A Moment of Weakness

[Sydney Emerson]

It had been over two months now. So why did she still feel awful?

She knew the answer, but she didn't want to admit it. When things had ended with Rod, it had taken some time for it to really sink in. After all, they had fought before. It was rather normal for them really. That had taken time apart before and that was how they had become a them. Why wouldn't she assume this time would be the same?

So she had waited for him to come to her, to apologize. Yet he hadn't. Apparently he really was done with her after all. 

It was the stupidest thing too. He had been upset with her for being so busy. All she had done was ask that she respect that. Her practices, meetings, tutoring sessions, studying - they were all important to her. So was the time she spent with him, but apparently he didn't believe her when she said that. Apparently if she wasn't spending every moment with him, that meant she didn't care. Yet it seemed getting upset was the wrong thing to do, because this time he didn't come back. 

At least then, it had been the end of the school year. She had more and more people wanting tutoring to prepare for finals, she had her own to worry about, and she was preparing to begin college in the fall. She was attending University of Vermont since she still needed to continue training her power at Hammel. Ideally, she would work on getting her pre-requesites and then transfer to a more prestigious university for the rest of her education. Of course, that was assuming she graduated Hammel on time, and that she figured out her major...

But now the semester was over at Hammel. She suddenly had a wealth of time on her hands and it gave her the chance to do what she did best - think. Or in this case, overthink.

Sydney still wasn't very sure how she had felt about Rod exactly, but she had cared. Enough that it hurt that he now wanted nothing to do with her. Analyzing it logically was only worsening the matter because she couldn't see what she did wrong. And Sydney couldn't fail. She couldn't. It was a luxury she had never been afforded and she didn't know how to cope with it. Mistakes were one thing so long as she could pinpoint her error and correct it. But she couldn't do that here. There was no corrections and she still didn't understand what had gone wrong in the first place. 

It was getting to her. She couldn't pretend that it wasn't. Finally, she broke, tears beginning to fall. It wasn't just crying over a guy - as much as she was hurt by his rejection, that was only part of it. The bigger part of it was her own failure. He had blamed her. She didn't know what went wrong, what she had done, why it had ended. How could she go forward if she didn't understand?

Worst of all, here she was, admitting that weakness, reveling in it even. She was breaking down. The only positive was that there was no one to witness this. All she had to do was fight to find her composure again, and she could almost pretend it had never happened at all. Yet she was finding that was easier said than done.

[Samantha Emerson]

Summer was definitely Samantha's favorite season. People were friendlier and happier, and more willing to go out and do something. Best of all, there were no more homework to worry about. Well, not yet, anyway. Of course, no classes also meant finding new ways to occupy her time, and recently Sam had taken to wandering around campus and meeting the other students who stayed over the summer vacation.

She had left the dorm room about half an hour ago with the intention of going to pick up a load of laundry, and for once she didn't run into anybody, nor did she find anywhere she wanted to wander. Sam shrugged to herself as she picked up the basket of warm clothes fresh out of the dryer. I'll have some time to go out to town today; haven't done that in a while. She thought to herself as she made her way back to her room.

"-falling in love to the beat of the music." She sang softly to herself as she neared the door. Apparently she hadn't closed it completely when she left, because it was left slightly ajar and opened with hardly a noise. However, as Sam neared her bedroom, her sensitive ears caught a faint noise that didn't belong in the usual humdrum of Room 407. She frowned and paused, looking for the source. It sounded familiar, she just couldn't quite place it. A few more steps and Sam recognized the noise for what it was: someone crying. And it was coming from Sydney's room.

Sam set her laundry basket down and peeked through the open door. Sure enough, her sister was inside looking very much distressed. "Sydney?" Samantha called softly, taking a tentative step past the doorway. "Syd, what's wrong?"

Clothes

[Sydney Emerson]

Somehow Sydney hadn't heard anyone enter the dorm. If she had, she would have quickly regained her composure, or at least shut her door. Yet as it was, she was too absorbed in her own thoughts to notice. Besides, it wasn't as though she wasn't already trying to calm herself - it was simply proving difficult.

For once in her life, she found that she hated herself. She hated feeling so weak and helpless and worst of all, clueless. She was supposed to be better than this. She wasn't supposed to fail. In that moment, she longed for the time when she thought relationships were a waste of time and had had no interest in such things. Practicality had been all that mattered. Then he had come along and ruined everything.

Most of all, she hated herself for letting that happen.

What she hadn't anticipated though was her sister of all people catching her like this. Sydney froze for a moment as she heard her voice, swiftly turning away from the door and wiping at her face. Her pride wouldn't allow her sister to see her like this. Things might have been better between them lately, but surely they couldn't be that different. Samantha would be happy to see her fail.

She hastily wiped the tears from her face, trying to at least pretend she was fine rather than give Sam the satisfaction. "Nothing, I'm fine," she protested, though her voice was painfully pitiful to her own ears.

It was then that she sensed something she hadn't expected - concern.

For once she didn't want to push her away. She was just too tired. Sydney turned around to look at her, hesitantly meeting her eyes. Her own eyes were red and swollen from tears, still watery though she was fighting the urge to cry more. Her hands raised and fell helplessly as she tried to put it into words.

"It's not supposed to be this way," she said finally, her voice a hoarse whisper. "Everything fell apart... and I don't know why." To her, the latter was the most distressing part.

[Samantha Emerson]

At Syd's protest, Sam quirked an eyebrow at her sister, though of course she wouldn't be able to see it. Of course, she hadn't really expected any other response, given the sisters' rough and hostile history and Sydney's desire for perfection - which Sam still found irritating, just... maybe not as much anymore. And it was true. Someone, something, had changed, and altered the dynamic between them.

For that reason, Samantha didn't just shrug and return to her plans for the day. She moved all the way into the room and waited. She had had experience on both sides of such a scenario, and it was definitely better not to push for an answer or explanation. She didn't have to wait for very long, however, before Sydney turned around and Samantha realized the most likely reason for the tear tracks and puffy eyes.

Seeing her sister so upset made Sam feel a sudden stab of irritation at him. She'd warned him, hadn't she? Not to mess up her little sister's heart? I'll find him later. She told herself, pushing the thought away for the time being. Syd didn't need righteous (or possibly protective) anger right now.

"Hey, that's okay sometimes." Samantha said gently, moving next to her sister. She hesitated for a moment before wrapping an arm around Sydney's shoulders and squeezing tentatively.

"Wanna let it out?" She prompted, taking extra care to make sure that her tone left Sydney with the choice of 'no'.

[Sydney Emerson]

Sydney half expected her sister to just walk away and pretend she never heard or saw anything. That's what she would have done after she had first joined Sydney at Hammel. Before that, she would have been the first to rub in any flaw she could find. But now... things had changed. Still, it was hard to break old habits and assuming the worst of each other had become a habit a long time ago.

So it was surprise that she first felt when Samantha stepped further into the room rather than away from it. Yet that faded quickly into relief maybe. After all, the things that Sydney had always looked down on Sam for were the things that made her so much better equipped to handle issues like this. It occurred to Sydney that she didn't really know much about her sister. Had she ever felt this way? She was vaguelly aware of the emotion and energy that her sister had always expended on social happenings, but she knew nothing of the details. For so long they had existed separately, could they really overcome all those years?

But that was a question for another time. What mattered now was that neither sister was pushing the other away.

An arm around the shoulder was a simple thing. A basic comforting gesture. Yet it was entirely foreign and uncharted waters for the Emerson sisters. Despite this, Sydney leaned into the gesture finding it shockingly effective. Just her being there made her feel a little better. No less confused, but a little less upset. When she spoke, her voice was calmer, though it still sounded a bit hollow and hopeless.

"I just... I don't understand..." She said finally. Her sister said it was okay, but it didn't feel okay. It wasn't just that Rod had stopped being interested. It was that simple sentence that was infuriating her beyond belief. "That's not supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to always know the answer. If I make a mistake, I can just correct it. I have to. That's the whole point. Errors are inevitable but there is always information to be gleaned so it can either be corrected or serve some sort of function if not further pursued. That's how it is. How it always has been. But now..."

All those years of hearing that she was a prodigy, of being praised had also come with a price. That pressure to succeed was so ingrained in her now. She didn't need her parents, her teachers, any of those voices to remind her what was expected of her. She was hard enough on herself for all of them and some to spare. Of course, she wasn't the sort to crack under pressure generally, so it was a part of her no one saw. Until now at least.

"How are you supposed to go forward and improve if you don't have the slightest idea of what went wrong?"

[Samantha Emerson]

Dealing with an emotionally compromised person was always a delicate matter, but even more so when, well, when dealing with said person tended to be a delicate matter on a daily basis. So Sam relaxed a little bit more when Sydney accepted the physical contact, and tightened her hold to a steady, hopefully reassuring pressure. 

Samantha rolled her eyes at Sydney's words, though for once it was not out of irritation, but rather a sort of fond exasperation. "Syd, shut the science off." She commented, though not unkindly. She thought she was beginning to have a inkling of what her sister was so hung up about, but she didn't really know how to address it. But she would try anyway, because family mattered to Samantha. It always had, in the long, (long) run.

"Reasoning through love and infatuation - and emotions in general - usually ends up with the reasoner even more keyed up about why there is no reasonable... reason. Not to say that there isn't ever a reason for reasoning. Even Sam could tell that what she said didn't make much sense, nor did it help in the slightest. The older sister shook her head at herself and began running through the list of things she knew about Sydney and Sydney's personality. It wasn't a long list at all, which at this moment Samantha definitely rued. 

"Well, how about we go back to the beginning? The beginning of the end, I mean." She said, trying a different route. It was very likely that Sydney had done so already and found no fault of her own, but Samantha hoped that she would be okay with detailing it again. At the very least, Sam would understand the whole circumstances a little better. 

[Sydney Emerson]

While this partiuclar situation was entirely out of Sydney's comfort zone, it was a small relief that the feeling was mutual. After all, until rather recently, the sisters could hardly even manage a simple conversation without it turning to a fight. Now not only were they talking but they were actually helping... or well, Samantha was. As of yet, Sydney hadn't managed to return the favor.

Even as Sam told her to shut the science off, Sydney didn't feel nearly as defensive as normal. If anything it was with slight exasperation that she responded. "It's not that easy. It's just how I think. That's like telling you to think all science and logic instead... well, however you think." Neither was trying to be insulting, they were just that different.

Sydney gave her sister a rather befuddled look as she tried to offer some sort of explanation. Rather than being critical, she chose to actually make a joke. "Sam... even I could barely follow that," she said, though not without a hint of a smile. Still, a long sigh followed as she nodded, agreeing that recounting what happened was probably best. She had gone through it so many times, yet there was obviously something she wasn't seeing. Perhaps Sam could provide the insight she was lacking.

"Well... we were arguing. Granted, we were always arguing. Even before we were, well, a we I guess. He was upset that I wasn't spending more time with him. But I told him that I was spending as much time with him as I could, which was far more than I did before we were dating. But I had club activities, and my tutoring, and my own studying too. As well as classes obviously. He kept saying it wasn't enough though. I should be doing more... or well less. He thought I needed to do less so I could spend more time with him."

Sydney shook her head. She still didn't see how she had done anything wrong. "I explained to him why I couldn't, that all those things were important... Then he said that he must not be important. I told him that wasn't true, but he wouldn't believe me and so he just stormed off. I mean, that had happened before though. Lots of times. One of us storming off. Usually a day or two later we'd make up... but he never came back and he won't talk to me..."

Her expression had reverted back to a frown as she looked back at her sister - the sort that said she was thinking and rather stumped at that. "I still don't see how what I did wrong though."

[Samantha Emerson]

Samantha acknowledged Syd's comment about different ways of thinking with a shrug. "Fair point." She conceded for once, rather than the usual reaction of trying to wrestle her sister's brain into seeing things her way. Sam gave a short exhale of wry laughter at Sydney's little joke. For her, it had helped to relax the mood a little bit, and, she hoped, help her to help Sydney.

She couldn't suppress a twitch of a smile as Syd began speaking. So it turned out that they had been that kind of a couple. It was kind of ironic, that Syd arguing with Rod had led to romance, while Syd arguing with Sam always bred hostility. She continued to listen, picturing the situation in her mind as best she could, given that she didn't really know anything about the relationship dynamic. 

Samantha was going to suggest that Syd try approaching him and try to - calmly - reconcile, but her sister's last sentence indicated that she had (likely) tried that already. And so Sam dismissed all other concerns. "You mentioned that you were already spending time with him despite your busy schedule, and if you've already tried reaching out to him civilly, then you didn't do anything wrong." She said. 

"Now, could there be things that you could have done better? Maybe. But maybe not. General morals aside, there isn't a 'right' way to have a relationship. Very few people end up staying with their first ever S.O. for the rest of their lives. We're like puzzle pieces, you know, you and Rod thought you might be a match, but after some time rotating your sides, it turns out that you didn't fit after all." She said gently, hoping that what she was saying was making sense this time around.

[Sydney Emerson]

Sydney was grateful that her sister seemed to actually see her joke for what it was rather than some sort of insult. That had happened before. This whole tenuous relationship between them was still new and as such, it often felt very fragile, as though it could be broken by a single word or even a glance. After so many years wondering why her sister hated her, it was nice to actually get along with her, even if they still were far from understanding one another.

Her gaze was fixed on Samantha as she explained that from the sounds of it, she had done nothing wrong. Somehow that surprised her. After all, that was what her conclusion had been too, and the two had never agreed on something before. Before she could question that answer though - after all, if he was refusing to talk to her, there had to be a problem somewhere - Samantha continued speaking.

Oddly enough, her words were making sense.

"Relationships are confusing," she said finally, her voice weary. "I don't even understand how it really happened to begin with. It was supposed to be just an experiment but then my emotions - my actual emotions, not just my power - started going all over the place and nothing seemed to make much sense at all..."

Sydney worried her lower lip between her teeth for a moment as she recalled those feelings. "I don't like not being in control, especially of myself. I like to know why I'm doing something, to weigh the options of what is the best in the long run. But with him... none of that happened. Just like now. It shouldn't bother me so much. I mean, he was just a boy. It wasn't even serious or even long-term... I don't need romance in my life and I had never even wanted it before. But now I still feel like I lost something important and I just... I don't understand it and I don't like feeling this way."

She glanced up. "Is that normal or is it just me being..." Broken. A robot. Sydney didn't usually think of herself in those terms - those were more things Sam would yell at her - but now she couldn't help but think maybe they were true, even if she couldn't quite bring herself to say them.

[Samantha Emerson]

Samantha listened attentively, nodding every now and then as her sister explained the other reason for her tears. She couldn't really empathize with Syd's feelings about the loss control and decision-making, but she could see how such characteristics could conflict with emotion, especially love or affection. It was one reason why Sam couldn't always be counted on to make the smartest or the 'best' decisions. 

"First off, this is normal. Everyone goes through heartbreak at least once in their lives, usually more. But that looks and feels different for each person. So don't stress over that." She said. "If you didn't care about him, didn't put in effort into your relationship, then you wouldn't be upset, that's true. But if you didn't care, then..." Sam raised her hand palm-up in the universal "why" gesture.  

She fell silent for a few moments, partly to let her words sink in and partly so she could gather her thoughts into a bundle that a logical mind could hopefully understand. 

"I think... at least for now, don't try and understand what you're feeling. Find a way to let it out, and then if you want you can go back and see what you can learn about what worked and what didn't." Sam herself wasn't so good at doing that last step; she could never push her emotions away for long enough to think objectively about a past flame. Either that or she ignored all her self-implemented warning signs. But it was a good theory nonetheless and she had a feeling that Sydney might find more success with it. 

[Sydney Emerson]

She felt a little nervous as she waited for her sister's input. It was odd. There had once been a time - a matter of months ago in fact - when she would easily denounce any opinion her sister had on the mere grounds that she was the one who said it. After all, obviously she was too biased to offer anything of value. Yet here she was now, hanging on to her every word.

There was a small degree of relief that came with Samantha's declaration that this was normal and nothing to worry about. After all, though Sydney had always noticed that she was different, it was Samantha's words that had made her consider that her oddities were something to be ashamed of.

Sydney nodded, understanding the base concept that caring was essential to an emotional relationship and entangled in the whole construct of a physical relationship as well. She didn't entirely understand the point of making such attachments still, but now didn't seem the time to have that particular conversation. After all, she wasn't exactly eager to start a fight over one of the most notable differences. Besides, she wasn't planning to pursue such an experience any time soon.

She listened thoughtfully, though she began to worry her teeth against her bottom lip as her sister spoke. What she was saying made sense and yet something was nagging at her. "But it's already been over two months now. How much longer can it take?" She gave a small sigh though. She had been ignoring the issue rather than addressing it. That brought a more important question to the forefront of her mind. "How would I go about 'letting it out' exactly?" If there was one thing that Sydney wasn't, it was expressive. She had no trouble speaking her mind, that was true, but matters of the heart were still quite foreign to her.