Talk To Me! (Ray)

[Deleted]

Naozumi didn't understand it. Was there something he did wrong to provoke Ray into acting like this? Or was Nao simply reading into it too much? The reality still was that it was nearing the end of the school year, and with that time came an endless amount of exams and projects that needed to be completed before they would all finally be let out for the summer. Naozumi was looking forward to the summer this year because he was going to be staying in Vermont for the summer, rather than taking a long, tiresome flight out of the states to his family's home in Ishigaki. While Nao enjoyed it considerable last year, he also missed out on so much by being away, including being able to spend more time with his best friend Raylaigh.

But Ray had been distant the past few weeks and Naozumi couldn't determine why. When he'd see the flyer in the halls, Ray was rushing off, presumably to class. He disappeared during their lunch hour. After school, Nao would sometimes stop by Ray's dorm room, but he never seemed to be there. At first, Nao thought that maybe Ray was just busy. Maybe he was finally stepping up his game on his studies? If that was the reason for his sudden unavailability, then Nao was proud of him and supported him wholeheartedly. It was with the wait if it meant that Ray could pass his classes with a sense of satisfaction.

But....when Ray hadn't even been responding to his texts...that was just because he was busy too, right? Sometimes Naozumi forgot he had messages too, and so might not respond to them for a while, or until he happened to hear the chime of his phone during a moment when he wasn't pre-occupied. And then he's see a list of messages that he'd missed, shoot off apologies, and engage like usual. After the third week of radio silence, Naozumi was getting anxious, however, and the idea that it wasn't just coincidence, that Ray really was avoiding him, creeped into his thoughts. But for what reason would Ray want to not see Nao? Or even talk to him? Nao couldn't fathom a reason and that had him worried that something terrible might have happened to his friend.

The idea that Ray avoiding him had something to do with the fight Nao had gotten into a few weeks ago never even crossed his mind. Because that was just a fight, right? The other guy started it and Nao was just defending the two of them.

Incidentally, Naozumi had also completely forgotten that amid that fight, he'd shouted at Ray for trying to interfere.

He was starting to...no, Nao was already long past worried at this point. When he once again came to Ray's room today, to be told that Ray was out and would probably return shortly, Naozumi couldn't helping thinking that this was his chance finally! He could wait. Waiting a few minutes was nothing he couldn't handle. Because the hope that they really had just been missing each other still sat in his mind. For all he knew, Ray would be relieved that Nao took the initiative to make sure they finally crossed paths, even for a simple exchange of courtesies. Though even as he waited in the hallway, leaning up against the wall just across from Raylaigh's dorm room door, that small seed of anxiety started to settle in again as he wondered just what would happen when the flyer returned to find Nao waiting for him.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Raylaigh hadn’t forgotten about what happened. He, in fact, was dwelling on it. He couldn’t get Nao’s angry eyes out of his head, the sharp words as he told the useless flyer to get lost. He couldn’t do anything to help anyone not even Nao and he’d angered Nao. Hurt, Ray had flown as fast as he could, leaving Nao to his own devices. He couldn’t believe it, how could this be happening to him again? Despite his best efforts he cried as he flew he was near sobs by the time he landed. Which is where things went really wrong. His vision blurred and his emotions diving like a rollercoaster, he didn’t pay attention as he could have and when he landed he came in too fast. He’d stumbled forward and landed on his hands. Which probably would have been dangerous on a normal case, but after that terrible guy had all but broken his wrist the bone was weak and as his palm hit the pavement the bones gave.

At that point he was lucky because then no one would mistake his crying to anything but agony. At least that had taken his mind off of Nao for a little bit. It was a bad landing, no one would think anything of it, and he got fixed up just as usual. So Ray had the marvelous addition of a neon blue cast on his right arm. He still had the use of his hand luckily, and the cast wasn’t even the worst he’d had because this one stopped just south of his elbow. He was actually coming back from an appointment to get the bones checked out and as expected even after three weeks he was still cast-bound. Due to his brittle bones he healed faster but they also kept his casts on longer and pumped him with calcium to make sure it was strong before they let him out of it, or else he’d be back into it the next day.

That gave him a few days to sulk and he’d vanished into his room, having been given leave from classes for a bit until the pain subsided enough for him to be functional. The pain helped him avoid thinking about it a bit but he couldn’t forget the look in Nao’s eyes and the harshness. Raylaigh was useless, Jack was right. No one could love him, Jack had, but he was the only one. Even Nao… Nao. Ray squeezed his eyes shut as he walked, he just got in the way. He couldn’t do anything right, he was just a waste of space. No wondered no one liked him, he thought, no wondered Jack had been pushed to hit him. He was aggravating and he was in the way. Recently Ray had been hit with an uncharacteristic depression and being himself out and around people was a little wearying. He was happy person usually and it was expected of him, but it was exhausting, he liked being that person and he usually was happy, but even happy people could have bad days, or months.

It had broken his heart the first time he’d gotten Nao’s texts. He couldn’t face Nao. He liked Nao and he feared Nao. He had feared Jack and he had loved him. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t do that, not again, not after everything he’d been through. He looked up at the clouds, his melancholy weighing down even his wings which rested still and folded against his ankles. He’d felt okay kissing Nao when he thought that Nao was not capable of violence but now he knew better and what was to stop him from turning on Ray, especially when Ray did something really stupid which was bound to happen sooner or later, it was just what he did. He had been doing a good job of avoiding Nao, spending time in his room or in class. He’d just stayed silent when his roommates had told him Nao was around. It worked out well, it wasn’t unusual for Ray to go out his window for a spur of the moment flight.

With a sigh, Ray trotted up the steps, he was looking forward to lying in bed and watching a movie, maybe something sad so he could cry without feeling sad because he was crying over his own life. The flyer sighed as he hit the landing and then he stopped stunned and afraid. Nao. For a moment Ray was paralyzed and he blinked and there was Jack looking at him with an expression of anger and impatience. “Well, Ray, what do you have to say for yourself?” But it wasn’t Jack, it was Nao. Ray didn’t stay to get a good look at his expression, flashing back to Jack was enough for Ray to turn his heel and run, or rather careen, back down the stairs. Maybe Nao hadn’t seen him, Raylaigh hoped and took the stairs faster than someone as clumsy as he should, skipping steps and gliding on his wings. If he could just get outside he could fly and then Nao really wouldn’t be able to catch him. Just another few steps and his hands would bang open the door and he would be outside and home free.

[Deleted]

There hadn’t been any malice behind the words that Naozumi had shouted at Ray, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t irritated for a minute with the flyer for continuing to put himself in a dangerous situation. Naozumi was distracted with Ray there, to be honest, thinking about his best friend’s safety. Well…that had been how it was at first. It was still true that Naozumi was caught up in the fight and probably not thinking about what the best course of action was. Naozumi really shouldn’t be getting in fights. His Shihan would be disappointed in him, though he’d understand as well. Because Nao had been a victim of bullying, and the boy was determined to never let himself be that again. Take care of things quickly, fight back, let them know that he wasn’t going to just take it lying down. Especially not when it was against a close friend of his. Like Ray.

Maybe he had been caught up in the idea of protecting his best friend that he became careless in how he expressed himself. But again…he was only trying to get Ray to get away to safety. And it was just one yell, one time….that wasn’t that big of a deal, right? Naozumi didn’t think so. He and his siblings yelled at each other all the time. They got angry at each other all the time. That didn’t mean that they liked each other or loved each other any less. Nor did it mean that he was going to be violent towards them either. The kind of trauma that Ray was going through over this incident was not something that Naozumi understood. Not that he couldn’t understand it…it just wasn’t a part of his own reality, and so it never occurred to him that it was a reality to someone else. Like Ray.

That’s why that incident wasn’t even the slightest bit on Nao’s mind as he waited for his best friend to return from wherever he’d gone to. He was worried, but at that moment he was enjoying fantasies of seeing Ray smile and laugh, and the two of them talking like normal to clear up whatever had been going on that caused Ray to be so unavailable. Movement from the corner of his eye drew his attention and Naozumi turned his head in time to see Ray’s back heading down the hall and down the stairs.

Why….?

He really was avoiding him! Why? Nao was stunned for a few moments, a heavy ache swelling in his chest, before he stepped forward to go after the older boy. He was moving normally at first, but as he descended the stairs giving chase to his friend, Nao started moving just a little bit faster. And then a little bit more after that. “Ray!” he called out down the stairwell. The longer the chase went on, however, the stronger that ache became, and his stomach started to sink and twist in his bewilderment. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he called out again just as Ray was about to reach the door. “Rayy!” he cried at a pitch slightly higher than normal. He almost hadn’t noticed the tears that had started to fall from his eyes. “Why are you running away from me?? I don’t understa—“ His voice choked on a sob that came out in that last syllable. He just wanted Ray to stop and talk to him, but he wouldn’t even do that. And Nao didn’t even know why!

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Seeing Nao, presumably waiting for him, Ray panicked. He probably should have acted normal and feinted illness or something and slipped into his rooms, but no he’d gone and done the stupid thing and ran like a fiend. He couldn’t think straight, he didn’t want to fall back into the same old thing. He already knew he was worthless and that he got in the way and that no one could love him. He didn’t need people to tell him that. Nao’s dismissal might have been a simple thing for anyone else but hearing it from Nao broke Ray inside. He hadn’t felt this bad since Jack had left. In fact Ray had tried to call Jack not too long ago. Just like always the phone went straight to voicemail. How had this happened to him? When did he become such a coward?

Why couldn’t Nao just get the hint and leave him alone? He heard his name called behind him and went all the faster, Nao was fast but if Ray took to the sky he couldn’t be caught. He couldn’t let this happen to him all over again. He’d been too afraid to run away from Jack, but somehow Nao behind him had become Jack and Ray felt as if by running he had sealed his fate. He was going to be in pain soon either way. The sound of Nao’s voice sent shudders through Ray’s entire body. He hesitated and glanced back his hands on the door. His heart broke, but he knew this was better than the alternative. “Leave me alone!” He shook his head and pushed the door open. The tears prickled his eyes and he broke through the door and into the sunlight.

He squinted, kept running and tried to ignore the pained sound in Nao’s voice. It wasn’t fair, why was the weather so fair and beautiful when he was feeling so down. Five steps out the door Ray gathered himself and rocketed skyward. He looked up at the clouds and wondered if anyone would think it was an accident if he flew too high and passed out. With a shake of his head he quickly shook his head, he was too much of a coward. He glanced down and then ran in the air, he was sure Nao would have given up already and so Ray slowly gained altitude and speed, feeling none of his normal joy of flight. It was heartbreaking honestly, to know that he was so far from everything and everyone he loved. But love hurt, Nao had showed him that all over again.

[Deleted]

Naozumi probably would have bought any excuse Ray had to give him without question. Even if he suspected it was a lie, he would have left it alone and probably wouldn’t have pushed the issue. Ray wasn’t obligated to share all his troubles with Nao, but Nao had hoped that he would at least trust the younger boy enough to….to say something. Anything. Anything was better than nothing, and if all Ray could come up with stories explaining them away, then fine. Nao could wait until he was ready. If Ray had asked him to give him some space for a while, Nao would have done that as well, though not without a hurt heart.

Being so obviously run away from was the last thing he expected Ray to do, and it cut like a knife right through all the pent-up emotions he held towards the older boy. And the worst part was that Nao didn’t have the slightest idea why! What happened that Ray suddenly didn’t want to see him to the point of running away? Why wouldn’t he just tell him what was wrong? If Naozumi did something wrong, he wanted to know so he could do something about it! But he couldn’t unless Ray told him.

”Leave me alone!” Ray had hollered at him. That alone was enough to make Nao freeze in his tracks from pure shock. Tears were now freely flowing down his cheeks. Ray hated him. For one reason or another, Ray hated him. And the only thing Naozumi could think of to be the reason was that he somehow found out about Nao’s feelings for him. Maybe he realized that Nao way gay and was now disgusted with the younger boy?

Nao looked out through the windows of the doors that Ray had just left through and saw the flyer take to the air. He knew he wouldn’t be able to catch him if Ray didn’t want to be caught. So there was little point in trying. Still….after another few moments of trying to make sense of what just happened, Naozumi found himself moving again. Not out the front doors, like one might expect, but back up the stairs. He climbed them as fast as his power would let him without plowing into someone else or into the wall at the end of each flight. In a mere few seconds, Naozumi burst through the doors that led out onto the roof the dormitory building. The building itself was only about 5 stories high…there was no way he would be high enough to catch Ray, no matter how fast he was…but he was going to try anyway. Naozumi spun on the roof, shielding his eyes from the bright sun and scanning the sky for any sign of his best friend.

“Raaaay?” he called out, his voice raised in question. “I’m……I’m not going to leave you alone until you talk to me! So please…..don’t….don’t run away….” His voice lost it’s volume as he uttered those last words. He had no idea when Ray would come back, but….he had to come back sometime….right?

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

With relief Ray took the sky and he swam in its depths. He hugged himself as he held himself aloft. He sniffed and stopped looking down. Nao wasn’t following and so Ray allowed the faster winds pushing him along and dry his tears to his face. There was an odd mixture of relief and loneliness now that he knew he’d gotten away. He rubbed at his eyes, how was he this pathetic, always longing for the people that hurt him. He didn’t want it! He didn’t want to do this anymore! He didn’t want to give all of his love to people that hurt him. Or to people that thought him worthless. The sound of his name reached him and he turned back startled to see Nao swirling around on the roof. His heart clenched and he wanted to go back to Nao. Nao was his best friend… had been?

Maybe just like everyone else, Nao had been faking it all along. Jack had always said that no one really liked him, they were faking and it was all an elaborate act. Ray cursed himself softly for being so fooled. But then, he sniffled again and blinked in surprise. If that were true… but if Nao was faking it, why? Why would he go through all the effort? Jack had been the only person who loved him and he’d gone. So why was Nao here. Thoughts swam in Raylaigh head and the flyer wondered if he had been deceived and if this was an even greater deceit. But to what ends? Jack had loved him and he had hit him because he loved him. Ray understood that, he was rather aggravating. But Nao… Raylaigh swore again and the plea cut into his heart and he realized he was still here because he’d already made his decision. If Nao wasn’t going to leave him alone until they spoke then, so be it.

Ray didn’t know how much time he spent in the air, but he was getting cold and the tears that came from his eyes dried in the wind and stuck uncomfortably on his cheeks. He willed his wings to move and the gravel of the rooftop crunched under his feet as he made a gentle landing. Despite everything, Ray couldn’t help but make note that this was the first fully successful landing he’d ever had. He hugged himself and pressed his casted arm against his chest. He looked at the ground his head and his wings drooped in shame. Either Nao was going to yell at him now, or he was going to yell at Ray later. It was inevitable, Ray thought and so he peaked up at Nao and braced himself, willing to take the hit if it meant staying with Nao. Slowly, Ray peaked his eyes up to look at Nao. It was then he saw that Nao was crying too... why? Raylaigh didn't understand.

[Deleted]

Nao kept his neck arched, panning his eyes across the sky, still searching from the boy with wings on his ankles zipping around like a real-life Hermes. He wasn’t….he wasn’t going to give up. He wasn’t. He couldn’t. Even if there was a legitimate reason for Ray to be avoiding Naozumi, he wouldn’t be able to leave it alone until he knew the reason why. Once he knew….maybe it could be explained. Maybe they could work it out. If they couldn’t…only after he tried and couldn’t would Nao finally remove himself from Ray’s side. He’d be heartbroken, but….no, he hope it wouldn’t come to that.

There! There he was! Nao could see him flying against the blue sky. “Raaay!” he cried again, hoping that maybe…somehow he would convince Ray to come down and just…talk. That’s all he wanted. But how long was he going to have to wait? Naozumi dropped his head and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, but those tears were quickly replaced by new ones. What….what was he supposed to do if Ray never came down…? If he just kept running? Was Nao going to have to chase him forever? Did he really want to do that? Just doing this much hurt….he couldn’t…

He wiped his eyes again, keeping his head down. His shoulders were shaking with each breath and each silent sob. Naozumi just…didn’t know what to do…

Nao heard the sound of feet skidding on the gravel. He took another shuddered breath and raised his eyes to meet up with Ray’s. The older boy looked…about as messed up as Nao did. Or at leas as much as he imagined he did. Finally getting to see him up close like this, that was the first time Nao noticed the caste around his forearm. He wiped more tears. “Y….your arm’s broken…” His voice felt raw and he could barely keep it stable enough to say what he wanted. “I…I didn’t know….w-when did t-that happen…?” Of course, there was a multitude of other things he wanted to say…but could he help it if he was more concerned about Ray’s well being after seeing that? “…I’m sorry…” he said with a slight whine, covering up his mouth with one hand in the hopes of muffling the sound. “I’m sorry…..” For what…? He didn’t even know that either, but he was.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Hearing his name again from Nao, was all it took. It didn’t matter, he liked Nao, maybe more than he liked to admit, he couldn’t just abandon him, feeling so down as he was. He didn’t realize how hard it was to sustain his flight in his distress until landing felt like taking a huge weight off of him. Ray shook his head and looked at the cast like he was just seeing it for the first time. The flyer shrugged and didn’t know what to say, it was just an observation right? This wasn’t what Nao was so insistent about talking about was it. Subconsciously Ray cradled his arm and hugged it close to his chest. Oh Nao, why did he set Raylaigh’s heart on fire and why did hearing him sound concerned fill Ray with warmth then fear?

“Don’t worry about it,” Ray said and let his arm free and waved it around as if to show it was fine. “It’s not a big deal, I… fell.” He hesitated and wondered why he was still lying. He didn’t want Nao to know that the big bully had weakened his bones so they broke when he fell. He didn’t want to see Nao angry again, not with those cold and furious glaring eyes. Even if it wasn’t directed at him, Ray felt like it was his fault. He had run into Nao which had started the whole thing, then now he’d gone and broken his arm and he didn’t want Nao to think it was because Ray couldn’t take care of himself. He was sick and tired of being treated like a fragile songbird. Even if he was fragile, he wanted to live his life.

Ray looked up at Nao, confusion crossing his face. “Why? You didn’t break it.” At least that’s what Raylaigh though Nao was apologizing for. If Nao was about to apologize for not being there to protect Ray, Ray was going to lose it. He didn’t need to be protected. He might not be strong but he could take care of himself. He didn’t need Nao or Jack or anyone else to make him feel worthy. He dropped his eyes and hugged himself again. He couldn’t lose resolve, not standing up to Jack had been what got him into that situation in the first place. “What do you want, Nao?” Maybe if he hurt Nao enough the little Asian would leave him alone. Ray’s heart broke even as he said it and he felt the tears falling across his cheeks again and mopped them with his sleeve.

[Deleted]

There was a tiny flame of hope glowing in his chest when Ray landed and started talking to him. Maybe it wasn’t….maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was? Maybe this was all just some misunderstanding? Or a bad joke? Maybe…from whatever reason Ray had that made him run upon seeing Nao…maybe their friendship could still be salvaged? Nao was inherently an optimist. Well, moreso a realist, but he wanted to be optimistic about this situation, hoping that all the fears that were swelling up from within him were just an illusion. Just because emotions were high and things would be okay once everyone calmed down.

“I can’t help it,” he said with a sniffle. He knew that Ray didn’t like being fussed over, so he wasn’t going to, but….that didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to worry. “It’s….I’m allowed to w-worry about my friends. S-so…don’t tell me not to, because I don’t know how to stop…” More tears fell, and his face flushed in his distress all over again as he tried to wipe them away. Yes, he was angry, but he more sad and that was showing through far more than any actual anger he could muster. Anger was just…not something he did often. Emotion wasn’t something he did often either. That was Ray’s privilege, to see those so much, as Naozumi’s closest friend.

At least, he hoped they were still friends. Nao shook his head. “I-I know….it’s just….it must’ve hurt. And I didn’t even know….so…sorry…” He should have been there with him. Not to protect him, maybe, because Nao did understand that these things happened, but because he wasn’t there to support him. To help. He knew it didn’t make much sense, but that’s what it was. Ray’s next words hurt. He really did…..

His lip was trembling. “I-I…j-just need to know why…..that’s all I need to know, and I’ll l-leave you alone…” Nao swallowed and tried to steady himself to finish speaking. He’d wrapped his arm across his torso to grab hold of his elbow to keep himself from shaking. “I d-don’t understand, w-why d-do you…..why do you hate me??” Nao could feel the ache in his chest reach it’s peak and he could no longer keep himself standing upright anymore. “I don’t know what I did!” he wailed. The boy crouched and closed his eyes as he awaited an answer from the other boy.

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

Ray’s expression softened and he felt bad about snapping. Raylaigh’s brows went up in surprise. He didn’t know what to say, unless Nao was a very good liar, he seemed to be telling the truth. Knowing what that meant was terrifying, what if Nao really was genuine, but then why would he do that to himself, if Ray was such a burden. He would be better off without Ray, Ray only got in the way, he was utterly useless. “Okay, sorry,” Ray said softly. As much as he might hate being fussed over, perhaps it was alright to let Nao worry, but didn’t that meant Nao didn’t think he could take care of himself? Or was it that Nao cared for his safety? But what if it just meant to Nao thought that he needed to protect Ray from everything?

Waving his hand dismissively, he shook his head. “No more than usual,” he said trying to offer his usual upbeat reassurance, but it fell flat. Ray bit his lip and wondered how everything could go so wrong. Ray hugged himself in an attempt to defend again Nao’s pained words. He had no idea that Nao cared so much, it seemed he’d done a very good job of convincing himself that Nao didn’t care. How could he have been so wrong? Tears sprang to his eyes as Nao asked him why he hated him. He shook his head and the tears fell. He closed his eyes and blurted, “Because I’m not useless, okay?! I’m not someone who just gets in the way!” He shook tears falling from his eyes as he remembered the glare in Nao’s eyes. "Stay out of this or get out of here! I don’t need your help!" “Because I can help!”

He shook and felt like any moment he was about to get backhanded across the face. Every time he’d tried to talk about what was wrong to Jack it always ended in pain for him. Even now he cowered and his hands raised defensively. “I don’t hate you, but…” he swallowed and opened his eyes to look at Nao. Shaking his head like a dog Raylaigh knew it was now or never. “I thought you thought I was worth something, but you’re just like everybody else!” He hugged himself and turned away, wishing he could fly, but his wings beat slowly and lazily, there was no lifting off his rooftop. “I’m not worthless,” he practically muttered and he put his hands over his ears but the things he was hearing were memories.

Even as Jack had held him in his protective arms, he’d whispered doubts into Raylaigh’s ears. “Don’t you know that no one actually likes you. Oh, don’t be upset, Ray, I’m different, I love you. I am the one that cares for you and loves you. Don’t you understand, I’m the only one.” Jack was the one who knew him best, if he thought Ray was worthless then who the hell would disagree. “I’m sorry, Raylaigh,” Jack said gently putting his arms around the cowering flyer as he hid his face, “I’m sorry, Ray, it’ll never happen again. I’m sorry, I just get so upset when I see you talking to him. Do you understand? I don’t want to you talk to him again.” Even though he knew better, Ray had hugged Jack to him, buried his face in his boyfriend’s chest and nodded. He knew. Ray was such a fool.

[Deleted]

If Ray knew Nao at all, then he’d know that Nao barely understood the concept of lying. He never understood what could motivate someone to do it, especially deliberately. So executing a simple white lie was unlikely for the speedster, much less coming up with such an elaborate one that required veteran acting skills. When was the last time Ray saw Naozumi cry? Nao himself could barely remember when it happened, though he had to suspect that it was last year during the spin-the-bottle game when he was forced to give his first kiss up to some girl he didn’t know. At least, that was the last time Naozumi could remember…and that time wasn’t even close to how distressed he was feeling right now.

He nodded, satisfied with that simple apology. It wasn’t everything he wanted to say or explain, but it was minuscule in comparison to everything else that was going on. “Okay…” he said in response to Ray’s deflated reassurance. They could talk about that later too…maybe…if there was a later. Besides, it was already over and done with, there was no changing it.

Naozumi cringed and prepared himself for words…what words he was expecting was unknown, but he could imagine words of disgust from finding out about Nao’s sexuality. Or maybe words of just random hate…or pity…that he had only been friends with Naozumi to make himself look good. Those didn’t even make sense, which was why he was so utterly confused. This was such a radical change in behavior, and Naozumi had no way of understanding it. When he did hear the explanation, Nao raised his head, tears still falling from his confused eyes, and stared at Ray like he was growing a second head or something. “What….?” he murmmured with an almost vacant tilt of his head.

Naozumi thought he’d get an explanation…but now he was just even more confused. He slowly rose and wiped his eyes for the millionth time since he started crying. “W…wait..when did I…?” Had he said something to make Ray think that Naozumi thought he was worthless? Or in the way? Or….? “Ray, I don’t understand,” he said in a shaky voice. “Where are you getting this from? I don’t….” He sniffled again and took a short step forward. “I don’t know what you’re talking about…!” Nao took another few steps forward, as if if he moved forward too quickly then the other boy would suddenly take off to the sky again. And if that happened then…who knew when they’d get another chance to talk?

“Ray…” he said quietly, though he wasn’t sure if Ray was listening. He was covering his ears and looking…very much like a terrified bird. Nao reached out a hand to rest gently on the other boy’s back. “Ray…Ray, talk to me, please. I don’t understand what’s going on….you know I’m not good at this sort of thing.” Nao had always been a little slow on the uptake when it came to social situations and understanding people, and he’d demonstrated this on several occasions already. He rubbed Ray’s back, hoping to calm down the flyer. “D…did I s-say something…to make you think that? Did someone else? Because it’s not true….you know that…don’t you?”

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

The distressed flyer was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice the look of apprehension on Nao’s face. If he knew what Nao was thinking this was about he would have fallen over himself to reassure Nao that that wasn’t the case. If it was then, well Ray was some very high level of cruel. He was broken, but he wasn’t cruel. If anything Ray was afraid that he’d seen Nao’s true colors. Despite everything that he knew about Nao fighting against that, Ray’s experiences brought the fear to the forefront. Ray barked out a laugh of disbelief and realized the more he tried to hold it in the more it was coming out. It was like a wall had been knocked down and now the floodgates were coming out. He couldn’t stop crying and he was verging on hysterics. What if Nao hit him? The mere idea of it was ridiculous, but the imagination of it was terrifying.

“Of course you don’t know!” Ray shot back, that was just what Jack used to say. He didn’t understand why Raylaigh was upset and if he was upset it was because Ray had done misunderstood or misinterpreted something. Never because Jack had actually done something wrong. Ray caught motion out of the corner of his eye and he realized as he was crying and trying to drive the thought of Jack from his mind that Nao had gotten closer. He flinched away from Nao’s hand, his eyes squeezing shut and waited for the inevitable. He shivered and his mind blanked at the unfamiliar touch. It was so gentle, not rough, not forcing, just a way to let Ray know he was there. The tears wouldn’t stop falling, he wasn’t used to this, it wasn’t the touch of someone afraid he was going to break, it was softer than even that.

He slowly moved his hands away from his ears and hugged himself. Why was he so messed up? No wonder Jack used to smack him, Ray didn’t make sense, it was bound to be frustrating. Raylaigh swallowed and opened his eyes to look at an equally distressed Nao. Raylaigh just wanted to fall into his friends arms and cry, he wanted to tell Nao everything, but… but what if Nao figured it out? What if Nao figured out that Ray was afraid of him, afraid of love, afraid of being hurt again. It didn’t change the fact that Nao did share some things in common with everyone else. He thought Ray was just as useless as everyone else. The flyer was basically a babe unable to care for himself. It wasn’t true, he could, he hated being weak and he hated breaking as he did. He wanted to help people too!

With a sharp intake of breath, Ray had to calm down before he could speak. “Y-you did! When we got ice cream and that guy attacked us!” Ray stared at Nao, somehow being on equal eye levels made this easier even as he shrank away from Nao unconsciously still trying to minimize the area of his body available for hitting. He shook his head and hugged himself all the tighter. “No,” he all but sobbed, he didn’t mean to break down right now but it was too much and as his mother always said ‘let the tears out, because if you don’t one day they will all pour out and you won’t be able to stop them.’ Well Ray had been holding them in and now they wouldn’t stop pouring out. He’d never been told he could take care of himself, he’d never been told he could do something. Well, with the exception of his art teacher. “E-everyone thinks that.” They think I’m pathetic and weak and useless. At least that was what Jack said.

[Deleted]

Nao had never seen Ray like this, and by this point it was starting to scare him. And he still didn’t know what had triggered him to react to Nao in such an emotional way. What was it? If Nao knew then maybe….maybe he could help? Or maybe it was all as unsalvageable as it seemed. Nao flinched when Ray shouted at him. W-what was he supposed to do with that? He was being blamed and guilted for not automatically knowing what was wrong? He should have known, of course….if Naozumi was any sort of friend to Ray, then he should be able to look back and realize what happened….was the fact that he couldn’t proof that they weren’t as close as he thought they were? The thought only made more tears fall. “I-if I d-don’t know…then I don’t know…that’s….” Nao couldn’t finish his sentence. His throat was getting too sore to swallow much less continue to explain himself.

His hand froze for a moment when Ray flinched from his touch. Why would he do that? That small action was just one more stab into the young Asian’s heart. At least he didn’t pull away completely…or run away…or knock away his hand…or tell him to stop….that at least put some of his mind at ease, even if just a little. A small sign of relief swept over his face when Ray turned to look at him. That was good, right? Naozumi didn’t know. His own eyes still felt hot and swollen and his cheeks were still damp from that last eruption of tears.

He didn’t move his hand from Ray’s back when the flyer finally seemed to be calming down. In fact, he had to hold himself back from simply stepping forward and wrapping both arms around the distressed boy. But…he didn’t know yet if that was too much. Him pushing forward too hard…too quickly might just make Ray close up again. Nao was already afraid he wasn’t doing anything to help. He was afraid of how his questions might be answered.

Naozumi blinked and his eyes opened wide when Ray tossed out the accusation, specific time, place, event…..Nao had to think back to that moment harder than he probably should have. He’d never been good at remembering specific events, people, things people said… “I…I did?” he said with some disbelief, letting his hand slide down Ray’s back slightly in his surprise. “…………………I did…..didn’t I……..?” he muttered with a sort of astonished realization. What had he been thinking at that time…? “I…I barely remember that…” he said softly, mostly to himself. “Ray…” What was he supposed to do? Ray was upset over something that Nao had said with barely a thought in his head, and Nao couldn’t even deny that it happened. The weight of guilt sank into his chest and he let his arm fall completely from Ray’s back to his side. “I’m sorry…” His voice was starting to crack again as he felt the tears well up again. Nao shook his head when Ray continued to depreciate himself. “It’s not true…” he asserted with a choke in his throat. “I didn’t mean it…!” Nao leaned forward and rested his forehead against Ray’s shoulder, hiding his twisting, grief-filled face between his hands that gripped onto the older boy’s shirt. “I’m sorry…!”

[Raylaigh Hawthorne]

The problem was, while most things happened and were let go and forgiven, Ray had a tendency to hold onto them and overanalyze and when he came to a conclusion he fretted about it endlessly. Sure Raylaigh could have done the adult thing and confronted Nao about it, but he was still far too much a child and so avoiding it, and consequently Nao had become the trend. It wasn’t that Ray was really blaming Nao, Nao had said it himself, Nao wasn’t good at things like this. Retrospectively speaking Raylaigh knew that Nao never would have intentionally said those things to hurt, but currently Raylaigh didn’t have retrospective 20-20. He gritted his teeth and just shook his head at Nao, hoping that it was a dismissive action and didn’t upset Nao further. Ray was afraid, if Nao was upset how long before he struck out?

Ray couldn’t believe how upset Nao was, had him avoiding Nao really affected him that much? It must have, well now Ray felt horrid. If he could feel any worse. Raylaigh was losing it, he hadn’t lost it in public in so long, he felt utterly exposed and even more pathetic than usual. It would only serve for people to think he was looking for pity. He was usually so happy, they would think, he must be starving for attention and turning to the pity party. Ray didn’t want people to think that and so he suffered alone when he was sad and when it went away, he was just his normal self again. It didn’t happen often but the doubts were always in his mind. The seed had been planted and well tended and now it flourish even without it’s gardener’s care.

Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to Nao, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a big deal to Ray. Ray sniffled and looked at Nao and wondered if Nao would try to brush it off. He dropped his eyes when Nao said his name. It was Ray’s fault again. He’d been hurt and he shouldn’t have been. “Really, Ray? Come on, don’t be upset. You know I didn’t mean it, so don’t be upset. You’re just too sensitive, you take everything so seriously.” Ray hugged himself and closed his eyes as he tried to block out the memories. Startled Ray looked back up at Nao and blinked his eyes owlishly, “What?” He asked dumbly. He felt braced for a blow that never came and shaky when one didn’t come when he expected it. Ray just shook his head. Of course Nao would say that… wait? Why? If Nao had been caught redhanded in a lie wouldn’t he had turned around and laughed in Ray’s face by now? Ray held his hands over his ears again, he was so confused.

Nao grabbing onto him made him listen and he found himself completely unsure of what to do. Ray sniffled and wiped at tears running down his face. “You are?” He was completely baffled. “Dammit Ray!” Jack yelled and it was all the warning Ray had before Jack’s hand fell across his face. “Don’t you know I’m the only one who will love you! You’re worthless, no one even likes you! Without me you are nothing, you have no one! You wanna tell your mother? She will hate you!” Ray groveled then and tried to apologize, but it was too late. Ray swallowed, he remembered every bruise, every broken bone. Ray put his hands against Nao’s chest with the intent of pushing him away but when they touched he couldn’t do it and so he rested his hands there and sniffed. “You really think that?” He asked softly, his voice wavering with uncertainty.

[Deleted]

This was definitely the most upset Naozumi had been in…well, in years. There simply wasn’t much that bothered the boy enough that he couldn’t rationalize his way through any ill feelings they might have inspired. Most things he couldn’t do anything about anyway, so there was little point in being upset. If people were going to speak ill of him, then that was their choice, he couldn’t make them stop and thus was not his problem. If there was no more of his favorite snack in the kitchen, he’d be disappointed, but it wasn’t anything to just go and get more. If he didn’t have the money to get more, then he could do without. Normally, and in this case as well, if his friends or family don’t speak or make any sort of contact for an extended amount of time, Naozumi just assumed they were busy and would catch up with him when they could. That’s how he ended up going half a year without speaking to his parents, because he was caught up and busy with his own things as well. And overall just absent on the importance of keeping contact. With Ray he’d assumed the same thing and was confident that they were just missing each other.

However, this was very much the first time that that distance had left him feeling…lonely was what he might call it. Like there was something missing. And indeed, he did miss Ray during that time, so much so that he went out of his way to make sure they would definitely run into each other. He’d already gone out of his way to see Ray several times before, but he was always away it seemed. Seeing the absolute proof that Ray was trying to sever their connection had hit him hard. He was hurt from seeing him run and told Nao to leave him alone. Confused from not knowing the reason. Depreciating himself for not realizing it on his own. And….panicked? That’s a little of what it felt like. Because the thought that if Nao hadn’t come out of his way to see Ray, he may never have realized there was something wrong, and their friendship would have ebbed away without him even knowing. Those thoughts, the thought of him not having any connection at all with Ray…it uneased Naozumi more than he knew he could be about such a thing. When did he become so attached that the thought of not having Ray in his life scared him? Nao hadn’t even noticed it.

And now he was finding out that he did do something to make Ray more distant. I was Nao’s fault. Completely. And there was nothing he could do to take it back, or make it go away, or deny it. Naozumi was so bad when it came to people, he didn’t even know what he was supposed to say to that. What should he say to Ray? All he could think to do was cling to his best friend and repeat the same thing over and over. No clever words or explanations or soothing words to try and comfort his friend who was so terribly distressed that it frightened Nao even more. Because this wasn’t the Ray he knew. “I’m sorry….” he said again, wishing he could come up with something more than just that.

Nao nodded into Ray’s shoulder, his arms pulled in tight as his hand continued to grip onto Ray’s shirt. “Mmhmm….” he hummed weakly. “I….I don’t know why y-you think everyone thinks that…but it’s not true.” Nao took another shuddered breath, calming down only slightly when Ray rested his hand on him. He shook his head, trying to shake away all the mugginess in his head, raised his head to look Ray in the eyes. “Because I don’t. I’ve never once thought you were worthless. I…” Nao smiled the smallest of smiles and his eyes softened as he raised a hand to brush through Ray’s hair and cusp around the back of his head. “I can’t imagine I ever will, Ray, not even in a dream. You understand?”