My Humaning is Not Going as Projected. [Dr. N]

[Clement Evans]

As a student who had spent several minutes of his first day actively on fire and whose first same sex student interaction had been with Jesse Adams, Clement Evans' life thankfully ceased with its Greek-mythology theme to produce a surprisingly industrious young man. Over the almost three years since, he'd been in Dr. Neville's office a number of times for fights or misunderstandings, and the man's kind and calm nature had downgraded Clement's abject fear of him down to a lowkey resentment of their size difference.

Many of the misunderstandings had arisen from the youngster's previously severely deprived life and consequent distrust of adults, and the good doctor had confirmed for him that yes, a person wore underwear every day and also socks, that changing clothes daily was also a thing and not just wearing the same set till they wore out and starting in on the next set, that the school meals were already paid for and not stealing, and how to use a bed, amongst many other things. Clement's upbringing had not included a lot of instructions most people take for granted, and the ones he did end up learning were for a culture over 6,000 miles away.

On rare occasions, Clement scheduled appointments with Dr. N, as he called him, purely for personal reasons rather than being mandated to go via staff. Like now. His schooling was going reasonably well even if he was three grades behind, he'd put nearly every penny of his job pay into his bank account, and he had a boyfriend.

The boyfriend was previously mentioned Jesse Adams, and since the twenty-two year old wasn't exactly known to be a warm person, Clement really wanted to know if he was Boyfriending Correctly.

Appointment time due, he knocked at the doctor's door, three measured, businesslike knocks.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean kept a list of students whom he monitored, either through mandated sessions, through voluntary ones, or from afar. Initially, Clement had been in the first category, due to his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad first day at Hammel, and also from his traumatic childhood filled primarily with deprivation. Yet, over the past three years, Clement had acclimated to Hammel and to a more stable life. He was keeping up with his studies – being held back aside, his academic achievements for his assigned grade were undeniable; he had managed to find and maintain a job without incident, and he had not had a bully problem for quite a while.

As a result, some time ago, he had been downgraded from the first category to the second. Of course, the psychiatrist kept his office door open, and he made plain to the boy that anytime he wanted to talk, he was available.

Beyond that, he didn’t press the boy; he knew how uncomfortable Clement could be around him and with his authoritative position.

Yet, the boy had made an appointment, and, as the time approached, Sean pulled his file in anticipation. Upon hearing the knock at the door, he called for Clement to enter.

They could begin.

[Clement Evans]

At the summons, Clement opened the door just enough to slink inside and gently closed it. He didn't know what it was about Offices, whenever he had to enter one he did his best to just... flow in with as little ceremony as possible. He took a comfortable chair across from the desk, did the criss-cross applesauce thing (careful not to get the bottoms of his sneakers on the chair material), and twisted his fingers together a moment before looking up into the doctor's face. Since he'd gotten glasses, roughly eight months after arriving, he'd seen the sort of... tortoise-like mellowness in the man that he'd been able to take some comfort in during the more recent sessions.

Exhaling, he got down to business. "How do you know if you're being a good boyfriend?"

As Dr. Neville knew who said boyfriend was plus all the history Clement didn't know, this turned the query into something much more complicated than it already was.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Although Sean was a psychic, he was not omniscient, a difference underscored by Clement’s question.

The psychiatrist had not expected that particular question when Clement entered the office or made the appointment. He had assumed, based on prior interactions, that the boy might have a question about further adapting to broader society, or might have questions about socializing in general, or he might have had another altercation with one of the students.

Not whether Clement was a good boyfriend.

Particularly given who Clement’s boyfriend was.

Jesse was too old for Clement, as a starting proposition. In fact, but for Jesse’s particular history, he would have been kicked out of the dorms for having aged out. He was too old for standard Romeo and Juliet laws to take effect. Not that the psychiatrist would call the police on Jesse for that of all things, not with the rest of the backstory. All of that was an issue for another day.

Perhaps for later today, depending on how this conversation unfolded.

“That depends on your reasons for asking,” the psychiatrist replied quickly. He took a moment to study the boy before asking, “Has your boyfriend told you that you aren’t?”

Despite his own complicated relationship history, he advocated open and honest communication.

[Clement Evans]

Most people who knew about Clement and Jesse's relationship were of the opinion that they were too far apart chronologically, but it wasn't something either of the boys thought about. They just liked each other, and that was that.

Clement shook his head. "No. Never." He fidgeted, chewing his lower lip. "But... you know Jesse's... um... kinda grumpy, right?"

This was most likely the least offensive way anyone had ever termed Mr. Adams' disposition since his arrival at Hammel. "Not that he's never happy," he clarified quickly. "But he just... sometimes you can't tell if he really likes something you did. If he doesn't, you know, but, the um, other end, it's hard. 'N... if I ask him he just scrubs my hair and teases me."

Messing up Clement's already messy hair and saying something like ''course I do, moron' or snorting wasn't exactly a roaring approval. Jesse did allow himself moments of emotional honesty with straight answers or fond smiles, but given how much Clement still had to learn about human interaction, maybe the older lad was feeling the opposite. He didn't know.

"Is there... something I can do to... make him less grumpy?"

Oh, Clement.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Typically, young people failed to grasp why other people, primarily older adults, assigned age ranges as appropriate or inappropriate depending on the ages of the participants and the length of the gap. Sean had had to intervene in a few different situations over the years, a memorable example of which was Angie May and her pregnancy two decades from her adult fiancé who had taken advantage of a young teenager.

Sean didn’t like the prison industrial complex generally, but he had wanted that man arrested.

The situation between Jesse and Clement didn’t quite rise to that level, particularly not with Jesse’s complicated (which was to say terrorist) background which precluded intervention from the authorities. Moreover, since Clement hadn’t come to his office to hear Sean advise him to breakup with his boyfriend, the psychiatrist chose to avoid that for the time being.

“I’ve noticed,” he replied simply. Jesse sat in his office twice a week, inwardly grousing about having to be there, and he had done so for years.

Telepathy provided Sean with other avenues for feedback from his partners over the years, but even he couldn’t tolerate that level of non-responsiveness and lack of serious conversation in his personal life. As such, he didn’t envy Clement that.

He considered the boy’s question briefly, before he said, “You aren’t the cause of his grumpiness, you know.”

[Clement Evans]

"I've noticed."

That simple phrase made some of the tension in Clement's shoulders disappear. Sometimes he thought he was the only person who saw how grumpy Jesse was, rather than logically believing the truth, which was that the Hammel population was so used to seeing Mr. Adams in a perpetual state of irritation that they didn't react anymore.

Many of Clement's past behaviors were marks of past abuse; keeping out of arm's reach and always noting where a person's hands were, leaving out key words that made his past abusers angry, etc. Most of them were gone now, or at least not very noticeable, but one remained. Whenever someone was angry in his presence, he generally assumed he was the cause. So Dr. N's next statement was met with puzzled surprise.

"I'm not?" And then skepticism. "I have to be sometimes, don't I?" With what Clement did know about Jesse, the guy had a crap father and a brother doing a really good mid-80s impression of Robert Downey Jr. And before his own arrival, the older boy had done something bad enough to get him perma-banned from the yearly retreat. On the flip side of that, he had a dog and a bunny, the kind of car that Clement frankly did not think he'd see once he left Los Angeles, and a pair of plastic cards he was in no way shy about using. So Clement could understand why he copped the attitude, he didn't understand why it was so... pervasive and lengthy.

Looking back down at his still twisting fingers, he murmured, "It's nice of you to say that but I think I am."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Truly, with the exception of Jesse’s younger sister Sasha, there was nobody at Hammel who failed to notice how grumpy and downright unpleasant Jesse Adams was on a good day, to say nothing of his bad ones. He remained the bane of several staff members’ work day, and Sean would have to lie that he said that he enjoyed their sessions; at most, the now-young adult had made some progress, and the psychiatrist remained dedicated and hopeful.

He couldn’t imagine the stress of being intimately involved with someone like Jesse. Not with Jesse, since he was a student and also thirty-six years younger than Sean was, but with someone who was so unresponsive and grouchy who was closer to his age...it would be like dating Cobalt Weaver. Except more reticent and more prone to lash out at others rather than internalize certain harmful behavior patterns.

The psychiatrist chose not to pursue that train of thought further.

“You’re not,” he confirmed for Clement, and then he shook his head in firm denial of the conclusions that the boy had drawn. “You don’t have to be, no. I can promise that this isn’t about you.”

Between Jesse’s abusive father and then the disastrous decisions that the young memory manipulator had made between 2010 and the present, it had nothing to do with Clement at all.

The psychiatrist shrugged his shoulders a single time. “I’m a nice person, but I’m also a telepath. Please trust me when I say that this isn’t about you.” It certainly wasn’t about false assurance for the sake of niceness.

[Clement Evans]

Well, there was the million dollar question. The one Clement wasn't exactly afraid to ask, but one he was waiting for Jesse to answer himself before he could ask it. It was probably something really bad, and Clement knew all about not wanting to talk about bad things. But.

If he wasn't the cause of Jesse's perpetual gloom... what was?

The teen was not by nature a nosy person, nor would he have become one had he grown up in an environment that had at all encouraged asking questions. But due to that same home situation he was quite good at intuiting when things were bad at a criminal level. And he'd seen that scar on Jesse's shoulder. The one that looked like a gunshot wound. He didn't understand how it tied into Gambit and that insanely expensive car, but guessed that the blond had been involved with some pretty high profile people at some point and then had things go south. Clement didn't know if there were any gangs in Vermont; there probably were but which ones he didn't know. Gangs didn't outfit their members with luxury cars either. It also probably wasn't organized crime like the Mafia. Never in a million years would he ever guess a meta terrorist group, mostly due to the fact that if one such existed and made a ruckus that got someone shot, it would be all over the media, enough so that even a kid who lived in a trailer with a single electrical outlet would hear about it.

Or, you know, not.

But Clement didn't want to ask, mostly because he didn't think he'd get an answer. From anyone. So he asked around it.

"Can I do anything to help him be less grumpy?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Navigating Jesse’s situation, specifically his past experiences at Hammel (although his background prior to Hammel brought its own baggage), put one between a rock and a hard place. In no way, shape, or form did Sean envy Clement this task, since the psychiatrist already had to do so from an administrative, professional place; doing so in his personal life was far more stressful. Moreover, Sean benefitted from telepathy, years of therapy sessions with Jesse, and firsthand knowledge of his experienced with Gabriel Underwood and M.S.A.D.

Clement had none of that.

Clement was Jesse’s boyfriend and had none of that.

Clement was Jesse’s boyfriend and had none of that, and both professional ethics and specific Hammel policy prevented Sean from divulging any of that backstory to the boy.

Instead, the psychiatrist would have to improvise by focusing on some of the unspoken questions inherent in the question that Clement had asked. “That isn’t on you.” He needed the boy to understand that. Jesse’s baggage and emotional states were his own, were his responsibility, and Clement not only wasn’t to blame but also held no responsibility or obligation for lifting the memory manipulator’s spirits. These were Jesse’s choices – insofar as some of his past decisions and his steadfast unwillingness to process them in an effective manner. Of course, Sean also subscribed to the belief that any person had to get themselves in working order (not perfect order, as that was impossible) before involving himself in a romantic relationship with another person; Jesse had failed to do that for Clement, which resulted in this uncertainty.

The psychiatrist looked across his desk at the boy as he explained, “Jesse needs to do that for himself. I know you’re his boyfriend and so it can feel like you should be able to do something, but this isn’t a romance movie.”

[Clement Evans]

Clement knew Jesse's mood wasn't his responsibility to regulate, but he cared about the older boy and didn't like seeing him constantly in such a funk. Occasionally he'd theorized that Jesse liked being grumpy all the time. He also knew Jess had a number of issues (that they were carefully not talking about), but who didn't?

Of course, he could be excused for not knowing his boyfriend's issues included terrorism.

The deeper implications of all this, he'd thought about while cleaning out stables at his job. He didn't know what it was about horse shit, just that it inspired a great deal of his introspection. There was the chance that Jesse would not get past whatever was making him a walking Eeyore, and that Clement would get frustrated being with someone allergic to joy and unable to express positive emotions in a way he could interpret.

What would happen then?

Clement guessed they'd stop talking to each other as much as they did, and he'd give back some of the more useless presents the blond had given him, like the cellphone. He might go over to see Ty sometimes, and eventually Jesse would move out and that would be that.

Just thinking about that made Clement's stomach clench. It wasn't that he couldn't make other friends, it was that Jesse understood him, that they understood each other, on such a base level that it seemed impossible anyone else could connect with him that deeply. He didn't have to pretend to not be pissed off or watch his mouth or at least try to look like he knew what he was doing (like in class). It was so easy to just barge into his boyfriend's room, pet his bunny, pull what was likely the eighteenth or nineteenth Tootsie Pop out of Jess's mouth and toss it in the trash and suggest they go do something instead of sit around listening to Jesse's teeth rot.

Fine, Clement loved him.

He'd felt a sort of hyung-ish feeling for awhile, the warmth of an older boy looking out for a younger one. But as they got to know each other better, Clement sensed, however unbelievable it was, that he was the more mature of them. And near the yearmark of the relationship, he was positive. That changed things, slightly. Seeing them as equals rather than in a older/younger dynamic made him more assertive, and he thought Jess appreciated it. But it also meant that instead of not questioning and accepting, Clement wanted to take a more proactive role in their relationship.

He frowned at the mention of romance movies. And proved that they were thinking on slightly different levels yet again. "I know it's not." He had no idea what kind of romance movie his and Jesse's boyfriendship would make, but he doubted it would be put in that genre. "I mean... well..." he looked at the psychiatrist helplessly. "You've known him longer than I have. Do you know what he likes? Besides his car and candy and smoking and his pets. But... to do."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

For what it was worth, Sean thought that Clement’s theory about Jesse enjoying his grumpiness wasn’t completely off-base. Even before falling in with M.S.A.D. and Gabriel Underwood, the younger man (the teenager at the time) had possessed an attitude problem that extended towards making everyone around him as miserable as he was. It was one of Jesse’s least acceptable qualities. Rather, it had been, before he graduated to violent crime and hate-based terrorism.

The psychiatrist was somewhat relieved to hear that Clement realized that this went beyond his responsibility. While Sean didn’t believe that romance movies or books were more responsible for society’s ills than most other forms of media and entertainment, he knew that all of the messages from popular culture blended together with preexisting cultural scripts to create a smorgasbord of beliefs, many of which were harmful. Many of which focused on the responsibilities of a more passive or at least non-toxic partner in a toxic relationship, as though they shouldered the blame for their partner’s bad behavior or baggage.

“I know a bit about him, yes.” Much of that was confidential, either the result of the mandatory therapy sessions that he and Jesse still shared after the younger man had returned to Hammel, or else the result of Sean’s telepathy. As a result, he couldn’t divulge that, but he could try to contribute to the conversation in a roundabout way. “What has he told you that he likes to do?” If anything at all.

[Clement Evans]

In the name of figuring out what the hell everyone was talking about, Clement had subjected himself to various forms of pop culture he would not have sought out alone. Which was why he'd read Twilight, seen A Walk to Remember, and had skimmed the first chapter of Fifty Shades of Gray before he'd gotten too disgusted to go further. None of those examples, save the Sparks movie, presented a relationship that one, Clement had seen in the wild, so to speak, or two, represented a relationship he wanted anything to do with. There were 'love lines' as they were called in Korean dramas, in the movies Jesse brought for them to watch, but they didn't look any more feasible in reality as anything else.

Of course, his culture of participation interfered in interpreting things like this; Koreans weren't shy about saying 'I love you' even to their good friends (of the same sex), or holding hands or other forms of casual touching (again with the same sex). With those of the opposite sex, Korea was still quite prudish; most couples had been introduced to each other by friends rather than meeting spontaneously, and dating culture typically happened to people older than Clement (but not Jesse), with a much stronger emphasis on finding a marriage partner than having fun.

But nothing in either culture gave him any idea of how to engage a personality like Jesse's, which was alternately unclear/enigmatic or like dealing with 20,000 angry bees. In most romance stories, the pair find common ground in a shared activity. But most of what Clement liked to do were not very social things, and the ones that were Jesse had no interest in, and vice versa. The movie marathons were okay, but made the younger boy restless, and spending money at the mall on needless things was anathema to his very personality. Jesse did like to run, and Clement had gone with him several times, but it wasn't really a bonding type of activity.

"He likes watching stuff, visiting his dog, smoking, eating sugar... listening to angry music, not sleeping, playing with Ty." Clement shrugged. "He's... not... adventurous, I guess. He doesn't seem like he's into doing... stuff he doesn't usually do." The youngster flushed a little across his cheeks. "I was hoping maybe you knew something he liked to do that I don't."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had been fortunate in that he had never read the entirety of Twilight nor sat through the movies. He had read passages with Josh while the attorney had recovered from his brutal assault in the woods those years ago, and he had been subject to rants from both his partner and several students and faculty about the topic. He had many opinions about illness as redemptive love stories which led to him ignoring most of what Nicholas Sparks produced. Less fortunately, he had read Fifty Shades of Gray after drawing the short straw among the other adult volunteers at the LGBT Youth Center. It had been everything he feared and worse, with the normalizing abuse and tortured prose.

Not that the psychiatrist ever discussed his personal life with the students, beyond introducing Josh as his partner when they chaperoned events together and mentioning that he was bisexual to people who either incorrectly believed him gay or else required an expression of solidarity. Still, as someone whose partners had some kinks or kink-adjacent interest, it frustrated him on a personal level that someone would disguise abuse apologia as BDSM acceptance.

It bothered him on a broader level that teenagers and impressionable young adults might pick up those books, or see the movies, and decide that they needed to tolerate abuse in the name of “true love.”

It concerned him that someone as vulnerable as Clement might adopt those lessons in a relationship that already contained an inappropriate age gap and a full deck of red flags.

The psychiatrist nodded after the teenager rattled off each of Jesse’s interests; all of those were what Sean knew about already, due to one factor or another. He also made a mental note to send Vincent Romanov up to Jesse’s room for a contraband sweep. “He’s not particularly adventurous,” the psychiatrist agreed, at least not in terms of what Clement was looking for.

He then spread his hands. “I typically advise asking one’s partner in no uncertain terms in situations like this. ‘What do you want to do?’” However, Jesse was reticent to answer honestly, and Clement was reluctant to take yes for an answer. “Since that hasn’t worked out so far, I think your options are to continue to do the unadventurous things you do together or to express dissatisfaction on your own part. Not for him but for yourself.”