You're Not Real (Rue)

[Deleted]

Another average day, another average way to spend the time. After giving himself a nice dose of dust, Phoenix had taken to the streets of downtown, sunglasses perched on his nose as he gazed around at people and hallucinations passing by. With his hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, his slouched, lazy gait, and unreadable expression, no one usually bothered him. He practically read "unapproachable". Which was just how he liked it.

He turned a corner, following a particularly interesting flying rabbit that had caught his attention (mostly because it was bright, neon green and had wings). The strange sight had almost gotten a small smile on his face before it disappeared and Phen was hit with a much, much different vision.

It was him.

It must have been an illusion. Phen shook his head, trying to rid himself of the view, but he looked again and he was still there. That familiar tall, strong build; that perfect white-blonde hair; those deep, piercing eyes he had looked to for comfort and advice so often before. Rue appeared in his hallucinations on occasion, but it had been a while since the last time, and it threw Phoenix off.

Phen had stopped in his tracks, mouth slightly agape as he stared at the vision before him. "You're not real," he finally managed to stammer. "You're not supposed to be here." He closed his eyes and opened them again, but Rue was still there. The aching in his chest that had appeared at the first glimpse of his ex-lover was steadily getting worse. "I'm just hallucinating. You're not real," he repeated in a hoarse whisper, taking a fumbling step back.

[Rue Zhao]

Another average day. The move back to Pilot Ridge had been a frustrating decision of Rue's for his family. But he'd always liked the atmosphere Vermont provided. It was much more calming that the hustle of the major cities. But now that he was settled in, and had decided to take to the streets to see how much had changed in the time he was gone. He was initially thankful to see that most of his favourite places were still around, but before he could relish in that fact, his mind was taken elsewhere.

As he walked down the street, he was all but stopped by the familiar face he'd been wanting to search for. What he didn't expect was the rush of negativity and... Almost depressive feelings. He'd seen people walk with a proverbial dark cloud over their head before, but this was...

"Pheonix?" Rue asked lightly - tentatively, given the way he was acting. He didn't expect to be told he wasn't real. When Phen took a step back, he took a small one forward. "I am real. And I'm here." He reassured, though he didn't know how reassuring he could actually be. This wasn't the reunion he'd been expecting.

[Deleted]

Phoenix shook his head slowly, trying to make sense of the situation. Rue had left for college in some other state two years ago. They had lost contact, and Phen had struggled to come to terms with the fact that he might never see him again. He had never completely accepted it; he was just too hung up on what might have been to really let go of him, even while he tried to forget his feelings by distracting himself with other people. No one had ever managed to make him forget, though.

And then Rue spoke his name, and Phoenix was even more confused. His hallucinations didn't normally make sounds, especially talking. He stopped again as Rue stepped towards him, brow furrowing slightly as he tried to make sense of the situation. "You... You left me," he spoke slowly. He was more hurt than angry. "You haven't been in Pilot Ridge in..." he trailed off. "I must be hallucinating," he whispered under his breath.

He reached his hand out as though to swipe through the vision, expecting his hand to pass through Rue and for him to finally disappear. But when his hand reached Rue's form, he was met with a real, tangible being. His eyes widened, and he gaped up at his ex-boyfriend. "It... It is you..." he stammered. His fingers wrapped around Rue's arm, and he struggled to know what to think. He didn't know if he wanted to hit him, hug him, or run away. And so he just stood there, feeling like an idiot.

[Rue Zhao]

Rue tried his best to remain calm, but it was already proving to be difficult. Being in Pheonix's presence again forced a rush of memories to come back to him. Happier times. Times when Pheonix didn't ever look at him like... Well, like this. Rue glanced at the ground when Pheonix spoke - yes, he had left. And that was still difficult to come to terms with. Achingly so. The pain in his voice only amplified the feeling.

He could feel his own aura shifting, darkening under the weight of everything around him.

Rue's eyes widened somewhat when Pheonix reached out and touched him. When he caught his eyes, he tried to smile. But the look on his face was disjointed; the emotional response was raw. "I came back." He started gently, "A few days ago, actually." Reaching up, Rue gently placed his other hand on Pheonix's, tentative to make contact. "I didn't know if..." His voice trailed away. If he should search for Pheonix? If he should even try to make contact? For once, he hadn't thought anywhere past the moment in front of him.

[Deleted]

Phen's heartbeat was quickly speeding up in his chest as he processed that Rue was really here in Pilot Ridge, whether on vacation or for good he didn't know, nor did he really care. It was just something he hadn't expected, and now that it happened, he didn't know how to react. He had never prepared himself for this to happen.

He shifted the sunglasses off of his nose, tugging them away completely and putting them in his pocket, as though to get a clearer view of the beautiful person before him. He still looked the same, maybe just a little older, a little wiser. As Rue tried to smile, Phen's chest ached, and he blinked back whatever emotions were trying to bubble up. "You..." he trailed off. Did that mean...? "You mean for good?" he murmured, unable to hide the hope in his voice. He still felt very hurt, but a spark of good feelings lit inside him as Rue's hand closed over his, memories of them holding hands around Hammel replaying in his mind.

"I've missed you," he mumbled, his voice cracking slightly. He had a hard time meeting Rue's eyes, but when he looked up again, he was hit with another wave of memories. "Wh... Why are you back?" he asked. And why did you leave me in the first place? his mind was screaming.

[Rue Zhao]

Rue raised a hand to the back of his neck, rubbing against his skin idly as he thought of how to answer. "Yeah." He said quietly. He was back, and as far as he knew, it was for good. Or at the very least, another couple of years. But it didn't feel like the right time to elaborate on his answer.

Being close to Pheonix again was a trip - memories were clouding his judgement and leaving him confused and hazy.

He was supposed to be smarter about this, but even he found it difficult to meet Pheonix's eyes so directly. The downfall of their relationship had been his fault, but here he was and he didn't even know what he really expected. Forgiveness? He knew he didn't deserve it. And if he got it, he'd struggle to believe it was even genuine. Rue didn't even know what he really wanted. "I transferred my classes to the college here in Vermont," He explained, pausing briefly to give himself a much needed boost in confidence, "Because I..."

He breathed a heavy sigh and tried to smile again. This time it felt much more genuine. Realistic; "I missed you too."

[Deleted]

Back for good. Phoenix didn't know what to think. He felt depressed and hopeful and pitiful and happy... He wasn't used to feeling so many things at once. He couldn't help but wonder what Rue thought of him now; back when they had been together, he had actually been cheerful; full of life; even tried to be a decent student. Once they broke apart, he had let himself fall back into the rut he had been in back in Seattle, not caring about anything or anyone. He had lost weight; there were dark circles almost always under his eyes; he just didn't care anymore, and it showed. All he managed was a small,"Oh," staring down at his feet.

He wanted to forgive Rue, sort of. But the truth was, he had been hurt. Hurt very, very deeply, and he didn't know what it would take for that hurt to go away. Phen managed to look back up as Rue spoke again, blinking in surprise. "Didn't you get into some... Some fancy college outta state?" he asked. "Why would you...?"

Oh.

Phoenix's heart seemed to stop, then speed up again rapidly. That smile... He shook his head, managing a very, very weak one in return. "Don't tell me you came back just for that," he mumbled, dropping his hand from Rue's shoulder. "I'm not worth shit."

[Rue Zhao]

The absent light from Pheonix's eyes wasn't lost on Rue. In reality, it would have weighed heavily on his heart. The difference and the change was obvious in more ways than just the physical. They were what forced his aura to be so dark and clouded - so effected that it would be difficult to change substantially. It was the kind of depth that the manipulator couldn't hope to erase.

But whatever pain and suffering Rue was feeling didn't show. He seemed as apathetic to the situation as he was towards most. But Pheonix knew the depth of his ability and how he used to to stabalise himself. And he was the only one who could see deep enough to notice any remnants of anguish.

Though, that was only if he wanted to look for it; "I did, yeah."

Rue let Pheonix's hand slip past his own, and moments later he allowed his own hand to fall. He felt the coursing desire to reach out to the other boy, but suddenly that felt more dangerous than anything else. "You know that's not true, Pheonix. Don't think that about yourself." He reasoned, as calmly as he was able; "I regret leaving you."

[Deleted]

The nature of Rue's ability had always been a bit confusing to Phoenix, but he had tried his best to understand it. It had been one of the things that had led Rue to Phen, after all; practically no one else had looked past Phen's rough exterior to see he was just lost and lonely. But Rue had. Phen would always remember that, and was one of the reasons why the boy leaving had hurt him so deeply.

He tried to study Rue a bit more - it was so hard to tell how he was feeling, which was something Phoenix had gotten used to over time, but it was a struggle to read him now, especially since the dust was still coursing through his system and making Phen's thoughts fuzzy and hard to grasp. Still, Phoenix hoped he could sense some sort of similar feelings coming off of Rue.

But God, he was beautiful.

A bit unsure of what to do with his hands now, Phoenix rolled them up into fists before relaxing them again, biting his lip to hide any trembling that might be there. He leveled his eyes with Rue's, searching him as the older boy spoke. "Then why did you do it in the first place?" he murmured, swallowing hard before continuing. "We... We could have made it work..." He didn't know much about long-distance relationships, but he would have liked to think they could have made it. "And... And now you're back and... Fuck, Rue, I don't even know what t' say."

Phoenix hated the aching in his voice, the hurt and confusion that he wished he was better at hiding. "I loved you," he whispered, lowering his gaze. "An' if... If you're gonna be back for a while..." He trailed off, looking to the side. A quick shot of color darted past him, and he jolted, the hallucination catching him off-guard. He shook his head, trying to focus back on Rue. "Could we...." He was scared to say it. "Could we at least try t' catch up?" he finally managed. That wasn't too much to ask, right? Phen didn't know if it would help him or not, but he couldn't stand to pretend like Rue wasn't back.

[Rue Zhao]

Unsure of his own movements, Rue eventually folded his arms before his chest. He knew how it looked - that it was a defensive stance - but it wasn't the case. It was just comforting, especially as his fingers ran across his arm idly. It kept his mind focused on other things.

A crack in his demeanour showed when Pheonix outrightly asked him why he broke it off in the first place. His teeth sunk into his lower lip; "I was trying to... Spare you, I suppose." He admitted, though he wasn't sure about that. He rolled his shoulders. He didn't know what to say either.

But it hurt, the way Pheonix spoke. The way he said he loved Rue.

However, he was more focused on Pheonix's exterior behaviour for the time being. "I'd like that." He admitted, offering another light hearted smile. "I have to admit, you seem... Different." He started, his tongue running the line of his bottom lip. Was that the right word? He decided to just go for it; "You don't look well, Pheonix."

[Deleted]

Phoenix caught the slight sway in Rue's seemingly apathetic demeanor, and he felt a small rush go though him; at least, he knew now, that the boy felt something. Guilt? Hurt? He himself felt guilty for being glad about the fact, but at least he knew there was something still there, even after... Two years? "I... I see," he mumbled, even though he didn't see at all.

He really didn't know what he felt towards Rue anymore. Did he still love him? Probably. But was it healthy? Phen wasn't sure. He was obviously still hung up on him, at the very least. He had never been able to get closure, and now that Rue was back, the wound was reopening all over again, spilling emotions and memories out that Phoenix had tried to keep trapped up for too long. He still didn't know if he wanted to scream at Rue, or just kiss him and forget the time they had been apart.

But what did Rue want? Where was this going to lead?

He let out a soft breath as the boy agreed, letting himself relax slightly with a weak smile. Before he could ask about when and where, though, Rue was speaking again, and Phen looked down, his expression darkening once again. "I guess it's... Well, I'm not well," he mumbled, staring down at his shoes. A tiny fairy danced around his laces. "I'm addicted again, Rue," he murmured, his voice hollow. There were many other problems he could tack on, but he didn't want to admit them to his ex, not so soon after seeing him again. He didn't want Rue to know just how pathetic he had become.

[Rue Zhao]

It wasn't just Phen's expression that darkened - his aura descended further into a type of shadow he wasn't used to. It was enough to make him shift slightly in the almost uncomfortable realisation. Rue felt even more worried for Pheonix when he realised he wasn't well. That he was addicted again. He instantly felt his mood darken somewhat; enough that he knew he couldn't completely fix it in the usual way he would.

He felt his calm demeanour start slipping through his fingers.

"What happened?" Rue asked slowly, unsure as to whether he even should ask. He wasn't sure it was his place anymore. And he was most definitely afraid of the answer. "It wasn't..." He allowed his voice to trail away, running his hand along his jaw before swiping across the back of his neck, "Was it-? Did I do this?"

[Deleted]

The more Phoenix thought, the more harsh his thoughts became, until his hands curled into fists again and his arms shook. How unfair was it, to see Rue so perfect and well, and for him to be struggling, feeling worthless and not even knowing where his life was going? For him to be stuck on this addiction and barely getting by day to day, while he was off being successful in higher education? Disbelief at seeing Rue again was turning into something else, something harder to control, and as the boy asked him what happened, if it had been him, Phen felt himself snap.

"Like hell it was you!" he cried, not caring about the stares they were now getting from passers-by. "You were the one that helped me get over the shit I dealt with in Seattle. You made me feel like my life wasn't pointless and that I didn't need t'... To rely on this damned drug in the first place." He took a breath, but he wasn't done.

"And then... And then you just go and fucking leave me! No explanation, nothing, just... Just...." He felt moisture prick at his eyes and rubbed at them angrily. There was no way he was going to cry like a pussy. "I couldn't take it, so I went back t' my old habits, only now it's just about a hundred fucking times worse because the one person I thought would never leave me ripped my fucking heart out." He felt both physically and emotionally exhausted now that his short tirade was over; he had needed to get that out, but now he was terrified that Rue was just going to turn around and leave him again. Phoenix wouldn't blame him, but that would just about kill him.

[Rue Zhao]

All Rue could feel was relief when Pheonix said it wasn't his fault. But that quickly fell into some kind of disarray. It didn't seem like he was saying any of that to be reassuring. It was the start of something bigger - some kind of meltdown.

He wasn't sure how to respond. Not right away, anyway. He could feel the energy in the area increasing with every person that passed by. He felt the curiosity, the confusion. The faint strings of concern from a lonely few. It was incredibly distracting. It always was. But powers or not, Rue wasn't the kind of guy to just yell at Pheonix. He couldn't bring himself to beg another person to see things from his side. "I just didn't think it could work." He replied simply. He knew it was wrong to keep the truth of it for himself, but this wasn't the right time. Or place.

"What else do you want me to say?" Rue asked genuinely. It was an answer he couldn't find on his own. "That I'm sorry? Of course I am. I-I know it's hard to tell, but... I didn't want this for you."

[Deleted]

Phoenix almost wished Rue would yell back at him, or something. He felt like the most pathetic person alive as he stood there with his shoulders slumped and his gaze directed at the ground, unable to look up at Rue as he began speaking, so calmly and with so much control. Phen wished he had that sort of persona about him. But Rue had always been better at keeping his emotions in check than he was.

He slowly shook his head, clearly out of energy for any more explosive replies. "I..." His voice was brittle, like it could break at any moment. "I want... I want you t' not leave me alone without an explanation again," he managed brokenly. He had no idea if there was any chance of salvaging the relationship they had had, but he couldn't bare to think Rue would disappear again after this encounter. Life wasn't that cruel, was it?

He managed to glance up at Rue again, though his knees were weak; he felt like they might collapse under him any second. "I... I know," he mumbled breathlessly. "But I didn't... I didn't have anyone t' go to, and I was just so..." Heartbroken. There was no other word for it.

He clutched his head, swaying slightly. The visions around him sped up, spinning in a dizzy array that were quickly giving him a headache. "I don't feel good...." he croaked. What the hell was his problem? He had had no idea seeing Rue would mess him up this badly.