Power Swap: Spiral Highway (Josh)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Coping with telepathy had been difficult at first, starting with the fact that Sean had not realized it was telepathy. Instead, he had believed that he was being tested or that he had lost his grip on reality; his family and everyone around him believed the latter, fearing that he might possibly descend into insanity. Every secret, every thoughts, every sin of those around him clambered for attention in his brain, rendering him barely able to function.

Years of training followed by decades of telepathy made life without the ability as impossible to adjust to as the power had been in the first place. Now Sean keenly felt the absence of other people’s thoughts, and he found the silence of his own mind deafening.

Still, he pushed through it. At first, he had clung to hope that his powers would return, a hope that seemed grounded in reality due to two factors. That he continued to suffer from severe headaches (often more severe than usual), and that he had retained at least some degree of shielding; he could still feel those when he constructed them.

His telepathy had yet to return. His memory manipulation had yet to return.

After a series of unintentional calamities, the former telepath realized that he had developed a different power. He had yet to determine from whom it had come, although it was not Chase; the trainer had retained his power, the lucky son of a gun.

Sean did everything he could to rein in this new power, although he lacked the refined control of his telepathy and memory manipulation. This led to power slips.

Embarrassing power slips, since he was fifty-seven-years old, and nearly forty years graduated from Hammel. Potentially problematic power slips, given the nature of his new power.

Certain people tiptoed around him. With good reason, given the new reputation that abounded, as well as his and Kateri’s resolution.

At least Josh did not seem afraid of him.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh was concerned.

Ever since Sean had lost his power, he'd been in a funk. It was, perhaps, unsurprising; the telepathy formed a key part of the other man's identity in a way that the attorney simply couldn't fathom. In some underlying sense, Josh felt that telepathy was a useful function; that it was part identity often lay just out of comprehension.

What was comprehensible to him was the fact that his partner was slipping into depression over his powers loss. And Sean's depression meant that Josh, too, felt adrift, unable to help his lover to cope.

He wasn't a mental health professional, and he didn't have comparable experiences to draw from to offer support, and his anxiety and insecurities about his abilities to deal with emotions tripped him up. Instead he tried to lift Sean's spirits in small ways, like diligently learning to make scrambled eggs (despite his suspicions that he would only be able to burn it) and stocking the pantry and fridge with endless baked goods, and with increasing the amount of housework he took on so that Sean could relax.

Or, like today, by providing unasked steaming mugs of hot cocoa piled high with whipped cream and a plate of sugar cookies frosted in blue and white on the table.

"Did you want to watch a movie?" He asked. Sometimes it seemed that he only ever watched movies when Sean was unhappy, but the act of losing oneself in the screen did appear to help temporarily.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean found himself relying on Josh more frequently since the loss of his telepathy. The first day had been the worst, between the discovery and the immediate aftermath. He had leaned on his partner more in those eighteen hours than he had during any previous time, with the possible exception of the aftermath of family deaths. Even then, he had still been able to rely on his powers to keep him anchored. Now, without them, he felt adrift, and he had plunged headlong into depression.

Depression that he had to keep at bay to the best of his ability at work, because the students and his coworkers relied on him. Home, however, he could be vulnerable, and he felt simultaneously grateful and apologetic for the fact that he displayed such vulnerability in front of his partner.

Then the side effects had returned, and he had clung to those, hoping beyond all hope that the migraines meant that his telepathy would return any day now. Instead, he remained as mind-blind as ever, coping with the dreadful, deafening silence. Instead, he had developed an entirely different power, one that he could not control to the degree that he could control his telepathy, which he found as frustrating as he found it disconcerting.

He felt like he had to walk on egg shells. But at least he had Josh by his side.

At the sound of his partner’s voice, he lifted his head, offering him a grateful smile at both the cocoa and the cookies. “Thank you,” he whispered, reaching for one mug. So much whipped cream adorned the beverage that he managed to get some on his nose and above his top lip, providing a moustache of sorts.

“What movie were you thinking of?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh considered Sean's question for a moment. "We could watch The Secret Path," He suggested as he settled down beside his partner. "The synopsis sounded romantic, although the reviews weren't kind."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean scooted over on the sofa to make room for his partner. After taking his initial sip, he continued to hold his mug, allowing the hot liquid to warm his hands and to ground him to his body when he otherwise might drift away.

The title of the movie sounded familiar, but the psychiatrist could not quite place it. Without his telepathy, he lacked the ability to confirm the information by brushing the other man’s mind, and so he wracked his own brain, trying to remember where he had heard that title before. During that time, he focused on the mug in his hands.

Finally, he thought he had it, and so he lifted his head again, turning towards the man who sat beside him. “Is that the one about the two men in the British navy?” He vaguely recalled reading an article about it that confirmed both parts of what Josh had said: that it was a love story about a gay couple and that the reviews had been mediocre at best. Still, it might distract them.

“I’d be happy to watch that with you.”

That was a lie.

Not a lie, a half-truth.

The former telepath wanted to watch a movie with his partner; he wanted to revel in Josh’s presence. He simply did not feel happy about anything.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"That's the one," Josh nodded. Sean's response was...not terribly enthusiastic, but it wasn't a complete rebuttal, either.

"I'll queue it up, then," He offered, placing his cocoa down and reaching for the remote.

Click

The television remained off.

click. click.

"Oh, what's wrong with it?" He sighed, reluctantly moving from the couch to go check over the uncooperative television.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

At another time, Sean would have offered his partner a grateful smile, but he simply couldn’t muster that much feigned enthusiasm. Not at home after having to fake it at work day in and day out. Not with how he felt. However, he remained grateful for Josh’s presence here and for everything that the younger man had done for him so far.

They had so much to cope with already. A movie would be a distraction.

Instead, the television refused to turn on. Sean watched as his partner tried to start up the device, a frown on his face.

After a moment of watching Josh fiddle with the connections, he set down his hot cocoa as well, rising to his feet with a bit of effort. “Let me take a look,” he offered, as he approached the other side of the television.

The former telepath hardly qualified as a handyman, but he had done minor repairs around his home for decades. From an initial scan, nothing appeared amiss: everything was plugged in, no wires had been crossed, nothing was on fire. Yet the television refused to turn on.

“If it doesn’t work, we can do something else.” He said that for Josh’s benefit, as he did not want his partner to think that the lack of a movie would somehow ruin his night.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh felt a wave of disappointment wash over him as the television refused to work. He thought that his plan had been a good one, and he couldn't think of any better distraction from Sean's depression. He doubted that his partner would want to leave the house for a walk or to go have a picnic by the lake (although it was a bit chilly for that).

"....I could give you a back rub." He offered, trying to come up with a decent alternative.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean fiddled with the wires for another moment, pressing them firmly into the appropriate nodes in an effort to bring the device to life. His efforts proved fruitless, as the screen failed to light up; the set did not even crackle with static electricity.

Stubbornness might have guided his hands had he been in better spirits. Instead, now, he simply gave up, setting the television screen down gently so that it would rest on its stand, and he leaned back on his heels.

At Josh’s offer, he raised his head, looking over at his partner. He knew that Josh was trying his best. He appreciated all of the effort that the younger man put into their relationship, doubly so for everything since the psychiatrist had lost his powers. He knew that he had grown depressed and moody. He knew that, in the best of times, his partner had difficulty coping with certain emotional cues in other people, particularly in those he loved. He knew that both Josh and himself relied on his telepathy to navigate their relationship, perhaps more than either man would admit or that Josh even realized. He knew that this was a shift in their relationship dynamic.

However...

Softly, he said, “I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh settled moodily onto the sofa, retrieving his cocoa with a sigh. "Never mind. Let's not let the cocoa go cold. We can come up with something else while we drink."

Maybe.

He sipped in silence for a moment before asking, "Maybe we could play a game."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean saw that Josh had reacted precisely as he had hoped that the younger man would not, and he sighed softly. He felt a dull throb begin in his temples, and, reaching up, he tried to ward it off. No. Not now.

His partner didn’t understand.

In one sense, his partner couldn’t understand; such was the burden of being a telepathic in a relationship with a non-psychic, in a world designed by, and for, non-psychics. There existed so many barriers to true comprehension of experiences.

In another, greater sense, Josh often seemed detached from the nitty-gritty of Sean’s experiences, and that was what the former telepath worried about.

He remained on his knees behind the television set, rubbing his temples until he felt the throb dissipate. Then he pushed himself to his feet with effort and matching pain in his knees, before crossing back to the sofa.

Josh might not understand, he might never understand, but he owed his partner an explanation regardless.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, voice still soft. Although he picked up his mug, he did not bring it to his lips, instead allowing it to warm his hands again as it gave him focus.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"No, no, I said I would give you a back rub!" Josh corrected, not understanding Sean's concern. "Not that your back rubs have ever hurt me, but if that's what you're worried about, you shouldn't be."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“No.” Sean shook his head as well. Although he was older than he once was (and younger than he’d be eventually), his hearing was fine. He had heard Josh quite clearly, and he knew that his partner had offered to give him the back rub. He knew that, despite Sean’s pattern of focus on reciprocity and giving his partner pleasure, Josh would not expect him to return the favor when he felt as miserable as he did. He knew that the younger man had made the offer genuinely and without expectations. That was not the problem.

Physical contact was the problem. Pleasure was the problem.

Sighing again, he brought his cocoa to his lips, sipping for a moment to buy him time to find the words he needed to express himself.

Pulling the mug back, he explained, “If you touch me, and I take advantage of you, I could never forgive myself, and you shouldn’t allow yourself to forgive me for that either.

Glancing down into his mug, he added, “I can’t take that risk. It’s one thing for a teenager, but I’m old enough to know better than to tempt myself.”

Perhaps that was more cryptic than he had intended. What many people failed to realize was that his Oracle of Delphi act was not entirely deliberate.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh shook his head, still not entirely sure he understood. "You're not going to take advantage of me. First of all, you wouldn't. I know you, I've known you for forty years, Sean. And second. I..."

He paused, having not thought through this argument to even come up with a second point.

"Second..if you want to kiss or cuddle or or or anything, then you know I would say yes, so it wouldn't be taking advantage."

There, that took care of that argument...right?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean shook his head again. “No. I don’t want to take advantage of you. That isn’t the same thing, and I need us both to accept that if we’re going to have any chance of making it through this.”

He spoke like a psychiatrist, like someone deeply in touch with his emotions, careful with his phrasing, using “I” statements in an effort not to make accusations or to force Josh to shoulder more responsibility than he should. Even upset, he fell into trained habits.

Setting down his mug, he ran his hand through his hair, far warmer than it would have been otherwise. That did little to calm him, even with the self-soothing gesture itself. “I don’t have the one sense I trust most in being able to assess other people. That’s bad enough, but what I can do now...I don’t know how to control it.”

That hurt to admit. He was Sean Neville, considered one of the most powerful psychics in the world, a top-tier telepath. His shielding had been impeccable once upon a time. His mental touch deft and skilled.

But he no longer had those powers. What he did have, he did not know how to control, and that scared him.