Time Warp: Everything Put Together Falls Apart

[Dr. Sean Neville]

((OOC: This occurs many months after "Time Warp: Kathy's Song."))


Sean had called Josh cryptically on Thursday morning to inform the other man that he was traveling to the City that Friday, and that he would stay with his parents if Josh couldn’t host him. Peculiar for the telepath, he had called and left a message at a time when he knew that the attorney wouldn’t be in his office, thus ensuring that his friend couldn’t answer the phone to talk to him directly. Likewise, Sean hadn’t answered when Josh had called to assure him that he could stay with him.

The next day, Sean tossed his luggage in the trunk of his car, opting to drive down from Vermont rather than fly or take the train. While the train would be easier, if not shorter in duration, the telepath needed the calm of a long car ride. He had always enjoyed long drives as a method of gathering his thoughts.

He arrived in the mid-afternoon, while the attorney was still at work. Sean parked his car on the street, filed the meter with as many quarters as he could, and then grabbed his luggage. He let himself in with the spare key that he kept and set his clothing and toiletries down near the sofa, which would become his bed for the night.

Then he left, to take a walk, which brought him to an outdoor market. He took advantage of the opportunity to buy Josh some fresh ingredients and real food.

By the time his friend returned home that evening, Sean had taken over the kitchen to prepare supper. He had one of his Simon and Garfunkel cassette tapes in the stereo, filling the air with the familiar lyrics and music associated with “The Only Living Boy In New York.”

Half of the time we’re gone but we don’t know where
And we don’t know where.
Here I am.
Half of the time we’re gone, but we don’t know where
And we don’t know where...

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh was excited but perplexed by Sean's impending visit. He didn't know what had brought him to the City with such little warning; perhaps his sister was pregnant, or perhaps a conference had come up last minute, or he had realized that he needed some more continuing education credits than he had and he had to take what he could get.

Not that the attorney was going to complain about a visit from his best friend. He was so thrilled, in fact, that he had stopped by the bakery on the way home from work in order to purchase an apple pie, and then to the liquor store for champagne.

He was so thrilled that he gave Trina and Davey only a cursory greeting when he passed them at the mailbox, when he ordinarily would have stopped to chat with them, instead so eager to see Sean that he bounded up the stairs, bottle of champagne in one hand and apple pie tucked under the other elbow.

He grinned when he heard the familiar tune, humming along because although he had heard the song many times before thanks to Sean, he wasn't a dedicated enough fan to know the words.

"Sean!" He kicked off his shoes (literally, since his hands were full) and sauntered into the kitchen. After placing his goodies on the counter he went over to his friend, wrapping an arm around him in a hug.

"It's good to see you!"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had been distracted enough, focused enough on his thoughts and the tasks of meal preparation, that he hadn’t heard Josh return home. As a result, he stiffened slightly before relaxing into the embrace, although he didn’t set down his utensils or return it.

The telepath turned to look at his friend, and, for all his calm demeanor and experience with schooling his expression, he couldn’t keep the melancholy from his face or from his body language. His shoulders were slumped, his brow drawn into dissatisfaction, and he had an aura of resignation and distress.

“Thank you for taking me in on short notice,” he told the other man. His voice wavered and he took a stabilizing breath. He had promised himself that he would do what he could to put on a happy face, or at the very least, not to ruin his friend’s mood this weekend.

The telepath gestured at the oven with the wooden spoon – he had opted to bring some of his own cooking supplies down, since he knew how Josh ate in his absence. “I’m making brisket, since it’s Friday.”

Josh’s mother often made brisket for Shabbat supper, to go along with the more traditional matzo ball soup and other dishes.

[Joshua Bernstein]

None of the scenarios Josh had run in his head involved Sean being unhappy. He stepped back from the telepath, brow furrowed in concern.

"It smells amazing," He observed, sniffing for emphasis. "But you don't look amazing. Bad trip down?"

He hoped that was all that this was.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I also made your mother’s noodle kugel.” That had been another mainstay at Bernstein family holiday meals, and Sean had immediately taken a liking to the side dish. Mama B had written him the recipe, along with several others, and the telepath had committed them to memory in the intervening years.

It also indicated that tonight was a comfort food night. He had a salad, since he’d had the opportunity to buy fresh produce at the market, and he had a fruit salad in the refrigerator to have with dessert.

The telepath had kept himself busy after his walk, another familiar pattern. One couldn’t live with Sean Neville for years and fail to notice him falling into the trappings of “idles hands are the Devil’s playthings.”

When upset, he drank, or he played the piano, or he kept himself as busy as humanly possible so that he could find distraction from his thoughts – otherwise, he would turn everything over in his mind ad infinitum.

He had never learned to take these well, no matter how many times they happened. And this one had been worse.

“The engagement is off,” he said quietly, and then he turned back to the oven. Eye contact required too much effort right now.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's jaw dropped open at that declaration. Sean had been so excited about marriage, and the prospect of beginning a family with Sam. As far as he had noticed Sam had seemed equally as enthusiastic about Sean.

He knew that breakups were always hard on his friend, much harder than his breakup with Simon had been for him -- he had been more bemused than upset by that turn of events. But this...this was more than just a breakup. Sean and Sam had gone the extra length to become engaged.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sean's waist again. "I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

If not, they could simply exist together. Sometimes that was what was needed.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean knew that his friend was home and standing beside him in the kitchen, and thus he didn’t tense from the embrace as he had the first time. Since they were together in the same room, Josh was within his telepathic range, and he easily heard the shocked thoughts in the attorney’s mind.

Sean had been present for the entire situation, and thus he felt less shocked, although he felt terrible about it. He hadn’t told his family yet, had only told Robert, because his instincts always brought him to his mentor’s doorstep during personal crises. Not that the elder telepath could do anything to change the situation; not that Sean wanted anything done. Given the reason that they had called off the engagement, he considered it better to have made the decision prior to getting married and having children.

Even if he had dearly wanted to have children with Sam.

He sighed softly and asked, “Do you have anything stronger than beer?” Josh preferred beer and thus kept it readily on hand; by contrast, the telepath only stocked it for his friend’s benefit. He drank it in a pinch, but he wanted hard liquor right now, particularly if they were going to settle in and talk about this.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Ahhh...well, I picked up a bottle of champagne on the way home," Josh answered sheepishly. Had he known Sean's reason for visiting he wouldn't have, because champagne was a purely celebratory drink. It was also stronger than anything else in his fridge.

"I can pour you a glass if you'd like. Do you want to sit?"

At least his flat was so small that the kitchen was only about a foot away from the kitchen, so even if Sean still needed to keep an eye on dinner he could do so from the comfort of the sofa.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Given the choice between champagne and beer, and with his mood, Sean opted against the bubbly, celebratory drink. He had neither the energy nor the inclination to pop the cork on a bottle intended for a happier moment. “I’ll take a beer,” he said, and then set down the wooden spoon.

“I need to wash my hands first,” he added apologetically. He had focused so much on his cooking, and he hadn’t had time for anything else, apart from loading the cassette player so that he could distract himself with music while he cooked.

Sean ran his hands under the faucet stream, washed them with soap, and then quickly dried them. With that, he checked the oven once more and then maneuvered around his friend – the kitchen was so cramped that the two of them couldn’t move around comfortably at the same time.

Still, eventually he made it to the sofa, and he settled down on one end, leaving plenty of room for the other man to join him if he so choose. Only when he had his drink did he begin describing the turn of events.

“We can’t raise children together.” He chose that word carefully, to distinguish between an inability to conceive children due to infertility.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh waited until Sean had washed his hands and left the kitchen before opening the fridge, since the last thing he wanted to do was slam a door into his friend's side. He grabbed two bottles, poured them into glasses, then made his way to the sofa. He handed Sean a drink and then sat down, tilting his head at his friend to indicate that he was listening.

At the confession he furrowed his brow in confusion.

"I thought you both wanted children."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean took the glass with a grateful murmur, before drinking half of it in one gulp. He hadn’t exaggerated his desire for hard liquor, particularly since he hadn’t imbibed at all today due to the long road trip. He would never allow himself to drive drunk; such a lapse in judgment would be unforgiveable, and not merely due to possible legal repercussions.

He nodded slowly, indicating that Josh had been correct in his assumption. “We do.” He downed the rest of his beer and set the glass down on the coffee table. “We can’t raise children together.”

He reached up to run his fingers through his hair in an attempt to stave off his despondency and frustration.

“To have a Catholic wedding, a real Catholic wedding, you have to go to counseling with a priest beforehand. You have to promise to have a Catholic family and to raise your children in the Church.”

The telepath swallowed and sighed. “I can’t raise my children Catholic. What if they turn out gay? What if I have daughters?”

He had thought about this frequently, even before he had lost his faith. He had disagreed with Church doctrine for his entire adulthood as a practicing Catholic, and in the decade since then.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Oh."

Josh hadn't considered that, because it was irrelevant to himself and all the children raised in his family.

"And she had to have a Catholic wedding?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean turned to look at his friend, because he thought that they had passed one another in conversation. He attributed that to entirely different life experiences and cultural expectations. Josh’s entire experience with Catholic customs came from spending time with the telepath’s family during holidays, primarily when they had lived together a decade and a half ago. Sean had never asked for Josh to accompany him to mass.

“Marriage is a sacrament,” he explained. Marriage was one of the seven sacraments, and while Sam was less religious than Sean had been in his youth, she still found it important to her cultural and religious sensibilities. “And, she wants to raise children Catholic.”

It wasn’t a matter of the Catholic expectation trailing behind her desire to have a wedding. It was that she wanted to share her faith with her future children, and Sean couldn’t meet her halfway there. He was too intimately familiar with Catholic expectations to shrug his shoulders and compromise.

“I can’t,” he repeated what he had said a few moments ago. “I’m fine with having a big wedding instead of going down to the courthouse. I’m fine with not contributing to the wedding planning at all except for how her mother wants me to, but I can’t make that type of promise.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Oh," Josh said again uncomfortably. "I'm sorry to hear that. I knew she was Catholic but I didn't realize..."

He had thought she was only nominally Catholic, and that whatever children she and Sean had together would be raised irreligious. He certainly hadn't expected this to be a sticking point.

"I suppose you really can't, then. I'm sorry," He murmured again, staring into his beer. He never knew what to say to his friend in the aftermath of failed relationships; he wished for words to heal his friend's broken heart, but he knew there weren't any.

So instead he scooted closer and looped his free hand around the telepath's shoulders, hoping he would derive some comfort from their physical closeness.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Josh had no reason to realize, since Sean hadn’t spoken about it often. Sam wasn’t the type of person who went to mass every week without fail, and her family certainly didn’t take their faith as seriously as the Nevilles did, but she was more religious than Christmas and Easter. And, more than that, her faith was important to her in her own way. Her cultural heritage was bound up in Catholicism, primarily from her mother’s side. Different from how Judaism was an ethnicity and a religion, since her ethnicity was separate, but it still played a huge role in her family’s life.

The telepath couldn’t argue someone out of their faith; he wouldn’t try to argue someone out of their faith. But he couldn’t raise children with the threat of Hell looming over them for defying Church doctrine. He couldn’t let his daughters grow up feeling inferior because of their gender, or for any child he had, if they happened to be gay or bisexual, to have to choose between their faith and family and the right to live their lives.

He knew that Sam would never reject a child for being gay, just as she loved the telepath despite his bisexuality, but even being exposed to a lifetime of those messages were so damaging.

He leaned into the embrace and tilted his head so he could rest it against his friend’s. “We reached a stalemate,” he admitted, and then he sighed. “Neither of us can budge.”