(Time Warp) I'm Not Myself... (Sean)

[Carleigh Davidson]

Date: April 9th, 2010

Carleigh nervously held onto a slip of paper, crumpled between her fingers. She let out a deep breath, walking down an unfamiliar corridor. Hammel had recommended.. rather insisted that she go see Dr. Neville and talk. But what was there to talk about? A month ago, she had been a completely normal girl with the average upper class life and now all of a sudden she found out she was some weirdo who could tell people things in their sleep! 

Now, life would continue on here. Training and learning about her ability... something about hypnotic suggestion, Carleigh couldn't remember the technical name. She felt out of place and scared... all alone in this big scary place with people just like her... metas. Not even thirteen yet, Carleigh was expected to resume life here as if nothing had happened. As if she didn't scare the girls at the sleepover half to death. As if her older brother Brody didn't laugh and call her stupid and blame it on an 'overactive imagination. Yeah, Carleigh had later tested her ability on him and made him eat waffles covered with pickles and sour cream for breakfast. That was entertaining the next morning.

Carleigh looked up at the numbers and names on the office doors, frowning. Her heart was pounding, scared for this meeting. She didn't know how it was going to go. The only advantage was she got to miss math class for this. Score.

She gnawed on her lip, her braces uncomfortable against her lips. Only a year and a bit until they would be gone. Carleigh finally saw Dr. Sean Neville written on one of the doors, pausing before it. He was probably expecting her. She unfolded the worn down paper, the fancy script revealing itself. April 9th at 1:30. Carleigh glanced down at her white wristwatch with light pink polka dots. 1:30 exact. Oh my gosh she was so scared. Her hands began to feel clammy as she clenched her tiny fist and knocked on the door three times. Thud. Thud. Thud.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

One of the privileges of Sean’s position as the Hammel Psychiatrist was that he had access to student records. He was charged with the task of caring for the mental and emotional health and wellbeing of the student body, and that included keeping tabs on those who required more attention than others. As part of his professional autonomy, he determined for himself who required the additional attention.

As a matter of course, he kept tabs on students with various psychic abilities. Psychic himself, he was uniquely able to understand their struggles with their respective powers, even if not every psychic was a telepath.

The psychiatrist had taken notice of Carleigh Davidson when she had come a month ago to Hammel. She was twelve, she had a power that many other people found disconcerting or which they feared, and some of her side-effects were quite familiar to him. Sean had given her the ability to get settled at the school, but a session had been recommended, and then set up.

He heard the knock at the door and sensed her mental presence. The psychiatrist glanced down at his watch and nodded with approval. She was punctual; that was a valuable trait, particularly when contrasted with the vast majority of the student body who, as teenagers, were not.

“Please come in, Carleigh,” he called out to her. “You can shut the door behind you.” That would give them privacy.

[Carleigh Davidson]

Carleigh pulled her hand back from the door, nervously quivering before it. Standing at a mere 5'0, the door felt immensely overwhelming in front of her. She heard Dr. Neville greet her and opened up the door, struggling with the doorknob due to her shaky hands. No, she wasn't nervous to meet him; Carleigh was sure that Dr. Neville was incredibly nice and helpful. Moreso, it was talking about... her. Her life, her family, her friends, her power... all of that felt awkward.

Carleigh managed to pull open the door and sweetly smiled at the man sitting down across from her. Closing the door behind her, she came inside, still evidently nervous. "Hello Dr. Neville." Carleigh began to say, mentally shaking her head. That sounded so awkward and professional. But, she just wanted to leave a good first impression. As she continued to walk, her eyes darted all over the room in awe.

Finally, she came to a comfy looking chair seated in front of Dr Neville's desk. "I assume this is here for me?" she asked, phrasing it as a question.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

When she stepped over the threshold, Sean saw for himself how slight she was, and he made the decision not to rise to greet her. There was no reason to further intimidate her by rising to his full height, particularly since this meeting was intended to be as stress-free as possible. He looked tall and broad-shouldered enough as it was, seated behind his desk.

Instead, he offered her a smile as she entered his office. “Hello, Carleigh,” he replied. It was best that they get pleasantries out of the way.

Then, at her question, he nodded a single time. “It is, unless you’d rather sit elsewhere.” He gestured at the sofa and the armchairs on the other side of the office. As she wasn’t here because she was in trouble, she had control over where she sat. The psychiatrist’s philosophy was that he could always move himself around students, as long as they were comfortable. Comfort played a vital role in their ability to achieve anything during sessions.

Then, as she made herself comfortable, he asked, “How are you doing today?” Although that question could be interpreted as small talk, he intended it as an assessment. She could talk about herself so they could get down to business, and he could use it as a jumping point.

[Carleigh Davidson]

Of course, her initial impression was right. Dr Neville seemed incredible kind and not like the stereotypical, pushy psychiatrists in the movies. When the appointment had been set up, Carleigh began dreading the moment. Now that she was here, her posture was more relaxed and confident about this meeting.

The girl, prior to Dr. Neville's comment, hadn't noticed all of the seating choices. She furrowed her eyesbrows and nodded. "That couch does look comfy." she commented with a small smile, quickly walking to it. She settled herself down on one of the corner seats, adjusting herself until she felt relaxed. Her ankles were crossed, though part of her wanted to lay on the couch. She decided against it, again, since Carleigh wanted to leave a good impression.

Today? "Well.." The small blonde began, thinking about. "Today has been good." she decided to say with a firm nod. "I think I've finally adjusted nicely here and gotten use to my schedule and classes. So, it's nice to not feel out of place anymore. I've been thinking of joining a club, maybe. I don't know which one but to give me something to do." she rambled, playing with her fingers. Once comfortable, Carleigh could talk for hours, even to this almost stranger. Hopefully he didn't mind.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

As with many areas of life, Sean had opinions about the way mental health professionals were portrayed in popular culture. Many of the stereotypes were harmful and based not in reality but instead of cultural suspicions of the validity of mental health concerns. He did what he could to counteract those biases and to destigmatize psychological concerns. Mental health was as valid as physical health.

“I promise you it is,” the psychiatrist replied, regarding the sofa. He had chosen it because it was comfortable, and it made his office homier as a result. That piece of furniture was a favorite of student and staff visitors to this office alike.

Since Carleigh had chosen it, Sean rose from the chair behind his desk, picked up a pad and a pen, and then followed her across the office. When she sat on the sofa, he settled into one of the armchairs closer to her.

He nodded his understand and to show that he was actively listening. “I’m glad to hear that.” Truly, he was glad to hear when students adjusted to Hammel, since it could be a culture shock.

Extracurricular activities were as good a starting topic as any other, and Sean dove into that. “Are there any that jumped out at you when looking them over? Or have you not gotten that far?” He advised two clubs himself, so he was aware of what the school offered.

[Carleigh Davidson]

Carleigh sat on the sofa, swinging her small legs back and forth. She wiggled around, until she deemed the seat comfortable. Perfect. She smiled towards the nice man, who was now sitting in the armchair. "Now you can sit in a comfy chair too!" Carleigh exclaimed.

"It was weird at first... none of my friends are like me." Carleigh announced proudly. Although, the girls had the sleepover had been afraid and scared of the little blonde. She fidgeted, frowning slightly after. "I scared my friends. They thought I was a witch with mind control over them." Her brother... Carleigh, clearly looking a little distressed, sighed. How was she suppose to begin talking about her family and all of the issues that plagued her mind?

Plus, there was the whole trouble sleeping thing. Carleigh didn't know what to do or say. She just... lay in bed, willing herself to sleep but it never worked. The sleepless nights were beginning to affect her, as the bags under her eyes were proof.

"Anyway, it's wonderful here." Carleigh smiled at Dr. Neville. She felt a bit more... relieved, knowing that other people around the world were dealing with this issue just like her. "I'm still looking at different clubs, but I like the cheerleading one. It looks like a lot of fun!" The young girl had dabbled in gymnastics as a kid, giving her a bit of experience. "What do you think?" She asked.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“So I can,” Sean replied with a small smile, as he sat himself in one of the armchairs. It was comfortable, like all of the furniture that he had chosen for this office. Atmosphere was important to him, in terms of being able to help students relax. Moreover, since he had to spend between eight and ten hours each weekday in this office, he wanted to be comfortable as well.

The psychiatrist had a copy of Carleigh’s recruitment notes in the file he had prepared for her. He knew her power and the circumstances of her manifestation. Hers was a power that, unfortunately, would cast suspicion on her character, her motivations, her achievements, and her behavior for much of her life. Hers was a power that people feared, because it involved the sanctity of the mind.

Sean feared neither Carleigh nor her power.

At her remark, the psychiatrist nodded his understanding. “I was the only meta-human in my neighborhood growing up as well,” he offered. He knew how people reacted to that, although, forty-one years later, current meta-humans benefitted from increased numbers and greater exposure. Insanity was no longer the default diagnosis.

They could bond over that. They could bond over side effects, as well, which was a topic that he wanted to broach during the day’s discussion.

At her question, he smiled a bit wider. “I think the cheerleaders all have a lot of fun. The group is small, but they always want new members.” If she could cope with Zac LaRousse’s ego, then she would be fine.

[Carleigh Davidson]

Grinning back at Sean, Carleigh swung her legs back and forth a little longer before growing tired. She yawned, trying to hide it with her hand. The girl wasn't bored or anything, it was just... she was so tired. Her body didn't want to shut down at night though. Carleigh decided she would do her best to immerse herself in conversation with Dr. Neville and distract herself from the fatigue.

"It's weird." Carleigh commented, looking at the professional man in front of her. "Like, how you go from being a weirdo in one town and suddenly... you're here and surrounded by people just like you. It's reassuring but... weird." She repeated, shaking her head. Her friends and everyone here were helpful, and Carleigh was thankful, but sometimes she forgot that every student here had some sort of ability. "Other people who understand what... this feels like." She gestured around herself, hoping that Dr. Neville somewhat understood her ramblings. Really, she just felt silly waving her hands around.

"Alright! It looks fun. I've never done it before but I've been in gymnastics." Carleigh beamed. A school club was what the girl needed to distract herself even more. Plus, her dad always told her once high school came around, it was important to get involved with school activities. Yawning again, Carleigh snapped her mouth shut, blushing. "Sorry." she apologized. "Just tired."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I realize that this plays into what you just described, but I understand.” That wasn’t simply the expected response from someone in his position, or the result of decades of experience as a psychiatrist, or even the result of his telepathy. Sean understood on a fundamental level precisely what Carleigh described, because he had experienced it twice: once when he had first come to Hammel after his powers had manifested and again in college and medical school, when reaffirming his personality and finding his true sense of self.

His first years at Hammel had been socially isolating; he had not adjusted easily. Still, even Sean’s teenage-self had found comfort in the notion that he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t the only meta-human in the world, and he certainly wasn’t losing his grip on reality. At Hammel, he had been surrounded by people just like him, and that had brought a degree of comfort, even if the isolation had stung in a different way. “There’s something to be said for solidarity.”

Also, this was why shared experiences and safe spaces existed and needed to be fostered.

“Gymnastics is good practice.” In fact, it might put her ahead of some of the other cheerleaders, since, like all Hammel activities, it was a club sport. Anyone could try out or join, regardless of experience. “It’s a nice way to meet people, since you meet not only the other cheerleaders but also the students from different sports.” Practices, and club competitions, had a tendency to overlap.

At the yawn, the blush, and the apology, the psychiatrist lifted his hand to wave it off. He was not offended. “Don’t apologize,” he urged her. As for being tired, he asked, “Chronic sleep problems?” He knew of her power, and it was quite likely that insomnia was a side-effect. He sympathized there.

[Carleigh Davidson]

"It's nice, just talking to you Dr. Neville." Carleigh began casually, with a soft smile. Here she had been, scared of the questions that he could have asked. It was like having a normal conversation about their lives, mostly her. And there was nothing more the young blonde liked doing than talking about herself.

"Sometimes, I forget I'm at a school for special people. It's good though." She said with a serious nod. Nothing like what Sean had to deal with as a young kid growing up with a meta-ability. She nodded again, even if what Dr. Neville said didn't make sense. She sure didn't like solidarity. The more, the merrier, in her mind.

Beaming, Carleigh rested her hands on top of her lap. "Then I think I will!" Couldn't hurt. If she wasn't a fan of cheerleading, then she could always find something else to do. Her mom had been a cheerleading years ago; there were pictures of her in high school in old photo albums. She smiled at the thought of home.

Sheepishly, Carleigh smiled. Her bags had only gotten worse over the short month. Already, they had a distinctive purple hue worse than the average teenager. "It seems like I can never sleep. Ever. I try to lay down and it.. it doesn't work. It scares me." She admitted, fidgeting. "I'm tired but it's like there's something in me that doesn't want me to sleep."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean returned the smile with a soft one of his own. That was what he strove for: to be someone with whom the students felt comfortable talking about whatever it is they wanted to discuss. As such, he enjoyed hearing when he succeeded in that goal.

“I know what you mean.” When one didn’t feel on display due to one’s meta-human status, it was easier to simply blend in and be another high school student.

Sean empathized. Insomnia was difficult at the best of times. Sleep was so important for a variety of physical and mental purposes, and neuroscience continued to demonstrate the importance of a good night’s sleep. Sleep was necessary in order to clean one’s brain, in order to process recent memories and events from the day before, in order to gain the energy for the tasks of the next day, in order to maintain health, immune systems, and metabolism. Yet, insomnia was often enough a side-effect of mental powers; Sean himself suffered from it.

Although, he was sure that his insomnia paled in comparison to hers. After all, her power involved sleep, and so often, powers involving sleep invariably brought with them insomnia as a side effect. Meta-human side effect insomnia could not disappear through other means, but mitigation was possible. Fortunately for Carleigh, Sean was a psychiatrist, and he had a prescription pad, coupled with great knowledge in this area.

“You don’t fall asleep at all?” He asked, as it was important to know the precise nature of the insomnia. “Or does it take a long time to fall asleep, and you don’t sleep for long?” And invariably never felt well-rested as a result.

[Carleigh Davidson]

Carleigh's sleep pattern had been normal once. She use to go to bed the same time every night, and wake up every morning, ensuring her optimal nine hours of sleep. In the short span of a month, her sleep schedule had managed to become completely irregular. Some weeks, she slept six nights a week while others it was only a couple nights with scattered naps throughout the day. Thankfully, she hadn't fallen asleep during class yet, which was a small reassurance.

Unconsciously, the young blonde gingerly touched under her eyes with her fingertips, feeling their depth. She could only imagine the tinges of purple as well. Shaking her head, Carleigh took a deep breath to try and explain it to the best of her ability. "Well.. not exactly. Both. Depends on the night. Some nights, I don't sleep at all. Some nights, it takes me awhile and by the time morning comes... it's not enough. And when I do sleep, it's rarely at night. Mostly naps throughout the day." Carleigh recounted. "Is... is this normal?" She asked with a frown.

A month and she was already tired of this monster that didn't let her sleep.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Decades ago, Sean had committed to purging the word normal from his professional vocabulary. There existed more precise words to convey the underlying point without the additional stigma. He rarely called outright attention to this, only informing students that they should not use the word when they were berating themselves for failing to live up to the ambiguous notion of normal.

By contrast, Carleigh had asked a question intended to gauge how her side effects were affecting her as compared to others. That did not call for outright correction. Instead, the psychiatrist looked her in the eyes and said, “That’s complicated. Given your power, I would not say that it’s atypical. Sleep-related powers almost always have side effects related to sleep, and usually negative impacts. Many psychic powers have similar side effects, even if they don’t involve sleep.”

Sean suffered from accumulated insomnia. He did not complain about it, but it was an undeniable fact of his life.

“The question isn’t so much whether it is typical, although that helps with the cause. The question is what can be done about it.”

With that, the psychiatrist folded his hands in front of him. “Have you spoken with your trainer about this? And have you spoken to the side-effects specialist yet?”

[Carleigh Davidson]

Assuming Dr. Neville's tone and the subject they were talking about, Carleigh assumed that atypical meant something along the lines of normal. Typical. But with an 'a.' She nodded, absorbing the information he had to give. Was this going to be a forever thing then? Or just until she learned how to control her ability? The blonde hoped it was the latter.

"Okay." Carleigh think she understood what Dr. Neville was saying. It wasn't about comparing herself to others who had similar abilities, but rather finding out what could be done to ease the insomnia.

Shyly, the blonde shook her head, to both of his questions. "No. I haven't..." She shifted in her spot on the sofa. "I didn't even know we had one of those, the side effects specialist." Maybe she had forgotten. "Should I?" Being here for only a month, Carleigh still was sort of jumbled about everything. She had been focusing so hard on adjusting to the move and keeping up in her classes that she had neglected her health and ability.