Antosha's Little Black Book

[Antosha Vikenti]

January 3rd, 2014.

A Birthday Gift?

I suppose my sister thought this would be helpful to take with me to Pilot Ridge. She gives me one every year, without fail. Reasons always changing. From "getting over your break up" to "moving to our old home". I think she just gets tired of hearing my thoughts and wants me to write them down in hopes they will get silenced.

This year I think I will put this journal to use. Write down the things I'm not willing to talk about to her. Or to anyone. Stupid things. Trivial things. Things of no consequence.

Things like this move to Pilot Ridge. I have already purchased my home -and I should remember to send Uncle yet another thank you for the trust fund even though I was not yet his son- and I already have transferred over to the University of Vermont. I think I am supposed to be over joyed at the idea of going home. But...

How could I tell everyone who has helped me this far that I am scared? I, the near seven foot giant with more ink than skin, am afraid.

Things are changing too fast. I cannot begin to imagine what life is going to have in store. How it will feel to walk where memories are held. I remember the boy I was and cringe, but now when I look in the mirror I am unsure what I see. College was supposed to be time to "find yourself" but I think I am as lost as when I started.

But maybe I am over dramatizing.. Too many nights spent up late trying to read the trash of books my sister keeps hidden under her bed. Too much drama and utterly disgusting romance (whats worse is I have yet to find one I would enjoy) has begun spilling into my dreams..

This is enough for now, I think. It satisfies the urge to write on the crisp white sheets. Now I go to find a way to get a week of packing done in a night. Then to repeat it again before the sixth (only in reverse).

Next time, I promise, I won't drink as much on my birthday. Two day hangovers are much, even for me.

-Panthera onca

[Antosha Vikenti]

April 8th, 2014.

First Day Revelations

Should anyone find this book, I've decided to take precautions. I will avoid naming those involved with any one particular story. Or any story. I think it is best this way. Obviously the names of places won't be censored as that would require me coming up with fictional places. Or worse just generalizing to "home town", "the school", "the university". Besides I have already written my first entry to include such things. No sense in going back now.

With that said I'm just going to get down to business.

Today would be my first day at Hammel. Well. It was my first day at Hammel. At least as a semi-teacher. I have already came and went from there as a student. Not something I want to repeat.

Let me inform you that this, this was a day I might have been able to be persuaded to join a religion. For I am sure that some divine being had been there. I can think of no other explanation for the overwhelming awe I had been feeling when I saw the brick wall for the first time since graduation.

It was also the first time I think I might have realized I really was suited for my job. Being around those without powers gave me no pleasure. But now I know what it is like to be surrounded once more by the safety insanity complicated cloud that floated only around areas of high meta concentration. It is to help me thrive, I think. So I can help other children in turn. I am excited to begin teaching for real, now.

I think it would be safe to admit (at least here) I have been keeping track of how many days... months... there will be before I can teach my own classroom. I'm thinking I will try to create a photography club. I know I used to be apart of the Newspaper to take pictures, back when it was decent. I think if the old English professor saw it now he would cringe.

But I did have something positive happen that day. I saw an old... Well I wouldn't call him a mentor or a role model -even I will never match his ability to induce terror- but someone I respected. He was as tall as I remembered. I think maybe even more. He looked healthy and more importantly he looked happy. I'll have to talk to him more to find how his life is going. We spent far too much time talking about me and my family.

And the porcupine.

This is far enough tonight. I'll write more again when something interesting happens.

-Panthera onca

[Antosha Vikenti]

May 7th, 2014.

------------

One should not make life decisions at a bar.
If anyone finds and reads this, please know this is the most important things I could teach.
I'm writing this -maybe a little drunk- too remind me when I wake up. I hop I don't remember my decision.
I fear I may.
Saw old friend.
He was cute.

-Panthera onca

[Antosha Vikenti]

May 16th, 2014.

Drunken Mouths, Sober Minds?
Children

I've thought on my earlier decision and I don't see why it wouldn't be a good one. Yes, I made the decision at a bar... In the middle of the night... And formalized it on my way home after having had not just one drink. But I think what is done is done.

I want to be a father.

This is not to say I want to produce a child with a woman. Though.. The idea is not completely out of the picture. I just would not want to participate. I've read that there are alternative ways than the natural method. Artificial insemination. This tends to be followed by some pun about a turkey baster but as I don't cook I don't think I understand the reference.

But this is looking like my best option. Unless I were to adopt, but who would trust a broken child to someone who looks like myself? To be blunt I would much rather adopt. Skip past the sleepless nights with babies, the constant fussing of toddlers. The soft bundles of skin that are fragile enough they even have that blasted spot on their heads that could kill them. Yes, adopting would be a much better option.

I think I would want a son. Or a daughter. Either one would do, to be honest. But someone to come home to. To love unconditionally. To nurture. To help and protect. Yes, I am aware children are work. So much work.

This does not make me want one any less. It might even make me want one more. The idea of having that sort of commitment outside of a romance? Maybe it would fill something that I am unaware is empty.

Now isn't the time, though. I couldn't have a child now even if I wanted. No formal job, still in college. They might even turn me away at the door when they see I drive a hearse.

May be one day. When life has settled I can have a child.

Until then I think I will learn to be content helping children that aren't mine. Hopefully it will work- and work soon. I have a tutoring session in a little over an hour, which I did sign up for once the hangover had worn off. His name is... Well I cannot include it as per my original rule. But he seems like he'd be a fairly easy enough kid to help. Even if he wants my help in English.

Maybe I will make my sister proud? Long journal entries, helping a child in English. All things she would do. I think tonight I will have a drink just to ensure I don't grow breasts.

That would be a nightmare.

-Panthera onca

[Antosha Vikenti]

May 23rd, 2014.

Silver Fox Tails

It is too early for this. Waking up is a pain. But hunger has woken me and since I have no death wish I will write in the journal instead of cooking. Maybe the stray will come by and bring me donuts again.

Though I don't think I would want someone to see me in my current state.

They may ask too many questions. The most obvious one being why was a silver haired fox in my bed. Which, even I couldn't explain. Except for the fact it wasn't the fox's first time in bed with me. Which isn't an actual explanation but I would like to pretend it would work. I'll be happy in the fact the prior time didn't occur in my bed.

That doesn't sound any better, now that I have written it. But once again I will practice this "ignorance is bliss".

The real reason I am here, writing in this book for the third time (second since I won't count the half asleep, half assed entry on the 7th) in a single month, is I came to another decision. This one, unlike to my decision on the whole front of I want to be a father, was not aided by alcohol. Though I was half exhausted when it came about.

The decision? I have decided to swear off the whole one night stand relationship. Things like what has occurred with the silver fox no longer appeal to me, despite how I may have led him back to my home. I want something more... Substantial. A real relationship would be preferable, but I think even friends with benefits will work. Anything to avoid the fallout of sleeping with someone only to never see them again.

Though this said- the silver fox is what I would consider a friend. Though I think I know next to nothing in regards to the other's personal life. Maybe this chance encounter will lead into something we did not have before. Not that I think he would ever become a partner. No. The fox would never be one to settle down. It is a wild thing's nature to remain free. But true friends might not be so bad. Perhaps we could have a drink that resulted in clothes remaining on?

In any situation, though, the fox is a welcome relief to my static life. While monogogamy in a relationship is what I prefer, it isn't something I particularly enjoy in the rest of my life. Nor do I like the silence that has been surrounding my house. That will be surrounding my house, once the fox wakes. I am not delusional to think he would wake only to stay. Still... Perhaps I can persuade the fox to make me breakfast before he leaves. To avoid the inevitable. And also to get fed. I really am hungry.

I think this is enough for an early morning rambling. Now I think I will slip out of the bed and clean my car before I wake the fox. He'll need me to drive him back to his bike, I'm sure. Yes! I will use that. He will make me food in exchange for a ride.

I feel only a little bad for wanting to wake the fox, so I have decided to take a picture. This way it will preserve the peace.

-Panthera onca

((Attached to the corner of the page with tape and super glue))