Angry All The Time (Oriel)

[Salem Hirch]

It had been a few weeks since the Hammel retreat, not many though, so Salem was still dealing with a lot of pent up anger. Along with several other emotions. He was very confused, to say the very least, and needed someone close to his age that maybe understood. Normally he would go to his friends for help, but they were either upset with him, or busy with their own lives. On top of that, he wasn't sure if any of them would understand, not fully anyway. That is until he thought of a new friend, one that he made while in his darker place, Oriel. 

True, they were not as close as say he and Anthony were, but still. Salem felt he understood Oriel a little better and hoped that maybe the other could help him understand himself some. Certain events had taken place between the two and since then, the blonde honestly felt he could talk to the "evil one". So, on a rather chilly afternoon, Salem bundled himself in a coat and headed out to the courtyard. He had heard that Oriel had been hanging out there often and figured it would be his best chance to grab his attention. 

As he trotted down the stairs to head out, he passed a few groups of students, some were laughing and talking, a few were coupled together. This site sent that angry feeling through him, but it was mixed with another odd feeling and a face drifted to his thoughts. A quick blush on his cheeks and Salem pushed the image from his mind. More so because he felt that tinge of anger again. This time it was from seeing a pair of twins, Gestalts to be exact. He had no idea who they were, but the thought of always having the other sibling there just made him angry.

Even though he was "better", certain things still threatened to send him off, but he had a bit more control now. Salem pushed his way through the door and down the steps, making his way to a cozy bench near the corner of the courtyard. There he set and waited for the other boy to show up, at least he hoped he would.

[Deleted]

Oriel hadn’t gone on the student retreat. Which made sense, of course, but he was still peeved about it. He’d had such a great time last year. Being outside was his calling, it seemed. Being outside and a monkey. Oriel still had the habit of climbing trees and taking a nap of the comfiest branch. Unfortunately, it was starting to get a lot colder out, which meant that the days in which he could afford to sleep outside without freezing to death were numbered….ha! Freezing to death, what a funny notion! Oriel also had the habit of going out in cold weather in ridiculously light clothes. He’d never had a problem generating his own heat.

Oriel was tired. As usual. Classes ended, no club practice, and work didn’t start for another couple hours. That meant it was his favorite time of the day….naptime!!

He needed it today. Last night had not been kind to him.

Oriel had two sleeping spots. The first was by the pond and was in the very same tree that he had fallen on Phoenix, the one he’d run to when in distress then accidentally got high on Phoenix’s dust with him, Phoenix, and Gryphon. And the same one under which Oriel had proposed to his beloved and “celebrated”. It held a lot of memories. But…Oriel knew if he went there, he’d never get any sleep, basking in the nostalgia and letting his head run circles with sadness over still not being able to see his love day in and day out like he used to. Oh, oh, woe was Oriel.

So instead, he went to the second tree he enjoyed, in the courtyard, and was the same one under which he had a cat fight with Erik, and first met AJ(a bad experience, but since they were cool now, it wasn’t so bad).

Oriel traipsed across the yellowing grass, towards the tree that was quickly losing every red and gold leaf it held. He did notice Salem, sitting on a bench a good ways away, but Oriel didn’t walk over to him. Instead, he flopped against the trunk and slid down into the cold grass. He tilted his chin upward to the sun and closed his eyes, smiling at the heat on his face.

[Salem Hirch]

For a few brief moments Salem was starting to wonder if maybe he was waisting his own time. Or maybe he had missed Oriel all together. It wasn't like he had the boys schedule memorized, it was just a vague idea of where he might be at certain times. So, the blonde did what he always did when he was sitting outside and bored. He lit up a cigarette. True, it wasn't exactly common for him to smoke this close to the school, but it chilly and he was comfortable in his spot. As he took a few drags, his fingers tapped on the book in his jacket pocket. It wasn't a normal novel that the young bibliophile carried with him, this was a journal. It didn't take long before he was pulling that out his pocket along with a pen.

He started to scribble down his thoughts, from that moment and before, when he felt angry. This wasn't so much a normal journal as it was an account of his own personal issues. Over the past few months, Salem's hair had gotten a bit shaggy and longer, causing it to fall in his face as he wrote. Nothing unusual really, but as he blew a strand from his view he noticed a figure under a tree a good distance away. Luckily he had his glasses on and realized it was the person he had been seeking, Oriel. Salem finished up with his writing and shoved the small, leather book back in his pocket as he stood.

The grass crunched softly as he made his way towards the other boys tree. Oriel seemed..happy...and though it took Salem by surprise, he was glad for that. Not only did that mean the other would be a bit, nicer, but being happy in general was a good thing. A few feet away, he paused and dropped his cigarette, putting it out with the heal of his sneaker and clearing his throat a little more softly than intended. So, he moved a bit closer and spoke. "Hey Oriel." It was all he could really think of to start the conversation.

[Deleted]

Oriel was a man of routine….

It was rare that he ventured out of that routine and there were only so many variations of that routine. If one paid attention, they’d probably be able to memorize his schedule down to the minute.

Though it wasn’t so people could find him that he maintained such a schedule. Oriel just didn’t like change. It took too much out of him to adjust. Just look how long it took for him to get used to Phoenix not being around every day. He still wasn’t comfortable with that.

Still…he was doing better, wasn’t he? And that…was okay. Yeah…he was okay. Juuust fine. Oriel took in a deep breath of the chill air, letting the cold fill and bite at his lungs, then slowly breathing out, arching his head back and allowing his nerves to calm enough in the hopes that sleep would finally overtake him. He really needed a nap.

Oriel allowed his breathing to slow and become deeper as he seemingly entered into a delightful snooze. Which was quickly interrupted by the sound of someone speaking his name. Ughhh…who dares to awaken the Evil Overlord?? He opened a tired eye and looked up to the blonde who’d addressed him. “…..I was sleeping,” he replied, somewhat disgruntled. Oriel took a breath and forced his other eye open. “Need something?” he asked, fully intending on telling the blonde to piss off if he didn’t come up with a good reason for bothering him. The fact that he hadn't already spoke for itself.

[Salem Hirch]

The moment the dark haired boy stirred, Salem tensed. Truth of the matter was, he had fully expected Oriel to yell at him or worse. So, to be greeted with an almost kind reply, was a bit of a shock. "I uh...didn't mean to wake you. Sorry." The blondes semi-timid voice cracked a bit and he felt himself tense again. This time it was with a heat of anger, and totally directed at himself. Luckily he managed to calm himself and he flopped on the ground a little ways away from the other.

Salem being Salem, was a bit slow to respond to Oriel's question, but he did. "Well, I was hoping to talk to you actually." Inside, he felt so stupid by the way he was talking. It was like the old, scared of any social interaction Salem was alive and well, when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Well, the whole truth. The illusionist was pretty much back to his old self, just a bit more open to the world and not as naive. "If ya aren't busy or anything. I mean...I could leave if you want." At this point, he felt as though he could bury his face in the ground and he wondered if Oriel could tell he was getting frustrated at himself.

With another stunning display of verbal communication, he decided to ask a question in general. That way if Oriel didn't feel like talking at that moment, at least Salem would show he did actually want to talk to him, and not just about his own issues. "Um, how are you by the way? You seem happy." All this time, the blonde didn't notice that he had not looked up at the other, but he did now, and gave him the nicest smile he could muster.

[Deleted]

Didn’t mean to wake him? Big, fat, blonde liar. He came over for a reason, meaning he didn’t give a fuck if Oriel was sleeping or just laying around with his eyes closed. Oriel didn’t say any of this, though, and just stayed silent as he waited for the blonde to state his business. The sooner he did that, the sooner Oriel could get back to his nap.

“You came to talk,” he muttered, glaring with eyes half open. “So talk.” And get it over with.

Oriel grunted when Salem started off with an inquiry about Oriel himself. Right…like he cared if Oriel was happy. Fine, whatever. Oriel would just humor him for now. “Happy?” He seemed happy? Oriel hadn’t noticed if he was one way or the other. He was a little more relaxed these day, even without Phoenix, but did that really come across as happy to other people? He shrugged. “I don’t know…I guess I’m alright.” Again, the fact that he wasn’t speaking with utter disdain to get the guy to go away spoke loads about his emotional and mental state.

Oriel snorted in amusement and looked back up to Salem with a half-smile. “But you didn’t come here to ask me how I was. Out with it already, quit dawdling.” Oriel waved his hand at Salem to hurry him along.

[Salem Hirch]

Well, if there was any doubt that Oriel was still 'Oriel', his bluntness shattered it. Not that it was rude or overly harsh, and Salem took it gladly and with a grain of salt. Wrinkling his nose in though, he let out a deep sigh. Mostly at the other saying he was alright, somewhere that gave Salem a little glimmer of hope. That and the fact that he wasn't being yelled at or things being thrown at him.

"Alright man, I just...trying to find the words ya know?" Salem finally responded to him after a brief moment. Honestly, he was trying to think of how to word the things he wanted to talk about, the things he wanted to ask. "Better I just blurt it out I guess."

With that he set up a little straighter in the grass and cleared his throat. "This, well, this may sound like I'm being a jerk, but I need to ask you something." His head tilted down as he dug his fingers into the dirt. "I know you're doing better, not lashing out and all that, but I'm curious. Why are you so angry all the time?" It instantly didn't feel like the right words and Salem felt horrible for even speaking them. "I don't mean that the way it sounds. It's just...well...You know how much I've changed, and somehow managed to get myself back to at least a version of my old self." Once again, he glanced up at Oriel through his hair.

"It's just, I get mad over the simplest things. I try so hard not to, but I feel like a bomb ready to go off at any moment." That was the best way the boy could describe his feelings. It was also the only way he could think to start this conversation.

[Deleted]

He was stalling. Oriel resisted the urge to release a very loud, impatient moan. Instead, he simply looked away for a few seconds, then turned his attention back to Salem when it seemed like he finally figured out what he wanted to say.

Oriel listened in silence, his face stoic.

Hmph...similar much? Is that what he was getting at? Oriel scowled, though it wasn’t an unfriendly expression as it seemed to be directed more inward, towards himself. “I ain’t lashing out,” he repeated Salem’s words, fixating his eyes on some stray thread sticking out from the knee of his jeans. “That don’t mean shit though. I get good periods…times when nothing don’t happen for months…don’t mean I don’t get the urge. To want to shove some bastard’s face through a window.” How Salem described it was fairly accurate, though. Oriel, too, was like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off at a hairpin’s notice.

His expression changed, into some version of a smirk, though it lacked any of his usual snark or amusement or outright mischief, and he pushed himself up into sitting position. “Know what?” he started, staring down at the yellowed grass. “And I could be wrong on this, ‘cause lord fucking knows I don’t hear too good when I don’t want to hear something.” Oriel shifted, uncomfortable with how he was addressing it so specifically. And objectively. “But….I think you might very well be the only person who’s ever seriously asked me that.”

He started playing with the grass, ripping out small pieces and tearing them into streams and threads. “Fuck….there’s a lot of reasons ‘why’. And ain’t a one of ‘em is a very nice story, though.” He let loose a few halfhearted chuckles. “Could be here all day telling ‘em all.” Oriel lightly tossed a few pieces of grass in front of him, then looked up at Salem. “If you still want to know, I’ll try to give you the short version.” Oriel’d rather skip it altogether, but…since Salem had asked, he’d answer. Funny, how Oriel was always afraid people would ask questions and was always prepared to tell them to eat shit…maybe he was getting better…?

[Salem Hirch]

Salem let his eyes watch Oriel's fingers mess with a rip in his jeans, it was oddly...entertaining. Well, it kept his attention for a moment at least, but as he listened to Oriel talk, it was like listening to his own feelings being expressed out loud. To hear it from another person, that was a bit strange. "Yeah, I actually totally understand that." He chuckled softly, because he did.

When he saw the smirk on the dark one's face, he wasn't sure if now was the time to run or listen. Luckily it was the latter, and he settled back to hear what Oriel had to say. Well, this was a surprise, had Salem actually caught him off guard? And in a good way? This was good, this had to be good. "Well, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know." He nodded with a little smile. The blondes nerves were definitely easing off, and he leaned back on his elbows a little closer. Still giving Oriel his space of course. "And I'm glad you don't seem to mind that I asked."

Again, Oriel's hand movements caught his attention, but only for a moment. As he watched the grass pieces catch a breeze, he listened to the boy. "If you want to tell me, honestly...I'm all ears." Salem wasn't sure what Oriel would say, but a part of him was definitely intrigued. Though, he also thought about his own story, how he knew Oriel's had to be worse. Maybe hearing this would make him realize it's not that bad? Or maybe it would be worse? He wasn't sure, but he really did mean he would listen, and not just to Oriel's story. He'd listen to anything the guy wanted to talk about. That was a sign he knew he was getting better himself.

[Deleted]

Before, Oriel would have gotten angry at that. In a way, he still was. People claiming to understand how he was feeling or what he had been through when they didn’t have the slightest clue…or if they did, then they claim to know because they’d been through it themselves…but they weren’t Oriel, and that was the point. Not a one of them was. It grated him when people claimed ‘understanding’, but….

“Hmm….funny thing is,” he started, glimpsing out to the field of dead grass that other students were crunching their shoes through. “….if you’d asked me that a year ago, I’ve not doubt your face’d be run through the dirt by now.” With Oriel uttering the sweet nothings of ass fucking into his ear, as a token of his undying appreciation. But he hadn’t, and he didn’t quite feel like it at the moment. That proved he was getting somewhat better, right? Was he really okay with telling this story? Guess he’d find out. Oriel took a breath, and paused for a minute, before finally opening his mouth to speak.

He told Salem more than he intended. It was why he never started in the first place too often. Oriel knew that once he started, it’d be hard to stop. There was just so much, one thing leading into another, which in turn led into something else.

Oriel spoke of him and his sister, and their time in the foster system together. About how they were each other’s world, up until she was taken from him by that rich couple, who thought Oriel was too volatile to keep around her. He spoke of his first foster situation after that. That was probably the hardest story to get through, and Oriel’s eyes glazed over in his efforts keep himself grounded, and separated from those memories. He spoke of the granny, whose name he didn’t even remember anymore, and who’s old, wrinkly, smiling face was already faded in his mind. Still, even that memory was something precious to him.

There was the third home, whose fosters he never bothered to learn the names of, and which didn’t matter much anyway, because that group didn’t stay for very long. That was the home where he met Xavier, the pyrokinetic. The jerk ruined it for the lot of them. There was the boy’s shelter. School, and it’s indifferent teachers. Social workers who just 'didn’t know what to do with a kid like him anymore’. He was too old to hope for adoption anymore, and screwed up, and so untrusting, it seemed like they just stopped trying after that. Even stopped trying to pretend to care.

That was how he landed up with the Stawsons for the three years just before being taken to Hammel. A place he rarely, if ever, stayed at. The streets were more comforting to him by that point. He smoked, he drank, he fucked the sluts who walked the street. He was taken to his ‘home’ by the cops more than his fair share of times. He knew he was screwed up already, so what did it matter if he fucked himself up even more?

“You ask me, why am I angry?” he said with a slight shaking in his voice. “I guess….if I had to sum it all up, then it’s ‘cause…” Oriel grit his teeth and breathed hard through his nose. “It’s ‘cause they. Let it. Happen.” Who was ‘they’? Everyone. Everyone who was supposed to make sure that this child without a family made it to his 18th birthday, so they could feel the relief of not having to take care of him anymore. He hated it.

[Salem Hirch]

Salem, for the most part, didn't understand the boy sitting in front of him at all. Part of him really wanted to though, not just for himself, but everyone needed someone to get them. Right? Now he was not expecting any kind of in depth story. Heck, all he really thought he'd get was some short thing about how the world sucked. Not that he didn't agree, but still. Even when Oriel mentioned what would have happened if Salem had asked awhile back, he still didn't expect much. Then, Oriel started talking...and didn't stop. The guy was telling Salem his whole life story.

Of course he set there and listened politely, not making a sound and trying not to show any emotion. Out of respect and not sure how Oriel would take it. Though he did want to say things off and on. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was about his sister. Obviously he understood loosing someone like that. Not in the same way of course, but he really did understand. He wanted to tell him that it wasn't fair of them to separate the two siblings like that. Salem just didn't know how.

The blonde noticed that far away look when he spoke of the Granny. A person Salem would have loved to meet, and was thankful that Oriel had one person in his life like that. Back then at least. The woman, in a way, reminded him of his mother. Someone kind and caring, it gave his brain a moment to pause and think about her. About how all the stuff he'd done and said...she still loved him. The boy felt guilty for a moment, but didn't dwell. This was about listening to Oriel, not his own thoughts. So he focused on that. Truth was, he couldn't possibly begin to imagine what all that shuffling around did to the poor guy.

Oriel went on, and with each word, Salem's heart sank a bit deeper in his chest. He wondered how much of this Phen knew. Not that he would tell him, or anyone else. Hell, he felt honored that Oriel was telling him. That sounded odd in his head, but it's how he felt. As his story finally came to an end, Salem just set there for a moment. Unsure what to say, if he said anything at all. "Oriel..." His voice was like a whisper. "I'm sorry all that happened to you. I can't even begin to process what that would have done to me, let alone you." The blonde was being very sincere and he hoped Oriel picked that up.

"I don't understand how you feel, I guess my angers a little different." In fact Salem could feel his anger boiling up now, his ears were turning red. "It wasn't right, what happened to you. No one should be pushed aside or treated like that." Salem was looking him in the face as he spoke. His voice still soft, but definitely angry. Salem already knew he had a good life compared to some, so part of this anger was towards himself, he felt stupid for acting like he did when there was someone he knew that had gone through so much worse. "Oriel, I don't care how this sounds...or honestly...if you'd kick my ass for saying it...but...I would have never let it happen." He meant it. Though they weren't really friends, the blonde did actually care for the other. "Thank you for opening up to me..." Now he was feeling a bit awkward and unsure what to say again, but he hoped some of that made sense to Oriel. "I know we aren't really friends, but..." He took a deep breath. "If you ever want to hang out...talk,not talk...whatever...we can." It was just an open invitation to be there, if he ever needed someone around.

[Deleted]

This was precisely why Oriel never talked about the past. Because he didn’t stop. Oriel knew that once he started, one thing just led into another, which led into another, and then maybe they’d get back around to the first thing again and the point of the whole rant in the first place. He didn’t talk about his feelings because he knew that once he started he wouldn’t stop. It’d end up with him vomiting out every single thing he ever felt and explaining why it was that way and whose fault it was. Nobody knew just how hard he tried to never start in the first place. Oriel convinced himself that he didn’t need to say anything, and that was his own leash to hold him back.

There were times in his story that he wanted to stop and simply say “forget it, you’re probably sick of this by now”. He expected Salem to stop him at some point and say something akin to “right, I get it, your life sucked”. Oriel never expected anyone to want to sit through a story he was sure required a good amount of endurance to get through. And patience. He was surprised that Salem actually waited until the end to finally say something. Though by then, Oriel was….he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Embarrassment, for having iterated all that for as long as he had. Shame, for saying anything at all, like he had a right to complain. Anger, at himself for feeling those emotions when he knew he had as much a right as anyone else to ‘complain’. Guilt, for….for something. It was there, and he couldn’t figure out why. Sadness, which he ignored because that was for pussies. Anger, at himself again for feeling it anyway. Fear, from pulling up those troublesome memories he’d tried to forget all over again. Anger again, for not being strong enough to forget completely.

And then rage. Rage at everything fucked up that ever happened to him that in turn fucked him up just as bad. Rage at the people who would let a screwed up kid like him get even more screwed up because they’d already given up on him ever being ‘normal’.

Oriel nodded. “Yeah….thanks.” He was doing better these days, but that was the result of lots and lots of therapy he’d finally given in to accepting, medication to help with the explosive mood swings and bottomless pit depression, and good old fashioned willpower, something he’d been cultivating since as long as he could remember. That anger….it never went away, though. It was still there, nestled inside him, poking and prodding him from the inside out, just hoping to find a weakness in it’s cage so it could finally burst free again. Talking about it was bringing it pretty damn close to finding an escape route.

Oriel took a deep breath, trying to consider what Salem was saying now. His words of “sympathy”. A year ago…maybe even only a few months ago, Oriel might have regarded everything Salem said as superficial. Something he had to say, because it was the polite thing to do. Now…well, Oriel still felt that to some degree, but he was trying to remind himself that his own mind was the one telling him lies…not necessarily everyone else.

“You don’t…” You don’t have to bother with putting up with me if you don’t want to, he wanted to say. He took a breath and nodded again, slowly. “Alright,” he finally said softly. Oriel managed a smile and looked up at the blonde. “If you….I know it’s different, but if you want to talk ‘bout your shit too….I’m usually pretty good for listening.” Surprisingly. Not surprisingly. Oriel felt like he was worth something when his friends confided in him, even though he rarely ever did so himself. His smile grew slightly. “And we’re friends,” Oriel asserted. His smile was slowly growing more devilish, and he leaned in closer to Salem. “A hot and steamy night like that deserves us to be at least that much.” Salem knew what night he was talking about.

[Salem Hirch]

((ooc: sorry it's so short ))

Salem gave Oriel the kindest smile he could manage. The dark haired boy was definitely doing better than he had been and he was happy to see that. Not just because it meant something positive for himself. No, even with that factored in, he was just happy that Oriel seemed to sort of landing in the vicinity of "happy". 

Then he was slightly taken aback by Oriel's offer. Not that he didn't somewhat expect to hear it, but the fact that it honestly felt sincere took him by surprise. "Thanks man, I'd like to have someone to talk to. I mean, I feel kinda silly about it...cause my life isn't all that bad, but still." With a little pause, he smiled again. "I'm glad we're friends. You seem like a good one to have around." He just nodded a bit at that and was fully prepared to tell Oriel all that had been going on recently. Then he brought up...that night.

For a moment, Salem's eyes had been preoccupied with a bug struggling over a blade of brown grass, so as he looked up hearing those words he turned red. Oriel had leaned in and was smiling. Oh, he had seen that smile before, but now it made him feel funny. Not in a bad way really, just odd. "Yeah, I gu..guess you're right." He stuttered with a nervous chuckle added in for extra embarrassment. "Can't forget a night like that." 

[Deleted]

((Lol, even shorter. Deal with it. <3 ))

Oriel snorted, mildly amused at Salem’s reaction. That was almost what he was going for, but still less than perfect. Oh, well. Couldn’t have everything, he supposed(even if he wanted it). “Sure can’t. And I hope you always think of it when you think of me~” he said ‘sweetly’, winking at the blonde. Oriel huffed again and returned to his leaning-back position against the tree behind him.

He reflected a moment before speaking again. “Yeah….anyway, don’t….don’t worry ‘bout that shit. I, uh….” Oriel was not proud to admit this. “I’ve screamed at people….who complained about their shitty lives that look pretty damn near perfect to me.” That probably didn’t sound very inviting for Salem to start talking, but Oriel wasn’t finished. “….but….I also heard a lot of things from kids in worse-off places than me.” Believe it or not, some people had shittier lives than Oriel did. “So….makes me feel dumb complaining ‘bout my own shit.” But that didn’t mean it didn’t still piss him off, his circumstances. It didn’t mean that it didn’t suck, and didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. Just because somebody else’s life sucked more than his didn’t mean that Oriel didn’t still get nightmares. “….I don’t know what I’m trying to say anymore, but….fuck, give it up ‘fore I pummel you already,” he threatened mockingly, shaking his fist slightly at Salem. “….or before I decide I don’t want to hear it no more.” Oriel was just joking, of course. Sort of.

[Salem Hirch]

Salem's cheeks turned another shade of red as Oriel spoke. "Well, for starters. I'm not likely to ever forget that." A little smirk appeared on the corner of his mouth. "So yeah, I'll think about it every time I think about you." Okay, he may have been pandering to Oriel's ego a bit, but at the same time he was being honest. There was no way he could forget something like that. Plus, out of all the things he did during that time, that...was the one thing that didn't seem to bother him. It was fun, and he would never want to go back and change that.

As the other leaned back against the tree, Salem took the opportunity to lie down in the grass. His bright eyes squinting a bit in the sun before the tree's shadow finally settled over them. Which accounted for him not fully paying attention to the first bit of what his dark haired friend said. He still heard it, but wasn't really sure how to react. "Well yeah, I understand that. In my opinion, you have every right to scream at them." Salem was just being honest, but he sighed a bit. He still felt guilty, but Oriel was 'insistent'. With another little sigh, Salem closed his eyes and began his story.

"Like I said, it's silly really. I just didn't handle things well...I guess." If that wasn't the understatement of the year, he wasn't sure what was. "It kinda started with the whole Cam thing. Him being my first kiss, first guy I fell for...then there he was with Matty. To make matters worse he was been 'faithful' to him." Though his eyes were shut tight, the blonde made air quotes as he spoke and rolled his eyes a bit. "So, that was exhibit A." He chuckled a bit. "Exhibit B comes in the form a French twin. A one, Mister Carter Chevailer." The illusionist made a small groan. "I don't know why I decided to ignore what literally everyone told me. Noooo...I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. I had to let him..."

Salem paused and visibly, thought not audibly, counted down from ten. "I...uh..let him take my virginity." It was the first time he'd actually said that out loud, and it felt a little odd. Good, but still odd. "Then I'm sure you can guess what happened after that." At this point, he assumed everyone on the planet knew Carter's reputation. "Those two things seemed to happen on top of each other, then...BAM...all my friends were heading off to college. Which of course isn't that bad, but still. Being the younger one in the group made me feel a little left out...behind..whatever." As the next part of his story was coming up, Salem felt tears welling in his eyes and he wasn't sure if he should stop them or not.

"Then...my....my brother..he meant the world to me. He'd been missing since right before I started Hammel. Well, they finally found him...he...he was...well.. dead." Just saying it seemed to sting him still. Like i he was poking at a fresh wound with a mixture of salt and lemon juice. "I guess everything just piled on top of me at once and I kinda lost it." His voice was a bit softer now. "I was pretty screwed up for a bit and just didn't care. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of." Opening one eye, he glanced at Oriel. "Not that night though." He added with a bit of smile. "Things just got bad. Real bad. So bad that I....I..." His face was turning red again, but this time out of shame. "I tried to kill myself on the retreat." It was blunt, Salem had been being blunt a lot recently, and he wasn't sure why. "Like I said...I was just being silly."