Affective consciousness -Adam-

[Ann Hudgins]

So Chase wasn't her trainer anymore, now that she had actually started...well trying things. She was set up with this other guy. Adam Collier. His power was like hers, but not. But he was the closest this school had to training someone like her with her powers. She drew in a deep breath as she walked down the hallway. She was used to taking thirty steps to Mr. Kilbourne's door and then walking another fifteen to her seat. But now she was forty-seven...forty-eight...

Fifty. She looked at the door, not liking the difference in her every day routine. She was safe in her routine, because she knew what was going to happen, and she knew what to expect. Now? She had no idea what the other side of that class room looked like, and she did not like that at all. Nevertheless. She had promised to trust Dr. Neville--promised him and promised herself--so she put her hand on the doorknob and cranked it open.

As far as classrooms go, this one was about on the middle of the list for memorable. Everything in it was average, which was fine with her. She could deal with average. It was when things started pushing extraordinary or special that she started freaking out. She saw the guy sitting at his desk, doing teacher things, which didn't surprise her. She couldn't tell if he had a friendly face or not. "Mr. Collier?" She asked, her voice cracked a little from her dry throat. She gathered the moisture in her mouth by a swiveling tongue.

She stepped farther into the room and the door shut behind her with a resounding 'you're stuck in here forever.' She didn't like it. She felt all sorts of things lingering in the room, she leveled her eyes back at the teacher. "I'm Ann. Hudgins." She said slowly, in case he couldn't piece it together. She had no idea if Dr. Neville had handed over her file, or if Mr. Kilbourne had explained why she was going from his tutelage to his. She rubbed the inside of her eye for a moment before she looked around again. Where to start? She wasn't really sure what to stay, or do for that matter, as she remained at the door awkwardly, looking at him a little expectantly.

[Adam Collier]

Adam was looking over his notes on his next student. Though in his experience he had found those notes to be of little help. He preferred to make his on decisions when it came to his students. This girl Ann was an empath, one that could even manipulate the emotions of a person. It was very similar to his own power and he wondered just what was the difference. Adam couldn't 'sense' a person's emotion as such, in stead he 'read' their pheromone levels and adjusted them how he saw fit. He could even change his own if he wanted to. Something that would in all likely hood help training this girl.

Adam adjusted his glasses, he had just recently started to wear them when reading, getting older really sucked. He generally tried not to wear them around other people. He didn't want to advertise the fact that he was nearing 40.

Adam looked up briefly when he heard the door open, he waited for her to speak first. Let her take control at first, she seemed rather shy, almost skittish around other people. Adam didn't blame her for that. He remained calm controlling his emotions, another attempt to put her at ease.

When she finally introduced herself Adam looked right at her and smiled. He then stood up and motioned for her to take a seat. While most of the room was normal he did have to stuffed chairs tucked into a corner. He had found that when working one one one with a student they felt much more comfortable like this. He wasn't going to complain, those chairs were a whole lot more comfortable then his desk chair.

"Ann, its nice to meet you. I have looked over what Dr. Kilbourne and Dr. Neville have sent over. However I would like to spend today getting to know you a little more. I want to hear from you what you would like to work on. You're old enough to know you're strengths and weaknesses. I want to help where you need help not bore you with what you already know."

Adam reached behind him and grabbed his notebook. "I hope you don't mind if I take notes during this, I find it getting more and more difficult to remember everything about these meetings. Why don't we begin with you telling about your life up until now."

Beyond being a trainer at Hammel Adam was also a licensed counselor. He had worked with all kinds of people over the years and that part of his life seemed to spill over into his training. He had found that the students here at Hammel often needed help of a counselor that didn't come from the school's official counselors or doctors. Many students didn't want to talk to them but could talk to their trainer.

[Ann Hudgins]

He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he wasn't emitting any sort of conflicting emotions like annoyance or disappointment. Ann was the type to always consider herself a burden to others, because she couldn't go a day without freaking out over all the crazy emotions. She tucked some of her hair behind her ears as he just waited for her to talk.

Scientifically, there probably wasn't that much of a difference in their powers. But spiritually...they were worlds apart. Ann sensed emotions by intercepting the energy (also called pheromones (but that's scientifically speaking) and felt them in her chakras. She could also change someone else's emotion through their own chakras, by changing the sort of energy they were exporting. It was difficult to explain with words, and she was only just beginning to understand the entire process.

Her eyes widened a little bit when he said he just wanted to get to know her. She didn't really like that idea all that much. She was here to fix her inability to socialize properly, not make a friend (though Dr. Neville said she should try when at ever possible), and even gain control of her powers. She was on the verge of saying just that, when the logical voice in her head reminded her that she promised to go along with this guy because he could help her. Even if he had her do things she didn't like. She looked over at the chairs and then back at him and then moved to sink into one.

The chair tasted of hesitation and muted disbelief. She wasn't really sure why, or who, but the last person to sit in this seat had a secret. She looked over at Adam as he said he wanted to know about her life up till now. That was easy. "Miserable." She summed up quietly. She looked down at her hands for a moment and then back up at him. "My dad's an active duty Marine, so we live walking distance from base, in a subdivision where all the houses look the same. I'm an only child and when I started freaking out every time my parents argued, they got more and more annoyed with me. Someone jokingly suggested I was a meta, and the more my parents thought about it, the less they'd look at me." She didn't look up at him as she paused her story, though she did wonder if he expected her to be so honest and open about it all.

Quite honestly, she didn't think she'd open up like that. "Then Dr. Campbell showed up at my house and talked them into letting me come to Hammel. They agreed and haven't tried to call, or write a letter, or come and see me. At all." Ann felt her lip tremble and her voice quiver for a moment and she closed her eyes and let out a long breath. "At present, they still haven't. Not even when I turned eighteen." Her aunt was the only one that sent her anything, bless her heart. "I haven't made any friends because I can't stand to be in touching distance of anyone, not to mention be touched. Being in a classroom full of horny and emotional teenagers....it's torture. All those emotions, all those urges. It's like there is no room for me because of everything else." She waved her hand around her, because of her personal vendetta with the cosmos, for sticking her with this power that truly sucked.

[Adam Collier]

Adam could tell Ann didn't really want to talk about herself. She wanted to get her training and leave. Sadly it didn't work that way. When one's power was so wrapped up in their emotions, training was a long and hard process. Adam could remember his training well, there were days when all he wanted to lash out at his trainer and fellow student. There were days when he wanted to curl up in a ball and never talk to another person. Then there were days that everything fell into place and he could laugh and smile and be himself. As he got older those days out numbered the others and he was able to fully control his power. He wished that Ann had been sent over to him much sooner, he could have helped her a great deal. AS it was now she had spent years with the wrong kind of trainer. Chase was good no doubt about that, but Ann needed a different kind of help.

Adam listened while Ann talked taking down a few notes here and there but mostly just listening to what she said. When she spoke about her family Adam knew this was one area that deeply affected her. The people in this world that were supposed to love and support you no matter what had all but abandoned her. Her lack of physical contact with people had also harmed her a great deal. That perhaps was what Adam wanted to work on first. Maybe find a way so that she could touch people. He made a mental note to try and reach her parents in the near future perhaps they would come and see her.

After she finished her story Adam waited, let her think about what she had said and allowed himself to put things together a little more. Finally he spoke.

"Well I can say this you have not had an easy life. Is it safe to say that you resent your power at times? That you feel life would be so much easier without it? I know I myself have felt that time and time again. It's normal, good even. It prevents abuse of our power. I think where I would like to begin in training is the physical touching draw back to your power. Can you explain to me a little more what exactly happens when you touch someone? Does it only happen with skin to skin contact? Does length of time being touched matter?"

[Ann Hudgins]

One of the things Dr. Neville told her over and over again was that her it wouldn't be an over night thing for her to get control of her powers. She'd have to work hard, all the time about it. And maybe just maybe she might get some progress. Ann would settle for being able to moderately control it. She'd even just flat out give up manipulating other people's emotions as long as they didn't manipulate her. She just wanted to be normal, and be able to talk to someone, easily, without practically reading their mind just by standing next to them.

She'd have to be willing to be patient with Mr. Collier, if he wanted to get to know her before he started training her, just as he would probably have to be patient with her when she started freaking out. After her (not really) long summary of her past up until now, he was quite for a long time. She started to get nervous about it, but she knew she was just over reacting. There was no way he was done with her already.

At his first question, she rolled her eyes. "All the time." She said. She always resented them. They kept her from sleeping easily, from walking in a crowded hallway, from playing sports, from hanging out with anyone--it kept her from being any sort of teenager. How could she not hate something like that? Wouldn't everyone? She shifted in her seat when he expressed he'd like to know more about the touching aspect of her powers. She tucked hair behind her ears and looked from him to the floor a few times before she felt confident enough to continue.

"When I touch someone, it's like jumping into a pool. Every single little emotion fluttering around in their mind and heart fills my head. And that's what I start to feel. Even if the person I am in contact with is a boy and just heart broken about a girl that just broke up with him. I wouldn't just feel that he was broken up about it, but I would have a broken heart because of her. And sometimes, that happens without even me having to touch them." She let out a long breath. "I've never touched someone more than a couple of seconds, because I can't stand to do it. It's like I don't exist. It's all raw energy and emotion running through them to me, overpowering whatever I am feeling and experiencing." She shifted in her seat after her explanation.

"It's scary."

[Adam Collier]

Adam understood hating your power as a teenager Adam hated his power as well. He was extremely prone to been accidentally messing with people's pheromones. I almost never ended well.

As Ann began to describe what happened when her power was used Adam felt bad for her. It must have truly hell for her.

"Okay, I feel that I should warn you now. This will not be easy, I am going to push you. More often than not you are going to leave this classroom extremely drained physically and emotionally drained. I want you prepared for this. We are going to work on finding ways for you to touch people. We are going to start with you wearing gloves. Different materials thicknesses etc. You will be touching my hand. one of the benefits of my power is that I can control my own emotions. By changing my own pheromone levels we can train you. The process will be slow. At time you will feel that we have not moved forward, maybe even moved backwards. But I need you to trust me. Today I want to start with attempting to disrupt your pheromone levels, see if we can't level them out. Give a blank slate so to speak. If this goes well we will begin each session like this. That way you begin calm and refreshed from your day."

Adam didn't want to turn her into a zombie, but wanted to balance her out. He began to lower some pheromones and raise others. When he had finished he quickly leveled his own out.

"Now tell me what you feel." Adam hoped this worked but he wasn't 100 percent sure that it had.

[Ann Hudgins]

She could see and feel that he could sympathize with her. Just like with Dr. Neville. Their powers were close enough together that when they were in her proverbal shoes with next to no control, they dealt with being swamped and drowned and erased (or at least that is what she thought). And she also felt that he felt bad for her because of what he now knew about her past and how her parents all but abandoned her legally. Whatever. She'd gotten over it. Or so she says.

With every sentence he said, her heart sank lower and lower in her chest cavity until it was right next to her appendix. She certainly didn't expect him to toe her along with slow bits and pieces; soft exercises one would have a freshmen do. She knew she deserved it, on some level, because of her three years of no action to help herself. But the idea of touching him was so overwhelmingly frightening, she was ready to bolt out the door. To hell with what Dr. Neville and what Mr. Collier have to say. She couldn't just touch him. That was a big face no[/b].

How in the flipping world could he ask her for her trust after he flat out told her that she'd be bruised and beaten after each session they had? (she was being overdramatic) She rubbed the sides of her temples as her worry and fear ate at her core, it made her want to run and hide under her bedroom covers, or somewhere with just a tad more dignity, like her closet or bedroom. The point--she didn't want to be there in the classroom.

But then....well she felt alright. Calm. Soothed. She felt peaceful like she did when she first woke up in the morning. Like she had yet to experience anything, or absorbed someone's emotion or dream. She looked up at him and let out a long breath. At least, like this she could think about it rationally. If she really wanted results, and wanted to graduate on time, then she would have to do things she didn't want to do, like touch his hand. It was a big part of her power that made her unable to do a million things out there in the world that she would otherwise be inclined to do. She would just have to get over herself....and trust him.

"Al...right." She said slowly. "Alright. But....I don't know what's going to happen. Please, if I start to pull away, let me alright? It really hurts, and I don't want to start screaming...but I don't have control of it." She admitted to her hands in her lap. She looked back up at him, her eyes large and wary.

[Adam Collier]

Adam felt bad for Ann, he could see struggling with what was about to happen. But he quickly pushed away his feelings. Adam smiled when he saw Ann start to relax just a tad if hadn't been looking for it he might have missed it, she may not have even noticed herself.

He would never tell her but he wasn't sure that any of this was going to work right away. He had been pretty sure he would be able to calm her, and 100% sure he could calm but it was this next part that worried him. He wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen when they touched. Maybe he should talk to Clarisse about Ann. She might have some insight into her power side effect. Besides Adam was kind of looking for a reason to talk to the woman again.

Ann needed to be the one who was in control right now, she needed to feel safe. As much as Adam wanted to reach out and touch her hand to see what would happen she was the one that would have to touch him. Adam was confident that she would, she was brave and strong whether she thought she was or not.

"Ann, I know you are nervous but I promise you are safe here. I would never put you in any harm. Having said that, there will be some pain involved in this, we both know that. However you have to let me know the minute it becomes too much. The second you tell me I will level us both out okay? This is much like any other type of training, blood sweat and tears get results. But let's keep the blood to a bare minimum okay?"

Adam smiled at Ann and stuck out his hand as if to offering a hand shake.

"Okay, now I want you to touch my hand, with your hand. No gloves or anything skin to skin. I would like you to use your whole hand, but if just using one finger or a couple fingers fells more comfortable for you then do that. It is up to you. I want you to touch as long as you can. Once you let go we will talk about what happened then you will be free to go for the day. Okay?"

[Ann Hudgins]

Ann felt that he felt bad for her, and also that he'd pushed those feelings away. Let's just say that didn't sit well with her trust. It was understandable for him to feel bad, but it was just...she didn't know what he felt bad for, and that made her paranoid. She tried her best to ignore that bit, though, because it was time to move on and...and...touch.

She tried her best to remain calm, but just even imagining what it was going to feel like made her start to break out into a cold sweat. It scared her, more than anything had before. She shook both of her hands as she fought to remain calm. She had to be calm or this wouldn't be good at all. She listened to him, and tried to be reassured, but hearing that there would be pain--not like she didn't know that already--but just hearing him say that reminded her that this wasn't a good idea.

Whateverstopthinkingaboutitandgrabhishand. She rushed out. Like ripping off a bandaid. Ann leaned forward and held her hand out quickly. She went for a full handshake but she didn't get all the way there. The second their skin touched she reflexively hunched over in the chair. It was like there were thick tethers on her spine, and they were pulling her downwards. Inside her chakras they were...boiling was the best word for it... All of Mr. Collier's little feelings filled herself so that she too was experiencing them. She didn't have enough room for her own, therefor she was starting to....'consider' herself Mr. Collier. His experiences and emotions were 'hers' so why didn't it make sense that that was who she was.

She ripped her hand back, popping back to herself like a large, thick, angry rubberband. The edges of her body felt see-through and she felt exposed. She didn't notice she was shaking. She curled into a little ball, small gasps of pain worked their way out around small sobs and she just wanted to sink into the chair and die. She'd never held on that long before--whether it was actually any length of time, she wasn't sure--and she'd never...forgot herself like that. It was like Ann didn't even exist at all. Just...not there. She'd felt like she was the teacher, even if he had kept his emotions calm, and she was calm herself, she'd taken in his calm, which was different than her own.

[Adam Collier]

Adam was so glad that Ann had actually done exactly what he asked. As soon as he saw that she was in pain he immediately began level himself and Ann out. Hopefully it would helps things for you. He wasn't quite sure, again something he should to talk to Clarisse about.

Once it looked as if Ann would be able to talk again Adam continued talking.

"Okay Ann you did wonderfully today. You choose to do something that you knew would in all likelihood cause you pain. That shows me that you are an extremely strong person. There are a few more things I want to talk with about. I would like to talk with my colleague Ms. Prideaux. She is a power side effect expert and may be able to help. However I will only do this if you feel comfortable with me talking to her, and perhaps having her sit in on some sessions."

An idea struck Adam he was surprised he hadn't thought of it before. "I would also like you to keep a journal. You can write whatever you want in it, however I do want to write down everything you feel with or about your power. I want to know what can set things off, I want you to write what happens to you each time it becomes too much. You will turn these journals into me the day before each session. If there is something in them that you don't want me to read simply put a paper clip or sticky note on the page. I promise I won't read it."

Journals were a tool used in so many different kinds of therapy and counseling, and it may just provide Ann in many different ways.

[Ann Hudgins]

It was like calming the heart down after a hard work out. She needed to get her breathing level, and get calm. Only little ghost feelings of Adam swam around in her chakra network, and it freaked her out all over again. It was one thing to absorb too many emotions from a bunch of people, but it was another to actually forget who she was. Any feelings of progress before that exercise were erased completely. She couldn't touch him again. She couldn't touch anyone.

Ever.

That's all there was to it. She couldn't deal with being someone else. She couldn't deal with losing herself simply from touching someone else. Those thoughts, and many more like it, thrashed about in her mind, all of them horrible and hateful. Until Mr. Collier's power started to calm her down. It worked must better than her breathing exercise, and when she was finally able to move without feeling pain, she put her feet on the floor and looked at him. She was exhausted.

Despite what he was saying, she didn't believe she was strong at all. If she was strong, she wouldn't react to touch like she did. She'd heard about Ms. Prideaux and how nice of a lady she was. If she could offer any help in her problem, that would be great. "Ok. I don't mind." Though, in any point in the future, it would take a lot of convincing to get her to agree to trying this exercise again. However, if Ms. Prideaux could figure out why it happened, and there was a way to stop it from happening, then Ann would be willing to do it.

A journal? She already kept a journal, but if he wanted to take a look at that as well, she kept her mouth shut about it and nodded. She'd use a spiral notebook and give it too him, like he wanted. She nodded her head a little. "Ok, Mr. Collier." With shaking fingers she rubbed her face and sighed a little. "Can...can I go now?"

[Adam Collier]

Adam was a little surprised that Ann had agreed so easily with his requests. But he also realized that she was drain in every way right now and may have agreed to get out of his office. The true test would be when they met again and he read what she actually wrote.

"I want you to start with today's session, don't think I don't see those thoughts and emotions swimming around in your head, I want you to write out your thoughts as soon as you can I want them fresh in your mind. Don't sugar coat things for me and don't hide things from, just be honest with me and with yourself. There is no grade on the journal, it will be a tool that's all. You are welcome to leave now, remember if you need anything or anyone you can always come in here and talk with me."

Adam hoped that Ann would fully recover quickly from today's session and that they would be able to move on next session.

[Ann Hudgins]

It hadn't exactly occurred to her that Adam would able to sense what she was experiencing, but after he had mentioned as much, it was understandable, and it she should have realized. However, she'd also not been this drained in a very long time. She almost laughed when he told her the journal wouldn't be for a grade. That was really the last thing she had on her mind. "I'll start it when I get back to the dorm." Though it might not be immediately afterwords. She needed a nap like a fish needs water.

As she stood, she wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt of keeping herself from breaking into little pieces. She tried to smile, so she wouldn't be rude to him, but her face muscles were malfunctioning just like the rest of her. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Collier. I'll see you....later." She turned and walked to the door, and after a little rest, she got the door opened and tried to move as quickly as she could down the hallway, towards her dorm, where she locked the door behind her. Her bed never felt so comfortable.