Live Broken

[Lilly Love]

1995 My Torture Begins

2001 As the Trouble Starts

2004 And He Walks Out the Door

2005 And Where is the Other?

2009 Now that I'm a Freak

2010 Here We Go Again

2011 Going Through the Motions

[Lilly Love]

1995 My Torture Begins

I don't remember my birth. But the other people there probably do.
But I always wondered what they remember about my birth. I bet my mother remembers the pain of labor and my father remembers the screaming, the stress, and the cost. I bet my brother remembers being confused by the idea of child birth. But I bet none of them remember much about me and the joy of a new baby.

Yeah, at the time they were probably excited, but now they don't remember that. My mother probably has completely forgotten the meaning of joy. My father has probably completely forgotten me. My brother probably spends to much time thinking about drugs to remember me. So maybe the day I was born they were happy. Maybe they felt joy. But that didn't last long, I can tell you that much. Because the day I was born, that was the day my family began to unravel. And it was the day my torture began.

[Lilly Love]

2001 As the Trouble Starts

My family was never perfect but then again no one's really is. But we were happy, for a little bit. I kind can recall a few mornings full of laughter and pancakes or an afternoon outside playing tag while my parents sat on the porch drinking tea and holding hands. I remember times when we did other things that families did. Like I remember once I fell and hurt my chin and my mom was there to give it a kiss and put on a band aid. My dad use to even show up to my school events.

And yeah there was fighting and unhappy days, but there were a few short years where the four of us were a real family. Of course that didn't last long, and that is all thanks to my mother. She had always struggled with depression her whole life. I was to young to see it at the time. But I knew that I was loosing my mother. She stopped making my breakfast and lunches. She stopped kissing my bumps and bruises. She stopped cleaning and taking care of the house. She stopped being a mother.

It was slow at first, but then her parents died in car crash one summer and she plummeted. Nothing got cooked or clean or kissed. She spent all her time alone in her office. The only time she emerged was to refill her supply of alcohol. At first my dad tried to be there for her, but she was to far gone. She had gone where none of us could get to. And soon I saw my dad becoming angrier and angrier. And soon, I saw my father slip away as well.

My brother wasn't much better either. For a little bit I thought he would be there for me but that passed so quickly. I realized on one very empty Christmas that everyone in my family was gone, and that I was alone. I was barely seven but I knew that no one was gonna be buying me any gifts. So I found all my stuffed animals and old toys and put them around the fireplace (since there was no tree) and pretended they were brand new things from Santa. Even as the trouble was starting, I knew that I was gonna end up taking care of myself. Forever.

[Lilly Love]

2004 And He Walks Out the Door

It had been going on for almost three years when my dad finally snapped. My mom just kept slipping farther away from people and holding tighter and tighter to her bottle of beer. I'm not mad at my dad for leaving my mom. I don't think anyone is. But I am mad at him for leaving me.

It was a few weeks before my birthday, just after Christmas. I just finished making myself lunch when I heard screaming coming from the office. Both my brother and I rushed to the door. When we got there my dad was storming out and my mom was chugging down some more vodka. I ran to my dad, looking for answers, or maybe just a hug. He just ignored me. He went to his room and pulled out three large suitcases. He began grabbing all his stuff and throwing it in. At first I thought we were gonna leave. The three of us, my dad, Alex, and me. I was very wrong.

He packed up is things and in an hour he was gone. At first I thought, he was just gonna go get us a place, and then he was coming back. He never came back. After two weeks of waiting, and hoping, I knew my father was gone and he wasn't gonna return, ever. It was then that I slowly began to realize that people can't be trusted. Because sooner or later they all walk out the door, and they don't come back.

[Lilly Love]

2005 And Where is the Other?

Alex and I had never been really close. Yeah, we were brother and sister but that didn't really make us friends. We tolerated each other and on some occasions actually enjoyed each others company. I never appreciated him very much. I sort of wish I had because now he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

He first started slipping away when my mother's parents died. My mom got all detached and pretty much vanished from our lives. Then my brother started disappearing to. He was just about ten but he started spending more time at friends houses then at home. When our dad left a few years later, I never saw him anymore. Maybe a couple times a week for an hour or so. I had no idea where he was going at the time. Now I understand all to well.

Alex had gotten into drugs. I don't know all of the specifics and I really don't care. All I know is he got arrested for the first time when he was 14. My mom didn't care and didn't really even seem to know. At first I felt bad for Alex but when I tried to be there for him, he just shoved me away. So I gave up on him, just like he gave up on me. The year before my I got my powers, my brother was gone completely. I am not even sure if he was in jail or what, but he was no longer in my life. I use to sit up at night wondering where he was, but then I didn't care anymore because I got tired of asking a question I knew would never be answered.