Leave Out All the Rest (Trigger Warning)

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Why. Why did she keep having to go through this? What did whatever higher power there was have against her? Wasn't her mother supposed to be protecting her? Looking out for her? Why wasn't she doing her job! Adrianna was losing it. The shaky feeling she got when she craved her addiction was coming back and she didn't know what to do. She didn't have anywhere to go that would keep her from giving in. She couldn't tell Elisia, the poor girl wouldn't know how to handle it. So who was there? Where was she supposed to go? Who was she supposed to call?

The only option she had was Lani, but she was reluctant to dial the number. She hadn't told Lani about Venn's return the last time, and she knew how much they hated each other. How was she supposed to tell him, the man she'd been avoiding for her own personal sanity, that another reason for her insanity was back and had made her relapse into that mindset she'd worked so hard to get away from? Was she really so weak that a mere conversation with her former love of her life could send her over the edge again? Her hands were trembling, her breathing and heart rate were irregular and she knew that if she spent anymore time alone, she'd do it again and she'd promised Lani and Elisia that she wouldn't go back to that.

So she called.

As the phone rang, she focused on the sound and tried to regulate her breathing, though her tears were falling down her cheeks like a waterfall and she simply didn't know how to make it stop. He'd said he loved her. He said he cared! "Everyone goes through things," as if she didn't know that. As if she didn't try to act like everything was okay! Finally she heard his voice. Lani. Her Lani. And she had to stop walking before she collapsed. Adrianna settled for sitting up against one of the buildings along the strip of bakeries and cafes as she answered him, "Lani...V-Venn...he...he's back and I...I can't. I can't do it. All I keep seeing is the blade and I just want....I want it, Lani. Help...I don't know what to do." She tried getting through it all, but it was so broken up between each sob.

[Lani Hunter]

Lani lounged on the couch a book in hand. He was enjoying a slow day and resting before the heist he was going pull later in the night. It wasn’t a big heist but he needed rent and tuition money. It wasn’t a time dependent heist luckily. He was flipping pages with his power and he was resting with his arms pillowing his head and letting the book hover over his face. Adam had come back a few hours ago and after a few pleasantries he had gone out again. Lani wondered if meta human things ever freaked out Adam.

He hadn’t spoken to Adrianna in a while, well more than the occasional text to talk about something mundane like ‘So much snow!’ Things had been a little weird after they had gone out together and honestly that was probably mostly Lani’s fault. He’d gotten tipsy and caught up in the moment and he had done things he probably shouldn’t have. What’s worse was that he had done those things panicked and balked at any idea of moving forward. And like most things he and Adrianna did it was one step forward a few hundred steps back. But at least they were still talking. He didn’t know if she was angry because he was afraid to ask via text and too skittish about talking about the whole situation to give her a call. He flipped a page getting lost in the stories and the magic and the wars. It was a new book and he was caught up in it. He was so caught up he didn’t hear his phone go off initially.

He caught it up on the next few rings and checked the caller ID to check and see if it was someone he really wanted to put down his book for, and it was. “Hey Adrianna, how’s it goin’?” he asked brightly and he sat up immediately when he heard her voice. “Gah,” he muttered as he banged his head on the book still hovering over his head. He took it up and laid it facedown to save the page on the desk and listened. She was crying so much that all he really got from her was ‘Venn’, and that she wanted the blade. “VENN!” Lani roared into the phone reacting to the first. He shot to his feet and the building shook as he did so. The couch shot back and slammed against the rattling the doors and windows and knocking over several things. Then he caught onto the blades and the couched jumped back in time for Lani to fall back into it. “Adrianna, Adrianna, slow down.” He said forcing himself to be calm for her. He could and would deal with Venn later. Right now Adrianna was his focus.

He shook with rage and it quickly became apparent that he couldn’t sit idle. “Adrianna, take a deep breath. Don’t do anything. Where are you?” He stood up and his power held the phone to his ear as he went for his coat.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

She knew that calling him, telling him what had happened would set him off. It had been expected. But hearing it, hearing the way things slammed around and crashed in the background made her flinch and she was reminded of the last time she'd called him crying and it had led to their first real fight. The memory was not welcomed and she found that it twisted her stomach into a tighter knot and made her regret saying anything. What if he got mad at her for talking to Venn? What if he got mad because he thought she'd go back to him? All of the what if's were driving her insane and didn't help with the ceasing of her tears. If anything, they came faster and more frantically. She was so scared that he was going to be mad at her and that he'd leave when she needed him the most.

But then her Lani came back and it eased the pent up worry that she had building the more she thought about it. He was trying to be calm. He was trying for her. She closed her eyes and zeroed in on his voice. The way he said her name, her full name always, never shortened. It was soothing, it was his thing. He was the only one that ever called her by her full name and she found that it was comforting in its own way. It was very much different from Venn who shortened it to half its length. Not that it had ever bothered her, it just made things clearer now how different the two of them were. How different she'd been. There was so much going through her mind. So many things that had her thinking and that she was using to distract herself from the craving she had.

"Lani...I can't. I don't want to go back. I don't want to get worse, but he...and I..." She was still hyperventilating, her panick rising and falling with each thought that moved through her mind. He didn't love her. He loved the old her, but she wasn't that girl anymore. She never would be. That girl was gone. Lost. She wasn't coming back. Why couldn't Venn just accept her? Accept the fact that they'd changed? Why couldn't he just get over it the way that Lani had? Oh yes because he blamed Lani for this new girl that she'd become. Of course he would. How would he know that it was in large part due to his own absence? Her mother's death? No, he'd blame it on Lani, the main object of his hate. It scared her to think of what would happen if the two of them ever had an encounter.

She placed her head in her hands, the phone still pressed to her ear, "Lani, I'm scared." She didn't even know where she was. She couldn't see through her blurred vision. "I...I don't know," Adrianna cried and continued trembling. How was he going to find her? Was he even going to look? She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head in frustration. "I hate him....I hate me...I just want it all to go away...I don't know what to do....Lani please," She whispered into the phone as she rocked back and forth against the wall.

[Lani Hunter]

All of those questions that worried her ran through his mind once but the only thing that was sticking was the fact that she was crying and he needed to do something. Instead of anger at the questions he was scared and he was angry at Venn. Adrianna had changed and she was stronger than she used to be but that didn’t mean that the strong didn’t need help every now and again. Lani’s protective instinct rose and he wanted to be there. Right now. He wanted to be there for her. He wished he had some way to be there faster. Fury rose like a fire in Lani and his power was wavering on raging out of his mind and staying calm. This fury was not directed at Adrianna, in his eyes she’d done nothing wrong, maybe she had made a mistake by going to talk to Venn at all, but that wasn’t her fault. Her and Venn had history. More than Lani and her had.

Venn, just the name made Lani want to kill something. Specifically Venn. What right did he have coming back and toying with Adrianna’s emotions? What right?! Lani was going to kill him! The thoughts took a minor backseat and the emotion of hate allowed the thoughts to simmer as he focused on Adrianna. The pure fact that she was upset set Lani into motion. He didn’t want to think about how he dropped everything and came running when she called, there wasn’t time for such musing and his mind was much better occupied imagining all of the ways he could destroy Venn. “It’s okay Adrianna,” Lani said, “Just breathe. In and out. Everything’s going to be okay.” Lani was terrified. He was terrified of the way she was talking and the idea of her going back to how she’d been was more frightening to Lani than all of the prison time in the world.

“Listen to me.” Lani said strongly stopping what he was doing so that he could focus his voice and get through to her. “You are not going back. I won’t let that happen. Hear me?” He could hear the panic in her voice and his heart broken. He hated Venn. He wanted to rip him apart, he wanted to tear him limb from limb. But right now Adrianna needed him. He nodded and shrugged on his coat and made a run into his room for his wallet and keys. “I’m here,” he said, “You don’t have to be scared. I’m right here. I’m going to stay on the line until I find you. Talk to me.” He shook his head and bit back a curse of frustration when she didn’t know where she was. That was fine. He would find her. He knew this city backward, forward and upside down. He would find her.

“It’s okay, Adrianna. Stay where you are. I’m coming to get you.” He said and hit the streets. He listened carefully past her tears to hear what might give him a clue. Nothing. People walking, she must have been upset and gone where no one would bother her. But that did give him a clue. Avoid populated areas. “Shh, don’t talk like that. I’m right here.” The urgency in her voice made Lani break into a run. He darted past alleys reaching out his power for her. He was starting to get panicked as her voice started breaking. Not there either. He shook his head. He spiraled inward. “Adrianna, I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” There was a lull and Lani needed to hear her speaking so that he knew she wasn’t doing something else. “I bet you knocked him out, right? Adrianna, listen. He’s an assfaced fucktard who doesn’t even rank above the dirt on your shoe. You know what, he’s not even worth hating. His is nothing. You are everything. You are smart and you are strong.” Lani said over the panting of his own breath. Lani sure hoped she’d said her goodbyes to Venn because Lani was gonna kill him.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Everything's going to be okay. Just breathe. She focused on his words and tried to do as he asked, but she couldn't breathe. She didn't know how. Every time she tried, she shook and started crying harder. What was the matter with her? Why did she keep crying so much? It had been weeks, maybe even months since she'd cried this much. Granted it was due to the numb feeling that had taken over, but she'd rather feel nothing than feel so much pain. It was like someone was ripping her heart out of her chest, excruciatingly slow, taking their sweet time with their hand plunged through her chest. It was sickening and awful. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to feel better and she wanted Lani. She needed him now and she didn't know if he was going to make it in time. What if she did something worse? There were so many thoughts factoring into this. Thoughts of things other than razors. She could walk right out into traffic, though the cars were moving much too slow to do any damage. She shook her head frantically. No, she didn't want this!

"Lani," she cried as she squeezed her eyes shut. He spoke, softly, frantically as though he was just as scared as she was. Perhaps he was. Adrian took comfort in his fear of losing her, which is what she hoped it was. She wanted him to be afraid of losing her because no one else seemed to be. Venn sure as hell wasn't. No, he didn't care at all. He hated her. He wanted her to start cutting again. He wanted her to give into the addiction. The tears rushed out of her eyes faster and she bit back a scream. "Lani, hurry. Please, I'm so scared," At the rate she was going, the way she was thinking, she didn't know how she was going to make it through this. If he didn't get to her in time, she'd find a way. She'd find something to use, something to do! She needed it; she craved it. Her whole body shook and she gripped the phone tighter. Where was she? Why couldn't she just know where she was so he could find her faster? She was so useless! She whispered his name over and over again to herself, repeating that he was coming to get her. He was going to be here any second. She just needed to hold on a little longer.

But she didn't want to hold on.

"Lani, what if it happens? What if I go back? I'll be weak again, I won't get through it this time," She'd been scared from the first day of her recovery that the next time she relapsed would be a hundred times worse. With her mother gone, how was she supposed to control it? How would she stop herself from going too deep? From ending it right then and there. Lani's voice distracted her again, for she had gone quiet. His words, he was trying to get an answer from her. He wanted her to keep talking. He was trying so hard. Adrianna wiped at her eyes, smearing more makeup across her face. "I'm not strong, Lani. I'm losing. I'm losing it...I had control and he just shattered it. I hate myself so much. I'm so weak!" She said in a frustrated scream. She was nothing. She was stupid and weak. She hated herself more and more with each thought that threatened to send her overboard. Maybe she could find a sharp rock...a shard of glass. Adrian squeezed her eyes shut again, "Lani...I can't hold on anymore."

[Lani Hunter]

Lani’s heart was hammering against his chest and it was more than just the running. He was terrified. He couldn’t let Adrianna slip back. She couldn’t. He wouldn’t let that happen. His legs pushed him faster and he glanced down each alley as he passed. His power strained to its limits looking for her. Pilot Ridge was small but it wasn’t small enough to find someone in need so quickly. Dammit! Where was she!? Lani’s mind was in a panic and without realizing it papers were flying and windows were shaking as his power flashed out like a radar beam with the force of Lani’s will. No, no. He was going to find her. He had to!

He pushed himself. “I’m here,” he said, “I’m here. Everything’s going to be alright.” Lani wished he knew what was going on in her head. He wish he could take a sword to her demons and be done with it. But that wasn’t how people worked, people were hard, and people were fragile. She told him to hurry and he almost laughed for lack of anything else to say, all that escaped was a breathless groan. What if he didn’t make it in time? What if he couldn’t help her? Lani growled. “No! You’re strong, hang on! I’m almost there. Listen, listen to me! Just me. Focus Adrianna. You can beat this!” He shouted into the phone because breathing and speaking was starting to get hard as his lungs jealously sapped the air he took in. He raced onward. “Oh God, Adrianna you’ve gotta give me something!” He cried in frustration, not really at her but at the fact that he couldn’t find her. He shook his head. That was probably a bad move. He bit his tongue and tried again. “Adrianna. Close your eyes. Listen to me.” He said desperately thinking of anything and everything.

“No, no. That’s not going to happen.” Lani scolded, “Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m going to find you and everything is going to be okay.” He shook his head and his heart hammered and he felt as though he was running in place for all the progress he had made. “You’re not going to be weak again because you never were weak in the first place! Adrianna I was wrong, I was wrong about everything. You were always strong, stronger than me. Who was the one who stood by me when I was broken, huh?” Lani asked and he didn’t wait for her to answer, “You were, and you are so strong.” Lani’s desperation was taking over and he was saying anything that came to mind to try to keep Adrianna with him. “You can’t hate yourself. Adrianna, you’re not weak! Fight! Adrianna! Fight! Listen, Adrianna, you have to fight. You have to fight because I still need you!” He could hear her downward spiral and his power jumped as Lani ran into the street. His power active and focused stopped the car with ease and Lani never lost a step though the horn blared at him.

Lani lost all of his marbles when she said she couldn’t hold on. How the hell was he going to stop her if he couldn’t find her! Lani made a split second decision and made a promise he loathed but would uphold. “Adrianna, I swear to God every cut you give yourself, I’ll double on myself!” He didn’t know if she had anything she could harm herself with but he was going to take any chances. “Adrianna, hold on, hold on for me.” Lani’s legs burned as he raced on. He heard her shaky breathing on the line and took comfort in that fact but in the lull of the conversation he did hear something that gave him a little help. There was the faint honking of a horn in the phone and a few seconds later Lani heard it. Hope leapt into his heart and he made a sharp right in the direction of the noise. He was close! “Move, move! Get outta the way!” Lani snapped at people who crowded the street in front of the cafes. Finally his power pinged letting him know that there was someone with an Adrianna feel to her. Their powers had touched enough that Lani’s knew hers when he felt it. “Adrianna! I’m almost there! Oh thank God! I’m almost there!” He rounded the corner and let out a cry of relief. There she was. “Adrianna!” He called not taking the phone from his ear. He raced toward her.

[Adrianna Carstyn]

Hold on. Don't do it. So strong. It all fell on deaf ears. She didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to believe it. She couldn't. She couldn't hold on. She wanted to do it and she was so so weak. Didn't he see that nothing was going to work? Nothing was going to help her back away from the metaphorical cliff she was about to dive head first over. He couldn't save her, he should just stop trying. He should give up on her because he couldn't be strong like him. She wanted to be strong or him still, she wanted to make his world better, but how was she supposed to when she couldn't even be strong for herself? He didn't need her, he could take care of himself. And he had his family. Caroline. She could get him through this. Not Adrian. Besides, why would he even think about needing her? Oh right. He didn't. Adrianna frowned and shook her head back and forth.

Until he said it. He said what she had been thinking he never would. He needed her. He wanted her to fight because he needed her. She cried harder. Where was he? Why wasn't he here yet? She just wanted him now more than anything. She wanted him to be right there ith her, making everything okay and making her realize that she had something to fight for. She had him. She just needed to keep focusing on that. Her best friend wanted her to fight for him. Fight these demons of hers back until he could be there to make everything alright. He would be there soon. He would be there soon. She repeated the thought over and over again until she was sure she wouldn't forget it. He would be there soon, she just had to focus on him. His threats against his own skin made her frown and she knew that he was only doing it because he knew she would never want to be the reason he hurt himself. Especially if it was anything like what she did to herself. "I'm trying, Lani...I'm trying so hard," She blubbered.

Her eyes had opened by this point and she couldn't help but scour the area for anything sharp. Adrian would tell herself it was because she wanted to stay away from the objects, but she knew it was the addiction that was also looking to grasp something that would harm her. She saw a few rocks that she knew if she dug in deep enough would do well enough, but before her hands could even reach for one, she heard his voice light up and at the same time, he could feel him. His power. He was close. He was so close. She just had to hold on a little longer. She had to keep her monsters at bay for just a little bit longer. She could feel them clawing at her mind frantically, but she just listened to Lani's voice and felt his ability getting closer. Just a little further and he'd find her. He'd be there.

His voice rang out through the phone and she heard it echo from closer by than she expected. Her eyes snapped upwards and she saw him running towards her. Adrian pulled the phone from her ear and pocketed it with trembling fingers before scrambling so that she was standing with shaky legs. She started walking in the direction he was, hardly able to get her limbs to work, but she pushed herself harder so that she could reach him faster. It was him. He was coming to her. He was here.

[Lani Hunter]

Lani’d never felt so desperate in his whole life. When Caroline was ill it had been a call to action that drove Lani, but it was helplessness that had summoned the call. There was nothing he could actually do for Caroline. He could get her the money, he could get her the surgery but there was no actual way for him to guarantee her life. That had been the work of miracles and prayers. With Adrianna he could do something. His call to action was because he could do something. Adrianna he was determined to do something. He was summoned by the determination that he could do something and he would do something. He wasn’t going to let her destroy herself. Not when he could see what it seemed like she was blind to. He was not going to let her go. Which is why he ran like his tail was on fire and still he couldn’t be there fast enough for her.

He heard her crying and was sprinting through the streets probably looking like a madman as he dodged people and shouted into his phone. He was more terrified than he’d ever been in his whole life. He felt like she was telling him that she was giving up. He wondered if this was how the people who answered the phones at the Suicide Hotline felt. It was terrifying to hear someone like this and not be able to do anything. Except that this time Lani could do something. “Try harder!” Lani yelled, half for emphasis and half because he couldn’t really breathe anymore. Lani made the promise and he vowed to follow through. Half because Adrianna wouldn’t want it to be her fault he cut himself but also because he viciously wanted her to know what it felt like when someone she was close to slice open their skin for the sake of feeling something. Lani was not so ignorant as to think he could do it easily.

It was truly a terrifying thing to be unable to help. Even as he was rushing to her side he was panicked that he would fail. He’d failed Adrianna before and he would not do it now! His heart leapt with joy when his power caught hold of her signature but at the same time he braced himself for what he might find. “I’m almost there, Adrianna. I can feel you, can you feel me? I’m here for you.” He said, once powers had touched, especially telekinetic powers they were easy to find again and recognize. She’s borrowed his power once before and he knew the feeling of his power touching hers and how their figurative hands had clasped and that was what had first drawn them. Lani took only a moment to catch his breath as he rounded the corner and called to her. Then his feet moved again. They were going to be so angry with him later. He might be a runner and good for speed but he usually counted on his sprints to be short and broken with shadow ducking and climbing. He usually ran to get away quickly not get away far.

She rose and he smiled in relief. She was crying and trembling but he didn’t see anything in the way of blood. slowed marginally when he approached her. Mostly to keep from knocking her over when their bodies collided. He gasped for breath as he wrapped her tightly in his arms. “I’m here, I’m here, everything okay,” he whispered into her ear. He finally hung up the phone and allowed it to slip out of his hand into his power and then into his pocket. He clung to her and didn’t want to let her go. She was here and he was here. “It’s okay, everything’s okay. Adrianna, I’m here.” He just kept repeating between gasps of breath as his lungs complained for oxygen. His heart pounded and he smoothed her hair and his power wrapped around her protectively. He just wanted to absorb all of her sorrows and make them vanish and he held her all the tighter as he tried. “Oh Adrianna, I’m so sorry.”

[Adrianna Carstyn]

No blood, there was no blood. She made it. She made it because he was there. He came for her. The reality faded and it almost felt dream-like. This wasn't real, she wasn't here right now. She was back at home, thinking about what would happen if something like this ever did happen, right? But she could feel him. He was wrapped around her as tight as was possible without crushing her, though she did have to hitch her breathing a bit at the sudden impact of it all. Adrian was so exhausted, so drained, but she was relieved. Of all the people that she thought would be there to catch her at every fall, he had never been high on the list. But here he was, catching her, making her feel like someone would always be there to catch her. Adrian didn't think he even realized how important he was to her survival. No matter how detrimental to her health loving him was, he was her hero.

All she could do was collapse against him as he held her, her face buried in his shoulder while her arms circled around him. It was all she'd ever wanted, wrapped up in one screwed up boy with a tough past and rough edges. Did he even know how much she cared about him? Did he even know that he was her lifeline? No, she'd never be able to tell him that. It was selfish of her to depend so much on him, but in times like this, he was all she had left. No Amelia, no Venn, not even the miserable excuse of a father to make things better. Just Lani, and she was okay with that. It was the idea of losing him all over again that crept into her mind every so often. What if he found someone that snatched him up again? What if he never found anyone to love and just shut himself off from the very idea of it forever? There were so many chances for him to leave her and to never come back. Those ideas made her sick and she couldn't rid herself of them, even with him so prominently there now.

"W-why are you s-sorry? You're here. Y-you came f-for me...why?" She looked up at him with her tears slipping silently down her cheeks. He didn't have to come. He had no obligations to protect her. It wasn't his job. Still, he came and apologized as if it were his fault that she had been so close to relapsing. What if he hadn't made it in time? Would he be apologizing for her hurting herself? Would he blame himself for every slash against her skin? Every drop of blood that left her body? It wasn't him. It wasn't his fault. So why did he seem to take the blame for it all? Adrian rested her forehead against his chest as she drooped forward from exhaustion. This was all very stressful.


((Wrapped here, ready for a new one?))

[Lani Hunter]

Continued here: hammelinstitute.proboards.com/thread/23514/adrianna