Lonely solipist [open]

[Deleted]

Ouch. That hurt. Marcus posed that question hoping that Luke might understand what ‘scared’ actually meant, and Luke turned it around to just make Marcus feel like a failure of a man for not being able to stand up to something like that. “I don’t like being hated,” he said sourly. “I get enough of that shit at home.” Over his power too. “And I don’t like pain. So sorry I’m not as gung-ho honest and manly like you. Didn’t we just go over this a minute ago? I’m a wimp. I’m a sissy. And I’m a goddamn coward. Did I miss anything?” The irritation was obvious in his voice. And the hurt. Apparently being batshit scared of what might happen wasn’t an excuse to not tell somebody something right away, not even when they’d already threatened to beat you for it.

Marcus wasn’t sure what Luke wanted him to say. I was wrong, oh so please forgive me? Get on his knees and beg? All he could think to do was just take the criticism. But that didn’t mean he wanted to hear it. Marcus had already started unslinging his guitar. He didn’t feel much like playing anymore.

“Ha ha, you think you’re confused?” It was always about them and their feelings and their impressions whenever it came to his power. “I’m the one who has to randomly switch out my dick for breasts and a pussy, and you’re the one confused? I don’t even know which I am anymore, and I’m supposed to come up with an answer for you. I don’t even know if I like girls or guys and even if I did, I wouldn’t know what the hell to call it. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind, my family thinks I’m a freak, and you’re the one who’s confused.” That all was maybe(definitely) a little(or a lot) bit too much. But people snap sometimes. Everyone had a breaking point. And Marcus apparently had reached his. By the way, he’d later blame this outburst of emotion on his power as well. A side effect. Marcus hated thinking about the reason for that as well. But he was certainly not going to tell Lucas about it, no matter how upfront he wanted the shifter to be.

[Lucas Blacke]

''Oh wow.'' Luke got up and began walking over to Marcus. He was lightly chuckling at what he said, how he ignorantly talked, knowing nothing of the boy. Oh it would be so good to talk about his own past and see him dig his own hole even further trying to turn it around. If he just let it be and just said why he hadn't said sooner there would be no problem and perhaps even understanding.

But now.. now he'd done it. Luke was now in it to win it even if he wanted to keep it civil, he wanted to try since a long time to just talk something out without raising some kind of commotion. But noooo, the guy/girl kept going and unknowingly struck closer to home than he probably ever wanted. As he had said, he was afraid Luke was going to hit him, and he was not in any danger to begin with but slowly he had been talking himself into having a small chance.

''Ya don't like bein' hated? How 'bout bein' me for a day an' I'll be you for a day, see who is hated most 'round here. Ya said yer not into girls or guys or dunno which one ya prefer, so there's no real hurtin' there yet I'm assumin'.'' He folded his arms over his chest and grinned. ''I hurt lotsa people.'' And he wasn't proud of it, but they all hated him even if they just knew him through hear-say. ''I ain't proud, but I'm pretty sure I'm hated more than you are, dickgirl. Hey, at least he wasn't calling her Marca.

''So ya get a clean slate, that's yer power. I'd kill for that! An' bein' called a freak by yer family? Be glad yer family is talkin' to ya. Mine called me a freak an' then ignored me. My only light in this world 'fore Hammel died on me an' I weren't even fuckin' told. Ya wonder why I'm confused?,''

Luke stepped back an inch and raised his fist, ready to strike as his face twitched as he found himself questioning whether he should or shouldn't. He finally lowered his fist and clenched it tighter, letting a knack sound through the hall.

''I'm confused.. 'cause I don't fuckin' know why anyone would fuckin' keep that from me!''

[Deleted]

Now, why was this turning into a contest of whose life sucked more? If Luke had issues, you’d think he’d be more sympathetic to someone else going through shit. Rather, he apparently hated Marcus for complaining about troubles in his life that Lucas could have dealt with much better than Marcus.

“You want to trade places??” Marcus asked, his voice starting to rise. “We good luck, because we can’t so it’s pointless to even say something like that! I never said I wanted you’re life! I’m saying that mine sucks for me! I don’t care if you think you can handle my life better than me, but I’m sure as hell certain that there’s someone out there who thinks they can handle yours better than you!” Not Marcus. If Marcus couldn’t even handle his own shit, then he sure as hell couldn’t handle someone else’s.

Lucas raised his fist and Marcus flinched, moving back a step and turning his face, eyes shut tight. He felt moisture starting to collect behind his eyes.

Marcus was stressed. His hands were starting to shake. It was like when his grandfather would sit him down and lecture him, telling him for hours everything that was wrong with the meta boy/girl. Like when his mother skipped out on their dates at the last minute so she could go fuck some new asshole he never met. Like every time the matter of his gender came up and how he failed to fit in either role sufficient enough to be called one or the other. And was it trivial? Maybe to some people, like Luke. But it wasn’t to Marcus. After all, he was Marcus and nobody else. And he was the only one of those people who was actually living it.

The hit he was expecting didn’t come, and Marcus squinted an eye open carefully, afraid that the blow might just come when he finally started to relax. “W-why would I keep that from you?” he asked, an incredulous tone in his voice. “It’s not just you, I keep it from a lot of people…because I don’t want people to know. I’m sorry, but you are not so special that I’d single you out and abstain from only telling you.” If it were up to Marcus, nobody would know.

[Lucas Blacke]

Why didn't he hit him and cut this entire debate short before missy Marcy was given another chance to what Luke felt was defending himself? He was sure he could knock him out in one punch, and even if he didn't follow up with a kick he'd be able to bail without having to argue further.. but he was too scared for that, scared he would get caught up and keep beating the guy untill everything was done since there was no one around to stop him.

With his face turning down slightly he grasped his tightened fist with his free hand and caressed it gently. ''I suppose..'' I'm equally at fault here 'cause I didn't let ya change that one time. He thought it over, looked at the guy and shook his head in anger. No use trying to rationalize now, his anger had been awakened now that he had begun talking about his own problems again.

If there was one thing Lucas was good at, it was raising his voice. As someone who took unusual pride in his ability to grunt he wasn't scared to do so in public places and this allowed him that eensy bit more oomph when yelling at people. ''If ya don't want people to know ya shouldn't have told me! If I ain't that fuckin' special that ya won't just not tell me in a world where ya fuckin' just don't want anyone to know, why did it occur in yer fruity ass brain to let someone know?''

He slid forward as his gaze met that of the guy. It was only now that he noticed he was slightly bigger than Luke, but thinner. He was a tree, he was, and not the sturdy kind he assumed. His hand unclenched and his tensed finger poked Marcus on the chest. '''Cos ya sure as hell are makin' me feel special!''

He took back his finger suddenly and stepped back, just looking at the guy as he folded his arms over his chest.

''Marca.''

[Deleted]

What was he supposed to do? Marcus knew he messed up, and he figured Luke was going to be upset, but…..Marcus didn’t like this situation. He wanted to leave and forget anything had ever happened. He wished he hadn’t bothered saying anything in the first place, because this was the exact reason why he was scared to say anything! It didn’t seem like Luke cared much about the reasons, though.

Marcus winced when Luke countered his next ‘defense’. No way out. Everything Marcus tried to say to explain himself, Luke had some counterargument to invalidate it. No matter what he said….there probably wasn’t a reason good enough for him, he realized. At this point….what was his problem? It seemed more like he was just upset for the sake of being upset and wanting someone to yell at, and Marcus happened to be the closest person to take it.

“….b…because……” he squeaked, taking in a sharp breath when Lucas poked him in the chest. I thought we were friends. But that wasn’t good enough either, was it? If they were friends, then he should have said so sooner anyway, he imagined Luke would say. It wasn’t good enough. Nothing he said was good enough. It wasn’t done the way Luke would have done it, therefore it wasn’t good enough.

The tears finally started to fall, and with them, it was like a switch was flipped inside of Marcus. He could feel the changes taking place, and like usual, he couldn’t for the life of him find the ‘off’ switch. Marcus shut his eyes tight, hating every minute of this; the hair growing, growing smaller and slimmer, softer. Her clothes were hanging loosely off her shoulders and slender hips. And the tears just kept falling, her face twisted from distress. Marcus sniffed, and wiped one eye with the heel of her palm. “I’m sorry…!” she whined. “I didn’t mean to….I don’t know….what you want…from me…!” Marcus kept her head down and her eyes closed.

[Lucas Blacke]

''Because fuckin' what? 'Cause ya were afraid of me flippin' a shit?! I'll tell ya how ya can avoid that.. Tell me fuckin' sooner!'' He took a small breather and looked at Marcus.. Marca.. whoever. He, or she (he wasn't sure anymore) seemed to be on the verge of crying and it kind of put a damper on whatever Luke was feeling. When had he turned so soft that feelings could influence him to the point of not feeling quite as angry?

He stepped back even more and sighed. ''I- look.. I don't mind that yer like this.. nothin' ya can do 'bout it, right?'' He said with a sad but reassuring smile. Why sad? He was like an emotional chameleon from time to time. ''I just wish ya'd told me before I got in a band with ya.. or showed me.'' Since she technically did tell him. ''But please don't cry!'' He pleaded suddenly as Marcus closed her eyes.

It was happening right then, she was changing. Or rather, he was changing into her. Luke grinned then for some reason because everything he had gone through, everyone he had talked with became easier when there was a girl involved. And now there was an actual girl involved. The reason why was less fun but she was there, making things easier for him as he had no more guys to cope with. ''M..Marcus..?'' He asked when she was done changing, shedding a few inches and nearly drowning in the clothes Guycus was wearing, but somehow she still looked obviously female to him. Maybe because he'd seen a bit more than he bargained for before.

''D-don't-'' Luke muttered as he slowly inched his way over. ''I can't stand cryin' girls..'' He said as he put an arm around her, his other finding the small of her back and pulling her into a hug. Least he could do was try to comfort her like she had done with him, and if that didn't work she was in striking distance now. ''I'm sorry..''

[Deleted]

Yes, because he was afraid of him flipping his shit! And…fuck, it probably didn’t matter when Marcus told him…if there was one thing Marcus had learned, it was that he could never tell people soon enough. And then the longer he waited, the harder and more awkward it was to say anything at all….no, Marcus was not brave. Yes, he was a coward. But if being yelled at and attacked every time he failed to be ‘brave’ did anything more than make him retreat even more…if it actually inspired him to ‘grow a pair’….then it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place, because that first scolding would’ve done the trick.

So all that could be done….was what he was doing right now. Marcus didn’t know what else to do! It wasn’t like he liked crying either! But he also couldn’t help feeling what he was feeling, no more than he could help being the thing that wasn’t quite one or the other.

“I…..I can’t…. -sniffle-…help it!!” she stuttered out to Luke’s pleas for him/her to stop crying. “It’s…n-not like…I can t-turn it on…and off…at w-will!!” Emotions didn’t work like that. And even if they did, wouldn’t that just make it seem like she was putting on some sort of act to gain sympathy from him? The fact that she’d shifted right there as a reflex to her distress made it seem like that even more! And she hated herself for it. She wouldn’t blame him if he thought that, though it scared her to think that Luke might see it that way. Why shouldn’t he? He already thought Marcus was a sneaky bastard for keeping all this a secret in the first place.

She should have just run away like last time. There was no reason for her to stick around for this, right? Lucas probably didn’t want to see her(or him) ever again anyway. Yet, she still stood there, unable to find the will to move her feet, and just kept her hands clenched and at her sides, and her eyes closed with a never ending stream of tears falling from them. Warm arms wrapped around her and pulled her in close. Marcus didn’t resist - she was too lost in her own emotions to really process his actions - but on instinct, she raised up her tiny hand to cling to his shirt and continue her sob there.

“I’m sorry…!” she wailed, her voice muffled by fabric. “I didn’t mean to….I wasn’t trying to do any of…..I was just scared!” It was the same excuse from before, the first one she’d used, the last one she’d used. She knew it wasn’t a very good excuse, but that didn’t make it any less true. “I’m sorry….!” Marcus would sniffle into him for a good few minutes more before finally calming down, pending nothing else happened that would upset her. Hopefully.

[Lucas Blacke]

Oh jesus, she'd know his weakness now if there happened to be even a single functioning braincell in there. He couldn't stand crying girls, and not in the sense of needing to get out or wanting to smack them if they did, but there was something about people crying to show they possessed emotions that made him soften up, and girls seemed to be masters of that. He copied emotions before, but that was a human thing and had nothing to do with his ability, or that was what he figured at least.

With her in his arms and sobbing away at his shirt he lowered his head gently and put his chin on top of her head for some reason as he drifted off in thought.. Like why did a guy get despised when he did this, and why did a girl who did the exact same thing get a hug? ''Shh. I'm here.'' It almost sounded like a line from a horror movie the way he said it, but hopefully she would pick up on what he meant by it. If she picked up on anything he said now.

He put his hand on the back of her head and just stood there. Half enjoying a girl standing up against him and half hoping she wouldn't turn back. ..but why? ''I've been a dick.'' He said finally, still wondering what exactly made him treat girls so differently. Was it the chest they had? Looking at her he would have said no, what chest was there? He knew there was one but it wasn't like she showed it off or anything. Maybe it were the feminine shapes of the face..?

''I won't blame ya if ya hate me..'' He hadn't exactly been.. understanding of her situation. While he despised him, he didn't hate her. The question why still haunted him. ''I hate me right now..''

[Deleted]

Marcus wasn’t paying attention to the secrets behind the situation. When one was feeling as lost as she was, the only thought on their mind was that there was someone there who gave a shit. Maybe she’d realize it later, maybe she wouldn’t, but most importantly, this would be sway Marcus once again into thinking that Lucas was a more decent guy than he thought himself to be.

His arms were warm. His voice calming. Marcus just needed to get it all out before she could go back to her normal, cheerful, over-talkative, stupid self. Her breathing would soften over time and the shaking would fade.

”I’ve been a dick.”

Yeah….he had. But so had Marcus, and Marcus just hated that he just hadn’t been strong enough to come out and say it sooner? As soon as they met the second time, Marcus should have just spoken up and told Lucas the truth. He was scared of him making a big deal of it all…he was scared that Cameron and Matt would find out, even though they probably should have been told from the start as well…. “…I was too,” she said with a choke and a sniffle.

Marcus shook her head into his chest. “….I don’t hate you,” she admitted. “You’re fun….easy to talk to….” She chuckled slightly. “Yeah, you’re a dick, but everyone is sometimes. I was….scared….” The tears were starting to come back. “…that you wouldn’t be my friend anymore….if you found out. I…I didn’t want you to hate me…I’m sorry…” Marcus gripped at his shirt tighter and wiped her tears on it. “S-sorry…I’m getting your shirt wet…”

[Lucas Blacke]

A few seconds ago he had been yelling at the male version of Marcus, and now he was holding and trying to console the female version of Marcus. Oh how things changed when there was a woman in play, even if not a real one. Maybe he was a casanova or something? No, he wouldn't go that far, he had his way with women but to say he could talk any of them into bed was a bit of an exaggeration to say the least. Yet somehow.. he handled women better than he did men. Simply put, all of his note-worthy actions, both good and bad, involved women rather then men. Women were prominent in his mind, present in every thought.. maybe it all had some meaning.. would Neville be a woman he'd go to her to figure it all out.

''This is good news, I assume. But I still suggest hatin' me, helps with coping. Or so people tell me.'' That hating him was a good thing.. psh, he knew that much without even trying to find out. He could only imagine the people he'd gotten together by giving them a common enemy. Perhaps that was his higher calling or some shit, getting people to be friends by being a total dick to them. He could do that. ''An' if I make ya cry I ain't that easy to talk to.'' He offered with a smile, even though she was admiring his shirt up close.. All he could feel were her movements against his chest. Working out had paid off.

He sighed a bit and shook his head as she said she was afraid she'd be losing him as a friend. ''I don't hate ya an' I'll never stop bein' yer friend. I have this weak spot for girls. Ya always have a fifty percent chance of convincing me to forggive you for something.'' He joked. ''So stop worryin' an' stop cryin'.'' He said as she apologised about crying all over his shirt and getting it wet.

''Don't worry 'bout my shirt. I've been told I look smashing without it. Might bust some ovaries that way.'' He smiled and winked.

[Deleted]

That….made her sad. “Why would you want people to hate you….?” She raised her head to look at Lucas, gaping incredulously. “It helps with coping? For who? Me? Or for you?” Why would Lucas encourage her to hate him? Because….she didn’t! “I don’t know who else you’ve pissed off, but I don’t like hating people, as much as I don’t like being hated!” It upset her that he was okay with it. It wasn’t a desire she could relate to in the slightest. Marcus lowered her head again.

What happened that gave Lucas such a bleak outlook on life? Marcus wanted to know….well, he’d already freaked out earlier about his ’terrible life’. And Marcus could sympathize. It made her wonder if she really was just a spoiled, silver-spoon fed brat who whined about little, unimportant things. But….that didn’t mean that it didn’t still hurt, the way her mother taunted Marcus with false promises only to forget she even had a child and running off for some frivolous reason. Though….maybe it was Marcus’ fault for having any expectations….for getting her hopes up over and over again when she knew she was only going to be disappointed.

At least…this hadn’t turned into a disappointment, like she feared. He didn’t hate her. Just knowing that….Marcus felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, the relief was so immense. “Okay…..” she muttered with a hard swallow. She was gradually starting to calm down, and breathe easier. At his comment, Marcus laughed sharply through her nose, finally pulling back a little to look up at the jerk with a smirk. “Keep your shirt on, Casanova. I’ve already seen more than I care to of that ‘manly’ physique you’re bragging about.” She poked him in the chest with the intent of pushing him away. Though considering their size differences, Marcus was liable to just knock herself over than push him back, pending he didn’t move willingly.

[Lucas Blacke]

''Makes copin' easier for you. Bein' angry tends to make ignorin' someone easier.'' Or so he had found in the past. Maybe it'd be the same for her, never hurt to try right? That she didn't like to hate people though.. well that could be an issue. ''Let's see. I've pissed off Doc Neville, the janitor, my exes, some guy calling my ex a bitch, the strongest girl you'll ever meet, the hottest girl you'll ever meet, I probably am going to piss off her friend, my parents, my entire family, and probably more.'' He told her with a progressively dimming smile on his face. ''Oh, and my best childhood friends. And almost my entire previous school. And the one before that. And the drama club. And people working at shops, I tend to piss those off real bad.''

It wasn't fun thinking about all the people he had messed up, certainly not now with all the changing he was doing, or thought he was doing. He did tend to think he always had it a bit worse than whoever was with him.. maybe that was part of his problem.. no matter now though. ''All of that don't matter now though. 'T matters is that we're here.''

We..? The fuck was wrong with him? Were they a we now? She was 50% guy! Why did he do this with girls? He knew what was up with her, not that long ago he scolded him for it, the next moment he was apologizing to her for doing just that. Sure, they were there, but that was not the we he meant.. he never did that with girls.. He wondered if she'd pick on on it.. maybe..

What she said didn't help though. It was like he forgot she was a guy or something! She was right though, she'd already seen more of him than most other girls had. But Luke wasn't one to show himself off, especially not to someone who turned out to be a guy and wasn't a doctor, so why wasn't he afraid to joke about it with her? ''I ain't braggin'!'' He jokingly yelled as he still held her in his arms. ''Just stop denyin' it sounds good to ya.'' He laughed as she poked his chest, tempting him to do the same and poke her in the chest. Stupid as he was he would actually do it too.

Luke shook his head and moved a stray strand of hair from her face, wiping the wetness from her eyes. It didn't suit her.

[Deleted]

“Why…would I want to ignore…?” She was the sort who actively tried to not ignore people. There were people she paid attention to in her classes that barely even knew she existed, in either form. Her mother ignored her all the time. Her grandfather only paid attention to the things she wasn’t doing. Why would she want to make anyone else feel the way she did when her family did that? But then Lucas was listing off all the people he’d pissed off over his lifetime…..somehow that just made Marcus sadder. “Why….?” she asked, keeping her eyes lowered. “You say you pissed them off….is that really true?” She wanted to ask what it was he did to do that, to so many people…but maybe it had something to do with that stuff he didn’t want to talk about. So instead, all she thought she could ask was, “Why do you do that? You can’t….like…having people upset with you so much….do you?” That’d make him a terrible masochist, but considering he didn’t find his busted leg very pleasing, Marcus was guessing that wasn’t it.

She nodded though. If he didn’t want to say, then he didn’t have to. It was true….it probably didn’t matter much now. “….I guess.” The comprehension of that ‘we’ didn’t register to her the same way it did to Lucas, however. But it was true. It didn’t matter what you did then, what mattered was what you were doing now, and what you will be doing in the future. You couldn’t change what happened then, but you could try to do better next time.

Marcus smiled, laughing softly to herself. “You are totally bragging!” she accused, poking him again. “Can you say ‘vain’ for me, please?” Only a guy so completely full of himself would talk about his own physique like that. She continued to laugh and lifted her eyes up to his when he brushed the hair from her face and wiped at her dampened eyes. “S….sorry…” she said again hesitantly, a small tint of pink reaching her lips. “And…thanks.” Her eyes fell again as she felt her face flush just a little more. It was so embarrassing, having an emotional breakdown like that. It made her feel like she really was just a weak, little woman, even though she knew half of it was just a result of her power’s side effect. Talk about stereotypes, seriously…. “I’m…I’m okay now….” she said, still feeling a soft heat radiating from her face. Marcus started to move backwards slightly, out of Luke’s embrace. No doubt he was getting sick of babying her.

[Lucas Blacke]

Liking was a big word. Actually, it wasn't as Luke was guilty of liking more than he let on, people being no exception. He actually hated when he pissed people off, but it was better to have people come together as one with a common enemy, right? Being that common enemy was not all that fun though, but it brought people together. When she asked about it he felt a bit of a smile coming on and shook his head as he chuckled. ''Naw, I don't like it.''

''I don't like it,'' He repeated as he put emphasis on the word like, meaning he both didn't like nor disliked. ''But it gets people together and that's what matters in the end, right?'' He answered her grimly. Maybe that was why he was pushing so many people away and found himself scared of doing the wrong thing.

''Vain.'' He joked as she teased him about what he said, about his physique and that he bragged about it, but he wasn't! Honest! ..maybe a little bit. Didn't girls like that sort of stuff though? ''No need to apologize..'' He told her when she did after he had wiped down her eyes and removed a strand of hair from her face, his hand near the small of her back and one hand now resting on her cheek. ''Ya have nothin' to be sorry for..''

It was then that he leaned in to kiss her. Only at the last moment did he figure out what he was doing and instantly his eyes flew wide open and he very nearly launched himself away from her. ''W..wh-wh-okay! I did not-!'' He let her go then and moved backwards quite a bit. A cough left him. ''I don't- I mean yer not- It's just-''

Ugh.

[Deleted]

He didn’t like it…but he didn’t like it? What, Marcus wasn’t sure that made sense. But the way he explained it… “So…what, you’re putting yourself up as some sort of martyr so other people can be happy? And ‘sacrificing’ yourself for them?” That sounded more like… “Do you have any idea how conceited that is?” She had to wonder, given his typical attitude.

Marcus wouldn’t know if vanity was something girls liked, she wasn’t one, but she did know that arrogance, conceit, and self-centeredness were things that people in general didn’t like. This guy….Marcus didn’t hate him, but he needed an attitude adjustment, for serious.

“I’m doing it anyway,” she insisted, because Marcus thought she had plenty to be sorry for, and she wanted him to know that she knew that, at least. That she realized that she fucked up, and that she had no plans to do it ag—

Eh? As he leaned in closer, Marcus froze, unsure if she was reading him right. Was he going to…? But didn’t he….? Her lips were left slightly agape and her eyes fluttered shut once he was close enough to feel his breath on her skin. When nothing happened….And then shouting…and pushing away….? Marcus stepped back to keep herself from stumbling and she stared back at him with wide eyes and an expression that said….she didn’t really know how to react to that. Her pale face was tinted pink. Marcus was certain that Lucas was straight, but….well, she didn’t blame him for being a bit confused when it came to a girl who was really a guy. She didn’t blame anyone for being confused about it, actually.

Marcus smiled and started giggling, dropping her forehead into her palm and quickly devolving into full-on buckets of laughter. “You….you doofus!” she said through her chuckles. “Whatever you were trying to do….” She straightened, starting to calm down. “…..it’s just a kiss,” she said glibly. “No need to freak out over it. Or aren’t you a man?” Marcus stuck out her tongue at the flustered teenager. Really, he was silly.