It Isn't Easy Being Clean (Josh)

[Damien Tremblay]

To say that Damien had been irritable lately... was putting it mildly.

He wasn’t taking to quitting smoking well.

... That was also putting it mildly.

So far, Josef was the only one that knew about his attempt to quit. Not even his parents or sister knew. That way, if (and when) he failed, he’d really only be disappointing Josef. ... Which still didn’t sound good, but it was better than getting everyone else’s hopes up along with his boyfriend’s. But he was trying. Really, he was.

He’d vaguely remembered the fun and games that came along with quitting from the last time he’d tried this. Despite being armed with nicotine gum (that he was going through like water), it might have been helping to curb his cravings, but it was doing nothing to help anything else. He was irritated with just about everyone he came across, yet trying very, very hard not to show it. He was also tired, because no matter what he seemed to do, nothing was letting him sleep well.

His concentration was also shot, which was making researching cases for Josh painfully slow. Normally he was fast, unless he hit a snag, but the past week? He’d been moving at a snail’s pace, annoyed with websites and textbooks alike, and annoyed with himself because he wasn’t doing his job well.

Josef had already been bombarded with multiple texts during the morning, as he’d promised to text or call every single time he was feeling bad, whether from a craving or just because he felt like it. The case he was currently looking into for Josh was hitting dead end after dead end and he really, really wanted a stress relief.

And if a stress ball was suggested one more time, he was going to throw something.

This was all so stupid to him. He hadn’t been a hugely habitual smoker. It was his go-to habit when he was feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Why it was being so hard on him now was beyond him, but he wasn’t happy about it.

Throwing his hands behind his head, he leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the stupid four ‘D’s’. He didn’t want to drink any more water, he didn’t want to take deep breaths, he was already delaying as much as he could... that left doing something else.

Sighing, he pulled himself out of his chair and wandered into the staff room. Coffee would help with the tired feelings, hopefully, and maybe a sugar boost would help his mood. He was willing to try anything.

[Joshua Bernstein]

2014 had so far been an exhausting year, and it was only bound to become more tiring as it went on: Campaigning required a great deal of time and effort in addition to the time and effort spent on all of his normal activities.

Unfortunately, work had recently seen a decrease in efficiency, and for once it wasn't his own penchant for distraction, or an unruly intern. Damien had been remarkably slow with his work, which meant that in order to have all of his research and paperwork done in time for trials the attorney had been forced to pick up a great deal more slack than he'd had to do in decades.

He'd spent roughly an hour wrestling with sending out belated emails to clients and requesting transcripts from stenographers, and then fled, exhausted, to the staff room for coffee.

And then the machine was broken. He snarled at it, beating ineffectually at the top, but no coffee was forthcoming. He almost didn't notice when his law clerk wandered into the break room behind him.

"Oh!" He jerked away from the errant machinery as he realized he was no longer alone. "Damien!"

The law clerk looked as frazzled as Josh felt; really, Damien had seemed rather off lately, and not just because he was falling behind on his work. Josh hadn't yet had a moment to ask him about it, and he wasn't really sure what the proper segue to that would be.

"How are you? The coffee machine is broken, I was thinking of heading over to Starbucks."

An invitation to join him was implicit in that statement.

[Damien Tremblay]

This was quite possibly the worst time in the world to be trying something like this. Josh needed him to keep up his load so that the attorney could focus on more important things. Like actually defending people, and working on his campaign.

Yeah, worst timing ever on his part. He hadn't exactly been thinking about his job when he had first agreed to try to quit. In hindsight, perhaps he should have. Still, Josh had managed things without going homicidal or anything. Maybe he had some secret coping tool. ... Not that Damien would ask for it, because then Josh would know.

Support groups were supposed to be helpful. Healthy. Sadly, Damien still had his head stuck firmly in the sand over that one. For him, the more people he let in, the more stressed he'd be over thoughts of disappointing them.

It spoke to just how out of it he was when he jumped at Josh's exclamation. A look of real guilt crossed his face, and he jammed his hands in his pockets. With how behind he was, he should have locked himself in his office and put in overtime. Instead, he had just been caught slacking off by the very person he was currently feeling like he was royally letting down.

Pretend things were okay. What was that thing Melissa kept quoting at him? Right. Conceal, don't feel. ... What did that even mean? Stupid Disney logic.

Josh was probably expecting an actual answer.

"Uhh... I'm okay. You?" This was hard. "Apart from attempted murder on the coffee maker, of course." Had someone asked him to call for repairs on it? Was that Niko's domain?

God, he was like a kid with ADD. Focus.

The offer surprised him, though the surprise gave way to a certain sense of wariness. He liked to think that he and Josh were friends, but they were also colleagues. Josh was also his boss, and with his current performance, he wouldn't be all that happy with himself. Maybe it was better to hang back.

Even if the biggest, most caffeinated, watered down with enough sugar to turn an elephant diabetic drink sounded amazing about now.

"I would, but I should probably barricade myself in the office and try to get some groundwork done for your cases." Oh God, he'd just roundabout admitted to doing poorly in the office lately. This wasn't going well.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Damien had always been more reclusive than the attorneys he worked for, liable to holing up in his office rather than socialize. However, that had at least in part been due to Janice's penchant for teasing. Now that she had moved on to greener pastures the law clerk ought to be feeling more friendly.

Weren't they friends? He'd been friends with Josef before this relationship, as well, and so he thought now there should be even more familiarity.

"Are you sure? You look like you could use a break."

[Damien Tremblay]

By nature Damien was more reclusive than any of the people he'd ever worked with. Granted, that really wasn't difficult when he worked for Josh and Janice at the same time. Still, with Janice gone now the office was somewhat quieter. He... really didn't think he would have been able to do what he was attempting to do with Janice around. For one, she was a heavy smoker, and for two, he wasn't sure how she'd react.

Still. Things were kind of nice without the daily risk of teasing. Even if the rest of his current existence was kind of... crap right now.

If it wasn't for the almost crushing concern that Josh wanted to use a coffee field trip as an excuse to ream him out for his poor performance, he would have agreed instantly. But Josh also looked sort of concerned and...

Yeah, there was probably no avoiding it. He might as well be thoroughly sugared up if he was going to be in trouble. "... Well, I can't argue that. Okay, I'll go with you." He'd just have to chain himself to his desk when they got back and force himself to try harder.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's face lit up when Damien agreed to go. Whatever problem his law clerk had, maybe it wasn't some interpersonal issue that the younger man had with his employer.

Then a thought hit Josh like a freight train. What if he was only agreeing to go because he felt obligated? The attorney certainly knew what it was to agree to activities because of external pressures rather than of his own volition, but he had thought his relationship with the other people in his office was positive enough that Damien wouldn't go just because his boss was inviting him...

He mentally shook off that thought, gesturing for Damien to follow him. "you don't mind walking, do you? I could call Mr. Cook and see if his cab is available..."

[Damien Tremblay]

Oh, why did Josh have to look so... happy when he agreed? It made it even harder to not feel about dragging his heels on his work. Josh was so nice all the time, and to be letting him down like this was downright distressing. Still, apparently he wasn't too upset with him, if he was still inviting him out for coffee. ... Or he was going to give him heck outside of the office, away from Niko. That was also possible, and that was scary.

Still, he was willing to go with Josh, regardless. If he got in trouble, he deserved it.

"No, we can walk." The air and exercise might bother his stupid cough more, but he could deal with that. "Let me just grab my stuff." He disappeared back to his office, bookmarking the open tabs on his computer just in case, then grabbed his wallet and wandered back out into the reception area to meet Josh. "So, how's Sean doing?" Hey, he could try to keep Josh's attention off of him, couldn't he?

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh inhaled deeply as they stepped out of the office, taking in the clear Vermont air. Even here in the heart of Pilot Ridge the air was fresher than the stale, polluted haze that laid over Manhattan. Even strict laws about where and when one was allowed to smoke, and environmental regulations couldn't change the fact that New York City was a city.

"Sean's doing well."

Josh never could pass up the opportunity to discuss his partner, even after all these decades.

"His birthday is coming up."

[Damien Tremblay]

Clean air was something Damien was used to growing up, but once he'd started working in Vancouver, he'd learned the joys of big city pollution. It had made him long for the cleaner environment of Saltspring Island. Now he was in Vermont, that longing had been fulfilled, but it felt like it was now working against him. Much as he tried, as he breathed in the air seemed to irritate his throat and he gave way to a small coughing fit. Sigh. This was never going to end, was it?

At least he had the distraction of Josh. And he knew how to keep the older man distracted. "That's good he's doing well." And he meant it. He liked Sean, even though he remembered him from Hammel. Thankfully, he hadn't ended up in his office for anything during his years at the meta school. Given his job, his boss, and his social circle (now expanded thanks to Josef), it could have made things awkward. "Do you have any idea what you're going to do for his birthday yet?"

[Joshua Bernstein]

Unfortunately, Damien was correct in his assessment that Josh was easily distracted by thoughts of Sean. And so before the attorney could do more than frown in concern over his coworker's coughing fit his mind was redirected to his favorite topic.

"We haven't entirely decided yet. I thought maybe we could do the cheese trail."

He paused at the end of the sidewalk, waiting for the light to change so that he and Damien could cross.

"Or perhaps a wine tasting. Which do you think would be better?"

[Damien Tremblay]

Success! Now if only Damien could keep Josh at this level of distraction, he would be in business. As long as he kept the topics safely around Sean, it seemed like he had a chance.

As they paused by the light, the law clerk thought about the options presented. Either were viable options, especially for a birthday. "Well, you can never really go wrong with a wine tasting," he offered. Though that was mostly because he had his own preferences when it came to alcohol, and wine was always at the top of the list. "Have you gotten him a gift yet?"

Really, this was almost too easy. Thanks, Josh.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Now that's a secret!" Josh laughed in reply. His gifts to Sean were not always safe for discussion, not because he thought Damien would judge him, but because sometimes the nature of his presents were...intimate. He wasn't entirely comfortable discussing those aspects of his life with anyone, but even so he felt that not everyone needed to know anyway.

The light finally changed, showing a little pedestrian as a signal that they could cross the street.

"Speaking of significant others, how are you and Josef? I haven't seen him around much lately."

[Damien Tremblay]

Despite his recent moodiness, Damien had to smile at Josh's answer. Good secrets seemed so rare these days. He couldn't blame the older man for wanting to keep at least one to himself. "I'll just asume it's fantastic, and that he'll love it, then." It was a little like last year's Christmas present for Josef. He couldn't tell anyone about the puppy because they had too many friends in the same circle, and he'd wanted to maintain complete secrecy. Thankfully, it had worked. And Josef had loved the puppy, even if he'd given him a terrible name.

And apparently Josh was distracted no more. As they headed across the street, Damien scrambled for an answer that wasn't incriminating. "Things are good, yeah. He's been... busy. With the clinic." Yes. That was plausible. They weren't butting heads over certain bad habits, nope.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Ahh." Josh murmured in sympathy as they crossed the street. "That's always difficult."

Soon enough he expected to put Sean in the same situation that Damien was in, once the campaign season was in full swing.

"Are you holding up? if you're lonely Sean and I never mind having a visitor over."

[Damien Tremblay]

Really, Damien was just casting the blame off on Josef. It wasn't exactly a well kept secret between the two of them that Josef's time spent at the clinic was directly linked to Damien's mood lately. Sigh. "It's okay." Really. It was. And it would get better. ... He hoped.

Josh's offer was nice, but... Damien really didn't think he was good company for anyone. He especially didn't want to wind up in a spectacularly bad mood when he was supposed to be over visiting. Until this was over, perhaps he was best left on his own. "Thanks, Josh. That's really nice. I just..." His hands jammed into his pockets a little harder than he meant to, fidgeting for a lighter that wasn't there. "I doubt I'd make the best company at the moment." Surely Josh had noticed his behaviour lately, right?