though she may be but little, she is fierce (peyton)

[Olivia Baker]

Shakespeare could suck a big one. liv was so over trying to learn to decode the ancient text and really thought it was BS that this was the entirety of her extra credit. Of course, she was only trying to go up a few points, she needed a solid 5 to go from her A- to an A+ but it was those 5 points that would be the difference between hearing it from her parents for the rest of forever and being able to live peacefully. She didn't even want to go to college, her parents had sucked the fun out of the whole idea of it and she'd rather just stay up in vermont. 

Regardless, to the library she went to try and focus. SHe was having issues focusing in her dorm with her roommates around, not that they were bothering her, but rather knowing people were around doing fun things made it easy for her to get distracted. 

The third floor was her favorite, she settled into a table with a lamp in the corner, with Macbeth opened, working on his soliloquy or whatever it was called. She had three papers to write, and Macbeth was the one she was dreading the most, so best to get it out of the way.

[Peyton Turner]

Peyton was miserable. Or maybe just exhausted. As per usual these days. He'd been working his ass off these past two months, and the big Test was just a few days away now, and the anxiety was killing him. Not that he didn't know the material - he did. ....Or, he was pretty sure he did. He was in the library to verify that fact however - a place he'd been haunting for quite some time.

He kind of regretted the six days off he'd had while his family visited. It had been fun, of course. They'd gone to a winter resort and had some good ol' family bonding time. Which, for Peyton, broke into the following three parts:
1: Discussing school with his parents; 2: snowboarding with his little bro, Gonzo; and 3: awkwardly skirting around the subject of girls with his older sister Beth.

That part had been useful, even if he kinda lied about certain things to her. She was a girl, though, and gave him a bit of feedback on his comp-Liv-cations. And she'd made it clear that he better do something awesome to make up for all the time he spent working instead of being all.... whatever they were. He wasn't quite sure, after that night at the house in the woods. And he wasn't sure what he could do, either.

In any case, yes, it was nice to see his family, fun to give and get presents and go snowboarding and visit relatives, but he'd missed out on any on-campus Christmas happenings, and missed out on giving his friends gifts. Then again, he'd been so busy with the studying before his family whisked him away that he hadn't even unpacked the gifts he'd ordered, and they were still piled in their boxes in the corner of his dorm room. He should probably get to that before break was over.

And speaking of break, he needed one.

With a small groan, Peyton put his head in his arms, wondering if he had the self control to take a short nap and not just hardcore pass out for a few hours. Because the latter seemed far more likely at the moment. Sleeping was tough these past couple of days, since apparently night time made him so stuffed up he could barely breathe. Stupid not-really-a-cold.

...Yeah, he probably wouldn't be able to wake up in less than two hours if he fell asleep now.

With another groan, a little frustrated, he flopped his head backward, wishing that there was coffee or something to keep him awake. Preferably Monster. that would be good. Or Bawls. Aw man, now he was thirsty.

Opening his eyes, he glanced blearily around his chosen nook--

He blinked a few times, and leaned a little more to the left, peeking around the corner where he'd seen a flash of the familiar book bag. ...Really? She was here? Then again, she was really into school, he shouldn't be surprised, but...

Peyton wasn't sure what to do. Beth had made him think he needed to be groveling for forgiveness. But Liv hadn't seen him, so maybe he could just-

Even the thought of ignoring her twisted a painful guilt-stick in Peyton's chest. He should just go apologize. But what could he say? And wasn't she busy with homework or something? Maybe he should wait...

Before he was entirely sure what was happening, he'd gotten up from his little hidden desk and walked out around the corner, still looking pretty shlubby in his sweats and snow boots. "Um.... Hey." His voice was a little hoarse, thanks to the not-really-a-cold thing, and his eyes gave away just how little sleep he was getting. But he had to say something, right? "I was just-" he gestured over his shoulder with his thumb, weakly. "-yknow... cause it's a library." He wasn't entirely sure what he was even trying to say.

[Olivia Baker]

Liv looked up when she heard a voice and saw Peyton. Her face immediately fell and she looked back at her books. Was she being harsh? Yeah probably but was it justified? Absolutely. She wasn't cheap and he'd made her feel cheep by kissing her, telling her what she wanted to hear up at that abandoned house and then disappearing again for what.... two weeks? It wasn't like they didn't have cell phones or facebook or email or hell a goddamn card for all she cared, but no, instead he disappeared and no doubt would use some stupid excuse for how he was busy or doing extra credit which was funny because so was she.

She didn't say anything, instead she closed her book and put it into her messenger bag, slung it over her shoulder and grabbed her crutches wincing as she got up. Her leg still hurt so freaking bad from a few days ago, and she didn't have a cast, but under her skirt her entire thigh was thickly bandaged, making it impossible for her to wear her normal jeans and t-shirt uniform.

The whole crutches thing was making the dramatic exit a bit difficult. So she was forced to say something. "I Don't want to hear it Peyton. You made your point." She was a cheap idiot.

[Peyton Turner]

What had he been expecting, really? It was what he deserved, for being an ass.

But it still hurt; a jolt to the sternum sharp enough to break his bleary exhaustion, his eyebrows raising in a pained expression.

"At least let me-" he held out a hand, wanting to be of some help, a little jarred that she was on crutches. "What- what happened? Are you okay?" He'd missed so much, he hadn't even realized...

"...I'm so sorry, Liv." He wasn't sure if he was apologizing that she was on crutches, or for leaving her hanging. Both, probably.

It was times like these when he hated his ADHD. A couple years ago, a situation like this would have him frustrated as hell, probably trashing his room or picking fights with his siblings. He was hoping that his year at the Academy would change that. It should've. He should've known better. But it was so hard to balance the parts of his life. It was tough enough to get schoolwork done when he had an active social life - the opposite (keeping a social life when all he was doing was studying) was impossible.

At the Academy, things like that made sense. The kids understood that someone might drop off the earth for a couple weeks and then be back looking for the same thing they'd been up to before. But that was because it was the norm.

Peyton was doubly hurt by the sudden realization - or, really, the emphasis - that he was abnormal. That he was that freak kid again.

He held his breath to stop the laughter - a nervous tic when he felt cornered or anxious.

Maybe he should've waited. Put off the situation. Even though he knew that was the wrong move, it was still so appealing.

[Olivia Baker]

There were a lot of things LIv could say to Peyton but when she opened her mouth nothing came out, instead her eyes just flooded with tears. She was so angry and hurt and embarrassed that her whole body didnt know what to do except embarrass herself further by looking like a baby. It just made her more mad.

"Sorry because you bumped into me? Or sorry because you actually mean it/" She scoffed. She wasn't even sure she wanted an answer, she sure as hell didn't want his help. She adjusted her things and attempted to leave, again, but when her foot accidently hit the floor it shot pain through her leg. She really could use some of the painkillers the doctor had given her. Only one week left on these stupid crutches, any day now her leg should feel pretty much better too, it was only a deep cut, but the tissue was pretty damaged... stupid ice skate.

"I really don't think there's anything you can say at this point... Whatever we had was clearly a joke to you."

[Peyton Turner]

Was she-

Now Peyton was even more confused, and just felt more awful about the whole situation. His stupid brain. He couldn't get it to do what he wanted it to do. And it made him hurt people.

"Sorry because you bumped into me? Or sorry because you actually mean it?"

Her words made his throat burn, but he didn't even get a chance to defend himself - with what, he wasn't sure - before she seemed to wince, and he immediately jerked forward, in case she was going to drop something, or fall, or if she needed something or someone to hold on to... "Because I- please, just let me-" He wanted to help her, to apologize and to make her feel better, both emotionally and physically cause she looked like she was having a hard time with whatever injury she'd sustained, but she wasn't having it.

"I really don't think there's anything you can say at this point... Whatever we had was clearly a joke to you."

Peyton's hands flew to his face to grasp his temples painfully, rubbing over his sore eyes. How could he even begin to explain? How could he ever make this right?

"Liv, I-" he cut off as he remembered, suddenly, that they were in a library, and he lowered his voice down to an emphatic whisper; "I can't even- I know it sounds bad to blame it-" Ugh, he used that song reference as a joke so much, it almost disgusted him to use it seriously. Even if he did want to blame it on his ADHD. "I really- it's all about executive function and getting yourself to do things, and I'm just not..." He shook his head, eyes pleading, unable to make his words cooperate.

"I don't think it's a joke. And if it is, it's a cruel joke the world is playing on me by- by fucking up my head like this." When he was told that ADHD raised the likelihood of depression and anxiety, he hadn't really believed it, but this situation was drawing it out of him, and it was all because of his stupid head.

As though attempting to punish it somehow, he shook it vigorously. "What I mean to say - I really like you, Liv. I still really like you. But I just - I couldn't break away from one thing to do another and- what I mean-" He kinda wanted to slap some sense into his tongue right now and get it to say the right thing. "I have a one track mind. I can't focus on all these things at the same time, and I've been so focused on this stupid test... three more days. Three days until the test is over and I go back to my normal schedule, and hopefully stop obsessing over school."

[Olivia Baker]

The more he talked the madder she became. Was he really making excises and making himself the victim here? Really? REALLY? He couldn't just take responsibility and say he was sorry without a poor Peyton speech? She was amazed. He was really something else and she quite frankly wasn't even sure what to make of this apology considering he'd apologized for the same exact damn thing several weeks ago.

"It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to send a damn text or even a generic Merry Christmas." She spat out at him as he continued to then explain how he could only focus on one thing at a time. Clearly, she didn't make it to the front of the list. She didn't care if he was busy, she didn't care if he wasn't around much or if he had to deal with his own issues and it was hard. What she cared about was how he was using it as a pass to be able to hurt her and she quite frankly didn't believe his apology for a second. If he meant it he would have found her on purpose, not this.

Others in the library had caught onto their tension and Liv was on the verge of a glitch any moment. She had half the mind to freeze time for everyone else so she could make a quick exit, or freeze Peyton and give him a swift kick to the balls, but given the meds she was on knew better than to mix the two.

[Peyton Turner]

"It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to send a damn text or even a generic Merry Christmas."

She was right, of course. Of course she was right. She seemed to be right about most things. Who wasn't right was Beth, who'd given him this ridiculous need to explain himself. He should've just waited, let it pass, and come up with some way of apologizing that didn't make them both feel like crap. But the idea of sitting in the corner like a creeper, watching her struggle with the crutches and not offering to help... he would've felt awful either way.

It was probably useless at this point, but he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and tossed it on the table. "I haven't sent a text in about a month and half. Or picked up my phone." He cut himself off before he could utter those dreaded words 'it's not you, it's me,' even if the sentiment was true. Any words that came into his head didn't feel right. He didn't want to tell her that she wasn't the only one who he hadn't talked to, cause he didn't want to say anything along the lines of 'you're not special.' Because she was special.

She was the first girl who had ever given him something to hold on to, the first one that he felt some sort of vulnerability with. She was the first girl he'd crushed on who had given him a glimmer of hope that she might be return his... Geez, was he really being so melodramatic? Thinking about feelings and broken hearts... He was such a teenager. This wasn't a big deal, he was 16, everything seemed more dramatic than it had to be, all things would pass, he would be fine. ...But he was finding it hard to believe his own attempts at persuasion. Mostly because it hurt. A lot.

It wasn't just that she wasn't interested - he'd had girls that brushed his feelings aside (though none that he'd had the balls to actually tell his feelings to in the first place, the way he'd told Liv), and he could handle that. It hurt, sure, but he'd recover. It was the thought that she didn't trust him - that she hated him, that she never wanted to see him again... Especially after he'd been so honest, to have her think he was being anything other than totally truthful...

His frustration and anxious vigor to explain himself gave way to a wave of pure aching. Like his bones suddenly remembered they were full of lead, his skin packed in with wet sand, his chest stuck between an ice pack and a stove top, and he'd just woke up the day after running a marathon. Solid unyielding aching.

For the first time in a long time, a new pheromone budded in his head. If it could be called budding. It was more like it wrenched itself out of the walls of his skull. And he couldn't even assign a solid color to it - it was just like dead roots, grey and knotted and morbid, shot through with a fiery orange like lava beneath the cracks of a volcano. He hated it. He wished he'd never gotten it. He wanted to bury it away so he'd never have to see it again. He was terrified that it would spawn more.

He had to get his mind off of his power, but real life didn't seem too appealing either. His eyes were downcast, dead, his whole body deflated and aching. "...I guess there's nothing more I can say. I'm sorry."

[Olivia Baker]

Everything inside of Liv felt uncomfortable, she for once, really didn't have a clue how she felt or how to react to what was going on. She didn't want to exile Peyton, she wanted to be friends with him... and then some, but she also couldn't stand the fact that he'd abandoned her twice and made her feel so damn cheap. "I guess there isn't anything else to say..." She responded, her eyes on the ground.

"I wish I could say it's ok... and that I forgive you and that i don't care but you hurt me Peyton... Clearly... you didn't mean to by everything you're saying but you did... and I know you're sorry... and I see that you're sorry..." She sighed "But in a friend i need someone who's there for me... in... a... whatever direction I thought we were going," She didn't want to say boyfriend since he definitely wasn't that but they had left on unstable ground as far as labels went "I need someone who's going to be there for me and at least be available for me when i need them... I'm not someone who will just sit on the sidelines waiting to be convenient... that isn't fair." Her voice had stayed level the entire time, her eyes only glancing up to meet his twice... looking at him was too hard and she could see how uncomfortable he was.

"I don't know where this leaves us..." She sighed heavily. "I guess we both have some things to think about." The librarian strained her neck to look over at the two and gave them a reluctant shush. It was clear to every spectator that this conversation wasn't a good one and she really wished it hadn't happened so publicly.

[Peyton Turner]

"I wish I could say it's ok... and that I forgive you and that i don't care but you hurt me Peyton... Clearly... you didn't mean to by everything you're saying but you did... and I know you're sorry... and I see that you're sorry..."

For a moment something twitched in Peyton's chest - some small flutter of hope that she really would forgive him, even though she was telling him the exact opposite.

"But in a friend i need someone who's there for me... in... a... whatever direction I thought we were going... I need someone who's going to be there for me and at least be available for me when i need them... I'm not someone who will just sit on the sidelines waiting to be convenient... that isn't fair."

Oh. Of course. He wasn't... She shouldn't have to deal with his... issues. She was right, that wasn't fair for her. But at least she wasn't as angry. And once she'd recognized that he was being truthful, the ache started to subside, draining out of him and leaving him... hollow. A numb, empty shell that kept him calm, burying his anxiety under blankets of white noise.

He was vaguely aware of another odd seed appearing to him as he felt the calm blankness setting in: like a light. A sterile, white light, that felt antiseptic and inoffensive... very medical, almost anesthetic. This, he realized even as he experienced it himself, must be that manufactured numbness. But he couldn't even bring himself to be alarmed by it, or by the fact that she'd managed to induce two new pheromones in less than ten minutes. Part of him just sort of pointed and said 'huh.'

Luckily, her words trickled through the cottony cocoon, pooling inside of him and beginning to eat away at his consciousness.

"I don't know where this leaves us..."

Us. That was the two of them.

...Was that a good sign, then? That she was wondering? Or was she wondering?

"I guess we both have some things to think about."

The librarian's hushing didn't even register, as Peyton tried to bring his focus back, trying to sharpen up his dulled senses, surfacing from the mist. "Yeah... I guess we do."

He had a hard time believing he'd be able to think of anything else.