Full Circle [Kodi]

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Backdated to September 20th

Gryphon made his way to the overlook over Pilot Ridge, hopping off the bus and strolling up the the area. That might have made him seem normal, but internally, everything was still stewing, his mind was still whirring. He wished it would stop, for five minutes, and hour, or indefinitely, but oddly enough, he didn't have all that much contol over his thoughts.

The winged meta supposed this was Kodi calling him out to relax for a bit again. Maybe not get him to talk, like last time, but try to take his mind off of this - this was the assumption he was hoping for the most. If nothing else, he didn't want to do anything too important.

Once he got to the right area, Gryph found a tree and leaned up against it, looking down and fiddling with his hands. There wasn't really anyone else around, which he was glad of. He slid down the trunk, his knees tucked up to his chest, picking a leaf off the ground and examining it with his sharp eyes, that took in the detail for no reason. Really, it was just to distract himself while he waited.

[Deleted]

Kodi... Hoped... He was doing the right thing.

It was only because of that hope that he was forcing himself to do this in the first place. Even as he walked with heavy steps through the gravel leading up to the overlook, his movements felt stiff, robotic, as he wracked his brain on how he was going to do this.

He had to, he told himself. No matter how much it was breaking him apart to do this, it would... It would be what was best for Gryph. After the last couple of things that had happened recently - with Gryph dumping all of his worries on Kodi, the dentokinetic being one of those worries, and then his whole explosion at that British chick - Kodi just... Felt sick. Responsible for all the stress that his lover was having.

And... The more he stewed on it... The more he realized....

He needed to stop thinking about it now. Kodi had made his decision - he just.... Had to go through with it.

He shuffled around the area until he caught sight of the older boy by a tree. Kodi's heart initially lifted like it always did when he saw the person he loved, but then it dropped like a rock and settled somewhere deep in his churning, anxious stomach. He took a deep breath before walking over and standing next to Gryph, unable to hide his worried expression.

"Hey, Gryphon," he mumbled, his voice low and a little scratchy. Kodi cleared his throat and looked out over the city. ".... Thanks for comin' up here." He realized how formal he was being, and wondered if it would set off any triggers in the winged boy.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon definitely didn't blame Kodi for his stress. True, he was one of the people/things that increased it from time to time, but that almost couldn't be helped. He didn't have the same thoughts as the other both and if he had known about them, he would have tried to do something, anything about them.

Gryph's worries weren't Kodi's fault (or concern by the winged boy's logic)

The incident with George was unfortunate, but she was the one in the wrong. Her provocation was the only reason Kodi got in the state he did.

Even though these things stressed him out, he would not blame them on anyone else.

He spotted his lover and smiled slightly, confused by his manner. He didn't seem... quite right... another thing for Gryph to be concerned about. He didn't ask though. Well, not until he spoke like he was a teacher in a parent-teacher meeting. The avian boy glanced up at Kodi in confusion, "Of course, why wouldn't I....?" He kept eyeing him up suspiciously, and with good reason.

Something was wrong. "What.... what's up? You don't sound right." That was one way of putting it.

[Deleted]

Even if Gryph hadn't meant to make Kodi feel like it was mostly his fault... Kodi had warped it to mean that anyway. Because that's all he was, for anyone - a problem that was just waiting to explode and infect everyone around him, no matter how hard he tried not to. And those he was closest to were going to be hurt the most.

That's why... Kodi needed to...

He swallowed hard and kept his eyes averted from Gryph's face. It had to be blatantly obvious that something was wrong, but Kodi couldn't force the will to act otherwise. And... He shouldn't, really, because this had to come out eventually...

"I... Yeah, I don't know, that was a stupid thing t'say," he mumbled, scuffing his shoe on the ground. The dentokinetic could feel the older boy's gaze on him, but Kodi still didn't meet it, instead staring at something apparently interesting on the ground.

When Gryphon spoke again, Kodi's stomach churned again. Of course he was being obvious. "Um, well..." He sighed and finally looked up, though his gaze was still cast slightly to the side. "I... I need t'talk t'you about... Somethin'," he uttered vaguely. "A-and... I'm not sure how I'm...." He took a shaky breath in. "Fuck, I just....

"I just can't do this anymore."

He couldn't pretend he deserved Gryph. Couldn't pretend not knowing he'd be better with someone else, someone... Better.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

The winged boy didn't care about personally getting hurt, so long as Kodi was alright - a dangerous, destructive theory to have, but it was what he went by. Besides, in honesty, half of the stuff Kodi coped with a lot of people wouldn't even come into contact with throughout their lives. So the guy needed the support - and because Gryph was he way he was, he definitely didn't see that as a burden.

This was scaring him, though. He was completely clueless as to the decision made by his boyfriend, and the way he was acting... it almost hurt with how obvious it was. He stuttered and stumbled through his words, and Gryphon just kept looking at him. Talk about something. Not sure. What was this about...?

...oh.

....

Gryph... wasn't sure if he had interpreted those words correctly. "Can't.... can't do what?" He was afraid to have the clarification. Because his heart felt like had already dropped fifteen stories, and now it was just a case of whether it would hit the ground or not.

[Deleted]

Kodi's heart was hammering now, after those words. His chest physically ached, like someone had reached inside him and twisted things up until nothing was in the right place anymore. But he'd said it.

He just... Hadn't clarified... What he meant...

"I... I can't..." Kodi already felt the familiar pressure growing behind his eyes, and he screwed them shut as he smothered his palms against his face. Fuck, why was this so hard!? It was what Gryph needed! He was helping the older boy, he would... He would be better in the long run...

"I... Can't... See you.... Anymore," he whispered out. He didn't dare look out to see the expression on Gryphon's face, because Kodi knew it would break him more than he was already. "I-I can't.... I'm too..." How could he have such a large vocabulary, and yet be completely clueless on how to explain his emotions? "It's f-for the best... For you..." It was obvious that this was incredibly painful for the younger boy to be saying. His voice ached with pain, his posture was hunched, and his face still hidden by his trembling hands. "And don't say it's n-not, 'cause it is. I-I've been thinkin' about this f-for a while, a-and I... I've made my decision."

His chest heaved as he took in another painful breath. "P-please don't make this h-harder than it is already..."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph listened to Kodi's fragmented speech with the burning hope that he was terribly wrong. His own heart thudded against his ribcage like it was trying to escape, which, really, it was. It didn't want to be there, he didn't want to be there, he didn't want this to be happiness.

But...

His face fell and he wanted to look away, but he couldn't. His eyes jus remained locked on Kodi. Maybe this was a weird dream. He would wake up and hate it in a minute, but he was sleeping. Please say he was asleep.

Because this wasn't the best thing, right now. Over anything else, right now, he needed support, and help. The last thing he needed was people... deserting him. He wanted to ask if he had done something wrong, but he didn't get the feeling that that was the case.

He had questions, a whole lot of questions, but his words just didn't want to come out. And Kodi asked, don't make this harder. So, even though his heart was aching, and his eyes were threatening spill tears, he just curled up a bit more, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his head on them, breathing deeply, "...okay." His voice broke just through that one word. He didn't know what else to say.

Was it... was this actually.... over?

It... it couldn't be.

[Deleted]

Okay. No... No, why wasn't Gryphon arguing? Why wasn't he demanding that Kodi take everything back and not accept what the dentokinetic was saying? Why did he have to be like that? No matter what Kodi had said, and what he thought should be done, he... He... Wanted... Gryphon to refuse. Because then he would just break down and tell Gryph to forget it and that it was just a stupid joke or something...

But Gryph didn't. Because Kodi had asked him not to.

His hands slowly slid away from his face, which was now vacant of expression. Kodi's eyes were red, though. "O...kay..." he breathed back, unsure of what else to say. What... What else could be said? That he loved Gryph? Of course he did, that's why he was doing this in the first place, but it felt wrong to say that now.

He swallowed hard again. "... You'll find someone good..." he murmured. "Not just good for you, but... Good." Because no matter how right they had felt together before, Kodi knew it was unfair for him to drag Gryph down with him whenever he had a setback.

As for Kodi... He wasn't sure what he was going to do. He slowly turned away from the winged boy, hiding the tears that were silently streaking down his face. ".... Good luck at college," he croaked, stifling any loving words that he wanted to say. "And... Goodbye."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon wanted to refuse. He wanted to jump up and hold Kodi close until he stopped crying, and then try talking some sense into him. He wanted to get upset, and cry. He wanted to get angry, and frustrated. But... he just felt nothing. He didn't want to accept it... maybe his emotions were disagreeing too. Besides... this was clearly hard for Kodi. He didn't accept his reasonings, but... he couldn't go against the dentokinetic's wishes. Not even to just help himself.

Find someone good? He had.... or had had someone good. Maybe not in the conventional sense, but Kodi was good to him, and he was good as a person, even if his high emotions and personality let him down sometimes. Their relationship was fine - how could he expect him to just... find someone new after something like this? Didn't he realise that he was just adding to the scars now?

And then he began to leave. Gryphon shivered, and nodded ever so slightly at his words. He couldn't accept this, he couldn't... "I love you." He said, suddenly a lot more worried about crying. "And.... and I-I'm gonna miss you." He looked up at the dentokinetic's back and... well, he didn't know what he was hoping for. It felt too late to take it back now. Maybe he just wanted it returned.

He just wanted to know that it hadn't been a lie. Because however it was worded, in whatever setting, he was just being dropped again.

[Deleted]

No.... Gryph could find someone better, Kodi was sure of it. Hell, even Phoenix probably would have been better for him, with their friendship and how passive and loving both of them were. It wasn't the first time Kodi had thought about it, but... But now, he didn't think like that with jealousy, but guilt. Guilt that he'd stolen Gryph's chances to be with someone more supportive.

He knew this would... Hurt... Before it got better. But he was convinced Gryph would be happier once the pain was over and he realized how bad it had been to be with Kodi in the first place.

Kodi froze at his words. It felt like his heart had seized up and a stone had lodged in his throat, making it hard to breathe, let along talk. He struggled in place for several moments before uttering,"Me... Too."

He couldn't say anything else. He hoped Gryph could tell what he really wanted to say from those two words, but Kodi knew if he stayed around any longer, his willpower was going to crumble. So without another word, he suddenly started walking again, then jogged, and before too much longer he was in a full-out sprint through the woods as he tried to outrun his heartache, to get away from the horrible pain inside him that blurred his vision with tears.

Kodi didn't know how far he went until he eventually collapsed against a rotted out tree. He curled up against it and buried his face against his knees, sobbing so hard that his body wracked with each one.

What had he done? What was he doing? The only good thing in his life was gone now, and he'd torn it out himself...

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

If Gryphon wasn't happy about their situation, he would have personally done something about it. Come on, it had been... what, six, seven months? And whilst Gryphon was giving and a little passive, he would have done something! He was happy! Why did this have to happen...

It was probably the wrong thing to say. Kodi had just told him that they had to part ways, and now he was saying he loved him. Well... it was true. It still was. He still couldn't completely wrap his head around this whole thing yet, but despite all the negatives, he still loved him. Only to hear those two words back, though... just made his heart fall. And crumble.

Maybe he had been lying, all the time back, at the lake. He had said something about not doing what Nick did to him... it didn't... it wasn't the same... so... why did it feel the same? It wasn't supposed to feel the same... then again, this wasn't supposed to have happened...

As he left, Gryphon watched him go without a sound, and once he was out of sight, out of earshot, he hid his face to let the emotions through.

...but he was just staring into the shadowy ground. His eyes and throat were sore, but dry. He held his breath, trying to... build up the emotion or something, so he could let it out, but all that happened was that his lungs begged for air like how his heart had begged him to go after his... his...

He let the air back into his lungs and rubbed his face. Curling up, he just stayed there for a while, dwelling in his thoughts, until he wasn't happy about staying there anymore. He stood up, untucked his wings, and without much extra thought, he sprinted and jumped out into the world, trying to get the rushing wind to blank his mind. The only problem?

It worked. But the moment his mind blanked, he felt everything, all of the emotions he was expecting to be feeling just piled on, and he faltered, coming back around and landing as quickly as possible, before just falling to the ground, sobbing horribly. He was alone. Again.