Time Warp: Something Snapped Me Out of a Dream I Was Having

[Joshua Bernstein]

April 1990

---

Josh was listless.

He and Sean had been broken up for a few years now. A few incredibly awkward years he had spent largely avoiding Greg and Daphne, and throwing himself into his school work. He still felt guilty about the break up, and oddly off but he assumed that was normal. Even after a few years it had to be normal, if one was still friends with one's ex, right? It made sense. But he wished that he didn't feel guilty and anxious all the time.

The only positive outcome was that he certainly wasn't stifled anymore, and he'd invested more in friends outside of the Radicals. For instance, Simon Fournier. Simon had been in a few of his law classes, and less time with Sean meant more time to spend with other students his own age. Including doing things like studying. He'd been such a good student before college! But his obsession with Sean had shoved studying to the wayside.

Not now, though. Fortunately, Simon didn't seem to mind being study buddies. Josh was glad of that; the blond boy was kind and he enjoyed spending time with him. He certainly didn't have the teasing disposition of Josh's other blond friend, the one he and Sean had in common, and he wasn't painfully distracting like Sean was.

Like Sean still was.

But he would get over that.

Eventually.

He had invited Simon over for a study session tonight. He had a six pack of Yuengling and a bowl of guacamole he'd bought at the store along with some blue corn chips. He'd learned early on that his friend enjoyed anything to do with avocados.

[Simon Fournier]

Simon was conflicted.

It wasn't until he'd first met Joshua, that Simon truly understood for the first time what people meant when they talked about having a crush. Sure, he'd been on dates with guys since finally coming out of the closet. But nothing had really lasted. And sure, he'd dreamed the fantasy of having a movie star wander through town, spot him, and find true love at first sight. But Joshua was his first flesh in blood crush.

What made it horrible was that Joshua was already with someone. Or at least he had been with someone. It had taken all of his self-control to keep from dancing, or at least smiling, when Joshua had told him of the break-up.

And now, he didn't know what to feel. On the one hand, this was what he'd been dreaming of. His big chance. On the other hand, he felt like a horrible person. How could he be so happy when his friend was obviously still hurting.

Still maybe all Joshua needed was someone knew. Someone like Simon.

Yet, the guilt had kept him from even getting close to asking the young man out on a date. So far he could only manage coming up with school related excuses for the two to get together.

He knocked on the door lightly, juggling his school books in his other hand, while he gave himself the same old mental pep-talk he did every time the two were planned to hang out. Just do it. Just ask him.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh rose from his seat when he heard the doorbell ring, crossing swiftly across the wooden floor to open wide the door to his apartment. He smiled when he saw that it was his study partner, reaching out one hand to help the other law student with his books.

"Here, let me take some of those. Did you bring the entire library?" He laughed in greeting. Although his new apartment felt somewhat lonely without a roommate that feeling was alleviated somewhat by having his friend over. The furniture was sparse so far; so much of what he'd had remained in the apartment he'd left behind when he'd left Sean. There was a secondhand sofa in the living room, and a rather uninspiring rug and a beat up coffee table that he'd bought at a furniture wholesale store for a discount because it had been scuffed up all along the legs. The plastic bag of chips and the plastic bowl of guacamole were set on this coffee table, along with a stack of napkins, because Josh hadn't entirely got to the point of presentation when it came to hosting.

[Simon Fournier]

Simon smiled and laughed nervously at Joshua's question. "I just...uh...wanted to be prepared," Simon explained, handing over a few of the books to Joshua. "Thanks." Really he wondered if he'd only brought so many books because of some backwards hope that by over-preparing for their study session he'd be over-prepared for the other thing he hoped to accomplish tonight. He hadn't really noticed the ridiculous amount until Joshua had mentioned it.

The furniture was a little, lacking. Then again Joshua could have lived in a cardboard box and would have still probably caught Simon's eye. All he needed was a little TLC. The fact that his apartment was so bare made Simon care for him more.

He grinned a the snack layout. "You really know how to impress a guy," he teased. Though really he couldn't help but feel great that Joshua had remembered his feeling for the avocado.

"You got anything to drink?" Simon asked. Though it didn't really go with the studying they had planned, he had a sudden craving for some liquid courage..

[Joshua Bernstein]

"It'll taste the same regardless of what it's in," Josh remarked, not at all ashamed by his poor presentation. It wasn't as if his apartment was filthy; he just didn't see the point in prettying places up. He had too much schoolwork to worry about, anyway. Interior decorating and food preparation were not high on his list of priorities.

However, he was prepared in one regard.

He had beer.

"Sure! Is Yuengling okay? I also have some Grolsch, if you'd rather have that."

[Simon Fournier]

"Ya got me there," Simon agreed. Truthfully, Josh could have served his snacks straight off the table and Simon would have accepted it. The apartment was clean after all and Simon wasn't a germaphobe. Though he usually tried for a bit more presentation when he had his own guests over, Simon was perfectly okay with just serving people straight off the grill too.

"Yuengling sounds great," Simon said with a smile, finding a place to set down the books that Josh hadn't taken from him. "So how are...things?" Simon asked, finding a seat for himself as well. He almost did a face palm for sounding like an idiot. What he really wanted to ask was if Josh was seeing anyone else. Or if he'd heard from Sean Neville. Or anything more close to the subject he really want to discuss. Not stupid small talk.

Maybe he'd feel better with a beer in hand.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh left the living room to go rummage in his fridge, although as he had a college student apartment the kitchen and living room may as well have been the same space.

"Things? They're fine. I don't think I'm prepared for Professor Markle's exam on property law, though. I confused reversions and remainders on the last test and I almost couldn't bear to face him again after that. What an embarrassing lapse!"

He popped the tab off a yuengling, then handed it to Simon as he returned to the living room. "What about you?"

[Simon Fournier]

Simon listened quietly as Joshua talked. Sometimes when the other man spoke he found himself staring and he was trying to make a conscience effort not to do so anymore. It wasn’t just getting lost in the other man’s face, it was more that he would get lost in the what ifs. What if he and Joshua talked about more than just classes? Could they ever go deeper than that?

“Oh I wouldn’t worry too much,” Simon said. “I’m sure he’s seen worse than that. I mixed up Tenancy by the Entirety and Tenancy in Common in a paper once. Last time I ever try to pull it off starting three in the morning.” He gave Joshua a sheepish smile, hoping the other man wouldn't think he was a complete idiot. Though it was true that some professors would get it stuck in your heads that you were a complete idiot after making one or two harmless mistakes, he didn’t think that Professor Markle was one of them. “Don’t worry I’ll get you set to go,” he added with a smile.

“Oh, uh, pretty good I guess.” Simon said, taking the drink from the other man and taking a long drink from it. Maybe he’d feel a little better about this nice once he had a few of these in him.

“How are things uh…outside of school?” 

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh managed not to notice Simon's focus; he never did realize when anyone else was showing interest, because it never occurred to him that he could be the object of someone's affection. Even after his relationship experience with Sean, had he thought about it he would have said it was a fluke that anyone had wanted him.

But especially Sean.

"Outside of school?" He repeated, grabbing a chip. "My parents want me home for sabbath dinner next week. Probably so they can quiz me about why I don't have a girlfriend yet."

He smiled ruefully at that thought. "What about you?"

[Simon Fournier]

Simon shared Joshua's lack of realizing whenever anyone was interested in him. Of course it hadn't happened all that often. And yet, he still felt it must be completely obvious to another person whenever he was showing he had feelings for them. How could they not know when he was crushing so hard?

"Oh," Simon said, a little shocked but trying not to show it. He hadn't realized Joshua wasn't out to his parents, not that he was judging the other man. It was a difficult experience to go through. "Good luck with that." He smiled at his friend, wishing he could think of something more supportive and encouraging to say.

"Oh...me? I'm good," Simon said, looking for the right segway and failing. He considered possibly telling Joshua about some friend he was falling for, but the figured it would be completely cliche to end this reveal with an oh, by the way, it's you.

Instead he shoved some chips in his mouth and mumbled something about offering to visit home with Joshua if he wanted some support as soon as his mouth was empty enough to speak.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"You don't have to do that," Josh assured Simon, popping the tab off his own beer and taking a quick swig.

His parents never minded when he brought visitors -- in fact, they expected it with their middle child -- but he half suspected the blond was only offering to be nice. He didn't think he needed support, anyway; he had deflected before now, and he would deflect again.

Unless he did acquire a girlfriend.

"Do you think it would be a mistake to date a girl so they would stop asking?"

[Simon Fournier]

"I wouldn't mind," Simon said. "I'd love to help you out anytime...I mean if you wanted me to." He coughed nervously before shoving more chips into his mouth. So much for smoothness.

He was trying to work out his next sentence, stalling longer by taking another swig of his beer. But he almost spit that out at Joshua's question.

"What?" he asked, trying not to sound totally shocked. "I mean...it's totally up to you who you date and all...but wouldn't that be weird...and unfair?" Simon couldn't imagine going through such a song and dance.

And if Joshua did, then what happened to his chances with the man? Maybe he would decided he liked women better? Or that they were easier or something?

"Joshua...I..." he started, taking a deep breath. "We should...I need to tell you something."

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh considered Simon's response for a moment, then heaved a sigh before returning to his beer. He remembered his time with Bekah. She was nice, and they had fun...as friends. But that wasn't really enough, was it? She certainly hadn't wanted to remain, because she liked women. And really he knew he had lacked the enthusiasm necessary for a straight woman. Kissing her had been weird, and not very appealing, and girlfriends probably wouldn't be thrilled by his fantasies about men.

Especially not now, with AIDS and the misconceptions that came along with it. If he dated a girl and she found out he preferred men and had slept with one, well, that would probably be the end of that.

"I suppose you're right." He conceded reluctantly. Fortunately, his study buddy seemed to have a change of topic in mind. Josh wondered what it could be. Was he transferring schools? Oh no, what if Simon had AIDS? But he didn't seem to be sick, so that couldn't be it, could it? Maybe he was changing majors and they couldn't study together anymore.

Josh decided to try for casual despite all the worst case scenarios running through his head. "Yeah?"

[Simon Fournier]

Simon would never want to worry his friend. Though he certainly had his own moments of anxiety and worrywart-ness, Simon was also usually pretty good at expressing those worries. Well, better than expressing his romantic feelings at least.

Now that he had the man's full attention, Simon felt like his whole mouth had dried up. He took a sip of his beer before looking Joshua in the eye. He wasn't exactly confident, but those eyes helped.

"I wouldn't like it if you dated girls," Simon said, sighing a bit at how lame he sounded. "I wouldn't like it if you dated anyone...well anyone but me. I mean...if you wanted to."

He hung his head as color flooded into his cheeks.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Simon's statement was so far from anything that Josh had ever expected that it took him a moment to process what had just happened. Had the other student really expressed romantic interest in him? It had never occurred to him that Simon might feel that way, but maybe it would be a good thing, dating after Sean. Maybe he would be able to stop feeling guilt and finally move on. Dating was what you were supposed to do, anyway, and maybe if he dated Simon his interest would increase.

That was definitely how this worked...right?

"Sure." He replied, then frowned. That didn't seem like exactly the right answer to Simon's confession. "I mean, we can date. If you want." He amended. That sounded better.