Better Off This Way - Closed Tag

[Benjamin Rhodes]

In hind sight, kissing Cobalt was probably not the best way to settle an argument. A rather idiotic argument at that. But it had been months, months that he had had the urge to do it. And once he did, he couldn't stop. He didn't want to stop. It sure didn't help that Cobalt just stood there for a long while before Ben could feel the other man pressing against him...

He shook the thoughts out of his head and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. Looking up at the road he was taking, his heart hammered against his ribcage as the office he was heading to came closer and closer. God what was he doing here? What was he going to say? He couldn't just blurt out his feelings to the other man. Just because the guy had reciprocated the kiss didn't mean he was into Ben. It didn't even mean he was into men.

But his depressing thoughts weren’t stopping him from approaching the rather familiar Leila-painted door to see the man whom had been the source of rather disturbingly pleasant dreams of late. He took deep calming breaths before opening the door, his eyes locked on straight to Cobalt's. Ben gave the older man a little smile. "Um...hey."

[Cobalt Weaver]

For the life of him, Cobalt couldn’t figure out why he didn’t just haul out and punch Ben in his stupid face. Well… no. Cobalt ran a hand through his hair, as frustrated as he’d been for the week since he’d seen the other man. He knew exactly why he didn’t punch Ben that night. Or push him away. Or do a thousand more advisable things than kiss him back. He had wanted it. And really, once everything clicked into place, he’d wanted it for a rather long time. That was the problem. Now, he had to work to keep himself busy lest he let his mind wander back to Ben and how his lips had felt against his. Sighing in aggravation, Cobalt threw down his glasses to run a hand down his face. There was a line you drew between the things you wanted, and what was the right thing to do. Cobalt had forgotten that, and now he’d have to take responsibility for that.

He thought of Ben; of his big, stupid smile and his earnestness and Cobalt was suddenly very, very tired. He couldn’t be selfish here. But dammit, he wanted this so badly.

Someone pushing open the door interrupted his thoughts. Expecting Leila, Cobalt hastily put his glasses back on. He didn’t want to talk about this with her. Despite the deal he’d made, this was something he didn’t want her help on. He jumped, a little startled to see instead of Leila, Ben. He was clearly nervous, but he gave Cobalt a little smile and Cobalt’s shoulders dropped slightly. If only things could be easy every once and a while. “Hey.” He returned, “How’s it going?”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

He hadn't realised he was gripping the door handle too hard until he could feel the cold metal digging into his palm. Ben let go slowly before stuffing the hand into his pocket. The way Cobalt's shoulder drooped almost made Ben want to leave. It was obvious the man didn't want him here. He fought against reason not to stay but failed in epic proportions as he closed the door behind him, stepping into the office.

Ben's eyes didn't scan around the office to see if anything else had been repaired or replaced as he usually did and the floor suddenly became the most interesting thing he had seen.

"It's...been okay." Ben said quietly. Lies. Every word of it. "Lia says hi." He finally looked up at the other man, inaudibly gulping as a smile forced its way on to his lips. "She also wants to hang out with Leila again." Ben knew this conversation wasn't going anywhere fast. But he still wasn't going to blurt anything out. Just yet.

"Is she around?" He asked, his eyes not leaving Cobalt's shoulder, still wondering why it had drooped so low.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt joined Ben in avoiding eye contact. He stared at his desk, fiddling with a pencil absently. The last time Ben had been in here, he’d sat and smiled and ganged up with Leila against him. It had been fun and everyone had been happy and now it was ruined. Cobalt felt miserable. And he was pretty sure he looked as miserable as he felt, but that didn’t matter; Ben wouldn’t look at him anyways. Dammit, Cobalt had messed everything up. He hadn’t maintained appropriate boundaries, he had given Ben too much leeway because it had felt nice and he had wanted it. And Ben was clearly regretting this. As he should be. What had happened had been a mistake, one that had happened out of confusion and selfishness and Cobalt needed to make it right somehow.

Damned if he knew how, though. When just watching Ben stammer through some dull and half-hearted lie made his chest ache. He wanted…to do several conflicting things at once. He wanted to shout at Ben, he wanted to leave, he wanted to hit something, he wanted to. Cobalt glanced at Ben’s face. He wanted to kiss him again. And he wanted to make the other man smile. He wanted this to end.

At the mention of Leila, Cobalt straightened. He didn’t want Leila to be present for any of this. “Uh. No, she’s not. And…” Cobalt rubbed his eyes tiredly, “Look, to be honest, I’m not really in the mood for bullshit. Let’s take a walk, huh?” He stood up and stepped around his desk, touching Ben’s wrist briefly to lead him out the door. He needed to stop making these little concessions. They weren’t helping.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben hadn't realised that Cobalt wasn't paying attention to what he was saying but when the other man voiced out his...anger (?), Ben felt an ache in his jaw spread down to his chest. But he also agreed that they should take a walk. Too many things in the office that could break if they continued to talk here. And Leila might be snooping. Or bugged the office, who knew? The younger woman was capable of doing so much.

The light touch of Cobalt's hand sent shivers down Ben's spine and he knew it wasn't supposed to feel this way, not in this situation. But his emotions were all out of whack right then and he wasn’t about to sort through it. Too much work and too many things running through his head.

He followed the older man out, all the while hoping the end of this conversation would at least be less painful than the outcomes he was coming up with at that minute. "I'm sorry about what I did." Damn it, Ben. Way to be subtle.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt stepped out into the warm air. Summer was starting, and there were students and locals milling about, reveling in the warmth and promise of summer. The bright sun felt in sharp contrast to the two solemn men, walking side by side on the sidewalk. Leaving the office had been a good idea for several reasons. Predominantly, Cobalt didn’t want Leila to come in at an awkward time. Or Josh. Or, worst of all, Danny. That would be awful, all things considered. But no, this was going to be resolved in one way or another. The promise of resolution didn’t make Cobalt feel any better, though. Especially when the solution was almost certainly an agreement to not spend so much time together. A disruption (or perhaps cessation) of their status quo was the last thing Cobalt wanted; he enjoyed Ben’s company. But that didn’t matter. It was the right thing to do, regardless of how Cobalt felt.

Ben’s quiet apology confirmed it. Ben understood that what had happened was an ill-advised decision. A mistake. And regardless of who started it, or who continued it, he saw it was time to end it. The words “me too” hung on his lips, but instead Cobalt looked up at the other man and said: “Are you really?”

He wasn’t sure why, and it was a damned stupid thing to say, but he had to know. If Ben was truly sorry this happened, then there wouldn’t be much more to talk about. And then maybe this wreck could go away, and the stifling feeling of misery and guilt and want would just stop. Because it was getting really damn old.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

The sun was burning the back of his head. The shirt he was wearing was suddenly so heavy against his skin because of the heat from the sun. Or at least that was what Ben wished was the source of his discomfort.

Cobalt's question deadened Ben in his tracks. Of all things the man could ask, could say, Ben did not expect him to ask that. He wanted to scream no. He wanted to tell the man that of course he wasn't sorry he did the very thing he had wanted to do since he saw Cobalt smile. But could he?

He supposed he was a bit sorry. He was sorry it didn't last any longer. He was sorry the man shot out of his house like a speeding bullet. He was sorry he made the man so uncomfortable that he couldn't even stay in the same room with him anymore.

But Ben said nothing of the sort. He ran a hand through his hair, settling it at the back of his head before dropping it down to his side. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No."

[Cobalt Weaver]

When Ben had stopped to look at him, Cobalt was prepared for the “yes”. He was prepared for Ben to admit that it had been a mistake, that he didn’t want this, that he was really sorry and embarrassed and maybe we could just forget about it and move on. And Cobalt would have agreed. He would have swallowed his feelings on the matter and agreed to let things go back to the way they were. Because that would mean that Cobalt was the only one who wanted this, and he could handle that. It was possible.

But then Ben actually answered. With the opposite from what Cobalt had been expecting. He stared up at the younger man, startled and confused. No, Ben wasn’t sorry. No, Ben didn’t regret what had happened. Yes, Ben had wanted that as much as Cobalt had. For a split moment, Cobalt entertained the possibility of allowing himself to do what he wanted. Take what he wanted, what Ben was all too willing to give him. They would both be doing what they wanted. On an impulse, Cobalt reached out and slid his hand into Ben’s. He stared at it. They could do this, and it would make sense, and it would be what they both wanted.

But would it really? Cobalt stared at their intertwined hands distantly, a weight settling in his chest. This still wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. And this all would have been much simpler if Ben had just regretted what they’d done. “Ben.” The other man’s name was a heavy sigh from Cobalt’s lips, “This… I care about you. I really do. More than--” He stopped. Restart. “You’re confused. You could do much better. You think I could give you what you need and I can’t.” Cobalt shrugged, pulling his hand out of Ben’s. “Trust me, it’s not worth the effort.” His smile was humorless. “I think it would be best if we quit while we’re ahead.”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Even with that one word answer, Ben had felt drained. This was the moment Cobalt would probably tell him everything was a mistake. The return of that kiss was a mistake on his part and it shouldn't ever happen again because he was not the type. It was wrong and Cobalt would just walk away and Ben wouldn't hear from him again.

And then he felt the grasp on his hand. He looked up in surprise and it was like hope spread all around his body like how he would feel his face warm when he pressed it up into the air as a child. It grew as the hand stayed clasped in his. His fingers curled around Cobalt's in hope.

But the way Cobalt sighed after saying his name popped the happy bubble that was growing. His stomach fell and the ghost of a smile that was about to appear slid away. Not even the starting of the sentence from Cobalt could cheer Ben up. The next words though struck him. Hard. Even worst was when Cobalt pulled his hand out of Ben's. His hand suddenly felt heavy and empty and cold.

It lay limp against his side as the child psychologist looked at the civil rights lawyer, his eyes dark. "What exactly are you trying to say, B...Cobalt?" The nickname Ben had grown accustomed to calling the lawyer didn't seem appropriate at the time. "We hadn't even...started. And who's to say you can't? We're...you like me don't you?" The words were English and he knew they were in the proper structuring but to his ears, it just sounded foreign. It didn't make sense. Worst still, that last bit had sounded desperate and clawing.

"I'm not confused, Cobalt." He said in a small whisper.

[Cobalt Weaver]

The look Ben was giving him cut Cobalt like a knife. “Dammit, stop looking at me like that,” Cobalt growled, balling his hands into frustrated fists, “I’m doing this for you. I’m not…” He turned hurt and angry eyes up at Ben, “I’m trying to explain this to you. So listen up. I don’t know how to be with someone. I don’t know how to say the things you deserve to hear or—or be with you like someone else could be.” He glared at Ben helplessly, “I’m not even sure I can be okay with this.” He ran an aggravated hand through his hair, “In the long run. And I don’t want to—to start something only to have it be ruined my something I did.” His glare deepened, “I’m not going to be responsible for that.” He wasn’t going to be the one to break Ben’s heart. He wouldn’t do it.

At Ben’s question and his desperate, plaintive tone, Cobalt genuinely felt like he was suffocating. Dammit, why couldn’t Ben understand? “Of course. Of course I like you, Ben. That’s—that’s not the issue, here. I’m…” Cobalt laughed helplessly, throwing his hands in the air, “I’m doing this because I like you. I am too… broken for you.” He said finally. He hated admitting it, he hated saying things like that, because it made him sound pathetic and sad and a thousand other things that were a hundred percent true. And Ben deserved to know it.

“And dammit Ben.” Cobalt said finally, turning so he wouldn’t have to look at Ben’s face, “I don’t even know if I can trust you.” It was as close as Cobalt was going to get to admitting how afraid he was at taking the risks Ben was asking him.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

After months of hearing Cobalt yell at him during fights, the novelty of being surprised still hadn't worn off. The older man probably didn't mean to sound that way, Ben was hoping that was the case, but he could feel Cobalt's anger and frustration. Every word coming from the shadow manipulator was laced with varying degrees of an amalgamation of the two emotions.

And Ben was responsible for that heightened emotion.

And then Cobalt said the very words Ben never heard anyone tell him before. His occupation was built on trust, the base of all his friendships had been built on them trusting Ben, everything about Ben surrounded the fact that he was trustworthy. Sure he made idiotic mistakes every now and again but he could be trusted, plain and simple.

To have Cobalt say he couldn't trust him was worst than a punch to the gut after a slap in the face. And Ben had suffered both on many counts; some even doled out at the same time. This was not the direction Ben had wanted the conversation to move in.

"You're selling yourself short, Cobalt." Ben said, not meeting the other man's eyes. How could he? He knew if he did, things would transpire and the wrong words were going to come out. Cobalt didn't deserve it. Not even after basically insulting what Ben stood for. And briefly, Ben hoped the man was talking about something else. Anything to dull the pain of not being trusted by the man he felt this way for.

"I don't think you even know what you can handle." The younger man shook his head and rubbed his hand against his face tiredly. His whole body showed how extremely dejected he felt. "But I...understand." When in truth, Ben didn't but he couldn't stand being here anymore. He couldn't stand here and look at the older man and know that he thought it was better off if they didn't do anything about Ben's feelings.

He was quite sure Cobalt didn't return Ben's feelings. Liking someone and feeling what Ben was feeling was two entirely different things. Cobalt didn't feel for Ben what Ben felt for Cobalt. That was it. No arguments left.

Ben stepped forward and bent slightly to place a soft kiss on Cobalt's lips, his hand grazing the rough texture of Cobalt's facial hair. He lingered longer than he should have before stepping away. "I'm sorry..."

What he was sorry for was a bit unclear but Ben felt sorry. He turned after giving Cobalt a small brave smile and walked off.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt had hurt Ben, he realized it the moment the words had left his mouth. Unfortunately, this in and of itself wasn’t a particularly new phenomenon. Cobalt and Ben got into arguments more often than not and Ben wasn’t exactly a sharp tongue. But he knew how Ben looked when he was angry and ready to call out Cobalt’s bullshit. This was different. This was pain, without any vitriol or anger or irritation. A part of Cobalt instantly wanted to apologize, to take back everything he said, do something to make Ben smile again. Just. Smile. Because he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing that look on Ben’s face for very much longer knowing he’d put it there.

But he couldn’t very well apologize, simply because it was the truth: Cobalt didn’t know if he could trust Ben with this. Whatever this was. Ben didn’t even know what he was asking of Cobalt, really. And here Ben was, so willing to explicitly trust Cobalt with his stupid, ridiculous heart without a whole lot of hesitation. The blind faith Ben was placing in Cobalt was enough to make him furious, weighed down by the weight of that responsibility. And yet he couldn’t reciprocate. He couldn’t. And it hurt like hell.

Cobalt nodded when Ben said he understood. He didn’t, really. Cobalt could tell. But he was backing off. He was giving up, and Cobalt figured it was better Ben give up now than when it was too late. Maybe Ben got the hint: this is what it may be like forever. He wasn’t worth the trouble. The thought that Ben may feel like this, while it was Cobalt’s goal, still ached. He wanted this. He wanted this so very badly, but he couldn’t—he wasn’t willing to put Ben’s feelings at risk. And he wasn’t ready to risk his own heart either. And that just wasn’t fair. Even though all he wanted was to take back everything he said and take the chance. This was all just so stupid.

And then Ben was kissing him. Light and innocent, with none of the crushing passion of the last time. Cobalt leaned into it, screwing his eyes shut tightly, trying to memorize this feeling. The hand on his face was grounding and comforting. The moment was fleeting, however, as Ben leaned away, breathing an apology in his ear. Cobalt watched with an ache in his chest as Ben smiled slightly and walked away. Cobalt stood there for a while after Ben left, looking as bereft as he felt before limping back to the office, taking the long way so that he could regain his composure before he had to go back to work.

[ooc: closed. D: Excuse me, I just have something in my eye]