Ann Hudgins' Journal

[Ann Hudgins]

April 2006

"You can give me that look all you want, but you still aren't getting it." Her voice cut through the girl's hopes and dreams and she sank down farther into the passenger seat. Her blue eyes were focused longingly on the tattoo parlor window, the crazy designs drew in her wants. It was a lip piercing she was after, however, not a demon snake with wings. She knew her mother would never go for a tattoo. She was only fourteen.

"You haven't given me a good reason yet." The brunette girl replied with the same tone as her mother. She saw the knuckles go white against the steering wheel, but she just didn't have it in her to be scared that she was about to cross the line. Her mother looked at her with narrowed eyes.

"I am your mother, so I do not need a reason! You are not getting a piercing and that is the end of it." Her voice rose in pitch and the girl sagged against the seat again with an eyeroll. So her mother was pissed at her, and she was pissed herself. She knew, somewhere deep in side, that she should probably worried about the shit storm she'd get for arguing with her mother once she got home, but there was no room in that for the frustration she was feeling, like being stuck under a couple of heat lamps--it was hitting her at all sides.

She jabbed her finger down on the arm rest and leaned her head out of the window once the glass passed beneath the rubber protector. She let out a long sigh as the frustration blew out the window.

August 2006

[/i]

Suburbia, USA.

Rolling hills, North Carolina, to be exact, was going to be her graveyard. She just knew it. Each house on her street was polished and looked identical to the one right next to it. The only discernible difference would be the cars parked in the weed-free driveways, or the names on the mailboxes. She looked out of her second story window and saw the young neighbor kids splashing in the neighbor pool loudly and without restrictions. Why would they be worried? It was the last week of summer and every kid, child, or teenager with half a brain was out there with friends having the time of their lives. She should be out there with them, laughing and playing, and being carefree. But she was fifteen now, and going to be starting high school.

She had no older siblings, she had no older cousins, and she had no older friends so she had no idea what it was going to be like. Sure, she knew something about high school from the movies, but no matter how good the actors portray the awkward first day, they were still going by a script. And life, the girl knew, was not scripted by any means.

Her descent into madness, she liked to call, had gotten so much worse after her uh...menstral cycle had come to a messy end--her mother was still grieving over the fact her little girl was no longer a little girl--she felt everything now. The people across the street were arguing hotly about some bad decision one made with the other--or someone else. She didn't know for certain--the emotions were too raw. Her father downstairs was pissed at someone, or thing, because something wasn't working properly.

And while she could recognize all of that, she also felt it. So she was made at her unknown neighbor for whatever the hell they did for whatever reason, and she was mad at whatever wasn't working properly downstairs and at the mystery person for not making it work. She wanted to punch something, but she busted her knuckles open last week on the family punching bag and her mother forbid her from hitting it again until her flesh closed over. She looked down at her bandaged hands and curled them into fists.

Whatever the hell was going on, she wanted it to stop.

November 2006

She shook her head a couple of times. "No. I can't do it. There's too much in there. I'll pop." She looked up at the woman who obviously wanted to pat her on the shoulder for comfort. Her eyes were wide in warning and the woman lowered her hands back down to her waist. She nodded towards the door.

"The first day is always the hardest, dear, but once it's over with it will all be better." She was sincere in her words, through and through, and while the girl was absorbing and experiencing it herself, she also felt the twenty-five other bodies of emotion bubbling just on the other side of the door and she took a step back.

"I can't." She insisted again. Already her heart was beginning to ache. Like there was just too much blood in her system for it to handle. The woman took not of her labored breath, but she was still convinced the girl was just a nervous little shy thing. So she boldly stepped towards the door and opened it, and stuck her head in. The girl didn't really register what she was saying to the teacher inside, and she didn't care either. The empty hallway on either side of her was terribly inviting. She wanted to run in either direction, but she knew that the more she put this off, the worse things would get. If she ran away on her first day, people would be after her.

Someone would try to...touch her, and she'd really lose it. She steeled her spine as the door opened farther in front of her as her knew home room teacher peered at her. He was dressed as casually as a teacher usually dressed and she tried not to let the food in her stomach turn into vomit. She was too nervous herself. He was a jittery thing, she noticed and she wanted to be anywhere but there.

"Well come on. Class started five minutes ago." He said and waved a hand into his class room, she saw a few curious head leaning forwards to get a better look at the new student, but she wasn't paying attention to them. She was looking at his hands as she walked past. Don't do it. Don't do it. She prayed, she prayed as hard as she had ever prayed before. But he did.

As she walked past him into the classroom he patted her shoulder like they were old comrades. She got sucked in immediately, a lot harder than she had the last time someone touched her. It was a whirlpool of brightly colored things. He seemed like a nice guy. He was rife with compassion towards his job, loving the new schedule he was on, still buzzing from that weekends events (which was also tinged with one regret or two), looking forward to starting class because of some special secret assignment he had planned in lieu of his new student, a bit of annoyance towards her own hesitation to walk in side and his confusion as the girl crumbled to the floor shaking after his light touch.

She wasn't even aware that she was screaming until he touched her again, on the shoulder to see what was wrong with her. She reflexively kicked out to get him away from her. Upset. Anger. Confusion. Hesitation. Worry. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Hesitation. Confusion. They tasted like rotten eggs on her tongue and they filled her nose with their bitter aftertastes. His last emotions lingered inside her system and she herself was angry at herself for not understanding what was wrong with her (like the teacher), she was guilty for doing this to herself (because he touched her), she was confused at why she was acting that way from a simple touch (some people are just too phobic), and she was worried that she wouldn't be OK after this because she seemed like she was dying in pain.

She sensed hands around her, fluttering around like distraught butterflies and she knew it to be the woman that was showing her around, but mercifully, they didn't touch her. Her brain felt dry and wrung out. She would shrivel completely if she was touched again, especially if it was from someone else. The last of her screams faded and she finally felt like herself again. She forced her eyes open.

The room looked a lot different from the floor. She pushed herself up with wobbly arms and ran out the door on shaky legs. Neither the teacher nor the woman stopped her.

December 2006, 2007, 2008

She wiped her eyes again. No letters, no phone calls, no anything. It was Christmas and her family seemed adamant to not have anything to do with her. Fine. Fine. She let out an enraged sob and threw the nearest item to her at the next nearest item. Her hair brush hit her bedside lamp and they both paraded to the floor with their own orchestra and she winced at the noise. For three hours it had just been her pitiful muffled sobs and sniffs that she had heard, and hearing other noises was almost strange. She buried her face in her knees again and tried to not care anymore.

She tried to not give a shit about the family that hated her because of what she was. She tried to not care that she had no friends, or someone that would even think about her today. She tried to not care about the fact that the last time she laughed was because someone that had been so giddy she literally couldn't stop herself from joining in. Her eyes lifted to the thin razor she had broke from her last disposable shaving razor. She wasn't thinking about cutting to take the edge off. She was thinking about severing to take the pain away. She didn't reach out for it.

If she cut herself enough to bleed out, and if someone found her before she really died, then she'd feel all that worry, all that care, and it'd just break her heart. She couldn't try to kill herself with that flimsy piece of metal because of the chance that it wouldn't work immediately. She mechanically got up from her bed--still dressed in yesterdays clothes--and walked over to the window. Snow covered the ground and while it gave off the image of tranquility and serenity, the girl was too depressed to be tricked by that image. The world was shit and she was stuck with it until she finally got the nerve to kill herself or someone did it for her. She let her head hit against the cold glass and she let out a snot-clogged sigh. Something needed to change, something needed to change badly.

[Ann Hudgins]

October 2009

I'm eighteen now.

Big deal, right?

Nope.

[Ann Hudgins]

September 2006

She was sitting in the back yard, the tire swing was too small for her to wiggle her hips in it anymore, and she didn't trust the rope holding it, either. She wasn't sitting on the patio chairs, because that was too close to her parents. They had gotten a call last week. Hammel Institute was interested in Ann because of her 'ability'. Her parents denied that she was a meta, but they wouldn't have been contacted otherwise, right? And they ALL knew something was wrong with her.

The recruiter was gonna be coming by today. Her parents were just arguing about how evil they were going to be. Mom believed they shouldn't let her go at all. Dad figured they should hear the guy out, and then probably not let her go. They both were still clinging on to the fact that the guy was wrong and that Ann was just going through a period of adjustment with her menstral period and her hormones were out of wack.

A justifiable reason.

Bullshit

Ann was fucked up and the guy coming today knew it, and could help her (or at least the place he was coming from could). She rested her face against her knees and closed her eyes. It was at that moment she heard the car pull up into the driveway. The muffled loud voices from the house ceased and Ann knew this was her last chance at hopping the fence and running away to her friends house, where he was waiting outside to drive them both to his aunts house two cities to the north where she could hide for a month, week, rest of her life. She flipped open her phone and looked at the picture of the two of them together. They were donned in their work out clothes, their boxing gloves still strapped on, grinning from ear to ear.

She looked up when the back door opened. It was her dad, their cat Celeste ran out through his feet and he cocked his head towards the rest of the house and Ann flipped her phone closed. Missed that chance. She sighed as she stood up and walked next to her dad. The only resemblence the two of them had was their hair color, but he was still in the Marines, so his high and tight was too short to really get the color. He was broad shouldered and tall. She was middle height with a fourteen year old girl's shoulders. She walked passed him into the kitchen, getting a face full of all of their aggression and swayed on her feet. Not because of the drastic flop from hot humid air to cold room. But because there was just so much feeling in the room, it was like she just grabbed hold of an electric fence.

She looked almost identical to her mom. They had the same jaw and nose, same eye color, and were the same height. Ann had no doubt that when she was her mother's age, she'd look just like her. She was looking pissed right now and pointing towards the door. Ann didn't have to ask to know that it was her job to answer the door. She stepped over the unrolled yoga mat and made her way through the hallway to the front door. Her parents were whispering fiercly in the kitchen now and she opened the door.

He was just about to reach for the door bell and looked surprised to see the teenager there. He pushed his glasses up his nose and smiled a little. He was a weedy looking guy, not very muscular with a rather clean presence about him. Ann wasn't sure she liked him. He exuded nervousness, which was something she didn't need. "You are the Hammel guy?" She asked, trying her best not to sound pissed.

"Dr. James Campbell." He said with a small inclination of his head. Ann wasn't dumb and didn't introduce herself, even if that was a bit rude.

"My parents are....really mad. Make it sound as good for me and for them as possible. Try not to mention the word 'Meta.'" Ann looked over her shoulder at her parents who were taking up their defensive positions in the living room. Both sitting side by side on the couch, leaving the arm chair for Dr. Campbell. He looked a little surprised at her blunt advice and tried to smile a little.

"I'm good at my job." He said moving to step into the house. Ann back pedaled quickly, so he didn't come close to her.

"Go to your room, while we talk." Her mother's cold voice shot down her spine like a bullet. She didn't even look at the doctor before she ran up the steps to get her backpack. She didn't hear yelling voices yet, but she knew it was coming. She sent the text to her best friend to have him ready.

[Ann Hudgins]

September 2006

She shifted in the seat. She didn't like it. This car smelled like anxiety and sweaty arm pits. She rubbed her tongue against her teeth to get a little more moisture in her mouth. She'd probably feel better if her mouth wasn't so dry, and the urge to vomit wasn't so prominent. She glanced over at her recruiter. She saw him like a savior and a condemner. He had managed to convince her parents that Hammel was the choice for her, by something short of a miracle. But that wasn't without the negatives that her parents didn't even get out of their room when he came by that morning to pick her up. Ann knew they were awake. They just didn't care.

She felt a serge of hate towards them. It wasn't her fault that her parents spawned a meta-human! It wasn't her fault her power had something to do with emotions and she couldn't handle being touched by someone because of how much crap she had to deal with in her mind. "Could you...Could you not claw the seats?" His voice was timid and quiet, almost a croak. She looked down at her hands to see them wrapped around the the sides of her seat, her nails digging into the leather. She pulled back her hands and pushed them between her legs, palm to palm. She shifted in her seat for a moment and then the car went back to being silent. Not even the radio was playing.

She didn't acknowledge him again until he took the wrong turn to get on the highway. She turned her head towards him and then the road and then back to him. "What?" He asked, his sudden voice made her cringe a little.

"You are going the wrong way."

"The GPS says to keep going straight."

"It's wrong."

"The GPS got me to your house, twice now. And I took this way the first time, and I got to the hotel. This isn't the wrong way."

"Yes. It is." Ann looked from the GPS suction-cupped to the middle of the wind shield to the thin man. "You take the Piney Green to New Bern, then Gum Branch. And you aren't going to the hotel, are you? It's the interstate, right? And to avoid going down the middle of the busiest part in the city, you should have turned back there." She pressed herself farther into the seat and folded her arms across her chest. Everyone and their brother was getting off of work right now, and they'd all be going in the direction they were going. It'd be bumper to bumper by the time they got a mile past the Main Gate.

He wrung his hands on the seat belt. "You may think that. But this is what the GPS is telling me, so I am going to follow it." He didn't say anything else and neither did she. If he wasn't going to listen to her, then fine. They'd sit in traffic for two hours. Maybe after that he'd listen to her.

They didn't even get past the exit to go to the main gate by the time they stopped. "What is this?!" He demanded as he pulled to a stop behind a black SUV with an 'I love my marine' sticker on the back bumper. Ann rolled her eyes.

"I told you." She said under her breath and he glared at the bumper sticker. He sat in silence. So did she. The tension in the car was thick enough to cut with a knife and Ann felt it pressing in on her body like an air mattress. She rubbed the sides of her face and his tense posture seemed to relax.

He reached up and started pressing buttons on his GPS and Ann pulled at her shirt sleeve. She couldn't believe she was on a trip with this guy, that involved a plane. It would be a miracle if she didn't go crazy by the time they arrived. If they arrived, she severally doubted his ability to decipher the terrifying world of airport terminals.

[Ann Hudgins]

July 2010

Stuff has actually been...great. I wouldn't say I have made friends, but I have people now that I can talk to and...sorta joke with. It's great. I mean, I feel more...normal. I'm not so depressed all the time or moody. Ever since I've started taking lessons with Mr. Collier and Ms. Vasiliev, I have been able to do things I'd never thought I'd be able to do. Just last week I accidentally bumped into someone and...nothing happened.

They just kept walking, and I wasn't effected. Well, I was, up to a point, but I've been keeping an emotion shield on all my chakras, which is actually a lot easier than it sounds, and when I touched him, I just felt him. But that was all.

My Pen Pal deal has been working, as well. This guy is from some part of London and goes to school there. It's always interesting to see him use different words, like 'mum' and just his entire sentence structure is a bit different. He has this interesting power to turn himself into a gelatinous substance and he'd been in contact with the therapist because of his constant melting into a puddle of ooze and then reforming without clothes on. I actually feel really sad for him. At least when I get someone's emotions, I don't get naked.... which would be incredibly awkward.

I have uh...been thinking about maybe seeing if I can't get a job somewhere in Pilot Ridge, part time. I mean, now that being surrounded by people doesn't kill me, it'd be nice to have some money in my pocket, and with a job comes chances to meet other people, right? I think I'll as Dr. Neville the next time I go and see him.

Ann, signing off.

[Ann Hudgins]

August 2010

The more I hang out with people in the Student Lounge, and just everywhere, I really start to realize how...boring and un-fantastic I am. Of the people I met, they have so much to their self, like their habits and mannerisms. Some people have their catch phrases and hand gestures, others have it in their walk and facial expressions. It has only just really come to my attention because I can get past everyone's raw emotion and actually see people as an individual. It's pretty interesting....when I focus on other people, but not on my self, oh no.

For starters, I have no personal style that is significant to me in any way. And I'm not just talking about a brand of clothing I prefer or the types of stuff I wear, I am talking about the feel of it all. When I look at myself in the mirror in whatever getup, it is almost like looking at a mannequin (not posed ridiculously); dull and lifeless. I just look pale and dead, even in the brightest colors. I don't honestly know how to fix that or even if that is the truth or not. I think I look that way, but I am by no means comfortable enough to ask anyone else about it either, I mean....no one cares about me so they probably don't have an opinion about it anyway.

The second thing I noticed was that I don't have any habits. I don't bounce on my tippy toes when I am excited, I don't laugh any unique way (if I laugh at all), I don't have my own cool or really silly catch phrase, I don't talk with my hands or have any odd facial ticks, I don't, I don't, I don't. That is all I have is the 'I don't.' My character building years were spent as a terrible recluse and because of that, I haven't matured or changed (positively) in four years. I'm just a shriveled pathetic thing with some control over my powers. I have a lot to work on.

Days like today make me want to just curl up under my bed and stay there forever. Ah well, it's time for some dinner.

Transmission Terminated.

[Ann Hudgins]

August 2010

James (my Pen Pal from England), has been telling me that he's been having a bit harder of a time at his school there. He told me a few people found him after he'd accidentally melted (as he calls it) and took his clothes and then the one of them had a ice power or something, and froze him. He seemed like...really broken up about it. I really wanted to find that M-effer and knock the living shit out of them...I mean why would someone....what would possess them to.....I just don't get it! How could one human being (well, Meta) do that to another? Even though I don't know James, or even seen his face, I know he isn't the type of guy to go about making enemies! There isn't a single logical reason for them to do that, and it severally pissed me off. I told him he should march straight into the closest office and have the lot of them smacked around and expelled or something equally as awful, and hopefully violent. I mean how dare they. After that really heated e-mail he replied that there was no way of knowing who it was because in his form, he doesn't have any sight or hearing when he is melted. So basically he was just blind as a frozen pile of jello for god knows how long, not knowing what the fuck happened until someone found him.

I am honestly outraged. If I had the power, I'd give England a visit and poke my pointy nose around until I find that bastard that did it and make their head explode! (not that I know how to do that, but I'm fucking pissed for Christ' sake) But, I know that is beyond me. I don't have a passport or money, and I sure as hell wasn't able to walk through the mall without wincing, no way I was walking through an airport. However I am going to tell Dr. Neville about this and make sure the people in the England School know about it. James says he told his councilor about it...but I'm not really sure.

Anyway, I don't have anything else to say, I'm too pissed. Imma go meditate.

Out.

[Ann Hudgins]

August 2010

Dear Band-Aid,

I really hope you read this, and don't just throw it away when you see it in the mail. I'm really sorry I haven't...tried to contact you in three years. I can't believe it's been that long...I am writing this to you now...because I miss my best friend..no. I miss my brother. We did everything together. You are probably graduating come the spring, and I was supposed to, but it's complicated. I'll probably explain it if when you reply. How is everything on the cloudy beaches of Jacksonville? Are you still big brother to all of the neighborhood kids or did you out grow that? Uhm...

I would have called, but you have to understand, that when I got here I just went inside myself and didn't communicate with anyone, even my teachers. I hadn't made a single friend until just recently. I haven't replaced you, don't worry--no one could ever do that. My teachers are all really nice, now that I actually talk in class and I am learning to control this curse better everyday. I still slip up now and again, but it's nothing too bad. Oh, and another reason why I haven't called was because they took my phone away. They haven't spoken to me or written to me either. ...Have you seen then recently? How are they acting? ...Do they miss me?

I really hope you haven't written me off like as a freak with other freaky friends and we spend all our time playing with our freaky gifts. I barely have a friend, and I've never 'played' with my power before. I still suck at it. We aren't being trained here to take over the world and enslave the human race, by the way. You can pass that on to my parents, if you'd like. Everyone here is nice and just wants to enjoy their lives. No hostile take overs in there. I'm telling you this because...I just don't know how you are anymore Could you please write me back and tell me? How is everything? How are you?

You remember when we were like six and we found that turtle in the back yard? You poked it with a stick and it bit me. It really hurt. The scar is still on my finger...

I really miss you, Aiden.

Ann.

[Ann Hudgins]

September 2010

[/i]

Hey Ann,
It's almost weird, getting a letter from you. Just three days ago, Gran asked me how you were doing and I couldn't tell her anything....It's bad. Not having you around. Everything's boring, and no one here understands sarcasm. It's like you took it with you. I gave the guy my money at the cash register after getting a Red Bull, and the guy says 'have a nice day.' I told him not to tell me what to do and he got pissed and told me to get the fuck out of his store. I mean, what is it with people these days?! No one can take a joke.

I haven't seen your parents...in a while. I mean they leave for work in the butt crack of dawn, and get home after I got home from school, but from what I've seen through the window...well they argue a lot. I don't know what of, but there is almost always shouting. I'm too scared to go over there, Gran says they are both depressed for being how they were, and I agree. They acted like total assholes when your powers showed up, and I still think it's awesome. I'm almost sad that you said you weren't planning on taking over the world--or at least other metas. Tell me more about that place. How is private school? Do you have any roommates? Are they girls? Are they hot girls? Any attached pictures would be greatly appreciated.

I've started to send you like...a bazillion emails, but I didn't know if you'd...reply I guess. I miss you too. I've tried to do research about that school of yours, because I was curious, but I haven't found anything....would it be pathetic if I tried going up to Vermont on your birthday? Mom wouldn't let me because of the school I'd miss, but know that I tried. I even got you a great present, and now that I know your address, I'll make sure you get it. I'll probably put it in the mail along with this, maybe even inside the box, I'm not sure. I hope you like it.

Ha! Well I guess it isn't too, too funny about you not graduating, but at least you'll not be kicked out of the school and not be all Power-Master. And who is this friend you made? Is it a girl? Is it a hot girl? Picture? (oh and when you get your present....use it. You'll know what I mean when you see it.) The family misses you (my family, I don't know about yours), and we'd all love it if you could come visit us..whenever.

Ok, I know you knew this was coming, so I'm just going to ask. What exactly can you do with your power? Your parents never told anyone. Can you shoot lazers from your eyes? No, I know! You're super strong, riiiight? I'm right, aren't I? I know I am. It totally fits. Let me know as soon as you can -wink-.

[/justify][/font][/size]

Ann's expression was frozen between a grin of pure joy, and complete shock and surprise. Never in her wildest dreams would that letter have arrived. She had been hoping for something, maybe a slightly annoyed Aiden, but not this happy and excited one. And while she held the letter, she could feel his ecstatic happiness as he wrote the letter as well. She just couldn't believe it, right?

It got better. Two days letter, she got a small box wrapped like a present, though the delivery sticker was on top instead of a bow. She ripped off the wrapping with shaky fingers to see the box was white. A box from Verizon. She'd dropped it and stared at it before she remembered how to move. She opened the box slowly, her eyes were drawn to a new, shiny sleek looking thing she didn't even know the name of. She pried it out and held in the power button. She felt tears in her eyes and a permanent smile on her face as it started up. It had full battery life and the background was a picture of her and Aiden from a tournament.

The banner said, 'happy birthday.' She opened the list of contacts to see that he had programmed all the important ones in (his, his parents, his aunt and grandma...and several of their friends). "Oh my god, oh god." She whispered under her breath as she looked at the time. It was Saturday and she prayed he wasn't doing anything. She called his number and waited as it rang. Once. Twice. Three times. For times.

"Yeeeeessss?"
"Aiden?"
"Yes."
"Aiden!"

oh my god!.

[Ann Hudgins]

September 2010

"You cannot be serious. You can't be serious." Ann's voice held a tone that had been unused by her in a loooong time; it was amused.

"..seriously, Ann. Think about it. A Zombie apocalypse is so totally possible! They've made all these movies about it recently, like Zombie land...Ma! I'm on the phone!...and I can't believe you haven't seen that movie yet! It's so possible!"

"Will you just listen to yourself?! Just because they make a movie about it, doesn't mean it's going to happen!" He tried to argue but she pressed on with her point. "Think of all the movies they made of the future in the seventies and eighties....And how the people dressed in the 2000s. That didn't happen. And what about all these vampire movies out too? Are those going to happen?"

"Well no, but a Zombie attack could totally happen. And I can't believe you just made a reference to Twilight." He feigned sickness and made a very convincing barfing noise over the phone, which was the only thing this entire conversation that caused her to frown. Ew. "You, the incorrigible shut-in, the Twerd. I can't believe it."

"A Tw-what? I read that book in like eighth grade, when it came out. Sheesh. I didn't even know there were more of them until I saw some girl wearing a shirt with that Diggory kid from Harry Potter on it. And secondly, you don't get to call me a shut-in, or incorrigible because you barely know what it means. And thirdly, you didn't answer my question." Ann hrmphed in satisfaction and there was a long pause on the phone as he thought.

"You gotta see Zombieland." He stressed the 'gotta' with a plea and she rolled her eyes. "So tell me, Twi-hard. Team Edward, or Team Jacob?" He asked and she could picture him wiggling his eyebrows with his hand on his hip. She bit her lip to hold in the laugh.

"I'm Team-shut-the-fuck-up-about-Twilight."

After another hour and a half of constant chatter and bickering, they both agreed it was time to end the conversation, less they use up all the minutes they had that month for phone calls. After the call was ended, Ann slumped against the couch, a giddy grin on her face. Soft laughter peeled occasionally as she reflected on the conversation. Not only did she feel whole again because she had her best friend--brother-- back, but she also felt like she'd regained herself anew. She felt reinvigorated as well. Yeah, she might have crappy powers that are really hard to control, all the time, but she also had an idiot friend that still loved her for who she is, and not so hung up on the what.

[Ann Hudgins]

Mr Collier,

You told me to keep a journal for my emotions, so it'd help my training. You said to just write down things (everything) about my powers. Instead of just writing about that, I decided to write them like letters to you. Mostly because it's easier to write my emotions down like that. I'll start with our first session, a good a starting place as any, right? I don't like it. Not that that I don't like your help. I just don't like it. 'It' being my powers, and what they do. All they do is hurt me. I can't be who I am with the powers, because they stop me from interacting with anyone at all.

Besides that, it hurts. When I touched your hand for...I don't even know, ten seconds...it all but erased who I was. I know you said you felt what I felt, but I literally started to consider myself you. Ann didn't exist in those few seconds. I know I've claimed that feeling everyone's emotions around me caused me to think the same thing, but it's so true pertaining to this. It's like when I touch people (you), I absorb it all in to replace what I have, and I really don't think there is a way for me to control it. It was too powerful of something for me to stop. And it really scares me.

[Ann Hudgins]

October

In the cartoons and movies, sometimes a character would get into a bit of trouble, or do something they wouldn't normally do. Usually when said character did something like that, they often used the same excuse, or a variation there of: "He made me do it," more commonly "They made me do it."

The only thing Ann had to say in her defense was that, "he made me do it."

Though he didn't like hold her at gun point, or anything. He didn't overpower her and force her to do it--to do anything. He respected her as an individual and knew that if he touched her skin, she'd pop (or so she had described). However, he spent a good three hours on the phone explaining her exactly why she needed to do it, and how much better everything would be afterwords, no matter the outcome. His line of thinking was that; a, they had been wanting to get in touch with her for a long time, but had no way of doing so; b, they truly never wanted anything to do with her; or c, they'd all but killed themself with grief and regret. Aiden reasoned that with outcome 'A,' that if they had been wanting to talk to her, then those two bridges were restored and Ann got her parents back! Outcome 'B' would reveal how truly monstrous her parents were and Ann could then move on with her life, never to think of them again. Outcome 'C' worked out much like outcome 'A,' but when Aiden had started to name reasons, he sorta ran out of them after the second one but kept going because he was committed.

Ann knew that, but it hardly made herself feel better.

Anyway, after the long and drawn out conversation, Ann knew that he was right and since she had the shiny phone that worked just fine, she had no more excuses. It was something she had to do, just like he said.

However, she never signed any contract saying she had to do it now.

[Ann Hudgins]

October 2010

Aiden totally flipped a shit when he found out she hadn't called her parents. He even went so far as to threaten her with a bear hug if she didn't do it today. So, after the shock wore off, she promised she would and hung up the phone.

Now her heart was pattering in her chest cavity painfully and her breathing was a bit erratic. Sweat pricked at her armpits and the backs of her knees and she just wanted to not do it, but curiosity was killing the cat, only in her case, she hoped that satisfaction would bring it back. Dialing the number was surprisingly easy, though once it was all punched in, that little green button wasn't so easy. She was one muscle twitch away from getting answers, and it was a lot harder to face than she had imagined--and she had imagined it would be rather difficult.

After a quick breath she pressed the button and slowly lifted it up to her ear. "Please enjoy the music while your party is reached..." the woman told her kindly before a Cute is What We Aim For song blared in her head. Her parents were sometimes too weird for words. The song went on for a long time, about a curse or something and Ann was starting to shake with repressed...everything.

"Hudgins speaking. Who is this?" Her mother's voice was crisp and business-like, she didn't recognize the number, but the area code was the same, which was probably why she answered sounding like a business woman. Ann then wondered how the store was going. She let out a little sigh and opened her mouth to speak, just as her mother let out an insistent, 'hello?"

"Hi," she chirped, though it sounded weak even in her ears. There was a pause.

"Who is this?" Her voice had taken on a hint of desperation and Ann knew that her mother had recognized her voice, even if she didn't yet know who she was on the phone with.

"Mom," Ann said slowly, she was about to continue her introduction of herself, when she heard a rustling noise and then a thud. Either her mother had fainted--which was something Ann knew her mother had never done before--or dropped the phone, which was more likely. In the background she heard her mother scream for Carl. She also hear a roar that sounded like whaaaat?!. The sound of movement continued, and then the unmistakable thud of feet running up stairs. A door flung open and bounced off the wall.

Ann then knew her mother had been in the kitchen, probably clipping coupons, or flipping through a catalog for more things to sell in her store, and had then run up to the office upstairs where her dad was probably playing a video game on the computer. There was a silence then, like there wasn't anything on the other line. Ann looked quickly at the phone to see the timer was still counting, so she hadn't been disconnected. "Hello?" She asked in a hurry, "hello?!"

Then the sound was back, and the other line echoed a bit, she knew then that she was on speakerphone. "Ann?" Her mother asked as her father asked, "Monkey?" Tears welled in her eyes from hearing her father's nickname for her. When Ann was little, she always wanted to climb trees, and the couch, and the bookcase. The name stuck.

"Yah," she said with a nod of her head, though they couldn't see it. "Uhm, I was just...calling to see how you are." She hastily wiped her eyes, in case the tears started to leak into her voice.

"We...we are doing good. I'm up for promotion by next month--we are uhm...we--"

"Ann, you're graduating this spring, right?" Her mother cut off her father, and Ann was too shocked by the conversation to read much into it.

"Yeah, but...I can't leave. I'm not...not ready to. Not yet. My pow--I'm just not ready." There was a long pause and she could easily see her parents exchanging a heavy glance. Her parents, as much as they argue and throw things, knew each other better than most people know themselves.

"Oh. When...when do you think you can come home, for good?" Her father seemed a bit disappointed, and Ann wasn't sure why. She rubbed the insides of her eyelids and told herself to relax.

"I don't...I don't really know, a few more years. Just when my trainers decide I'm ready." Ann could tell that didn't sit well with her parents just by the sound she heard from her mother.

"That's hardly right of them to keep you up there even after you gradua--"

"Mom. Being an empath...sucks. I still can't touch anyone, and I can barely hold a conversation with more than two people. It makes sense that I have to stay longer than other people. I'm working as hard as I can, but this isn't something you can just get over. It's not their fault--it's not anyone's fault. It's just the way it is." Ann could never remember, in her life, ever getting away with raising her voice to her mother, but now both her parents were just quiet, soaking it in. Ann decided that now that she had their attention, she'd ask them the question she'd been wanting to ask.

"Why...that...when..." Ann sighed as she started to stammer. Focus, she ordered herself, but that did little to help. "How come when I moved up here, you guys didn't call me, or try to contact me. How come you just....ignored that I existed?" There. She had asked, not it was up to them to give her an answer.

"We didn--we tried--your mother cried--we hoped---it's not that we didn't--your mother and I argued--you have to understand that--"

"We love you Ann." Her mother cut off her dad before he could stammer out any more half-thoughts. "We love you very much, but we didn't even know that ....gene was in our family line. It came as such a shock to us, and after you left for that school...we..." her mother trailed off, probably looking to her husband for help.

"We didn't behave as parents should and you must know that we are sorry. We went to a councilor...we...we...tried to call your school several times, but we couldn't help but think you didn't...want to hear from us. That you kept it in your mind that we hated you from when your...when your power manifested. Then after a while, we just...didn't. Ann, we messed up as your parents and as decent human beings. I don't know if we can even ask for your forgiveness."

Ann was mad. She could easily tell that her parents still hadn't gotten over the fact that she was meta, and she could also tell they couldn't bring themselves to even say the word. They didn't call Hammel by its name, and her mother was barely even able to admit she had a power. She rubbed the bridge of her nose before she said something hasty.

"I probably won't forgive you." Ann admitted, which she almost regretted. "There isn't anything wrong with me." Her dad tried to cut her off with 'we never said' but Ann ignored it. "I bet the two of you have never called me meta, or told anyone else I am. Do you have any idea what it has been like here? I've been so alone. I used to not be able to look myself in the mirror. I was so depressed because I thought the only two people on this earth that were hardwired to love me, didn't. Do you know what that has been like? I've tried killing---" She'd never admitted that to anyone else before, but she wasn't surprised to admit it now. She wanted them to know how much of a hellhole this place was because of what her parents did. She wanted them to know.

"Ann..." The sighed coo of her mother led her to believe she was fighting back tears, Ann was a little surprised at that, because in her memory, she couldn't recount her mother actually ever crying, except the one time there was a bad car accident down the road where the child in the car seat got a broken leg and arm, the other kid in the car didn't make it. The whole neighborhood mourned for a week. "Ann, we're so sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss my daughter."

"When can you come home, Ann?" Her father asked, his voice was a bit strained as well.

"Aiden wants me to visit for Thanksgiving." She admitted, though Aiden was hard-pressed for Ann to visit her parents in that time, Ann wasn't too sure she wanted to. Not since they'd just...forgotten to contact her for four years. "He's gonna drive up here to pick me up, and stay for a few days then we'll go down there, and then he'll drive me back up." Ann had little say in the planning of that trip, Aiden insisted on it. He wanted his sister back, and he knew his grandmother would just love to have her back at her seat for Thanksgiving Dinner.

"Oh! That's great!" Her father exclaimed. "Sam and the guys have been askin' about you--nagging more-like. They miss their god-daughter." Sam and 'the guy's were her fathers marine friends, all of them had problems with steady relationships and all of them but two had girlfriends--as far as Ann knew--but all wanted kids. They all had their share in raising Ann, and teaching her how to live. 'Fuck' was used just as much as 'the' when she was a toddler, to her mother's dismay. It took a long time for her mother to break the habit before Ann went to school. She wondered vaguely if her parents had told them that she was meta. She'd put money on they didn't.

"What if we came up and got you? Or, or took you back to the school? Aiden shouldn't be missing school." Her mother seemed to be begging her, which surprised Ann.

"You'll...you'll have to talk to Aiden about that. He's the mastermind in the whole operation." Ann seemed to be detached from the conversation now. It was actually dawning on her that she'd called her parents and was actually talking to them...somewhat of how she used to. She was still crazy-mad at them, but she could ignore it now, she knew that when she came into her power it wasn't easy for anyone, especially her parents. She was being a spiteful child, now.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." Ann used the universal 'you' because she was speaking to both her parents at the same time. "I've just really been hung up on this, I thought you guys hated me and stuff. But um...I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. My roommate is knocking on the door, kayloveyoubye." Ann hung up, because she really couldn't take anymore conversation. Her emotions were rollercoasting all around the room and she was pretty sure her anger leaked into the next room, but she couldn't be too sure. She did know that her upset and worriedness had saturated the room with a dull taste. She collapsed on the bed and opened her phone and texted Aiden.

"They'll probably try to find you in the next few days." She then rolled over and took a nap.

[Ann Hudgins]

November

OK. I know I am not too experienced with the ways of the world. I know that. There are just way too many things I don't know about. Like how a TV works, or how a human body has electricity in it--I just don't know. I also don't know how some people just find it OK to just put hands on you and f---ng kiss you! OF all the goddamn things I wanted to do when being paired up with that...that....asshat, I had not imagined him constantly trying to touch me! Multiple times!

My brain jus...can't understand....it! How does he think it is OK to just do that to people?! IT's wrong and invasive, and mean, and evil and and and GOD I hate him!

[the rest of the page is illegible, but there are several angry faces scratched into the margins. At several parts on the page, the writing actually poked through to the page below.]

[Ann Hudgins]

December 2010

I told Aiden about what happened, naturally. He was pissed, naturally. But I got the vibe that he wasn't angry for the reason I had thought he had. Sure, he was mad I was violated...but I got the hint that he was also...jealous. It was weird. I don't think I have ever come across a jealous Aiden. He sometimes mentioned that he was, to people, but always as a joke. like 'oh I just got a new game for my Play Station.' 'yeah? I'm jealous.' --Aiden hated videogames. He said that sort of thing in those situations because that was what someone was expecting him to say. If he said what he actually thought...well they would think he was a dick, which he isn't.

Anyway. I decided not to mention I got that he was jealous. It wasn't exactly my place to call him out of it, I also just imagined I imagined it. Which would make more sense, really. Aiden insisted that instead of me going down for Christmas (because Thanksgiving was such a bust--not that I didn't want to see my parents (I did), but....well I barely handled the thanksgiving scene. Christmas would put me over the edge). He was going to come up and stay a few days for Christmas. I told him over and over again that he couldn't stay with me in the dorm (read: sleep on the couch) because we totally wouldn't get away with it, but he insisted that it was already arranged and that I just needed to look forward to it. I miss him already, so I am looking forward to it.

But something Zac, of all people, mentioned has been itching at my brain. He said Aiden definitely wasn't just my 'friend' or if he was, he didn't want to be. That kinda seemed true when I picked up that Aiden was jealous--but maybe just after that initial encounter, I am a bit more paranoid. If we had been talking face to face, I wouldn't have this much insecurity about it. Maybe it will just clear itself up when Aiden comes up for break. I really am looking forward to it. I think I will introduce Devin and Aiden. I mean they are both my friends--good friends. So why not? That's what you did with separate friends, right?

Well anyway, school has been good. I've met a lot more people..they all have their quirks, I suppose. Nothing too notable comes to mind---except that Zac just....well, he always wants to hang out. With me. It's weird. Just plain weird--I know in my last entry I was yelling at him and about him, but I know now that is just who he is--it's a pretty touchy-feely affectionate person and just didn't understand exactly why I didn't touch people. Ever. I just wasn't clear enough, which is OK. We are friends now. It's weird to call us that, but I suppose it is true. We just don't really have a lot in common.

Anyway. I am looking forward to the annual snow-ball wars between the hammel students. I hear it is boys against girls, which is odd to me. I hope I don't let anyone down...or hurt anyone. I know in that atmosphere I get pretty competitive. It's not my fault! I absorb it from everyone else, and I just can't help it.

~I am pleased to announce that calming people--and more than just two people- is a lot easier for me to do, now. They can be a variety of things to bored, impatient, a bit angry, and frustrated and I can all get them to be calm. I, of course, have to be perfectly in control (which...yeah.) and calm before it will work though. Ms. Vasiliev's reward cookies also seem to help my focus. She is a brilliant trainer. I really don't get where people say she is mean and evil. I just don't see it.

Bye.