Don't Feel Like Dancing [Oriel]

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

He was trying. He really was, but getting back up on his feet was difficult for Gryph to do. He had forced himself out of the front door, onto a bus (he didn't trust himself to drive a car) to his university to meet up with Oriel. Originally, after that conversation with him ages back, he had been planning to show Oriel around, but then lots of things had happened, including the part where he was stuck in a wheelchair, so their plans had been pushed back for a while. Now that he could walk, with a stick in hand just in case, their plans were back on, but Gryphon... was not ready whatsoever. He pretended to be, because he had been looking forward to this up until recently. It wasn't Oriel's fault that Gryph didn't want to do anything. So he made himself, for his friend's(?) sake. It wouldn't be so bad, right?

Well, they had already spoken a little bit, and Gryphon could already tell how successful this meeting would be. He sighed as they reached one of the empty dance studios and hobbled over to a chair to sit down. He had been more quiet than usual so... basically silent. He was trying to act natural, but he had too much on his mind...

[Deleted]

Oriel was still on the fence about college. It was approaching the time for hose stupid standardized tests and Oriel had all the confidence of a mole in the daytime about his ability to do even remotely well on them. And then there was the (random) offer from that she-cunt silver-haired wanna-be video game heroine. Something about getting him audition somewhere. As appetizing as that might be, if he did happen to get it...what? Did he give up on college? Go back to New York and pursue his dreams there? Oriel had a lot to think about and he didn't want to think about any of it.



He was glad that Gryph was song better, at lest as far as his legs were concerned. Though to be honest, otherwise, Gryph didn't seem much better than he was when he was still in the wheelchair, struggling to take care of both himself and Kodi's emotional issues. Oriel thought that's all been resolved though....



Gryph didn't say much, which left Oriel to have to fill the empty space of air with all the nonsense he could speak of, in the hopes that one of them inspired a favorable(or at least existent) reaction from the winged boy. By the time they got to the dance room, though, even Oriel was running out of things to say. "Hey..." he started, setting his bag on a nearby chair and rifling through it dramatically. "Check out what I got." Oriel kept a grin on his face as he suddenly.... TA-DA~! "Feast your eyes!" he exclaimed, holding up the treasures object in the air. What it was was his very own self-bought, cheap-as-fuck-but-functional laptop computer. He cackled as he set it on a table nearly. "I finally saved up enough for one of my own, amazing, ain't it?"

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon didn't feel that great at all. He didn't feel like he was in the mood to even attempt to help someone else with their future when he hardly knew what to do with his own. He just... he didn't know what to do. Period. He could work harder at university, but he was really considering switching majors - not because his current one didn't interest him or anything, but because there were other things he could be doing, and better. He still had his job, and that was good. He wasn't disabled for life, and that was also good - but he still felt somewhat held back. Like he'd lost confidence in himself. He wouldn't be surprised.

He wanted to hold a good conversation with Oriel, but it was a struggle on his end. Even the most annoying and offensive of jokes just had him making a tiny change in facial expression, or he wouldn't even hear, distracted by his own overwhelming thoughts. He knew it was unfair to treat Oriel that way, but it was so hard to act joyful when you wanted to hide. He did look over at the boy when he grabbed his attention again, and blinked as the laptop was produced, honestly surprised, but maybe not showing it. He watched the ink manipulator move the laptop about, "It is. I'm glad for you." He didn't sound it, and he knew it, "Really, I am." Gryphon let out a sigh - God, it was hard to sound sincere like this.

He looked at Oriel, "So... uh..." Memory, work, come on... "...what's that dance... thing... you wanted to show me?" He really didn't sound like himself. Gryph yawned and rubbed his face. Maybe one Oriel got started, he would become more enthusiastic too. Hopefully.

[Deleted]

When Oriel was the only one left to keep the energy up, usually he did a pretty adequate job, especially if the person he was bothering was responsive. The easiest way to de-spirit a boy like the ink manipulator was to outright ignore him. Or rather, offer the most basic of responses that basically told him “I might be listening, but I really don’t care enough to come up with most polite and basic of responses.” Call Oriel paranoid, but he was paranoid! And that was a surefire way for Oriel to start thinking that he’d done something wrong(enough) to make the pigeon-boy mad at him so much that he didn’t want to talk to him. Why? Why? What had Oriel done that was so wrong that he deserved to be ignored???

It took all his effort to not immediately fall into that thought pattern, though Oriel was on the verge of popping out with that question. Instead, he nodded, his smile weakening at Gryph’s halfhearted congratulations. “Thanks.” Keep it cool, Oriel, keep it cool. At least he wasn’t telling you to bugger off and was willing to sit through this whole escapade of theirs, even if it was clear he didn’t want to be there. That he showed up still said something….right?

Oriel would try to reassure himself with that, but it was a constant struggle. He tried to focus on other things. Like what he wanted to show Gryph. “I know you ain’t good for too much yet…but I thought this was pretty neat. Wondered if you might wanna do it with me…?” Oriel was speaking meekly, though he was trying not to. “It’s just…” He gave Gryph a hopeful smile before turning to the laptop and pulling up the video(HERE). “I kind of found these guys a while back. It looks tough, but…I don’t know, might be fun.” Or not. He watched Gryph as the video played, hoping for a positive reaction.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph was usually very responsive, when it came to being around Oriel. His gullibility never helped him, and his slowness. Being the center of one of the boy's jokes, falling for something... none of it was new to Gryph. It just wasn't happening today though. Any jokes went right over his head, and everything else wasn't heard. It wasn't because it was Oriel, and Gryphon was honestly trying his best to follow along, but it wasn't easy whatsoever when you were distracted by something else which was a lot more heavy.

He could tell Oriel was getting stressed by his low mood. He sighed again, "I'm sorry, I seriously am happy for you, I'm just... not in a good mood today." Which wasn't normal for Gryph unless something had caused it, but that was for Oriel to realise, "That's not your fault and I wasn't about to make you feel that way by cancelling on you so... I'm sorry for being grumpy." Being completely honest. And why not? It probably did no harm. Just showed his friendly intentions, hidden behind a resting bitch face.

He listened as the ink manipulator explained what he had been looking at. He nodded, trying to seem a little more with it, but again, words were just going over his head. At the question, he shrugged, as in 'Why not?', and let Oriel continue. When the video was in front of him... it took Gryphon a couple moments to compute what he was seeing. Guys dancing in high heels. Stilettos. Gryph glanced down at his ankles and then back at the screen, sending a silent message about his concern with the fragility of his bones. One misstep and he could have a bone sticking out of him. He didn't really smile, even though it was entertaining and rather impressive. Once it was over, Gryph bit his lip and mumbled, mostly to the floor, "I dunno, I don't... my osteoporosis, I... you could?" He suggested softly. It wasn't that he didn't want to dance with Oriel - he was a good dancer, after all - but this... this was probably too dangerous, and Gryphon's mood was too low to even consider taking risks. He frowned and folded his hands on his lap, looking down at them. He probably seemed reaaally pathetic right now, and he hated that, but he couldn't do anything to change it.

[Deleted]

Oriel was used to Gryph not getting all of his joke, but at least Oriel got to enjoy the bewildered look on his face when he was completely lost and confused. Oriel didn’t even get that today. Even though Gryph tried to explain….Oriel hated that his mind immediately registering it as him just making excuses to appease his friend(?). Oriel nodded, clearly disheartened, though he tried to keep his chin up. “Yeah, no…I get it. It happens….” That was the reasonable thing to say, right? Even if he didn’t quite believe it.

Not even a smile. Not even a look of amusement. Just…nothing. Oriel got it. The weak bones issue, he maybe suspected it while he was practicing the dances himself, but it never hurt to ask, right? At least, that’s what they always said.

This hurt. It shouldn’t have, but it did. “Right…” he said, a good chunk of his enthusiasm completely dissipated. “Right…I should’ve thought of that, it was….” Oriel swallowed and shut the laptop with a little too much force. “It was dumb of me to ask, sorry,” he mumbled, putting his craptacualr and cheap laptop back into his bag. “I’ll just do it myself…” Now what were they supposed to do? He slung his bag over his shoulder. “Think I’m just gonna go…” If he stayed around this mood any longer…. Did it occur to Oriel that maybe there was something else wrong that had nothing to do with the ink manipulator? Vaguely, but either way it was hard for Oriel to be around someone who o obviously didn’t want to be there.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

This was going downhill fairly rapidly. Gryphon could definitely sense that. Maybe he should have just cancelled anyway, and given some dumb excuse. He appreciated that Oriel wasn't get all angry at him, because he probably couldn't handle that right now, but he knew he was upset. It was obvious.

He would usually have smiled at that video, made some comments during it, showing how impressed he was, but there was no energy in him to do so. And it looked like fun, it really did, and Gryph wished he could do it, but... his bones couldn't manage than, probably, and... he was too tired...

But he wasn't too tired to start feeling completely guilty about this. The slam of the laptop gave him a shock, and for the fragile feeling man, that was enough to have him trying to suppress tears, along with all the self-deprecating things Oriel was saying. Poor guy... as he mentioned leaving, Gryph sniffed, curling into himself, his head dipping sadly. "I'm sorry," He said weakly, sliding onto the floor, keeping his legs straight in front of him. "...it's... I..." He swallowed, "...Kodi." He looked at Oriel, expecting the worst from him, "He... we... I..." His eyesight wandered as he tried to think of a good way of putting it. There wasn't one. "...he broke up with me again. S-so I'm sorry if I can't concentrate, I-I'm... spending every minute trying not to feel sorry for myself and it's not working." He bent forward so his forehead was touching his legs, hiding his face. Honesty would help... right?

[Deleted]

Oriel was already being unfair, for being irritated to begin with. If he knew he needed to get away to avoid exploding at someone, then what was wrong with him getting away before he did it? Apparently, he wasn’t allowed to leave….because if he did, then he’d be even more of a dick, for leaving Gryph feeling as crap as he was.

Oriel didn’t ask what the problem was, and it was given anyway. Maybe he should have asked when he first sensed there was something wrong, but…well, he figured if Gryph wanted to talk about it, he would….because Oriel didn’t want to seem like a nosy motherfucker like he usually did. He figured Gryph would just….Oriel didn’t know what he figured, he was just being stubborn. Hearing that the two of them, Kodi and Gryphon, had broken up again….that was not what he needed to hear. “Fuck….” he said under his breath, looking away from the pathetic man. If he wasn’t already in a shit mood, Oriel probably would have reacted differently. Reached out to him, offered a hug maybe. Though even then…he’d feel like throwing something against the wall. “What……?” Oriel didn’t know what he could say that wasn’t automatically an attack on either Kodi or Gryph for being the fucking idiots they were.

Though, Oriel couldn’t deny that Kodi and Gryph had been heading down that road for a long time coming already. But… “I thought you guys were okay…” he growled, tensing his jaw as he tried to keep himself under control. “Why didn’t you—!?” Oriel stopped himself and took a breath. “The fuck, man….?” was all he could think to say. His voice cracked as he said it, though.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon listened to Oriel stutter and stammer out words. He sounded confused, frustrated; he wasn't the only one... Gryph just concentrated on his breathing as his friend tried to wrap his head around this. His head stayed on his legs. He didn't want to move yet. Once the room was quiet again, the winged man sat in the silence, taking deep, steadying breaths, before straightening up and smiling blankly, not really looking anywhere in particular, "I told him something personal and at the time, he said it was fine but I think that's why he did it, and it's degrading as all hell, so excuse me for not chasing after him." Didn't mean he didn't miss the dentokinetic. Didn't mean he didn't want him back so they could have a civilised conversation about it. But Kodi wasn't a civilised person. Maybe Gryph should have noticed that sooner...

He swallowed uncomfortably and curled up in a ball, "I don't want you to leave... because it's lonely. I'm... I'm used to having someone with me ninety-five percent of the time, and n-now...?" He shook his head, feeling his eyes glazing over with tears, "I'm sorry if you don't want to hear any of this, I'm sorry for f-forcing the situation on you, I'm just.... terrified..." He took some more deep breaths before speaking in a smaller voice, "What if he starts drinking again? And Damon finds him again? What if he still has nightmares and no one can help him with them?" All of his worries and insecurities were coming out, and most of them not about himself. Gryphon hiccuped and buried his head between his knees.

[Deleted]

They were fucking idiots. The both of them. Oriel decided this. He didn’t know what the reasons were that Kodi turned tail and ran like he did, but he was sure that both of them were idiots. Again. Not again….fuck, Oriel was barely able to handle last time, he didn’t need it to happen again!!

As if this was all about Oriel….fuck….

No, no it wasn’t….fuck fuck fuck…..but still, Oriel wasn’t sure he had the mindset to be whatever comfort Gryphon was looking for. He simply stood there, staring down at the floor with a fierce expression and trying his damnedest to not lash out at the already grieving man beside him. “I….” Oriel wasn’t sure words were the best thing for him to try at the moment…. “I’m….I probably ain’t going to be the best company right now,” he managed, taking in another forced breath and letting it out slowly. Oriel shook his head and wandered. Not out of the room, but away. Somewhere. In a circle. The pacing wasn’t helping. He took a piece of wall and sat down against it, arching his head back and closing his eyes. “….fuck.”

And why’d Gryphon have to say those things? As if Oriel didn’t have enough to worry about, now those were going to be running rampant through his mind as well. “Don’t…..fuck, I don’t know! Don’t ask me!” Because Oriel didn’t have any answers and he couldn’t think enough to bullshit anything either. “What…..what the fuck did you tell him?” he asked, with much less sensitivity than the situation warranted. But maybe if Oriel knew what the fuck happened, he could understand it better.....? Maybe….

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Of course they were idiots. Gryphon had decided that everyone was an idiot in their own right, sometimes or all of the time. Sorry for the lack of perfection. He just... he couldn't help the responsibility he felt towards Kodi still. He'd basically looked after him for a year and a half, it wasn't easy to just... just walk away from that... Gryph knew most of his upset came from the worry that Kodi would degrade again. He hated his personality sometimes, his lack of self care in comparison to his care for others... but at the same time, he cherished it. He didn't know what to do now, though.

And like most of the times he was in that state of mind, he happened to turn to Oriel, to try and get some comfort. Why? Maybe because he viewed the younger boy as the embodiment of conflicting emotions and angst, maybe because he was so passionate and confusing that it made Gryphon feel more calm and normal in comparison. "At least you are company..." Better than nothing, right? But he wasn't about to deny Oriel's claim. When thinking of comfort, you wouldn't generally think of someone like Oriel. Not unless you were Phoenix. Gryphon hid his face again.

He tensed as Oriel sounded like he was getting emotional too. "It's rhetorical, I-I'm just scared...!" He didn't want answers, or bullshit, he just wanted pure knowledge that Kodi wouldn't let himself go through all that pain again, but he didn't trust that that would be the case. Hopefully he would stay away from Damon in the very least. "For God's sake, you think I'm going to tell you if it made him want to leave me? No!" Gryphon spat. He didn't mean to take his frustration out on Oriel, but he couldn't control it. And besides... it made him feel ashamed now, for exactly that reason. It made him so weird and... repulsive that the person who supposedly loved him couldn't cope with it. A few tears dripped out, "...what am I gonna do...?" He said, with slight desperation.

[Deleted]

At least he was company? Okay, now that was just damn depressing…. Oriel could sympathize on a very close level, but when he was already irritated, complaining about your own problems had the tendency to make him judgmental. After all, Oriel’s life sucked some fucking ass, through and through, and he wasn’t always bitching and complaining about it… That was a lie, but Oriel felt….he was just downright pathetic in comparison. If Phoenix ever broke up with him, Oriel had no doubt he’d be in a similar state as Gryphon right now. Finding the fucks to give right now was just…hard. Especially when he felt like he was blindsided with this sudden news.

Oriel was going to end up getting paranoid at this rate. Oriel knew what he would do in this situation…and none of it was good. Kodi was just as bad as Oriel…so Oriel could only imagine the shit he might be up to. He’d been doing so well….why would he…?

Again, Oriel couldn’t wrap his head around this. He didn’t know how he was supposed to react. He was frustrated and worried and pissed and needed to go blow off some steam, but apparently he wasn’t allowed to leave either. “Well fuck you too!” he snapped back, glaring like the devil at his ‘friend’ or whatever he’d come to be. If he didn’t want to tell Oriel, then that was just fine! “Keep your secrets. That just means I get to decide what it was on my own, and it ain’t going to be nice, I can tell you that.” With Oriel’s chronic paranoia added with his imagination, he could come up with quite a few scenarios, and they all painted Gryph as something terrible. Oriel turned away, curling up his knees to rest his arms on them. “How the fuck should I know?” he replied curtly. Oriel didn’t have any answers. He didn’t even know what was going on! How was he supposed to….?

Oriel fumed in silence, his eyes fixated on anywhere else in the room except on Gryph. Preferably a corner in the opposite direction.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Maybe he should just go. Maybe this whole meeting had been completely pointless, and even thinking Oriel would be sympathetic for two seconds was a mistake too. That may have been mean to say but... but what person liked being shouted at after a break up?? And blackmailed? If Gryphon wasn't so distracted with being depressed about his situation, he would have been utterly furious. He could feel it, but the outward reaction felt muted, and a whole lot weaker. And here was another rhetorical question, being taken too seriously by a certain Mr. Vanguard again. That was it. That was his limit. Gryph thought being friends with someone meant having a little push and pull; give and take. But no, Oriel was being selfish about this. The winged man wanted to scream in frustration but lacked the voice.

"You're cruel." He eventually sniffed out, quietly. "I tell you I'm embarrassed about something and you make me feel worse. I try and look to you as a friend and you take it all as personally offensive. What's wrong with you...?" He said all of this softly, basically at his limit for the day, or the week, or maybe even the month. "Do you want me to feel like I do everything wrong? That I'm more of a numbskull than I already think I am?" Gryphon sniffed for the thousandth time, getting up slowly, wiping his eyes with his forearm as he began walking to the exit.

"Congrats. Mission accomplished." He muttered. He supposed no company would be better than this kind of company. He had dealt with cruel verbal abuse before and he didn't need to again; he could cry on his own and no one could be mean to him about it then. He began walking away, not intending on looking back or regretting his decision. His bed was basically his best friend at the moment anyway, that plush fortress wouldn't mind another visit.