AU: Triumph of Disintegration

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh had never expected his life to take the direction that it had. Oh, he had known that there was danger involved in his and Sean's line of work, but that his husband would sacrifice himself for the rest of the crew hadn't crossed his mind.

If they were to die, he had thought it would be together.

Not this utterly alien state, one wherein Sean's voice whispered to him inside his head but his body was dead. Rebirthing, he was told, but he wasn't sure how much of that he understood. He was glad that Sean's voice was still there, of course; he didn't know how he would cope if that too was taken from him.

But Sean's voice living in his head changed their relationship dynamic. He couldn't hug Sean (even though sometimes he could swear he felt that sensation) and he couldn't kiss Sean, or ask him about his day. This was better than nothing, but it was such an adjustment. He had never thought he would have a relationship with someone disembodied, and he wasn't sure how to go about a relationship that lacked the physical elements he had come to rely on for comfort and affection.

And then, what of Sean's body? It still existed, but it was separate from Sean's sentience.

Confusing. Everything was too confusing.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Ambassador Robert Hopkins had been busy for days. First, the grief of learning of his son’s death followed by his trip to Earth from Mnemosyne had occupied much of his emotional energy, as well as a fair amount of time. Then, upon confronting Gregory Strickland, he had learned more of the circumstances and set the captain on an adventure to recover Sean’s body. In that time, he had arranged for Joshua’s release from a psychiatric facility via breakout, as well as diplomatic immunity for Sean’s husband and their five senior crewmates. Followed by returning to Mnemosyne to prepare for Sean’s funeral service.

Then, miracle of miracles, he learned Sean was alive. Joshua and Captain Strickland had returned with his son’s body, having been caught up in a cycle of rebirth from the device tested on the world where they had left Sean’s body.

His son’s body was an empty husk, but it breathed, and it could live.

This presented a series of problems. A conundrum. He could not go through with the memorial service as such, because they had no body to bury. Not unless he allowed Sean’s body to expire; with life-saving technology, he could live on machines for another thirty years, and Robert would not want to deny him any chance of life.

Joshua, too, remained a concern. While a telepath’s mind – his very being – could survive in the mind of a trusted loved one, this was not designed as a permanent solution. In fact, it was untenable. The injections Joshua received periodically to help him with the process would eventually cease their function, leading to permanent insanity or neurological damage if Sean’s mind was not removed from his.

Yet, if Sean’s mind was placed in the memorial receptacle, then he could never live again.

It was an atypical situation.

The Ambassador had not slept in days. Instead, he had taken Sean’s crew to quarters arranged by the Mnemosyne Council. He had taken Joshua to his ancestral home, as Joshua was family. Just as Sean was his son, so too was Joshua for being his son’s husband.

The latter had been in mourning.

The elder telepath found him and knocked gently on the door, despite stepping through without waiting for permission. He had simply wanted to announce his presence.

“We need to talk.” He spoke gently, despite the gravity of the announcement. “But can I bring you anything before we do?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh rolled over in bed to stare at the ambassador with wide eyes.

"Oh. I didn't know you were coming over."

Sean could have told him. Or had Sean told him? Was that this morning, or was it last week? It was so difficult to keep track of time anymore.

He couldn't remember if he'd eaten that morning, but he didn't think he was very hungry. He was never very hungry anymore.

"No, no, you don't have to. What do you want to talk about?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Robert’s expression melted into sympathy. A cursory scan of Joshua’s mind told him that the younger man was deteriorating due to long-term contact with Sean’s psyche. It was to be expected; only the most highly-trained and powerful of the Telepathic Order could hold another’s psyche long-term, and Joshua was psi-null. He would call the doctors to bring him another injection when they had finished this conversation, so that he could have some clarity.

He pulled up a chair, moving close to where the younger man sat on the bed in his guestroom. In the guestroom that Joshua and Sean had shared numerous times when coming home to Mnemosyne for a visit. Comfortable and private, as a room befitted an adult married couple. As befitted his son and his husband.

The Ambassador chose his words carefully, as he needed to explain the severity of the situation, but was mindful of Joshua’s vulnerability. Not merely from the immediate situation and the attendant confusion, but from his grief and sense of loss, and from his ignorance of the ways of the Telepathic Order. Even married to a telepath, he did not understand, could not fully understand.

“We need to talk about Sean and about you. About what we are going to do.” He spoke gently, as he might with a child. Perhaps it was patronizing, but better safe than sorry.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh ran a hand through unkempt dark hair and leaned forward, expression intent. He wasn't sure that he entirely followed Robert's line of thought.


"Yes?" He asked uncertainly, hoping for more clarification. What about himself and Sean did Robert think warranted discussion? Was this about the telepathic burial rituals, was there some specific role he needed to play? It wouldn't be anything as barbaric as certain ancient human rituals, with sacrifice in order to be buried together. But perhaps there was some expectation of spouses when one died.

Some role he needed to play. Some help he needed to give.

"What do I need to do?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Robert clasped his hands in his lap and offered Joshua a gentle smile. That it was akin to pity more than reassurance, he could not entirely control. He was worried about the man seated before him, as worried as he was about Sean, because each of them was his family, and they were inexorably entwined. Not merely because of their marriage but because of Sean’s death, his telepathy, and their peculiar situation.

“Typically, when a member of the Telepathic Order dies, one of our Healers would extract his psyche from the mind of a loved one, to be placed in the Hall of the Ancients for the rest of time.” So it had been since the founding of the Telepathic Order, so long ago. Predating their separation from the rest of Earth, back when they had lived amongst the general human population and practiced their abilities and their beliefs in secret.

“We have to extract Sean’s psyche from yours. He cannot stay in there with you.” The Ambassador needed to emphasize this, and he kept his attention on Joshua’s face, staring into the wild eyes of his son’s previously clear-headed husband. He knew that might be difficult for the younger man, as he surely took comfort in Sean’s mental presence.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's brows drew down into a frown at Robert's explanation. "You're going to separate us?"

His voice cracked in despair. Sean's voice was all he had left of the other man, and he couldn't bear to part with it.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The expression of pity remained on Robert’s face. This was the inevitable downside of marrying outside of the Order. Not that he could pass judgment on Joshua, nor on Sean for marrying to other man; the Ambassador had encouraged his son to follow his heart, just as Robert himself had done decades earlier when courting the woman who became his wife.

Yet Joshua was ill-equipped emotionally or psychological to deal with this situation. For that, the Ambassador felt deep regret.

Tradition aside, for Joshua’s own mental health, they needed to be separated.

“The Healers have to separate you,” he explained gently. Perhaps, at some point, Joshua could accept that.

For now he had to make his proposal in such a way that he would not take advantage of the younger man’s vulnerabilities. Such a task was easier said than done.

“There is a potential upside, but I have to warn you that it is dangerous.” Ethically, Robert had to underscore that first, before getting his son-in-law’s hopes up about potential positive outcomes.

If everything worked out the way he hoped it would, with Joshua’s consent, then they would have reason to celebrate. If things took a turn for the worse, then they would have a funeral and Joshua’s permanent mental disability.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"But why? Why do they have to?" Josh demanded, covering his face with both hands. He didn't want to separate, wasn't sure if he even could separate. He wasn't sure that it would kill him, and that actually scared him far more than the idea of death.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Robert sighed softly, a simultaneous expression of sympathy and hopelessness at some of the situation. The stakes were daunting, and he knew that, with what limited understanding and knowledge Joshua had, he certainly found this impossible. The thought of losing Sean a second time surely had to be painful, as he viewed his husband’s psyche as a consolation prize for no longer having him alive.

He moved from the chair, crossing to sit beside the bed. He placed one hand on Joshua’s shoulder, as he explained, “If his psyche remains inside of yours, he will end up destroying you. By no fault of his own, but as a mind with a body, as someone not a telepath, his mind will eclipse yours. That is the natural order of things, and why carrying the psyche of a fallen telepath is supposed to be a temporary duty.”

Before too much damage could be done.

“To save you, and to save him, you must be separated.”

He emphasized that, needed to stress the importance of that.

With that said, he continued, “There might be another way. You would have to be separated, and the risks are grave. But, if it worked, and if you consented, then we could have Sean back with us.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Tears slid down Josh's face and splashed onto his sheets. Whatever objections he had, the Order would overrule them. He could protest all he wanted but he couldn't stop them from taking Sean away from him if that was what they decided to do.

And it was obvious Robert had made up his mind about this, even though he was wrong. As long as Sean was with him then everything would be fine. And if Sean's mind eclipsed his, well...would that be so bad?

But then a voice whispered in his head Yes.

Yes, it would be so bad. Not for his own sake; he didn't much care to survive Sean, really. But Sean's psyche would still be there, and would surely realize what had happened. And then his husband would be alone, without him, and with the knowledge he had destroyed Josh. And that really wasn't fair at all.

He couldn't do that to Sean.

"If what worked?" He whispered, voice hoarse.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Robert squeezed the younger man’s shoulder, offering comfort through the touch. The decades of his relationship with Sean had taught the Ambassador that Josh took comfort from touch, was an exceptionally physical person. What little he could do to reassure his son-in-law, he would do.

At the question, he took a deep breath as he once more deliberately chose his words. To provide the younger man with as much information as he could to allow him to make an informed decision, while not overwhelming him in the process.

Again, easier said than done.

“Sean’s body lives. For now.” Eventually, they would have to make a decision about what to do with his empty physical vessel. “There is a ritual, described in more ancient texts, about reuniting one’s living body with their psyche. Whether it is grounded in fact rather than mythology, none of us can say. Nobody for generations has ever attempted such a thing, because nobody has been in a situation where it was possible. But if it is possible, and it works, then Sean’s mind and body would be one again, and he would live.”

Those were the benefits of the procedure, under the best of circumstances. Unfortunately, much could go awry.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh peered out at Robert from between his fingers, cautious hope alighting in his face. "You could...you could....?" He trailed off uncertainly. It sounded too good to be true, but he needed to latch onto this morsel of hope that he wouldn't lose Sean forever.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I cannot make promises.” Robert owed Joshua the full truth, which, unfortunately, in this situation consisted of a number of unknown factors. Unknown factors that could create all manner of complications, beginning with the fact that it might not work at all. More horrifying than that would be the loss of Sean’s psyche in the process, or permanent damage to Joshua due to the fact that he was psi-null.

“But, the writings state that an adept enough Healer could possibly take Sean’s psyche from your mind and reunite it with his body.”

Robert squeezed the younger man’s shoulder again. He kept eye contact with his son-in-law, now that Joshua had looked at him.

“There are more risks with this. As I said, it has not been tried within recent memory.” If it had ever been attempted at all outside of legends and speculation. “Separating you to put his psyche in the Hall of the Ancients is a straightforward process.” Due to the inevitability of death. Even with the complication of Joshua’s status as a non-telepath, it would be straightforward.

By contrast, this was difficult.

“Separating you to try to join his psyche with his body could damage one or both of you. It is dangerous, and you need to be aware of that before making any decision.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh dropped his hands from his face, reaching instead to grasp at Robert's shirt. "But you could? It's possible?"

Any chance, no matter how small, was better than losing Sean forever.

"Please."

Please help, please do whatever is in your power to reunite him with his body so that I don't have to lose him.