Power Swap: Learn How to Fall

[Joshua Bernstein]

"You're wrong," Josh contradicted, heart nearly breaking to hear Sean talk about himself so. "You're Sean Neville. You're a doctor, you're a mentor, a volunteer, a friend. You're my partner." That last was the most important to the attorney, but there was value in all of those, value outside of telepathy, even if the other man didn't see that.

He was gratified to hear that he was helping, even if he couldn't see any outward signs. No choirs of angels had descended to accompany a magic restoration of hope and clarity and telepathy, no bushes were burning, no booming voices sounded from the heavens above.

The only proof he had was Sean's heart beat, slowed from the unnatural pace it had been earlier, though still not calm enough to be entirely comforting.

The mention of Robert, and the confession that this was familiar because he'd done this with his mentor, didn't send him into a spiral of jealous insecurity the way it would have if the name mentioned had been one of Sean's past lovers.

"Robert was a good man." Josh murmured, grateful for the influence he'd had on the other man's life.

The fact that Sean was calming down was a relief, because the attorney wasn't Robert, and this entire exercise was draining. He'd never had the strength necessary to be the telepath's foundation, a fact that had caused him to flee all those decades ago. He thought he was stronger now, but not strong enough.

"Do you think you'll be able to eat?" The question asked because the doorbell echoed throughout the house, announcing that their lunch (and dinner) had arrived at last. If Sean couldn't eat it, he would simply put it in the fridge until later.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean tightened his grip on Josh’s hand a bit, not clutching but offering reassurance through touch and taking it as well. The other man’s words were uplifting, knowing Josh’s opinions even if he couldn’t know them properly at the moment. He spoke into the other man’s chest, although he was audible enough. “Being your partner is the only thing I care about right now.” He hoped that Josh realized and understood that.

Sean, too, was grateful for the influence his mentor had on his life. “Robert saved my life and my sanity.” Robert was more than a good man for that; Robert had been his salvation, those decades ago. Despite being dead, his influence still helped keep Sean calm, as it was those exercises his mentor had taught him which he utilized now in an attempt to calm himself. It was those fortifying sessions which kept him from breaking completely in the absence of his telepathy now.

If his telepathy were here, he would have heard Josh’s self-doubt and assured him otherwise. Josh was strong enough; it was something Sean could see in him even if Josh was blinded to that fact. That strength would help them through this rough patch, before Sean’s telepathy returned or he forced himself through trial by fire to return to his normal role, ending the topsy-turvy.

The psychiatrist heard the doorbell as well, and with a soft sigh he lifted his head from Josh’s chest, so that he no longer had him pinned to the bed. He moved over, resting against the headboard, and opened his eyes. “I honestly don’t know. I can see how I feel once it’s on my plate.”

If he couldn’t, perhaps he could brew himself some tea. He was used to forcing that down.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh only reluctantly released Sean, because he had been the one to order the food, and he couldn't very well leave the poor delivery person outside waiting as much as he wanted to simply hold Sean and not let go.

"I hope you can." He leaned over to kiss the other man on the forehead, not wanting to risk the recoiling from earlier with a more intimate move to the lips. "You need to eat."

As if Sean didn't know that; but he couldn't (and wouldn't) force his partner to eat if he didn't feel up to it. He would, however, provide food in case it was desired.

He slipped out of bed, snatching up the tray (his plate and coffee empty, Sean's depressingly untouched) and gingerly made his way out of the room; the remainder of the cheesecake left behind, because he didn't think he could bring it back down with him without dropping either that or the tray, neither of which would make his day any better.

"Be back with lunch."

---

As promised he returned with Chinese food. Multiple trips were in order simply because he'd ordered several courses worth of food, and he couldn't bring it all up at once easily, but once he'd set soup and appetizers and meal and fortune cookie in front of Sean he snaked his way back into bed, picking up his own soup and glancing questioningly at the other man, hoping that the smell would entice him to eat since he'd skipped breakfast.

"Feeling a little better?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Josh had taken the tray which made it impossible for Sean to do anything useful in the bedroom while he waited for the other man to return. For the sake of making himself feel helpful, he rearranged the pillows on the bed and cleared off the night stand should they need the space. And when Josh returned with the tray and the first batch of food, Chinese food from his favorite restaurant which made the psychiatrist inwardly smile, he tried his best to arrange it a bit, to help.

Then Josh was back in bed beside him and the smell of the food was enticing but looking at the beef and chicken dishes, his stomach still turned over. It would apparently be one of those days; the cause was more than sufficient this time. “Thank you,” he told the other man sincerely, because he wanted Josh to know that he appreciated all of this: the attention, the caring, the effort, the food, even if he couldn’t eat.

Because he didn’t want to disappoint his partner, he picked up his soup and decided to poke at the broth. Perhaps he could keep some of that down. As he swirled his spoon around the plastic container, he looked over at the other man. “Yes and no. I’m calm now, for which I’m grateful.” He was coherent and calm which was an achievement.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh leaned over his soup so as not to spill any on himself, his hope that Sean would somehow have miraculously recovered in the time it took him to pay the delivery person and bring the food up to the bedroom evaporating.

"Calm is excellent." He commented, not allowing his disappointment to show; he couldn't expect immediate success, as much as he desired it. This was a huge change, and his partner needed time to deal with it, even if it hurt in the interim.

"I wonder if this is effecting the entire country, or just Pilot Ridge..." He mused. It was such an odd thing to happen, and he couldn't think of any precedent for people's powers ceasing to exist, or for new ones to manifest.

But that might not be the best topic of conversation when Sean was dealing with the stress of losing his telepathy.

"But, ahhh, I suppose we can't do anything about it now!" He offered the other man a shaky smile. "Would you like to watch our movie while we eat lunch?"

He dropped his gaze to the food in Sean's lap; his partner was stirring it absently, not lifting it to his lips, but he still hoped he might eat even a little.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The psychiatrist wanted to be less depressing for the other man, because Josh had been trying so hard all morning and he deserved better. As such, he made an attempt at humor, although he couldn’t smile. “I told you that I used to get kicked out of class for being a distraction. Do you believe me now?”

That wasn’t quite as humorous as it could have been. However, it was also the most of which he was capable at present.

He was also grateful that Josh didn’t ruminate for long on the topic of how far the affected radius was. The psychiatrist would force himself to inquire about Hammel later, but since Pilot Ridge was the nation’s metahuman capitol, it was logical that they would be ground zero for a problem like this. But he didn’t have the energy to ruminate on that at the moment.

At the suggestion that they watch their movie, Sean nodded and set the soup container down on his night stand, without having taken a sip. “I’ll put it in,” he volunteered, as he wanted to do something today. He then rose from the bed and picked up the box, before crossing to the television, popping the disc into the DVD player and bringing the remote back to bed. Climbing in beside Josh again, he started the film up and didn’t reach for his soup container.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh managed to finish his entire lunch during the time it took for their movie to play. During any normal day eating while watching To Have and Have Not would have been an impossibility, but today was anything but normal, not with Sean's distress.

As the credits rolled he glanced over at his partner and stifled sigh; Sean's food remained untouched.

He moved his empty bowls and plates to the nightstand, out of the way for the moment, unwilling to leave the room again when his partner was too upset to even eat and thus needed his presence -- or so he told himself -- and placed one hand lightly over Sean's.

"I don't think I'll ever tire of watching that film, Steve."

He wasn't much of a movie watcher, would in most cases decline offers to watch them, but he could always find time to watch the one with such significance in their relationship, especially now that they could (and were) using their college nicknames for one another with impunity.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

To his credit, Sean had made an attempt to eat his soup, but the first spoonful, while flavorful, hit his stomach like lead and he found himself unable to make a second attempt. He was unconcerned by this, because he was familiar with his loss of appetite during depressive episodes, and he remembered his panic attacks from forty years ago. Eventually his stomach would settle, and he could eat food; there was more than enough for when that occurred.

And if his stomach hadn’t settled by supper, he would brew a pot of tea and perhaps take something. He knew that this was distressing to Josh, who wasn’t used to these symptoms.

He felt the other man’s hand touch his, and he glanced down at their joined hands briefly, before turning his head to look at his partner. “Neither will I, Slim.” That was hardly a secret; the movie was a personal favorite, had been as a boy before it took on the multitude of levels of significance it had now in their relationship. Or when it had in their youth when he’d been Humphrey Bogart and Josh had been Lauren Bacall. In their glory days.

Because he was out of sorts, he didn’t press Josh back into bed as he usually did after watching this movie with him. He did, however, turn to kiss his cheek in gratitude.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Considering Sean's mood, and the fact he recoiled from even kisses, Josh certainly hadn't expected the normal finale to their movie, and so he wasn't disappointed when the other man merely gave him a peck on the cheek, though he did think that was an improvement given earlier behavior.

It was an improvement given that Sean still hadn't eaten his lunch or his breakfast or drank his coffee.

It was an improvement given that he thought not having telepathy was a disability and he couldn't understand how to have physical contact without it.

"So, ahh..." He turned, propping himself on one elbow to look Sean in the eyes. "What would you like to do now?"

He'd never had to ask that question after that movie before, but he did now. Continue the crossword puzzle, continue their conversation about Sean's baggage.....sleep.

They had options.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The psychiatrist met the other man’s eyes, his expression open. He reached out to lay one hand on his chest, simply touching.

The question was more difficult than perhaps Josh intended it to be. Sean didn’t want to do anything.

That wasn’t entirely true. He wanted to press Josh against the mattress and strip off his tee shirt and be with him. But the thought of doing so while deaf, blind, and disconnected caused his stomach to knot. It was wrong because it felt empty. And while he understood logically that this is something he should learn how to cope with, he didn’t want to consider the possibility of his loss becoming permanent.

Besides, it was still day one. He shouldn’t depress himself in the long term that way.

Unable to do that, he mentally ran through other options.

It was too early to sleep, since it was still afternoon, albeit later afternoon. It wasn’t even time for supper yet. Additionally, Sean wasn’t tired. He was emotionally exhausted but physically he had exerted only a fraction of his daily energy; he’d barely left the bed today, hadn’t left the bedroom at all. And he rarely slept when he was depressed, even if he wanted to.

He still wasn’t hungry and he wouldn’t propose an early supper.

They still had the crossword puzzle.

He didn’t want to inflict any more of his emotions and fears on Josh.

They could read, although they had drastically different taste in books. The last book they’d read aloud together had been Torn which would only present the same problem of causing his stomach to knot; he didn’t think it fair to get Josh riled up and offer no relief.

He also realized he’d neglected to shower today.

That actually might help.

As such, he titled his head slightly and asked, “Would you mind if we moved to the hot tub?” Realizing how that might sound, he added, “When I was younger, the sensation of floating helped a bit. It’s comforting.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh tilted his head to one side, waiting for Sean's answer.

When it came, it wasn't what he expected, and for a moment he was shocked, until the explanation that followed.

Ah. That made more sense. It was a trifle disappointing, but it was certainly more understandable than his initial thought, which was helped along by knowledge of what this offer usually meant.

"We can." He stumbled out of bed once more, hesitating as he passed his nightstand, wondering if they ought to do anything about the food. "I'll put the food away and meet you there?"

If he'd thought Sean would eat he would have offered to bring lunch with them, but he doubted his appetite would return simply because they changed locations. If it somehow did, well, there was nothing preventing him from fixing up another plate. Besides, the cheesecake at least didn't need to be left out all day long.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Honestly, Sean didn’t want to send the other man mixed signals. Unfortunately, his attempts at explaining why this was so difficult for him weren’t the most helpful or coherent. He thought that his partner understood to what extent he could, but Sean still felt apologetic and that he owed more of an explanation. The only words that came to mind were cardboard and husk, neither of which he thought were helpful.

Particularly not when that was what sex was like for everyone else.

The psychiatrist flashed Josh a brief, grateful smile, one completely devoid of mirth. However, he was truly appreciative of Josh’s willingness to indulge him while he attempted to regain his bearings, and how it took the form of accepting this otherwise peculiar request.

At the suggestion of meeting him there and mentioning food, Sean glanced at the containers and silverware on the bed, the tray, and the night stands. It would have to be put away, otherwise it would spoil and that was a waste. “Would you like some help?”

It was true that he hadn’t left this room all day, but he was capable of going downstairs and wrapping food to preserve it. That didn’t require telepathy.

“Otherwise I’ll just change and get the tub started.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

It honestly hadn't occurred to Josh to ask for Sean's help with anything, because he was trying to be the one to take care of everything. He didn't want Sean to worry about anything that was within his power; he had enough concerns as it was.

And so, at the offer to help, he scrunched up his face, looking from the remnants of breakfast and lunch and then back at Sean. "I think I can..." He began, then realized just how much food and dishes this was. "Actually, that would be great, if you don't mind."

He hoped that it didn't offend Sean, being asked to help, but it would get the work done faster. Otherwise Sean could be waiting for him in the hot tub for quite a long time. Then again, he might enjoy relaxing alone so...

"But only if you want to!" He hurried to reassure his partner, in case he was only offering out of obligation. He wanted this day to be entirely about Sean and his needs, and if that meant clearing the bedroom of dishes and leftovers and putting away food without help then he would do so without complaint.

"I can handle it, but it might go a bit faster if we did it together."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I don’t mind,” Sean reassured him. He didn’t offer another smile, since he knew that the last one had been utterly devoid of anything that should be in a smile. However, he didn’t mind helping; he wanted to help, wanted to be of some use to prove that he wasn’t a delicate tea cup.

While he’d spent the entire day proving that he was more fragile than he let on, it didn’t mean that he was incapable of doing a little bit of housework. If he had known that Josh’s intention was to make this entire day about him, he would have balked; he wasn’t used to that type of care. It was usually the other way around.

And Josh was quite correct; it would go faster if they worked together. As such, Sean rose from the bed and began picking up plates and containers, careful to not spill them. His unused silverware was dropped into the pockets of his robe to make the task of carrying easier.

Once he had an armful of leftovers, he crossed the room and the threshold, exiting their bedroom for the first time that day. It was a short trip down the hall and down the stairs, then into the kitchen. Once in there, he pulled out the saran wrap for their leftovers.

“I want to thank you for being so good to me today.” He didn’t smile, but he turned to look at his partner, attempting to convey his gratitude. “It means the world to me. That you’re here; that you listened.” That he hadn’t left.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Leftover food went on the counter, to be wrapped and put in the fridge dish by dish. Dishes went in the sink, to be rinsed before going into the dishwasher.

Josh turned on the faucet, scrubbing at each plate before delicately placing them in the empty dishwasher, glancing up as Sean addressed him.

"There's no need to thank me," He dismissed the gratitude with a shake of his head. There hadn't been any option in his mind about what to do; Sean clearly needed him, and in that case he would oblige. Had to oblige. Wanted to oblige.

"Of course I'm here," He gave the telepath a smile before turning his attention back to the dishes. "I want to listen. I know I'm not always very, ahh, very good about that, but I do want you to be happy, you know, and if talking about it helps then I want to listen."

He wanted to know Sean's troubles, because if he didn't know they existed how could he possibly work to get rid of them? He wanted to heal his partner as best he could, and he didn't really know how. At least listening to Sean talk felt productive.