Talk To Me! (Ray)

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Maybe it would have gone on that way and maybe Ray would have lost a dear friend over a stupid comment tossed around without a thought. Raylaigh felt the tears dripping off his chin and realized his own selfishness and foolishness would have been at fault. He probably would have keep on pretending to be busy and avoid Nao until he graduated and there would have been nothing he could have done to right it again after that. He was grateful for Nao’s courage now, he was simply a coward, a pathetic coward. He could barely take care of himself, it was only took a simple phrase to turn him into a quivering creature, completely cowed. If anything, it darkened Ray’s mood even further. What must Nao think of him? No words would fix his doubt and it hovered in his mind always, but he felt so broken, all of it falling out at Nao’s feet.

The strength of Nao’s apology felt wasted on him. Ray didn’t know how he’d gotten the friendship of Nao, but he knew now that to throw it all away would be worse than any pain that came from it, if this pain was anything to judge by. And Nao hadn’t hit him. It was a wonder that drove his mind further into confusion. Instead of reassurance Ray shivered with indecision. He couldn’t do anything but forgive Nao, but well, now Nao knew all of Ray’s insecurities. Well, not all of them… Would Nao hate him for being so weak? If Nao knew about Jack, surely he would think so. Ray bit his lip and closed his eyes his hands gripping at Nao’s shirt, feeling his heartbeat. How could he do this to his friend? Jack was right, Ray just ruined everything.

Ray shook his head and tried to pull away, but Nao’s grip on his shirt held him fast. Now that he couldn’t believe. “Okay,” he sniffled, his voice flat and unconvinced. He dropped his face in shame and looked at their feet. New tears brimmed in Raylaigh’s eyes but these were not of sadness but of joyful surprise. His eyes lifted and he caught Nao’s smile and it warmed his heart. “But…” Ray started but Nao moved his hand. Ray stiffened his eyes watching Nao’s hand. The smile reassured him. Nao didn’t have that scary look in his eyes, nor did the soft smile look like the sadistic grin that Jack had a lot. He relaxed at Nao’s soft touch and closed his eyes, unable to bear the shame of looking at his friend. Raylaigh shook his head and shook with fresh tears. It was still there. He would do something and it would convince Nao that he was useless and pathetic and then Nao wouldn’t like him anymore.

It seemed that there was a lot of water behind the floodgates and once they’d been cracked Ray couldn’t close them. He wrapped his arms around Nao and buried his face his Nao’s shoulders as he cried. How on earth was he supposed to explain why he was still upset. Oh god, why did Jack have to leave? Why did he have to know Jack in the first place? What if Nao wanted more from him? What would he tell him then? Raylaigh wasn’t sure what he was even crying for now, maybe his own delusions and his own fears. Maybe it was seeing Jack in Nao. Whatever it was, Ray couldn’t stop it. Finally with a shaky voice it came out: “Why?” A large word indeed. Why didn’t Nao think he was useless when everyone else did? Why was Nao so kind to him? Why? What were his motives?

[Deleted]

Naozumi was sad before, scared that he was going to lose his best friend. He was hurt from being pushed away so forcefully without even knowing why. He was only a sixteen year old boy, and he was having such intense an irrational emotions flung at him without the slightest explanation. Naozumi would be lying if he said he wasn't frightened by it. But he didn’t want to run…because he didn’t know when or if he would see Ray again if he did that. Though, just because he didn't run, didn't mean he wasn't scared, or hurt, or that he didn’t feel like running. Because that would still be a reasonable response to someone telling you to go away, especially to a sixteen year old boy who didn’t know what to do with all these emotions coming at him all at once.

But Nao was too afraid of losing Ray - of losing his best friend, someone who’d grown so incredibly important to him - to do that. And he'd no idea is any of his words were effective at all. 

Ray seemed responsive though. But he didn't know if it was a good response or a bad one, because he started crying all over again. Nao wanted nothing more than to just take the older boy in his arms and hold him, kiss him, wipe his tears and tell him everything would be all right. As it was, Nao wasn't sure if what he was doing already, gripping to Ray's shirt and pressing up against him, was too much in itself. It wasn't until Ray wrapped his own arms around Naozumi that he felt like he could breath in some relief. As Ray shifted, Nao loosened his own grip on Ray and slid his arms around Ray as well, holding his head down gently against the shoulder Ray was sobbing into. Nao didn’t want Ray to cry…but it seemed like he needed to. Over something. The situation? What Nao said? Did it matter? He wasn’t pushing Nao away and was letting the younger boy comfort him in his distress. That was the important thing, right?

Nao held him there for what seemed like a good while…or maybe it wasn’t that long? Either way, Nao just kept rubbing circles onto Ray’s back in what he hoped was something soothing. Nothing much, but just enough to let him know that he was still there, and he wasn’t leaving. When the question came, Nao was confused for a moment of it’s context. ‘Why?’ Why what? Why did he think that way about Ray? Nao took a breath, considering for a moment what he should say. But the answer came a lot easier than he thought. “Because….you’re my best friend,” he started, brushing his fingers through Ray’s hair as he held the boy’s head down. “If I didn’t think you were worth being around, then I wouldn’t. If I didn’t enjoy your company, I wouldn’t have it.” He sighed and dipped his head slightly, resting it to the side against Ray’s. “…I’m not great at talking to people. I’m not great at relating to them either.” It’s why he was so often blunt when he spoke, about things that most people might respond to with tact or expression.

“Since I met you, I’ve been getting better, I think. I’m better at expressing myself and at speaking up about things. I’m….” He hesitated. “I’m more comfortable with…certain parts of myself….that I’ve been avoiding for a long…long time….” Nao’s arms tightened around Ray as he spoke, trying to find the courage to finish. “And….I don’t know….why you don’t notice…or say anything…or make a big deal of it….but…” Nao was trembling again, tears starting to stream from his eyes again as he gripped even tighter. “It just…makes me…really happy….and thankful…t-to have you as…as a friend…” He sniffled. “So..t-that’s why…I guess….” God, what had he just gone and said? Nao’s face was red and he was shaking and terrified of how Ray was going to take any of that.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

There was nothing Ray could do to stop it, the tears just wouldn’t stop coming. He was so filled with emotion that mixed from sadness to relief and happiness. Nao didn’t think he was worthless, that almost seemed like too much to believe and yet Nao was here and as Raylaigh felt Nao arms close around him, he felt safe. The flyer shook and leaned into Nao, soaking his shirt with his tears. The feel of those gentle hands around him almost broke the flyer down worse than before. He’d never been touched so gently, even Jack’s ‘comfort’ had been strong and harsh. Slowly, but surely the tears started to wane and Ray was stuck momentarily in that state where dry sobs caused him to gasp and slowly he struggled to regain a fraction of sense. It was here he asked his question.

Ray’s hold on Nao tightened and he didn’t look up but he relished the feel of Nao’s comfort and the warmth of his words. Ray leaned his head toward Nao’s and he felt a sense of relief, if not sureness, in Nao’s words. “You’re my best friend too,” he said his hands gripping the fabric of the back of Nao’s shirt. How could he have been so cruel to his friend? Maybe he was what Jack said? Or maybe he was worse, maybe he was like Jack? “I’m sorry, I hurt you.” He said, for it he didn’t apologize then he was worse. But shouldn’t he had not hurt Nao in the first place? His mind spun and it threw him from place to place in a tempest. It threw him from one emotion to anther and if felt as if only his hold on Nao kept him from being lost in it.

Ray’s head lifted a little bit, his eyes puffy and red from crying and his cheeks streaked with tears. He had no idea that he had that affect on Nao, nor was he sure what Nao was talking about. He looked at Nao out of the corner of his eye, not wishing to make their heads break contact. As Nao struggled to get the words out, Ray held him and waited. Confusion crossed over his face and he tried to think of what Nao was talking about. Raylaigh racked his brain and tried to figure out what Nao was talking about. Ray hesitated and turned his head a little bit so he could look at Nao. Nao looked nervous and Ray could feel him shaking. “Nao,” he said gently, “What are you talking about?” He couldn’t figure it out, he was dense, Nao knew that, he’d seen Ray try to reason his way through a problem before. And they both knew Ray could’t reason his way out of a paper bag. Unless of course Nao was saying what he thought he was.

The tears had dried up, but the fear and sadness remained. But Nao gave him courage. Maybe even after all this time, Nao hadn’t noticed that Ray was taking advantage of him, by ‘teaching’ him how to kiss. Truth was, Nao didn’t need any help, at least not anymore. He easily took Ray’s breath away, could it be about that? Maybe Nao was straight and not sure how to tell Ray he didn’t want to kiss him anymore? Maybe? Maybe? He returned Nao’s favor and rubbed Nao’s back. Raylaigh was stunned, he’d been so caught up in his own emotions and his own sadness that he hadn’t even realized that Nao was struggling. Did that make him a bad friend?

[Deleted]

“Okay,” he said softly, rubbing his head slightly against Ray’s and closing his eyes in relief. Ray was sorry for it, but that didn’t mean that there was something wrong. Rather, that there was something disconcerting about how he reacted to something that shouldn’t have been such a big deal. Naozumi wanted to ask. He desperately wanted to know why Ray felt that way, why he thought the things he thought…but he wasn’t going to force the issue any more than he already had. Nao got what he wanted, and that was confirmation that the two of them were okay. They were okay. Anything more…if Ray wanted to talk about it more, then Nao would be right there and ready to listen.

It’s what made Nao feel like a terrible person himself for answering like he did. Because here was Ray, upset and shaking and so vulnerable, and Nao was dumping his own problems on to him. He hadn’t meant to do that, but somewhere in the process of trying to explain himself to Ray, it took a direction he’d been trying to avoid for a long while now. Nao’s problems were probably not half as bad or troublesome as Ray’s, hence why he never spoke of them or even hinted that they existed in the first place. But then again, Naozumi himself didn’t completely realize how much they’d been bothering him until he was tasked with speaking of them out loud…and he found he couldn’t do it.

Naozumi shook his head into Ray’s shoulder, trying to calm himself enough to find his voice again. What was he talking about…? That was a tall order for Nao to explain…and he couldn’t do it. “I….” His voice cracked as he spoke. “….I can’t say it. Not yet. So…please….” Nao’s heart was thumping in his chest and up into his ears. “….let’s just….keep things how they are…right now.” It hurt, thinking that the only way he could continue to be by Ray’s side was to not say anything about his own feelings. That he was gay. That he liked Raylaigh so terribly much that just the thought of being rejected made him swallow his words. It wasn’t just a ‘like’ anymore either. At some point, it’d become a lot more than that. And Nao….he just didn’t know what to do with those feelings.

This was fine, he told himself. What they had right now, this strange sort of friendship of theirs where kissing was just another thing they did together was fine. “We’re okay….right?” he asked, wanting to hear that small bit of reassurance. Nao pulled away from Ray’s shoulder slightly, though continued to lean his head to the side against Ray’s.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Ray closed his eyes and a small smile peaked out of his lips. Were they okay? Did this mean they could be friends again? Raylaigh hoped so. He was sorry he’d blown this all way out of proportion, the mix of the harsh words and the violence he’d seen in Nao before had triggered something he hadn’t realized was a desperate problem. Maybe when he scolded himself in silent it was because people never said anything to him. Maybe there was something wrong with him that made him think people were lying. But he couldn’t stop that nagging itch that told him that they were lying. But Nao… Nao wasn’t lying. Was he? He was a much better liar than Ray had ever thought if he was, so Ray let it drop. Nao wasn’t lying. He would have to work to convince himself of that but he was going to work on it.

No one’s problems were greater than another’s, because the problems were all relative to the person. Nao might think his problems were dwarfed by Ray’s, but if they upset Nao then Ray wanted to know about them. He wanted to help his friend, the way his friend had been here to listen to him. He was ashamed that he hadn’t realized that Nao was having issues before now. He patted Nao’s back and was startled to feel him shaking his head. Worry and misunderstanding raced through Ray and he wondered what Nao found so distressing that he didn’t want to share it with Ray. “Nao…” Ray said uncertainly and closed his eyes against the truth. “Sure.” Keeping thing the way they were, Ray could do that. So did that mean that Nao wasn’t sure that confiding in Ray was the right thing. Shame closed around Ray, maybe, maybe he’d keep Jack to himself.

Or maybe it would help Nao talk about it? Ray shook at the mere idea of telling someone about Jack. It had been such a tightly kept secret when Jack was here and now that he was gone it hadn’t seemed to be a problem. No one knew, not even his siblings, who he had told he was gay, certainly not his mother and most certainly not his father. His father would probably yell at him for not standing up for himself. Ray hugged Nao again and nodded. “Yeah, we’re okay.” He held onto Nao, his emotions jumping back and forth, he wanted to tell Nao, to explain some of his behavior to him, but what if Nao judged him? He looked at Nao, stepping back and forcing a smile on his face. He’d hold his secret close to his heart. He was just sorry that his crazy problems dragged Nao down with them.

“Nao…” Ray started and he dropped his eyes and bit down on his tongue. He wanted so badly to tell someone, to have someone to share his burden with, but his problems had already caused him to doubt Nao, what if Nao made the connection and got angry to Ray would think those things of him. He opened his mouth but the words died, he was worried if he let them out that he’d never be able to stop them. He closed his mouth and pulled away from Nao forcing a smile on his face. They were okay. Yes. In his head he heard the memory whisper, “That’s right, Ray, no one will believe you. No one will care. But I care, don’t you see that’s why I do this?” He shuddered at the memory and his hand went to his cast. He hated himself, not because he let himself be used, not because Jack struck him down again and again. He hated himself because despite all of that, Raylaigh loved him.

[Deleted]

Knowing more about the situation and what caused it in Ray would probably have been the best thing. Then Nao would have known that it wasn’t just the words he’d said to Ray, but also his overall attitude during that fight, and the fact that he’d been fighting at all. Those things too never even occurred to Nao as being a part of the problem. If only Ray would just trust him…and talk to him…maybe they could work out some of these issues?

But of course, miscommunication seemed to be a trending thing between these two. Naozumi was talking about something else completely, and Ray interpreted it as him being unwilling to be a confidant to the older boy. Nao thought he was being clear about it…but then again, he knew he was being vague as well. On purpose, because it was something he was uncomfortable with saying out loud. Nao took a moment to breath in Ray’s scent, feeling his nerves start to calm now that he’d gotten all that out. “One day….one day, I will though,” he continued. “Okay?”

Keeping things how they were. Nao wanted that. Keep them as friends. Keep them as close friends. Best friends. Kissing partners. If something else came from it, then they’d deal with it when it happened, but for now…they were friends, and didn’t have to change a thing.

“Okay…” he said, holding his friend warmly. Nao held him there a bit longer, simply enjoying their contact, then opened his eyes at the sound of his name. “Hmm?” Was there something else? But like this, Nao couldn’t see the struggle Ray was having in forming his words, in how much trouble he was having in speaking about his worries. And when they pulled away from each other, Nao let his hands slide down Ray’s arms and took hold of the older boy’s hands in each of his own, then looked up at Ray to see a strained smile on his face. But it was still a smile. Nao blinked up at Ray, curious as to why he said his name as if to start saying something important. Maybe? Or Perhaps Nao was just reading it wrong again.

Naozumi let his shoulders relax and dropped his head slightly, a small smile crossing his lips. “Okay,” he said again. Nao wasn’t even the slightest bit sure where to take things from here. He was just glad they were okay. “Do you want to go downstairs?” he asked, quiet and meek, swinging their hands slightly between them. “We can rest in…in my room, if you want….?” Nao blinked up to look at Ray. Had Ray even been in Nao’s room before? He couldn’t remember.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Ray thought he was usually a trusting person, but perhaps he was just lying to himself as well. He avoided the conflict because that had been what had gotten him in trouble with Jack. He’d been conditioned to not talk about things that upset him because in the end it would upset Jack and when Jack got upset Raylaigh paid for it. Ray wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Nao about Jack, he was still afraid that Nao would judge him. Initially when Nao had just been defending himself it was one thing but then he went on and it looked as if Nao enjoyed it. Raylaigh shivered, despite himself and hugged Nao tighter. Raylaigh wasn’t even aware that keeping things from friends and partners was not what a relationship was based on.

Disappointed, Ray found he had to accept that Nao didn’t want to tell him. Despite wanting to press the issue, Ray nodded, “Yeah.” Then after a moment added, “Nao, you know you can tell me anything, right? I’ll never judge you.” He wouldn’t because he wouldn’t want to be. Nao was his best friend and he was so thankful that he’d been around today before this could have escalated any further. Ray let his head rest back down against Nao’s shoulder, emotional weariness striking him down. He just wanted to sleep this all off, to wake up and be back to the old Ray. One that was confident and didn’t have to pretend to be happy. Ray knew he came off as arrogant a lot, but well, it was his own way of making himself feel confident.

Raylaigh backpedaled quickly from the idea of telling Nao and he closed his eyes and shrugged as if he hadn’t had a reason to say it at all. He recovered in time to face Nao and he squeezed Nao’s hands, a little awkwardly as his wrist and part of his hand was covered in the cast, but entwining their fingers. He suppressed the breath of relief when Nao didn’t press. He needed more time, he wasn’t sure he was ready to be that exposed, even to Nao. Nao had his own problems he didn’t need Ray’s. No matter how desperately Ray wanted to tell him. There was something wrong with him. Even though he remembered how it felt, when Nao had yelled at him he had tried calling Jack, as usual it only went to voicemail and never did he receive a call back. Maybe Jack had thrown him away, decided even he couldn’t stand Raylaigh. The one person who loved him deemed him to worthless to care about.

Shaking off the thoughts, Ray focused on Nao and found courage from his smile. Ray sniffed and realized he probably looked horrible and his nose was running now. Ray didn’t think he’d ever been in Nao’s room and he was surprised and also pleased. “Sure,” he said and gave Nao a warm smile, hugging him tightly again. “I’m glad you didn’t give up on me,” he said, for surely other people would have been so put off by Ray’s behavior that they would have called it a lost cause and let him deal with his problems on his own. Releasing Nao, Ray started toward the door. Of course, dignity was not something he was allowed to have and he barely made it two feet before he tripped over a wire. “Shit,” he muttered frustrated as his feet slipped on the gravel and he found himself on his hands and knees. He grumbled as he pushed himself to his feet, he just wanted this day to be over! He stalked purposefully across the roof, his only purpose in life was to make it off of his godforsaken roof intact.

[Deleted]

Hearing the offer, those kind word of presumed understanding, did put Nao’s heart a little more at ease…while at the same time, it tore at him. “Thank you,” he said, holding onto Ray and dipping his head slightly. “That makes me….happy.” And like he could trust Ray a little more to be okay when he finally said it. Because he was going to say it….it was just… “….I’m…just not ready,” he said with a bit of a shake in his voice. “So please….don’t think it’s because I don’t trust you…” Because he did. Nao was just scared.

Nao had hoped that after this incident that maybe Ray would trust him more as well. But maybe it was still to early to expect that. There was something there, Nao had a vague impression there there must be something more to this than Ray was saying already…but just as he didn’t want Ray to push, Nao assumed that Ray didn’t want Nao to push either. They would talk when they were ready. At least, that’s what Nao was hoping for. Though…maybe he better say it too, just so Ray understood? The last thing Naozumi wanted was for another misunderstanding to arise between them.

Naozumi took in the next embrace, smiling from his relief. “I would never give up on you,” he reassured the boy. Maybe it was selfish of him, but Ray had become too important to Nao for him to give up on him so easily. He never would for the mere fact that he didn’t want to risk them being separated. That thought alone motivated him to keep trying.

They started towards the door, but not two steps in, Nao was turning around to find his friend crawling on his hands and knees upon the gravel of the rooftop. Gravity and clumsy feet strike again, it seemed! “Are you okay?” Nao asked with a small snicker, hiding his smile with his curled fingers. He waited for Ray to pull himself together before turning again towards the door back inside. Once inside, however… Nao turned again to Ray, arched his chin up, and pressed their lips together, gently and sweetly. “Ray…” he started once he pulled away. “If there’s anything I do, or say, that you don’t like or makes you uncomfortable….please tell me.” He reached up and pressed away some residual dampness from Ray’s eyes with the soft of his thumb. “I want to know what hurts you…and when you’re hurt…” Nao kept his hands there, and rested their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong. You can trust me too. Okay?” There, he said it. Nao hoped that was enough.

Once they parted, Naozumi would continue to lead the way downstairs to the boy’s dormitories and to his own room marked number 501.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Watching Nao seem to struggle with whatever it was he was not telling Ray was a strange situation. This would be on Ray’s mind for a while and even someone as forgetful as he was wasn’t likely to forget that his friend was struggling. He just knew that if someone pressured him to tell a secret then he would most likely balk and he didn’t want to pressure Nao the way he would hate. He reached out a hand and rubbed Nao’s arm comfortingly, “It’s okay, Nao,” he said and meant it even more when Nao explained further. How was it that Nao was able to read him like a book? Was it that obvious what he was thinking? Raylaigh knew he was expressive but he’d hoped he was good at concealing them at least a little bit, oh well. He knew how that felt, it was the way he’d felt when he’d first come out. “I understand,” he said softly, knowingly.

Raylaigh tightened his hold on Nao and wished he had the words to say how much that meant to him. He just wanted things to be alright again. Why did things like this have to keep happening to him? He hated the part of him that kept missing Jack, he hated the part of him that made him afraid that Nao was going to be just like him. His heart couldn’t take it if love meant being so hurt again. What if he did say something and Nao decided he wanted to hide and again Ray had to hide it. But then Nao had kissed him in pubic? Did that mean he didn’t care? Or was it something else? Raylaigh mind spun, he was no good at thinking and this was far too much of a puzzle!

Ray popped back to his feet and brushed off his knees. He caught the snicker and at first shot his friend a glare but upon seeing Nao’s attempt to hide his smile, Ray couldn’t help it. His face broke into a smile and he let out a laugh. It sounded weary after so many tears but it was genuine. “Yeah,” he assured, “I was just testing gravity.” The joke was an attempt to keep this light attitude and even as Ray stalked off the roof, his anger at his own feet burning. Inside and safe, Ray turned to Nao and his heart hammered and he fell into the kiss. It ended far too soon and it was a good thing Nao said his name because his brain had momentarily short circuited in surprise. He blinked and sniffled again, Nao was so sweet, Ray felt like he was going to start crying all over again. He closed his eyes and he wanted nothing more than to give in to Nao, to tell him everything to just have his whole life pour out for the Asian.

Swallowing, Ray’s heart hammered and he started to feel a twinge of fear. What if Nao didn’t like what he had to say? “Okay,” Ray managed to get out his voice shaking. He hesitated for a moment before following after Nao. He shook and his mouth felt dry, the what if’s flew around his mind, barraging his thoughts with fear and uncertainty. All the way they walked Ray’s mind was in battle. One moment he’d decided to tell Nao the next he’d thrown it out. He went back and forth on this until they reached Naozumi’s room and Raylaigh realized there was no excuse, no excuse, save his own fear. And would Nao really want to know this? Would he really want to know if it meant telling him that he was afraid of Nao? If it meant that Nao thought Ray saw him as a violent person. He didn’t, but ever since he’d seen what Nao was capable of he’d been terrified of what Nao might do if he got angry. Instead of saying any of these things he blurted, “I don’t think I’ve ever been to your room before.”

[Deleted]

Having Ray simply understand and let it be was the best thing for Nao right now.  He would go at his own pace, and say things when he was ready.  Just knowing that Ray would be there to listen when he was finally ready made him feel much lighter.  Ray really did have a positive effect on Nao, just like he’d said earlier to the boy.  Nao hadn’t been lying in the slightest. The proof of that was in those public kisses themselves, and that he’d been okay afterwards.  Nao never thought he’d be able to do that so easily.  Not that it was easy, Naozumi was still anxious from it, but he’d gone and done it anyway, and everything had turned out fine. 
 
But he still wasn’t completely okay.  And that was the reason why he couldn’t say it.  Seeing couples around Hammel had also contributed to Nao becoming more comfortable with that part of himself.  They were fine, there was no reason for Nao to think that he wouldn’t be either.  That they wouldn’t be.  If that ever happened, Naozumi wasn’t even sure he was ready for something like that even if he was comfortable. And besides, he still didn’t know if for certain if Ray was gay or just being a really good friend by letting Nao kiss him. Though even if it was the former, there was still no guarantee that Ray would accept him in that way either. Best keep a lid on it for now, until he was…better.

Naozumi breathed in the kiss, savoring even the tiniest of sensations which became of it. He’d been waiting weeks to do that, and the amount of relief it brought him, that Ray hadn’t pushed him away and that they could still do this sort of thing, even at a moment’s notice…the relief was unimaginable. “Okay,” he echoed, releasing the older boy with a smile and turning to head downstairs. He hoped that what he said would prevent any future misunderstandings as well. Or if it wasn’t a misunderstanding, then they could work it out? Something like that. Talking was just something they needed to do…though Nao fell pretty short in that area himself, and in overall keeping himself open to others, so perhaps it wasn’t for him to judge?

Take, for instance, the fact that Ray hadn’t ever been inside Nao’s room in the whole year they’ve known each other. Nao stood at the door when Ray made that revelation, turning to him with wide eyes, as if he’d just been told a surprising secret. “You haven’t?” he asked, as if he didn’t quite believe it. Then again, it probably wasn’t that unlikely, especially for Nao, who managed to live a whole year with his roommates before learning their names. Though it did make Naozumi wonder what else he’d forgotten to tell Ray about.

The room was mostly plain. A bookshelf was on one wall with various notebooks, textbooks, and an assortment of language reference books stowed on it. The bottom shelf had a small collection of manga that Nao had gained an interest in. His laptop stood closed on his desk, which was devoid of anything else on it save for another notebook and pen beside. On the wall above his bed was a rack made to hold his colored belts, which he’d gained over the years. A black one sat proudly at the top of the rack where it was once empty before. That one was just for display, the real one was folded on top of his aikido gi and hakama, which itself was folded on it’s own small table next to the desk. Naozumi turned around, a slight blush reaching his cheeks. “Sorry, there’s not a lot here. I don’t have people over much.” He send Ray a small smile. “Just make yourself comfortable. I have snacks too, if you’d like.” Nao felt awkward. He was so rarely a host for reasons other than studying.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

The tree of doubt was tall and strong and yet just the slightest sign of wear started to appear on its sturdy, wicked trunk. Nao had struck it and it had yielded, which caused it to lose its greatest power, for once the tree started to wither it would be easy to break it’s hold. But the tree was strong and old, it would be difficult even still to dislodge. The first signs of rot needed to be nurtured and cared for as well as the tree itself had been cared for by Jack. This one conversation wasn’t going to break the hold Ray’s old boyfriend had on him, but it was the first step forward in healing all that had been done. One day the tree may die and one day Ray’s confidence may shine with truth and not as a mask to hide his fears.

Somehow Raylaigh had allowed himself to imagine he was the only one that suffered, but hearing how Nao suffered made him realized that even as the tree grew strong in him, the vines of its creation wrapped around everyone and choked them with fear. How was he to say that his suffering was any more or less justified than Nao’s. He couldn’t, only that it was different. It was different and it was important to him, just as Nao’s unspoken plight was important to him. Strangely, Nao’s plight was important to Ray as well. He knew it when they kissed and he knew it more when they drew apart and he longed to tell Nao everything. How was he going to break down the walls of secrecy? Perhaps he had, perhaps they’d already dropped and he hadn’t realized.

“No,” Ray confirmed with a shake of his head. It was strange to think about, Nao came to Ray’s room all the time, but Ray hadn’t been to Nao’s yet. He didn’t think about what that might mean. It was so different. Jack had been to Ray’s rooms and he had occupied a space there, and Ray came to Jack’s room, with hesitation because there was Jack’s domain and he could not be denied there. Those moments only happened in the dark of the night, when no one could have seen, no one would have known. It killed Ray to see Jack out and about during the day and watch the older boy dismiss him. Even the few times he’s dared approach with a lie of needing help he’d been met with anger, dismissal, even denied the courtesy of Jack’s pretend kindness. Ray’s thoughts were blanked out as he took in Nao’s room, absorbing the details.

There were books everywhere, so many text books and just when Ray was sure Nao didn’t do any reading just for pleasure he was proved wrong by the pictured covers on the bottom shelf. Raylaigh had never read manga, but he recognized it when he saw it and glanced at Nao appreciatively. What really called his attention was the neat and proudly displayed colored bands. Ray honestly didn’t make the connection until he saw the karate uniform, he honestly had no concept of the differences in the fighting arts nor in what the uniforms were called, other than that he’d seen them in the movies. “Are those…” He moved to get a closer look and reached out a hand as if he would touch them, before scolding himself that there was a possibility that Nao would not appreciate Ray touching them. “Are these, belts?” He asked turning back to Nao.

He could guess, but he didn’t know. With the skill and fierceness Nao showed at that fight told Ray that he already knew the answer to that question. He shivered involuntarily and swallowed. Nao wanted to know if things bothered him. The fighting… it had, it had bothered him a lot. He didn’t doubt that Nao was accomplished and he couldn’t possibly ask Nao to stop when he was so obviously proud of it, and Ray guessed, by extension loved it. He couldn’t do that to Nao. He swallowed his fears realizing he’d been staring at the belts for a while. He hopped up on Nao’s bed and leaned back on his one good hand, leaving his casted one resting at his side. “What kinda snacks ’ve you got?” He could eat all the time, but especially when he was upset.

[Deleted]

Nao would say that it didn’t mean anything that he’d never invited Ray to his room before. It always just seemed that they ended up in Ray’s room whenever they decided to hang out or study. That’s what Naozumi would argue, and hence it never occurred to him to have them come to his room instead. It just became a habit by this point. Though in truth, it might have been due to those same issues that Nao was troubled with before. Rather, in Nao’s tendency to close himself off to other people, such that it was only someone as close to him as Ray was that would even see the full spectrum of his expressions. Nao didn’t even talk to anyone else as much as he did with Ray about things that weren’t school related or simple small talk conversations. Nao didn’t mean to be such a private person, but he also wasn’t comfortable with putting himself out there carelessly to anyone he met.

But then again…what was there to share, Nao often wondered. He didn’t think there was much of himself that people would even be interested in that he could share. Nobody wanted to know how many hours a week he spent on studying, or how he spent his free time translating random pieces of literature from the internet, or that he lurked on the IRCs to get random help with his translating, or that his favorite food was takoyaki, something that most people around here weren’t even familiar with. The only parts of himself that Nao thought people might find interesting were his martial arts…and even then, it was a topic he couldn’t share openly for the simple fact that most people couldn’t follow the specifics of his accomplishments there.

He’d passed his shodan exam. What did that even mean? he imagined people saying. To him, it was an accomplishment that he’d spent the last several years training for and had been waiting for the opportunity to open up so he could take the exam. To other people, held no more meaning than if someone said “I can eat bread.” The fact that Ray had asked about them when he saw those accomplishments brought a smile to his face. “They are,” he said simply, offering nothing else about them. Back on that day when the fight happened, Naozumi was planning on telling Ray about his upcoming exam. He’d wanted to share it with somebody. Somebody important. The results of that exam were on display now, and yes, he was proud of them. And yes, he wanted to talk about them. But he would never assume that other people wanted to hear about them. Even though it was such a strong part of himself.

Though the fact that Ray kept looking at them made Nao feel a little embarrassed, and he lowered his head with a light blush in his cheeks. Nao pulled out the chair of his desk and leaned his hands on the back end of it, intending on taking that seat once he got the snacks. “Mm…pocky, shrimp chips, trail mix, cheeze nips….my mom sent a package of stuff from home, so there’s a lot of different things.” There was even a few package anpan and omiyage style packaged rice cakes. He stepped to the closet and pulled the box from the floor and set it between himself and Ray. Nao sat down and opened it to reveal the goods. “A lot of this you can’t get in Pilot Ridge,” he said with a slight smile. He’d tried before. The few asian markets they had here didn’t have much for snacks beyond pocky and a few chips/cracker like snacks. After he'd successfully passed his exam, Nao's mother thought it appropriate to send a gift of congratulations along with the new hakama uniform. "...help yourself," he offered with a gesture.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Ray hadn’t thought about it before, he’d always just offered his room because it didn’t matter to him, he hadn’t even clued in that Nao hadn’t ever had him over, at least until now. Maybe it was just always that he was the first to offer it? Whatever the reason, here they were now and Raylaigh couldn’t help but feel like he was getting a peek into the inner workings of Naozumi. Everything was so neat, the complete antithesis of Ray’s room. Ray’s room had papers everything, half finished drawings paintings propped up against the walls and clothes strewn around and occasionally in the laundry basket. Only those sketches truly precious to him were hidden away. Other sketches were torn out of his sketch books, others stood open and were vulnerable to things Ray might put on top of them.

Raylaigh had no idea that Nao was into that kind of stuff. It made sense, retrospectively, that Nao had experience, from the way he took out that bigger guy with such little effort. Or at least it seemed little to Ray. Seeing the bright smile on Nao’s face brought one to Ray’s face. There was nothing but beaming pride on Nao’s face and the love he had for it was clear as day. Asking him to stop would be like asking Ray to stop drawing. He looked back at the belts, if only to look away from Nao. He couldn’t ask Nao to stop, he’d be no different than Jack if he did that. Jack had more than once told him he was no good, torn up his drawings or trashed his paintings. It had taken a long time for Ray to get over it and find the love again. He’d never been happy without sketching or doing something like that. Jack had stolen that from him once and he couldn’t do the same to Nao. But what could he do? Seeing Nao fighting brought with it some scary thoughts.

Now it seemed as if things had escalated and calmed and the part of Ray that longed to talk to Nao to understand why he loved fighting so much. He closed his eyes and shook away memories. The reason was vital. If it were Jack, he fought because it made him feel powerful, not just in general, but over other people. If Jack were trained like this he would beat the opponent, not to an honorable defeat, he would break every bone and shame the opponent until there was nothing left to challenge his superiority. The realization stunned Ray, as if it had been so clear and yet he hadn’t seen it until now, far beyond Jack’s reach. He looked back at Nao. “Nao… when you were fighting that guy, how did you feel?” He asked his warm brown eyes watching Nao, wanting his friend so badly to pass his test. He didn’t want to lose Nao, he loved Nao… The thought passed through his mind almost before Raylaigh caught wind of it. Love? Love. A chill raced through Ray, he couldn’t be in love, love was painful! Why would he want to be in love again?

“Shrimp chips?” Ray asked curious and leaned over to see what those actually were. “What’s pocky?” He asked plucking the package out and looking at the outside at what looked like straws. “Thanks,” he said and poked at the shrimp chips. “The only things I recognize are the cheese nips and trail mix.” He admitted and smiled sheepishly at Nao. It wasn’t fair to say he wasn’t well cultured, in fact as far as food came Ray would eat just about anything. And home in DC there was such a melting pot of different flavors and Ray and his siblings and his mom had tried just about everything.

[Deleted]

It had taken a lot of time and practice for Naozumi to get at the level he was. He’d accomplished so much by the time he was fourteen, all he needed was to wait to take his blackbelt exam. But manifesting had interrupted his progress. With this new ability behind him that he had little idea and practice on how to control, Naozumi felt like he’d taken several steps backwards in his training and had to re-learn all of it all over again. Learning how to perform those moves that Ray had seen during the fight at that speed had taken what seemed like forever. During his first few months at Hammel, Nao often fumbled them up and ended up missing his target, or falling forward and rolling across the floor, or misstepping and getting tangled in his feet. Then he’d grown over half a foot during his 15th year, and that had set him back again, after he finally started getting a handle on it. None of it was easy. And it had taken all of Naozumi’s concentration to perform at that quick speed during that fight. It was for that reason that Naozumi yelled at Ray, in fact. His concentration was broken unexpectedly, and that meant that he couldn’t perform at the level he should have.

If Nao had known that yelling at Ray would bother him so much…he would have apologized immediately for it and explained.

Hopefully things like that wouldn’t happen anymore. Or if they did, then they could trust each other enough to say something about it. Because Naozumi didn’t want their friendship to end over a simple misunderstanding. He didn’t want to feel like he had today ever again.

Naozumi didn’t love fighting, however. He enjoyed practicing the martial art, and he appreciated being able to defend himself and others when he had to. To say he enjoyed violence….he did enjoy testing himself, and so possibly that could be done through his fighting. But he also didn’t like causing pain to others unnecessarily, so they sort of canceled each other out. Sort of.

Nao was a mite confused over Ray’s question, however, because it was just…it was an unusual question, wasn’t it? Naozumi lowered his head, thinking, as this was surprisingly as question he had to consider quite a bit over. He knew what he wanted to do, and why he wanted to engage in that fight; it was definitely to protect Ray. Though as he thought of what might have happened if that guy had decided to go after Ray instead of Nao… “….I was angry,” he admitted softly. “…at myself, for getting us into that situation in the first place. And, at him, because….” Nao’s voice grew more quiet as he struggled with the small confession. “Because he…he hurt you…….and that scared me.” That was as close to a declaration of his feelings he was going to manage right now. Naozumi didn’t know if he would be able to say more. Nao sighed and shook away his worries with a shake of his head. He didn’t want to be upset over that anymore. So she showed Ray a smile instead and tried to take that topic in a different direction. “It’s for times like that that I started practicing Aikido in the first place,” he said.

“That’s pocky,” he said, pointing to the package. “It’s a Japanese treat. Try one.” Nao reached in and grabbed the bag of shrimp chips. They were one of his favorites, honestly, and while they did sell them here at the asian market, they didn’t have the brand that Nao preferred. Spoiled a little? Maybe. But it was worth it in his opinion. Nao opened the bag and popped one into his mouth. “That’s okay,” he said with a small giggle. “You don’t have to try everything.” It jut left more for him, though Nao wasn’t going to say that. He wasn’t brave enough for that right now.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Raylaigh was lost. He had no idea the kind of work that went into learning martial arts. The only thing he knew was what he’d seen in movies and that it looked awesome. At least he’d thought so when he hadn’t seen his best friend looking so scary while doing it. Ray wondered why Nao had never said anything about it before now. Maybe if Raylaigh knew something ahead of time he would have been prepared for it. Perhaps not prepared, but not as shocked as he was to see little Nao, the timid and shy Asian boy taking out a man nearly twice his size. Ray had never gotten into fighting or boxing or anything. After all, one hit, even a light one and he would be like he was now, in a cast. He ran his hand over the cast and glared at it. His arm itched, it always itched and with a cast the only way to get to it was to find something long and pointy. He shook it off and focused back on Nao.

The flyer didn’t blame Nao for his hesitation. Nao had always been thoughtful and at least Ray knew he wasn’t getting a bullshit answer, that was well prepared and polished. It did give Nao time to lie though… He shook off the thought. Not everyone is a liar! He told himself frustrated, but still Jack’s voice drifted in, “They’re all lying to you… No one actually likes you.” He shook his head again and forced himself to focus on Nao as he started to speak. Ray’s heart beat like a hammer in his chest as he listened. He shook his head. “But Nao… I tripped, I was the one who pushed you into him. It wasn’t your fault,” he said confused by Nao’s blame. If Ray wasn’t so clumsy they wouldn’t have been in that mess in the first place and frankly Raylaigh felt the whole thing was his fault, which had further led him to believe Nao’s words had been meant to hurt because it was Ray’s stupid fault that that guy had attacked them.

Raylaigh blinked in surprise at the admission and he glanced down at his arm. He wasn’t looking at Nao when he smiled, Raylaigh was off in his own thoughts his mind reeling as he absently clenched and unclenched his fists. Why didn’t any of this make sense?! Was it normal for people to get angry about their friends getting hurt? Was it normal for loved ones to hit each other? Was it normal for him to feel so useless about this whole thing. “Oh,” Ray uttered almost absently before he pulled himself away from his dark thoughts and memories and looked up at Nao. “Aikido? Is that what it’s called? I’ve never heard of it.” He smiled at Nao and his warm brown eyes, still bloodshot from the tears were curious.

Ray did as suggested and plucked one out and nibbled on the tip. His face went blank for a moment and he moaned with pleasure. It was sweet, chocolaty and crunchy at the same time. “Oh my god! Where have these things been all my life?!” He demanded finishing off the one and quickly starting on another. Ray smiled and nodded, but poor Nao was not likely to have very much of the pocky left after Ray was through with it. “So this… Aikido?... is it like what you see in the movies?” He asked his smile returning and his tone brightening. He almost sounded like his old self again. He didn’t want to leave, but he also just wanted to be alone. But he wanted to be with Nao. It was his own brain, it shouldn’t be this confusing!