Power Swap: Learn How to Fall

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean was a habitual early riser. Weekdays he typically rose before his alarm, and in the rare morning that he didn’t, the alarm never failed to wake him. He never used the snooze button. And when he had lived alone, his morning routine consisted of rising, grooming, making coffee and breakfast, eating, reading the newspaper, then returning upstairs to dress and make the bed before work.

Now that Josh had moved in, his routine had changed slightly. Aside from making coffee and breakfast for two, and taking the bathroom in shifts (not exactly shifts since it was perfectly easy to shave while Josh was in the shower), the psychiatrist was also now prone to distraction.

He believed he was entitled. One of the benefits of sleeping in bed with another person was the ability to spend time together in the mornings, and it was hardly his fault that Josh had this effect on him. Besides, his partner with bed-head and a lazy morning smile was undeniably appealing.

So as he lay in bed beside the other man and leaned in to kiss him deeply, before life took them as it would, he inwardly smiled because he was relaxed and contented. Then he reached out as was natural when kissing another person, to hear the close signal of their thoughts...

And Josh wasn’t there.

He pulled back abruptly, gazing questioningly into Josh’s eyes as he tried to skim, not probe, but just hear the other man’s normal lazy morning thoughts.

But he couldn’t.

His heart began to pound and he closed his eyes, reaching for the neighbors who were in his range. Only to find he couldn’t find them, couldn’t hear them, couldn’t hear anyone.

“No...” he whispered hoarsely, his face turning pale, before he rolled out of bed and retreated to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh didn't consider himself a morning person. He enjoyed sleeping until the last possible second, none of this getting up early and spending time slowly reading the paper in the morning for him.

However, since moving in with Sean he'd found himself looking forward to wakefulness, because Sean cooked breakfast and also because of what his partner considered distractions.

Distractions made mornings much more enjoyable.

Sean's face was blurry, but he could tell when he loomed closer, and knew what that meant, prepared to return the morning greeting with enthusiasm when the telepath unexpectedly jerked back.

He pushed himself up onto his elbows, worry creasing his face. This was abnormal behavior; was Sean ill? It wouldn't be impossible for stomach cramps to attack suddenly, or a heart attack or some other health problem, not at their age certainly.

"...Sean?" He croaked, voice hoarse with grogginess.

And then there was a whispered No and the other man retreated to the bathroom.

Anxiety increased, Josh swung his legs over the side of the bed, fumbling for his glasses and stumbling toward the bathroom door.

"Sean? Sean, is everything all right?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

In the bathroom, Sean was hunched over the sink. He’d turned on the water to try to splash himself into some semblance of coherence, but he barely felt the cold water on his face. His attention was focused on the pounding of his heart in his chest and on his breathing that wouldn’t even. This was a panic attack.

He didn’t get panic attacks. He hadn’t had a panic attack since he was a boy.

Then again, he hadn’t been alone in his head since he was a boy, either. He didn’t know what to do but the silence was deafening.

Through the haze, he could hear Josh calling his name, could make out concern in his voice, but he didn’t know what he was thinking and that only made it worse.

He didn’t want to worry the other man. This was wholly outside the realm of his lover’s expertise; but Sean didn’t know what to do for himself. He didn’t know what could possibly cause his telepathy to simply evaporate.

And it had evaporated because this wasn’t a block. He knew what blocks felt like, and they didn’t involve this gnawing emptiness.

Lifting his head and staring into the mirror, realizing he looked even more haggard than he felt, he tried to take a calming breath, and failed. Finally, he called out, “I can’t-I can’t hear.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh pressed his ear against the bathroom door, listening in concern to the sound of water splashing in the sink. It seemed like an eternity before Sean answered, and when he did his response was confusing.

"You can't hear?" He repeated, puzzling over this statement, filled with such anxiety but so baffling, before the explanation dawned on him.

Sean spoke of his telepathy as though it were merely another sense, like sight or sound. But he didn't know of anything that could block powers except a power suppressor, and he thought they would have to be in the room to do so.

What if Sean had a brain tumor? Would that effect psychic powers.

Sean, can you hear me? He pushed his thought desperately at his lover, hoping that he could break through the silence that was causing Sean such distress.

"Please come out of the bathroom. I'll...I'll fix you some coffee and if it stays this way we'll go see Dr. Prideaux."

She studied meta side effects, so if anyone had ideas surely it would be the lovely French nurse.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

If there was any silver lining to be had in this scenario, it was that Sean was currently incapable of hearing the hypothesis that he might have a brain tumor. While not a hypochondriac, there existed a legitimate concern of what would happen if he wholly lost control of his abilities due to illness or injury and he didn’t need to consider the worst.

If he was capable of considering anything in the long-term. At the moment, it was a struggle to cope with the lost of his most cherished sense and the deafening silence. To think, he used to think that he would suffocate from the noise.

He didn’t want to come out, he didn’t want to drink coffee, and he certainly didn’t want to talk to anyone else about this, not even Clarisse. He knew she was an expert in the field but he didn’t want anyone else to see him this way. He could accept Josh seeing him this way because Josh was his partner, but to involve someone else...

“Please don’t call Clarisse,” he said, turning off the faucet so that the other man could hear him. “I’ll come out, but please don’t call anyone.”

He couldn’t cope with anyone else right now.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh almost asked if Sean were sure he didn't want him to call, but thought better of it and sighed. "As you wish." If this persisted then he would put on his stubborn pants and call regardless of Sean's wishes, but perhaps it would blow over. He was still worried, of course, because he couldn't imagine what would silence his partner's telepathy, but for now he was willing to yield to the other man's wishes.

He moved away from the door at the promise to come back out, inched backwards to sit on the edge of the bed, watching the bathroom for the telepath to emerge.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" He called out, raising his voice so that the other man could hear him through the door. He still hadn't learned to cook breakfast as well as Sean, but he could toast some bread and pour a glass of orange juice with skill. He could also find the excedrin or tylenol, should that be desired.

"Should I call the Institute and tell them you won't be in?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean reached for the towel to dry his face, ignoring the stubble on his cheeks because this wasn’t a time to begin his habitual grooming routine. Stubble didn’t matter; steadying his breathing mattered. Deep breaths, in for three seconds and then out for three seconds. He did that four times and felt slightly better. His heart rhythm was still too fast but his breathing was better under control and would panic Josh less.

“No, it’s all right.” That was a lie. This wasn’t acceptable in the slightest, but he didn’t want the other man to waste his time making breakfast for him; Sean doubted he could keep food down. Not the way his stomach flipped at the thought.

His panic attacks during adolescence had always made food impossible. Tea had been barely palatable, only held down because of Robert.

He crossed the bathroom, opened the door slowly and then stepped out. He was sure he still looked worse than he felt, which was an accomplishment given how miserable he felt.

“I don’t know,” Sean admitted as he returned to the bed and sat down beside the other man. He clasped his hands in his lap tightly, preventing him from wrapping his arms around Josh and not letting go for fear of him disappearing. “I have appointments today but I don’t know if I can handle them. They’re-they’re a few hours from now.”

Anything could happen in a few hours.

[Joshua Bernstein]

As Sean sat beside him Josh noted how pale and drawn his lover appeared, misery etched across his face. The last time he'd seen the telepath look so lost had been after Robert died; the last time he'd seen him miserable had been the catalyst to their reconciliation, but he had been furious, not lost. Sean was so rarely lost, pillar of strength and confidence that he was: For his students, for his coworkers, for his friends.

He reached out to drape one arm around Sean's shoulders comfortingly. "Stay home." He encouraged, pulling the other man closer to him. "A few hours gives them time to reschedule. I'll call Janice and tell her I won't be in."

He would take a day off to take care of Sean, even if he wasn't sure what he could do. He wished that he knew how to lift the silence, unblock Sean's mind and restore his telepathy, but that was far beyond his capabilities. He wasn't a scientist and beyond the fact that there were certain genes that were necessary for meta abilities to manifest he was clueless as to how meta powers worked.

"Just rest for now."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

He couldn’t hear Josh’s ruminations about his strength of character or the similarities to when he had last lost himself, when Robert had died. All he could do was sit there and listen for any words Josh said aloud.

The touch was so simple, the arm around his shoulder pulling him closer, but it was gentle and caring and now having to rely solely on words and body language to derive meaning, it was also craved. The touch gave him permission, and he moved closer to Josh, leaning down awkwardly to rest his head against the other man’s shoulder.

Honestly, he didn’t want to go to work today; he didn’t want his students and coworkers to see him in this state. He was in no condition to help anyone. That did nothing for his sense of responsibility, but when Josh volunteered to stay home with him, it tilted the scales, managed to make to silence the voice of responsibility.

Silenced it the way all of the other voices had been silenced.

“All right,” he murmured into Josh’s shoulder. “I’ll stay home. But please don’t...give too many details. Say I’m not feeling well, but I don’t want them to worry too much.”

He still had no desire to sit down with Clarisse for an examination about his side effects.

Because he was feeling vulnerable, he moved one hand to touch Josh lightly on the knee, and he added, “I love you.” He needed the other man to hear it, because he couldn’t convey it telepathically.

He needed to hear it, because he couldn’t feel it the way he otherwise could. Because he was vulnerable, he required reassurance.

[Joshua Bernstein]

It pained Josh to see Sean so vulnerable and hurting, particularly when he had no ability to help, to ease the telepath's suffering. He rested his chin against the other man's hair, sighing in frustration at his helplessness.

"I won't tell anyone," He promised the top of Sean's head, squeezing his shoulder in what was meant to be reassurance, "I'll give the bare minimum."

The utterance of affection was met with another shoulder squeeze. Sean was more comfortable with such verbal declarations, but even someone with as much difficulty as Josh could see that responding was imperative, and so he murmured in return, "I love you, too," before disentangling himself gently.

"I'll be right back."

---

Two phone calls later and a pale, shell-shocked Josh returned to the bedroom.

"Sean?" His voice was tentative, questioning both because he wanted to be sure the other man was safe as well as to get his attention for the news he'd just heard.

"There's....it's probably for the best you stayed home, after all," He began apologetically. "It seems that some people have...they don't have the powers they manifested with. I don't understand, but it sounds like bedlam."

He seated himself on hte edge of the bed once more, reaching out to grasp the telepath's hand. "How are you feeling?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean appreciated the comfort, and he appreciated what it took from Josh to give it to him.

In the time between Josh leaving the bedroom and Josh returning, Sean had tried to make himself more comfortable. That included taking off his pajamas to change into real clothing, albeit comfortable weekend clothing rather than his work suit. Over those, he’d put on his bathrobe for an addition layer of security before settling back on the bed. If they were to stay home today, there was no reason for him to leave the bed for a while.

He didn’t sense Josh’s return; he had to wait until the other man spoke his name. Then he turned to look at him and he frowned, seeing how pale his partner’s face was. His frown deepened as he listened to Josh’s explanation of what had occurred, presumably at Hammel, and he creased his brow. That helped to place his loss of telepathy in a greater context, although there was still no explanation for why, only that it was a more widespread phenomenon.

And that perhaps that he might be needed after all. “Did they tell you who?”

That was grasping at straws, since it was likely a confidential list, and Josh’s status as his partner wouldn’t pass review. Still, if Josh had been given information, he wanted to hear it. Not that he was in any condition to help another person at the moment.

Then Josh was seated beside him again, holding his hand, and he glanced down briefly before explaining, “I feel completely cut off, like I’ve lost a sense or three.” He sighed softly and shook his head. “I don’t remember what it’s like to not be a telepath.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh shook his head at the inquiry, unable to give specifics, frustrated that he couldn't answer such a simple question. "I'm afraid I don't know who was effected." He admitted, "But I'm sure they're working on figuring out what's going on."

He didn't know who they were; presumably the doctors. Could a terrorist attack mix powers up like this, should they wish to weaken the meta population? Would an anti-meta group have the scientific knowledge to do such a thing? He didn't know, and that worried him. But his priority at the moment was Sean, who was obviously distraught without his ability to read minds, and so instead of divulging any of his concerns (though at least brain tumor was now off the list) he listened as the other man confessed his distress.

"I'm sorry. It must be hard."

He didn't know what else to say about the subject; he couldn't fix it, though he wished he could because the abject misery on his partner's face was heart-breaking. He'd never had telepathy, didn't know what it must be like. He'd always thought it sounded interesting, though he would never have wanted it for himself, but he'd never considered how much the ability to read mind's was intertwined with Sean's entire personality and self-image.

He briefly considered suggesting they do something to keep their minds occupied; dust and vacuum or scrub the toilets until they were shiny, but he couldn't bring himself to force Sean out of bed, and so instead he gingerly placed his arm around the other man once more.

"Do you want to just stay in bed today? I'll field calls just in case." In the off chance Hammel officials announced a cure to the morning's bizarre events he wanted to know, after all.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The psychiatrist could imagine who was involved in the task of determining who had been affected and the initial cause. Assuming that the other staff were either unaffected or taking this better than he was - both possible; he knew from years of conversation and association that not all metahumans were as wedded to their powers as he was. Clarisse, Yvette, James, Declan, the entire research department, perhaps Eli...

He hoped that the students were safe. He hoped that there were answers soon.

Sean leaned into the embrace when he felt Josh’s arm slip around his shoulders. The touch was comforting; the touch grounded him to the other man when he thought he might otherwise drown in this sea of nothingness. “I don’t mean to complain,” he said softly. He rested one hand on his knee, ran his fingers over the fabric covering his skin, tracing idle patterns. “I know it sounds silly.”

After all, Josh wasn’t a telepath and he was fine. Everyone else managed to cope with this.

When the question came regarding potential plans, he shrugged his shoulders and spoke quietly. “What do you want to do? I’m the one keeping you home.”

He couldn’t help but feel like an imposition, a notion that made him uncomfortable. He remembered quite vividly what he’d been like as a boy: emotionally unstable, needy, depressed, withdrawn. Robert had helped him then, but Robert wasn’t here. And while he had occasionally alluded to this with Josh over the years, he didn’t think his partner understood what backsliding could entail. And he felt guilty for that.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"It doesn't sound silly at all!" Josh objected, encouraging Sean to lean further. "I've never been a telepath, I don't know what it's like."

That was a philosophy he strove to live by, that he couldn't know what it was like to be anyone else. He wasn't always successful, but he felt that it had served him well for the most part. Sean had tried to explain to him what it was like to be a telepath, and he made an effort to listen, but he still couldn't fathom the idea of losing something he'd never had.

He frowned slightly at Sean's words, unhappy to hear such listlessness from his partner. "You're not keeping me here, I'm here of my own volition." He reprimanded lightly. He couldn't allow the other man to think that he was only here out of obligation, even if there was some measure of such included in his decision. He was obligated to care for Sean in moments of distress, of course, but he wanted to be. He wanted to care for his partner.

"I could bring up the newspaper and we could do the crossword puzzle together." He suggested, trying to keep his tone upbeat because he couldn't allow his anxiety and distress over Sean's distress overwhelm him; his partner needed him to be the strong one, a role reversal in so many ways, but he was determined to do the best he could for Sean's sake.

"We can have a nice day in and I'll order Chinese food for lunch, how does that sound?"

He hoped for, but didn't expect, an enthusiastic response, or at least an alternative suggestion. It might take a bit of time and effort to lure Sean out of the funk he was in, but Josh was determined to do so.

"Or we can watch To Have and Have Not again. Popcorn and hot tea and blankets on the couch?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean needed little encouragement. In this state, physical contact was necessary; it was craved and given even the slightest indication that it was acceptable, he would cling. The rational, self-sufficient part of his mind didn’t want to cling, but it was overborne by his otherwise fragile state. He could kiss Josh for being so good about this.

In fact...he turned his head, nuzzling against the other man’s neck lightly. “Thank you for being here. And for staying home.” For caring, because he didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t imagine his condition if he had to discover this alone. Perhaps he wouldn’t have noticed until the drive to work, when he would have had a panic attack and his car would have spun off the road into a lamppost.

Instead he was safe and with his partner, and while that didn’t undo his loss, he was better for it; Sean knew that.

Josh was suggesting some of his favorite activities: ordering Chinese food to save them the trouble of cooking while being able to savor Chinese food, one of his vices (his non-alcoholic ones); watching one of his favorite movies, one of the movies that Josh actually loved as well, a shared cherished film. Offering to try to continue routine by doing the crossword puzzle with him. Offering to break routine by letting him stay in bed. Offering physical contact and his presence.

His physical presence because that was all Sean could take comfort in.

He was grateful. And old patterns are hard to break, because to show his gratitude, he replied softly. “Anything you want.”