It's Not What It Looks Like! ...Maybe [Kodi]

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon... was still coming to terms with this situation he found himself in. Angie knew, but she hardly knew her, and Tak knew because Gryph thought it was fair for her to know before she moved out. She took it well, and supported him and such. It was good not to come up against any negativity as of yet, but... just to be on the safe side, this was still mostly hush-hush, despite the certainty that was slowly growing within Gryph's mind.

However, more recently, Kodi had moved in with Gryphon. And the avian man loved him a whole lot, and wouldn't want to truthfully hurt him or lie to him, but... He had no idea how his boyfriend would take this. He did come from a rather conservative, restrictive background after all. And his misogyny... it all scared him into secrecy. He just didn't want to risk it. He knew Kodi loved him, and he wouldn't hate him because of this... probably... hopefully....

Anyway, Kodi had left a little while ago, and from the sounds of things, he wasn't going to be back for a while. Considering that Gryphon felt more feminine today, that was a blessing in itself. Some time to experiment, feel more comfortable in some female clothing before... putting it all away again and hiding it. One day... Within the time that Kodi had left and now, Gryph had managed to get some makeup on (haphazardly, and difficultly considering she still struggled to look at herself like this). Along with that, she had her slightly tangled wig on (it couldn't be stored properly so it didn't stay in the best condition) and a couple more feminine clothes. She didn't exactly own many, but it was still something. And with that, she lounged about in her bedroom, reading Harry Potter. She still felt a nervous tension, but... it had already been twenty minutes and Kodi hadn't come back, he wouldn't now...

[Deleted]

Kodi was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. He’d gotten on the bus and rode it all the way to the library across town only to realize that he’d forgotten his library card in Gryph’s- no, their room. He was still getting used to living with his boyfriend (even though he’d spent about 90% of his time there before), and sometimes things just skipped his mind. It didn’t help that the apartment was quite a ways further from the library than Hammel was, being on the outskirts of town and all. What should have been a several-hour trip turned into about a half-hour as Kodi grumbled and got back onto the bus to ride back. He could have just stayed and read, but what if he found something he wanted to check out?

He considered calling Gryph and letting him know, but didn’t think it was worth it. Kodi would just pop in real quick, grab the card, and head out again. At least he didn’t really have any other plans today.

Soon enough, he was back at the apartment, and tromped up the stairs to their door. He popped inside without a word and headed into the bedroom, not bothering to knock beforehand – what could Gryph possibly be doing that he wouldn’t mind Kodi seeing?

“Sorry babe, I was an idiot and forgot my fuckin’ library card on the desk, I-“ Kodi froze when he finally registered Gryph’s appearance, a look of pure confusion on his face. What the….? “… What’s with the wig?” he asked uncertainly. “Is this for Halloween or somethin’….?” The dentokinetic looked at his lover’s shirt and scowled slightly. “And who is Ken?” He was completely bewildered about this unexpected…. Thing…. “… Are you wearin’ make-up?” What the fuck? How many times had Kodi nearly begged him to let him put eyeliner on the avian? He wasn’t angry, just… Confused.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph... nope, she was expecting a long, quiet day to herself, with Kodi's return later. She loved having her boyfriend around more frequently, honestly, but she did need the alone time, for obvious reasons, and it probably didn't hurt Kodi either. He was more about of an introvert than Gryphon anyway. Speaking of, Gryph thought she heard something, but put it down to one of her neighbours nearby and stayed where she was.

But it definitely wasn't that.

When the door opened, the poor bird-person froze from shock. No.... no no no.... She wasn't ready yet, she had to... and... The book she was holding slowly rose in front of her face as Kodi continued questioning her appearance, and she could feel herself getting more and more emotional. Halloween? ....I look that bad....? Her thoughts became completely insecure as she hid even more, curling in a little before quickly dropping the book on the floor (sorry Kodi) and pulling the sheets over her head, sniffing a little as her eyes began to threaten to leak tears. "....you weren't supposed to come home..." She said in a quiet voice that definitely echoed how fragile she was feeling. "....I look r-ridiculous...." Even now that this had been shown to her boyfriend, she couldn't admit to it. She even wanted to stop thinking of herself as a she - she was just being ridiculous, and over-dramatic, of course she wasn't genderfluid , not many people were, she was just.... completely and utterly lying to herself and trying to deny it when she knew she wouldn't be like this if she hadn't given herself a good enough reason. She continued to hold the sheets tight over her body, "J-Just get your card and go." Her voice warbled dangerously.

[Deleted]

Confusion. Kodi was just plain confused. What other reaction was one supposed to have when they came home to find their boyfriend dressed up in a wig and women’s clothes with makeup on, lounging around like it was normal? He half-wondered if this was some sort of dare, or prank, or something, but… He hadn’t asked if it was for Halloween because it looked bad, that was just the only explanation he could think of.

It had never crossed his mind that his lover might identify as anything other than male. Why would it? Sure, Gryph could be a little feminine at times, but that didn’t mean he felt like a woman. Kodi knew of people that didn’t identify as the gender they were born with, but never would he have imagined…

Seeing how Gryph reacted to his questions, though, made Kodi even more bewildered, but also guilty. “H-hey, why are you hidin’?” he asked, brow furrowed worriedly. He walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. “I wasn’t…?” Why did Gryph not want him to see this that badly? “… I never said that,” he replied, slowly realizing how sensitive of a subject this obviously was. “I was just surprised, that’s all.” He tentatively reached down and rested his hand on the lump that was his lover under the blankets. Kodi shook his head when Gryphon told him to go. “No, that ain’t happenin’ until you tell me what’s goin’ on,” he said, quietly but firmly. “I ain’t gonna know what I did wrong until you tell me. You ain’t just dressin’ up for fun, are you?” Kodi still didn’t entirely understand, but at least he was trying to. He gently rubbed the boy(?)friend lump. “You know you can tell me anything,” he murmured. “Please don’t be afraid of me…”

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

For once, Gryphon really couldn't see this situation from the other person's point of view. If she could, and she was less petrified of the response, she would have slowed down and explained what was going on. As it was, all she knew what that her boyfriend had just seen her like this, something she's been avoiding for a long while now, and she just wanted to dig a hole, curl up in it and hide forever. Hiding under the bedsheets was the next best option, considering she couldn't dig through carpet.

"Why d'you think I am?" She said back. Kodi had been looking at her like she was a caricature, she couldn't handle that. She shuffled nervously once he sat, curling up in the dark warmth of her cocoon. "No, I did. And you said I look like... like Halloween...." Maybe that was a slight twist on how he had worded it, but it was how Gryphon has processed it. She took in a shaky breath as she felt Kodi's hand. She felt like a kid who'd gotten in trouble and didn't want to be found out, when it was already obvious what was going on.

Gryph whimpered a little as Kodi refused to leave. Next tactic - remain silent. As he kept prying further and asking more, Gryph just bit her lip, too terrified to answer. He wasn't going to understand. He'd make fun. He didn't like girls anyway - she wasn't a real girl though. It would take a few, good, looong moments, even if Kodi asked more and said more, before she finally took one big shaky breath and pulled the top of the duvet down, revealing a little bit of her head, though her face was almost completely in her pillow from embarrassment and shame. "It's...." Telling the truth? Not exactly. Gryphon reached up without a word and started taking off the wig, "Gimme a minute, I'll be normal again soon." She mumbled sadly, sniffing as she worked.

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Fuck, Kodi had gone about this all wrong, hadn’t he? But… How else was he supposed to react?? He was just surprised (and that was putting it lightly). “Whoa, no, wait, I didn’t say that either…!” Kodi protested, frowning. “I just thought… I didn’t know why you would have a wig, unless…” He was flustered, feeling like nothing he said was right. “It… That color looks good on you, babe,” he mumbled. He’d only gotten a glimpse, but it wasn’t a lie. “You didn’t look like a tacky Halloween costume at all. I mean it. I’m sorry you thought I meant it like that…” Kodi’s head was spinning. What did all of this mean, though?

Grr… He was going to get frustrated and more worried if Gryph kept up this silent treatment. “Babe, please, it’s not gonna help if you don’t tell me what I need t’do t’make this better,” he pleaded. Sure, Kodi didn’t like girls, but he loved Gryph, and just because he(?) might… Might have some of these feelings about him(?)self didn’t make Kodi love him any less. When Gryphon finally peeked out, Kodi quickly leaned down and gave his lover a peck on the lips. “There’s my gorgeous love,” he mumbled. Now that he could see close-up, Kodi could tell that his(?) eyeliner wasn’t quite straight, and the make-up wasn’t perfect, but it… It suited the avian. “Hey, wait, stop,” he said softly, gently grasping Gryphon’s wrists and holding them down against the bed. “Gryphon. I don’t care what you want t’look like, okay? You’re beautiful no matter what. And shit, if you wanna be a girl, you’ll be the hottest chick I’ve ever laid eyes on.” But please don’t cut off your dick, he thought, selfishly, to himself. “Okay? So just… Please fill me in, here.”

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon was being unfair, she just didn't realise it yet. She probably would later, but later wasn't right now. Right now, she was self conscious on every level and wished she could somehow rewind time to avoid this instead of having to deal with this... horrible situation she found herself in. She caught the compliment, but silently brushed it off. By this point, she just thought he was trying to make up false compliments. Of course, Kodi wasn't like that, but Gryph was way out of her comfort zone here. She didn't really know how to respond anymore. Maybe being completely silent would make it all end quicker.

But obviously, that wasn't going to happen. Kodi was stubborn as a mule when he wanted to be. Gryphon didn't know what he needed to do to make this better. She couldn't just say 'Forget you ever saw me like this', that was near impossible (without the right meta to hand). She squeaked at the peck and curled in more, still ashamed despite the compliments, which was why she wanted all of this off and she could just be a he and live with it - but apparently, that couldn't happen.

She couldn't even look up at her lover as he spoke to her, nervously swallowing and looking at the ground. She almost didn't listen, but... she was glad she did. It was just... now it was her time to be confused. Instead of asking questions, though, she tried to take her wrists back, putting her hands to her hair, saying "I'm fixing it." softly as she slide pins back in and readjusted it all. Then she sighed, still having not made eye contact with Kodi, "It's something... something I found out at uni." She began, sniffing and trying to get rid of the lump in her throat, "In my classes, it's... I just..." She was struggling with sentences, so she stopped, took a deep, shaky breath and tried again, "It's just... a fluctuating thing. Like.... like you would say your gender is male, masculine, right?" Her voice didn't have much pitch, "Well... well we discussed the fact that... that gender is a huge grey area and... and for some people... it fluctuates."

She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily. No tears, come on. "I... I've been thinking about it for a long time... it just... fit somehow. And I didn't need to get these things," She said, flicking the hair as an example, "B-but... I just felt more comfortable in them, somedays... I mean, you might have noticed sometimes, I get quieter and gentler and stuff. More affectionate." She wrapped her arms around herself, "In my opinion... that's when I'm feminine, like...." She sniffed, "...like right now."

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Of course Kodi was stubborn, especially when it came to his babe. Anything he could do to make Gryph less unhappy and more comfortable, the dentokinetic would gladly do. He just needed to know what it was that he needed to do in order to make that happen. He pouted when Gryphon flinched away from his kiss. Had he really made his lover feel so uncomfortable with himself…? Kodi felt terrible.

He wanted to tilt Gryph’s head up to look at him, but he didn’t want to make the situation worse. Kodi wished his boyfriend would look at him, though. He resisted Gryphon pulling his hands away until the explanation, then gently let them go and rested his hands on his lap. Kodi didn’t interrupt as Gryph began to explain, just listened with serious, attentive eyes as he slowly began to grasp what was going on. When Gryphon began struggling to speak, Kodi took his… her? hands again, this time for comfort and security. “Huh…” he said softly, finding the entire thing rather… Interesting. “So you don’t just feel like a girl all the time?” Kodi asked, trying to understand. “It’s… it can change like that?” Kodi didn’t know how that worked, but he didn’t feel that way at all, so how would he know?

Kodi sensed that Gryph was on the edge of crying, and he squeezed her hands, still feeling bad. “… You are really feminine sometimes,” Kodi replied slowly with a small nod. “So really…. I ain’t all that surprised, I guess.” He tentatively slid an arm around Gryph’s shoulders and pulled him in. “Well, I say, wear whatever you want, label yourself however you want, do whatever you want. I ain’t gonna judge ya.” Kod swinted and leaned in a little closer, scrutinizing his lover’s makeup. “However, I will judge you by your crooked eyeliner and demand that I do it,” he added on with a small, amused smirk. “If you’re gonna be the hottest girlfriend in the world, you’ll need at least that much.” His smile widened slightly. “How does that sound?” Kodi reached up and pet Gryph’s cheek, before leaning in and kissing the other one. “Gorgeous.”

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

It wasn't Kodi's fault that Gryphon was so self conscious and uncomfortable. It was just that Gryph, like this, she hadn't had much experience showing this to other people, and... and this happened so fast, she was just... embarrassed. Wanted to do anything to hide it until she was ready, but... when would she ever be, at this rate?

She hoped she was making good sense, but Kodi was a smart person, and he seemed to be understanding pretty well. When Kodi held her hands, Gryph squeezed his back. She shook her head, and then nodded, "I don't exactly.... have control over it. And it usually isn't as easy as just... one or the other. Like I said, grey area... get stuck in the middle quite a bit. So like... it's hard to explain..." It was. When it wasn't the same for the other person, you had to just use words and descriptions and Gryphon wasn't a wordy person.

She nodded along as Kodi spoke. If anyone could have noticed, it would have been him. Gryph thanked him, really, for being able to actually look at herself like this and discover this side of her that existed. By herself... it might have stayed in the dark for a lot, lot longer. Gryphon moved happily as Kodi hugged him, looping her own arms around him and tucking her chin over his shoulder. She smiled a little to herself as he spoke, almost not really believing this was real. Why was it suddenly going so well...? When he scrutinised her face, Gryph couldn't look at him, but more out of shyness than embarrassment. Maybe a little embarrassment. It was just because she knew she was crap at makeup at the moment. So at the comment, she couldn't help laughing. She nodded, "Sounds... sounds good." She didn't flinch away from the kiss this time. Instead, she giggled, "I am not, I look like a sour excuse for drag queen." But still, she finally had a good look at him, and she smiled, shaking her head before burying her face in his neck, "I hate you. You were supposed to be horrible." She felt a couple tears drip out, "I thought you were too gay to like this... a-at all..." Apparently, she assumed wrong.

"....by the way," She said into his neck, "Have you not h-heard of Barbie and Ken?"

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Kodi kept trying to grasp and understand what Gryphon was telling him, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he just wasn’t going to get it, not entirely. It was so hard for him to imagine, there was no way any sort of explanation would make sense in his head, so he figured all he could do was support Gryph with whatever he – or she – decided, and hope that was enough. “I see,” Kodi said quietly, biting his lip. “Sounds complicated. Don’t worry, you don’t gotta explain it, it’ll all probably go over my dumb head anyway,” he chuckled. “It just matters t’me that you’re happy. Am… Am I succeedin at that, at least?” He hoped so.

A year ago, Kodi might not have responded this way. So easily accepting of something so…. Uncommon. Not to mention he still didn’t like women, but in his mind, Gryph was still Gryph, and that sort of cancelled out any bad feelings he might have had about his now-girlfriend-ish person. And it was true that he – she? – still looked great. It was the same person, and that was what mattered. Kodi rubbed Gryphon’s shoulder as he kissed the top of her(?) head. “Well, I ain’t gonna lie and say you’re a natural at the stuff,” he chuckled with a slight tease. “You just need some practice, that’s all.” Unfortunately, Kodi only did eyeliner. Gryph would have to ask someone else for the other makeup… things. He blinked and snorted as she hid her face against him, and tentatively stroked his hand over her hair. Wig. Thing. “Just ‘cause you have feelings I can’t entirely understand don’t mean I’m gonna be mean about it,” he mumbled. “I mean, I am hella gay, but you’re a different case.” He paused, then sighed. “… And maybe Belle’s made me a little soft. Dammit.” Of course she had, the little stinker. But not before Gryph made Kodi soft first.

“… Eh?” he grunted, confused. “Is that some sex toy website or somethin’? Like Adam and Eve?” Kodi pulled Gryph tighter into his lap and laid back, taking the older one with him. He had a lot to think about, but for now, he was just going to enjoy being together. “…. Just so you know, if I ever say somethin’ stupid ‘bout this whole thing, call me out, okay?”