Almost Picture Perfect (Alanna)

[Rachel Kells]

It was almost seven o'clock at night and Rachel was still out in the courtyard. She just needed to not be in her room, and she honestly didn't want to deal with homework or anything. She had already written her last history paper, so there wasn't much else that she cared about. Rachel knew that the last thing she needed right now was to be stressed, and honestly she felt like a monster. Stress wouldn't help anyways.

She was sitting under a tree, with her knees pulled up. Though it was summer, it got cold in Vermont. She was huddled in her kimono, and was trying to keep warm. Rachel was thinking. How hard would it be to end things? Just end them? She knew that she was a monster, and it was her fault that her world was crashing down around her. She knew that even magic couldn't make her dad love her anymore. She was trying though, sending him videos of recitals, asking if he wanted to come to events. She got no reply from the man, and her mom had warned her to stop.

As the sun set, Rachel looked up that the tree. It had been there a long time, and had probably held a lot of other student's fears in it. She wished she could just become a tree or better yet, become a butterfly. That way her dad would be happy. She wouldn't be meta anymore. That would be sure to make him happy.

Clutching her knees Rachel frowned as a Summer Azure she had named Little blue came to sit on her hand. She knew that the butterfly only wanted to help, but she also knew that it was the reason why she was a monster in her father's eyes.Shaking she looked at the butterfly and said, "Little blue, you should probably go. No I don't want company." Biting her lip Rachel frowned as more butterflies flocked to her, there had to be twenty butterflies, all a mixture of Summer Azure and Mustard White. To the outside eye, this would have been a perfect picture. A girl surrounded by butterflies. Inside she knew that the picture was far from perfect. Inside she knew she was broken.

Frowning, she muttered, "Please just go away."

[Alanna Darlington]

This summer evening - like most others this time of year - found Alanna wandering the grounds of Hammel. To be fair, this was the case during most the year, but summer meant even more freedom. Evening light was perfect for photography and so it was hard for her to stay away. As much as she had explored the grounds over the years, she still found herself searching, as though she might discover something new. In a way, she always did. The landscape itself might rarely change, but what filled it often did.

Today what had caught her attention though wasn't a sight but rather a sound. A voice. When she was alone, sometimes she let her guard down. That was how she had first heard it - the thoughts. Alanna hated the invasive nature of her power and was usually more inclined to ignore what she heard, but these thoughts were one she couldn't ignore.

How hard would it be to just end things? Just end them?

There were some things a person just couldn't ignore.

So she was trying to follow the voice, find the source, so she could do something - anything - to keep them from following through on such dark thoughts. She felt a bit sick to her stomach. Partially because she worried that she might be too late or she might not find them or she might not be able to do anything. But also because these thoughts were so personal, like about her dad hating her. She felt badly for hearing something like that.

Finally she found them - a small girl huddled up under a tree, surrounded by butterflies. Alanna bit her lip - an action which mirrored the girl she was looking at in fact - as she heard the girl tell someone - one of the butterflies she guessed - that she didn't want company. Still, she couldn't just walk away.

"Hi," she called out softly, stepping forward. "Would you maybe mind if I took a couple photos? I've never seen so many butterflies in one place before," she said, her voice warm and soft. Perhaps if she could initiate a conversation about something casual... maybe then she could find a way to bring it up. But just walking up and saying 'oh hi, I heard your thoughts, and you obviously shouldn't kill yourself!' was more like to scare her off than anything. Alanna knew that her power tended to freak people out and from the sounds of it, this girl had some issues with being a meta. Of course, Alanna could relate.

"I'm Alanna by the way," she offered with a small smile.

[Rachel Kells]

She just didn’t want to do this anymore. Her entire life was falling to shambles. Everything was goning crazy for her and she knew that she wasn’t getting better. What was there to get better for? She knew that she wasn’t the problem. Her power was. But her power was apart of her. Her power was what made her wrong. She couldn’t change that... could she?

Under the oak tree, she glanced up trying to focus on one thing. The leaves. Some were starting to fade, others were going strong, keeping themselves held to the branch, bright green. She knew that she was like the leaves fading. She knew that as she began to think and feel. She knew that as she knew she was the monster. She would always be the monster. Her father had once called her his princess. She was the only thing that mattered in his life.

That all just changed.

Just changed as she learned she was a meta.

At first she didn’t believe he could really think that of her. She knew that she wasn’t the easiest person to be around, principled and precocious, but she knew that he loved her. Always, and unconditionally. Right now though... now she knew that she had taken his trust and broken it so much by being a meta. She shooed Little Blue away from her shoulder and shook her head. They knew she wasn’t feeling well, but they didn’t know they were making it worse. So much worse.They were the ones that started this. They wanted her father to hate her.

In that very moment Rachel hated her power.She hated that butterflies, something that she had always loved, had betrayed her. They had made her father hate her. Despise her. Detest her. They had made her a monster. The butterflies, though, didn’t notice this, and Rachel had to laugh at their innocence. It wasn’t like they knew anything. After all, it was all her fault. Everything was her fault.

Understandably, Rachel didn’t notice as an older girl stepped out towards her. She heard her voice before she saw her, and suddenly Rachel’s entire demeanor changed. People weren’t supposed to see this side of her. Wiping the tears from her puffy cheeks, Rachel smiled at the other girl. “Uh, sure.” She smiled a bit and tilted her head. “They sorta, flock to me at times.” Rachel gave a half hearted grin and wrapped her arms tighter around her waist. I hope she didn’t see too much. I don’t like showing that side to others. Besides, it not like she actually cares. Just another stupid meta.

“Rachel” was all that she could squeak out. I don’t care if she takes pictures but please don’t let her ask me about anything. That was the last thing she needed.

[Alanna Darlington]

Alanna was soaking in a lot of information in a very short period as the girl's thoughts continued down their dark path. She felt awful, like she was eavesdropping on something so very private and personal... Well, that was exactly what she was doing really. Normally she would just run away, feeling awful for knowing things she knew no one would have willingly shared. But this was different. That darkness was dangerous... and also familiar.

She couldn't imagine what it must feel like to have her own family turn against her because of her power. But the feeling of hating her meta power and all the implications it had brought into her life? That she knew. The feeling that the future was hopeless, that overwhelming doom and just despair all at the hands of that power which was entirely beyond her control? That she knew all too well. Until Jas... well, she hadn't been much better off.

This girl tugged at her heartstrings and she simply couldn't walk away. She didn't know how, but she had to do something to try to help.

"It's lovely to meet you, Rachel" she said, a warmth in her voice that went beyond mere politeness. "Thanks for agreeing, by the way. You don't have to do anything special either," she added. For a moment, she fell silent, focusing on framing the photo. She didn't want to overwhelm her after all. Perhaps just giving her a little time to be used to her presence. After a moment she frowned, took two steps to the right and found that angle much better, finally snapping the photo.

She smiled as she looked at the back of the camera, using the opportunity to sit beside the girl, offering to show her. "The butterflies are gorgeous, but the way they surround and frame you... It just pulls all the focus to how beautiful you are." After the girl had had time to look at the photo, she took it back in hand, this time zooming close on a butterfly that had landed nearby. Perhaps if she kept busy, it would make the girl feel a bit more comfortable. After all, Alanna knew how hard it was to talk seriously when someone was staring at you. This way, there was no eye contact at all.

"Is this your power?" she asked after a moment, taking a guess. After all, this many butterflies in one place let alone around one person was certainly not natural. She didn't want to belittle her feelings or imply that she shouldn't be upset, but she wanted to attempt that connection. "I can only imagine what it would be like to have such a beautiful power... I think I'd do just about anything to trade mine most days." She was beginning to come to terms with it, but there were still a lot of times where it just seemed far more trouble than it was worth. Maybe there were moments that was less true, but that didn't undo years of mental warfare that it had caused her.

She continued to snap photos of the butterflies, waiting to see if the younger girl would ask about her power, give her a chance to truly talk to her and try to make her feel at least a little better. She didn't know if she could truly have that sort of effect on someone else, but she could hope that maybe she could make just a little bit of a difference. That would be enough for her.

[Rachel Kells]

Rachel's thoughts were her own. It was the only place where she didn't have to deal with social expectations or people that would try to , what was the word, fix her. She didn't like the fact that Doctor Neville kept trying to fix her. There was nothing wrong with her. It was all of her fault that her dad had done what he had done. It was all her fault.

It was her fault that her father had called her a monster, a meta.That was what she was though. A monster. She couldn't just say that though. She had to keep up the premise of happy little Rachel. Kind, and pretty little Rachel. The Rachel who still believed in magic. That Rachel was just stupid and naive. She scowled at herself, not realizing she was, and bit her lip. What a stupid little idiot who didn't know anything about anything. She was inherently just wrong.At least that was what she believed.Rachel was still halfway in her head as the girl approached. She recognized this and smiled a very overly bright smile at the girl.

She couldn't let the girl suspect anything, she had to be that stupid Rachel again.

Rachel offered up a small smile to the girl, surprised by the warmth. Most people just ignored her. "The butterflies are pretty though." She didn't know what else to say as the girl started to take pictures of the butterflies. She knew she had to get rid of her crying appearance though and wiped at her eyes, as well as blowing her nose. She didn't want to appear as weak. Well she was weak, but she didn't want to appear that way.

Rachel shifted a bit as the girl sat beside her. She wasn't sure what to make of this girl, other than that they seemed to be focused on the pictures. That was good. It gave her less time to focus on Rachel. She did look over at the camera when it was offered, and gave a small smile. "If you say so. I don't really know anything about photography." It was true. That was something that she didn't know anything about. The most she knew how to do was take pictures with her phone, and even that wasn't good. She did smile though as the girl continued to take pictures.

Rachel nodded at the question and smiled a bit as one of the butterflies landed on her outstretched hand. "Yea, they talk to me and sometimes I can control them." She didn't really want her power but she knew the other girl wouldn't understand that. "It's not really that beautiful." It wasn't even useful either. She knew that complaining was useless, and in turn she was useless, but the power was so stupid. She liked butterflies but wished that her power had never happened. "I wish the government would develop something to get rid of the powers by now." One would think that it would be the most logical thing. Meta's had been around for years, why hadn't they developed a cure yet?

If she was at Hammel the other girl had to have a power, but a person's power was a private thing. She wasn't going to inquire about the other girl's power, but was instead just happy to sit there and watch the girl work. Which she did for a while, until of course she was sort of bored. Not being alone, took away her time to think, which took away her time to cry. She instead began to watch the other girl whom seemed invested in her work. "How long have you been at Hammel?" Rachel was genuinely curious.

[Alanna Darlington]

Alanna felt very conflicted the more she heard this girl's thoughts. After all, she didn't think she wanted to fix her, but she did think she was being too hard on herself and she definitely didn't want to end up having to track down her school photo for the paper because they had to run an obituary for the girl. She was still so young... It didn't seem right that she was already thinking about the end.

Most of all, she remembered what it felt like to have that pressure to pretend everything was fine even when nothing was fine. To feel weak and vulnerable because of it. She remembered what it felt like to feel entirely alone in the world.

Maybe she didn't need to fix her - just be her friend.

She smiled reassuringly as the younger girl insisted she knew nothing of photography. "Well trust me, it looks great. If you want I can tag you in it on facebook or email it to you or something after I edit it," she offered. She smiled a little wider as she remembered that same offer was how she had started talking to Jasper the previous fall. How far they had come since then... it was pretty amazing.

But this wasn't about her. She had to focus on the girl beside her now.

It was hard to bite back a laugh as the other girl thought about how Alanna couldn't possibly understand what it was like to not want her power at all. Little did she know. But after her thought about Dr. Neville, she knew she had to be careful how she revealed her power. Still, she cringed at the remark about a cure.

"I used to wish for that a lot," she admitted. "But I'm starting to be kind of glad that didn't happen. I'd have missed out on some good things if I never came to Hammel, even if it would have spared me so many horrible experiences." She gave a small shrug. She wasn't trying to lecture, but she really had learn that things could get better with time, even if you couldn't always see it.

She was surprised when the younger girl asked her a question, though she was happy at the conversation that was starting to form between them. "I've been here for about three years now. I manifested when I was fourteen," she shared. "It was a pretty humiliating experience, so I was pretty happy to get away from my old school, even if my power kept me pretty secluded from everyone." A fond smile came to her lips once more as her thoughts turned to Jasper again. "I didn't make my first friend until this year though. Before that, all I had was my camera really. But that kept my going at least, even when I felt ready to give up."

[Rachel Kells]

Rachel looked towards the other girl and wondered how she did it. How she was so happy. All the time. The other girl just looked to happy. It was something Rachel would laugh at. Could scowl at. She honestly thought that innocence was ignorance. She hated how long she had lived in ignorance. Honestly? She was a monster. She was sure that others knew this as well.

Rachel didn’t know anything about photography and she was sure it came across to the other girl. “If you say so.” She hated herself a bit to be honest. She didn’t want to be told it looked great. She just wanted to be left alone. Smiling, Rachel tilted her head. “Sure, my name is Rachel Kells. I just got a Facebook.” She did just turn thirteen afterall. She technically wasn’t allowed to have one before this. “I’m kinda new at it.”

She wasn’t very good with technology in general, and was slowly understanding it.

It seemed that the girl had caught the cure comment. Rachel smiled over at the other girl, but internally she was fuming. The girl wasn’t supposed to catch that. Shit. she had better go back to being a happy, pretty doll. That way the girl wouldn’t suspect anything. “It is something that sounds entreating. That way people who don’t want their powers, don’t have to have them.” Like her. She hated herself and her power. It made her a monster. “I would have been perfectly happy if I hadn’t come to Hammel. It would have been a whole lot easier.” This girl didn’t need to know the details.

Wow. Rachel slightly grimaced at the girl’s answer to her question. “That seems like a long time.” To her it seemed like eternity. True she had been here for a while as well. “Sounds rough. Some manifestations can be brutal.” Her’s wasn’t but she wasn’t going to offer more information to this random girl. “As long as you had a way to survive I guess?” She said it as more of a question than a comment.