Not that strong ( Tag: Dean )

[Benton Barrett]

He knew he'd said he'd be fine. Yesterday, he thought he would be. But when he woke up this morning, in his room that wasn't his room, and went out to the common area that wasn't his living room, it hit him, full force. He wasn't home. He wasn't going home, not for a good long while. He was here, now, and he would be for quite some time. There was no way to change that, now, and even if he wanted to, if he tried to run away, to go home, someone would catch him. There was no doubt about that. 

Benny tried, really tried to calm himself down. His first instinct had been to call home. But he knew if he did that, he would just set them to worry about him. The same thing stuck with most of his friends - they'd be concerned, and eventually, that information would find its way back to his family. He didn't - couldn't put them through more than he already had. After all, he was the reason the family wasn't together now. Not by choice, but choice didn't change the reality of the situation.

The day went by in a blur where he took in very little of anything. He couldn't keep track, with his thoughts racing the way they were. More than once, he found himself short of breath, as though he'd been running a marathon. He couldn't eat - food was the furthest thing from his mind, honestly. Despite the fact that since the change or whatever had occurred he'd ate a lot more than normal, today... the thought of food just made his stomach hurt.

Student or not, he had to talk to someone. But that was the problem. He didn't know anyone. Not really. 

Of course, that wasn't entirely true. He knew Milan. His 'recruiter.' His jaw clenched, as he made his decision. The day, unfortunately, was winding to a close, and though realizing he had someone he could say something to had helped, it didn't change the fact that it just... it made him feel sick. He'd been on the verge of tears more than once, and before he could really push himself to go see Milan, he had to at least look like it wasn't an emergency.

When he finally made his way to the recruiter's offices, where he'd been before, he looked almost like he wasn't freaking out. Anyone who knew what they were looking for, though, they'd see it without much trouble. His eyes were a little more wild than one would expect, and his hands were dug firmly in the pockets of his red hoodie. ( A hoodie that still smelled like home, one might add. ) 

Approaching a desk of some sort, he finally pulled his hands free of his pockets, unaware of the fact that they were trembling, as he set them on the counter. 

"Is... um... Is Milan in?" He asked no one in particular, and he practically held his breath against the answer. If he wasn't... honestly, Benny didn't know what he would do. It was a miracle he'd made it this far. He couldn't stand trying to go somewhere else, no matter where that place was.

[Dean Rexford]

Dean could feel the emotions of a strung-out boy even before he appeared in front of him and boy did he have to calm himself down. Even at twenty-five years old, he still couldn't switch off the emotion button. It was a little dumb but still, at least he knew how to react. Most of the time.

Looking up from his cubicle, he saw a worried looking boy standing in the middle of the office. "Um...I think Milan left earlier. I'm the only one here." His slightly raspy English accent coming out a little stronger in an empty room.

"Something the matter?" Dean asked, even though he knew something was up. It usually made the person a lot less frantic if they could answer that themselves though.

He got up from his desk and walked over to the boy, keeping a distance so the younger man wouldn't feel intimidated. "Oh...aren't you Milan's latest recruit?"

[Benton Barrett]

The movement caught his attention, as his hands drummed soundlessly on the top of the counter he was leaning on. He was about to let out a thankful sigh, when he realized that no, it wasn’t Milan. It was someone else – no one he knew. Again, the same problem, re-imaged. Seconds passed, and he realized he was clenching his jaw so hard that it hurt.

When the other guy said that Milan was gone, he was fairly certain someone had punched him in the stomach. He was verging on the edge of a panic attack – he could feel it creeping along his neck, threatening to overwhelm him all together. How did anyone do this? It wasn’t homesickness – that he could understand. It wasn’t longing, it was a feeling of complete and utter isolation.

Apparently, he wasn’t exactly hiding how frantic he was feeling. He could barely hear the other guy – younger than Milan, but older than himself – over his heartbeat, pounding in his ears. His fingers curled into fists, nails creating uncomfortable points for him to focus on. What were the ways to get over panic attacks? They weren’t common – they were something he’d thought he never had to worry about any more.

“I can’t—“ What. Breathe? That, too. The question as to his identity made him nod. “Yeah… yes…” He could feel his face burning, and the tears that wouldn’t stop threatening. He’d thought he’d been able to pull himself back to some semblance of ‘together’ – but now, knowing that he wasn’t going to be seeing the only person he had on his side?

The cracks in his wall were spreading.

“I can’t.” He said, his voice trembling, a desperate noise. “This is too much. Too fast.” He’d come to grips with the fact that he wasn’t like everyone else. That wasn’t his problem. It was a problem, certainly, but not the only thing that was making his knees weak, and his heart beat at racing speeds. He hadn’t known everything was going to be taken away from him in the span of a week.

His breath was coming out more raggedly than he’d originally meant it to, but he was trying his best to keep himself from hyperventilating.

He’d never been alone before. Never been so distant from everything he’d come to understand as ‘normal.’ He might as well be on a completely different planet, at this point. “I thought I could. I really did. I thought… I could… be here. But I can’t. I don’t know anyone, I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t…” Too much talking, with not enough breathing in between. “I don’t know how to do this.”

Benny didn’t know the other man. He could be anyone. Could be the least compassionate, most hateful person in the world. But Benton couldn’t stop the words that forced their way out. His head was pounding in step with his heart, and his lungs were starting to burn. How had this become his life, when only a few weeks ago he was just starting to think about what color car he was going to want when he was finally able to drive?

[Dean Rexford]

The anxiety attack squeezed around Dean, consuming him more than he liked to admit but as soon as it hit, his breath shortened and his heart started beating rather quickly. He tried breathing through his nose and tried to calm himself down, getting a grip on his abilities to lessen the attack on himself.

Once he felt a semblance of normality, he approached the boy as he went througha series of mumbes Dean only caught the ends of.

"Hey, hey, ease up, buddy." He reached a hand over to the boy and used his power on him, manipulating the emotional energy radiating off him to a minimum, causing Dean to have a little bit of a headache. But he kept on pushing, piecing up together some cracks in the veneer that left Dean a little ragged. Just a little though.

"A-are you okay?"

[Benton Barrett]

Ease up. Easy words – something he didn’t know if he could do any more. How could he? He was stranded, a million miles from his life.

He didn’t see the hand that reached for him, otherwise he would have danced away from it. But the second that it reached him, it was like something had reached into him. It wasn’t an immediate thing – no great switch, flipping from “on” to “off” – but there was definitely something. Everything – the fear, the panic, the sheer desire to run – slowed down.

Benny could breathe again.

The boy wasn’t sure – he didn’t really understand how, or why, but everything was becoming easier to control. Obviously his involuntary reactions couldn’t be accounted for – but his heartbeat was slowing down, and his trembling was gradually calming down. His knees no longer felt like they didn’t want to support him anymore.

“I…” Was he okay? “I think so.” He managed, with a little more strength to his voice. “I don’t know how… but… I don’t feel like I’m going crazy.” Because that was the only thing he could liken that feeling to. He was just grateful that he was no longer being overwhelmed.

“Did you do that?” He asked, uncertainly. He wasn’t completely incapable of deductive reasoning – it all started with the hand on his shoulder, hadn’t it? “I’m sorry – I just… I didn’t know where else to go.” He added, mostly because he felt like it needed to be said.

[Dean Rexford]

Once he was sure the boy had calmed down, Dean's hold on him faltered, dropping his hand down to his side limply. He tried not to show too much of his fatigue when the boy looked over. The look on his face assured Dean that his manipulation worked. It weighed heavy on the recruiter every time but desperate times...

"Good, good." The wavy-haired Englishmen nodded before tilting his head at the other boy's question. Reaching up, he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and nodded. No use lying about it. Not here at least.

"Oh don't be sorry!" Dean reassured the new recruit, waving his hand dismissively. "You were right to come here, as it turns out." He gave the boy a reassuring grin as he wiped his eyebrow, willing the headache away.

"I'm sorry Milan isn't around but I'm here. I can um...help as much as possible." Dean placed one hand over the other in front of him and lowered his head a little, attempting to be at the other boy's eye level. It was a little hard since he was a lot taller than the boy. "I'm Dean, by the way. Now, would you like to tell me what's wrong?" he asked with a slight tilt of his head.

[Benton Barrett]

He had to agree with that assessment – good. It wasn’t gone, but it was… less. It wasn’t strangling any more. The taller man – clearly someone who was supposed to be here, not just an assistant, or glorified secretary – nodded, showing that he had, indeed, helped him.

“Thank you.” He said, simply. What else could he say? He couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t just make things more strange. He was genuinely appreciative of that… whatever he did. Magical hand-sedation? Whatever it was, he was glad Dean had been around to do it.

He was giving him reassurances, which at least, made him feel a little less strange about his coming here in the first place. Benny realized his hands were still curled into tight fists – his fingernails were still digging in to his palms. Finally, he eased the pressure there, as well, and his fingers were clearly grateful for the relaxing.

Chewing on his lower lip, Benny wanted to hesitate. To say that no, everything was okay now, and he could go. But it wasn’t, and he would just be suffering the same problems if he didn’t figure something else out. When his jedi talent wore off, Benny would be ready to run again, and if nothing else, he did not want to feel that again.

“I’m Benny.” He replied, softly, if a bit uncertainly. But the million dollar question – did he want to tell him what was wrong?

Well, considering the man had just gone out on a limb to help him for no reason other than he was freaking out? Yeah, absolutely. That only seemed fair. How could he say ‘no’ after that? He’d been raised better than that.

“Yeah… I…” He hesitated again, though not out of uncertainty as to whether he wanted to say it, but simply because he didn’t know where to start. “Last week, I was normal. I had plans to go with my best friend to the movies. I was picking out costumes for what I was going to be for Halloween with my sister. Then, all this happens, and I’m not normal any more. I put my mom in the hospital. I get shipped half-way across the country, to a place where I don’t know anyone or anything and…”

He was talking too fast. Rambling.

“I don’t know how to do this. How to be… anything other than the Benny I was last week. If I call home, I’ll just make them freak out, and I just… I thought I could handle it. But I’m just not that strong. I’ve never been… isolated before. It just hit me really hard how alone I am, out here. Even with all these people, there’s nothing… nothing I can stand on.”

[Dean Rexford]

Dean gave the boy a gentle and reassuring smile. "Don't mention it." He responded, not expecting any more from the teen. He did look and feel a little more relaxed. More than worth the headache.

He sensed the hesitance in the boy and was about to just let it slide but then he introduced himself. Dean nodded and kept quiet as Benny rambled on. Out of experience and not his due to his abilities, Dean related so well to what the younger meta was going through. He understood so well. He had been a fish out of water too, especially because he had been in Kocher. Culture shock played a huge part in the awkwardness as well. But he slowly gained friends while he was there. It made the experience a lot more bearable.

Once Benny was done, Dean looked at him and gave him a sympathetic smile. "It would be a cliche for me to say I understand and that you're not alone. But...I understand and you're really not alone." Dean started, biting his lower lip before continuing.

"I'm not going to tell you that all you need to do is get out there and make friends and that everything will be all right, but to be perfectly honest, every single one of us here felt that before. I'm not belittling what you're going through, don't get me wrong. Everyone deals with things like these differently. And if it makes any difference, I'm here. And you've got Milan too."

Dean straightened up and cleared his throat. "Don't worry about being normal here." He chuckled lightly. "Um...you mentioned Halloween...picking out a costume? Tell me what you were thinking of being?"

[Benton Barrett]

If it was supposed to be cliche, why then did he say it? Rubbing the back of his head, he looked up at him, skeptically. Damn, but he hated being short. Much like his manifestation, it seemed that everything about his 'growing up' was taking longer than he was comfortable with. ( Even worse, maybe he was stuck like this forever? Shudder-worthy. ) Still... he was silent, as Dean began to explain what he meant.

It was true, of course. Everyone who wandered these halls had the same story. It wasn't as though he was the only person to be plucked from his normal life, and thrown into a completely different one. From the smallest, to the largest, this school was for people like him, and no one really got the opportunity to leave, until they were sure that there wouldn't be anymore accidental incidents.

That didn't change the way he felt about the situation.

Which Dean was careful to explain he wasn't making light of the situation. But there was no doubt in his mind that there had been other people, just like him, going through the same almost-panic-attack. People that needed the same kind of comfort and reassurance. He scratched the back of his head, uncertainly. 

"It does make a difference." He said, gently. It was hard to explain. "The hardest part was thinking that I've got no one here." Of course, he knew Kodi - and there wasn't even the slightest chance that Benny would be going to him for comfort. The very thought made him feel... like that was probably the dumbest thing he could do, if he wanted to survive at Hammel more than the first week. "That if I freak out, or get hurt, or just want to talk to someone about how everything is, that I can't just go see my friend and vent to him." Not like he would face to face, at least.

The question as to his Halloween selection? He blinked, looking up at him uncertainly.

"Don't laugh, but... My sister got on a Harry Potter kick. She wanted me to go as Harry, so she could go as Hermione, and her friend Adam could go as Ron." Because that wasn't weird or anything. "I was going to be taking her solo this year, so I was just going to kind of roll with whatever she wanted to do." Which, most certainly, couldn't happen now. 

[Dean Rexford]

Dean sighed with relief when the younger meta agreed to his having made a difference. It was always a good feeling, being validated for doing something good.

He nodded understandingly, knowing exactly what that felt like. Finding friends who understood where he was going had been a lot harder than he had imagined, but time had been on his side. And he hoped it would be on Benny's as well.

"Any number of officials here are more than happy to let you freak out on them." Dean reassured the young boy with a smile to lighten the mood.

Listening to Benny's costume idea, Dean had to bite down on his inner cheeks to stop himself from looking way too enthusiastic at the mention of his childhood literary hero. He had been a little bit older than most of his peers when he found out about Harry Potter but it stuck to him like glue. And it was one of those things that just stayed with him right until now.

"Oh...that's...cool." He replied with a nervous chuckle. "Does she like Adam?" Dean asked curiously. "Uh...does she live far from here? Where were you from?"

[Benton Barrett]

He cracked a small, apprehensive smile at Dean’s attempt to make him feel better. “Awesome. I know where to go when I need to vomit my feelings all over the place.” It wasn’t what he was used to – nor what he’d expected. Maybe he was overthinking this whole situation, and he was just psyching himself out. It wouldn’t be the first time, and probably wouldn’t be the last. He couldn’t help it – it was like he’d forgotten how to exist without other people.

Of course, when Dean said his costume situation was cool, Benny couldn’t help but tilt his head with an almost incredulous look on his face. “Totally not, but I love my sister, so I’ll draw a scar on my forehead and wear bad stage glasses.” Or rather, he would have. As far as the rest of it: “She’s totally got a crush on him, though he’s clueless. Yeah – she lives back home. Bismark, North Dakota.” He had to mentally catch himself, so he didn’t call it “abysmark, North Dakota” as many of the people in his class did.

He did, too, of course.

Shaking his head, he let out a breath. The tension in his shoulders was all but gone, now, thankfully. He couldn’t explain how much better that made him feel on its own – to not have every muscle feel like it was simultaneously cramping.

“Are you also secretly a therapist?” He asked, softly, his voice completely uncertain. He didn’t have the best of experiences with therapists, but this wasn’t the same. Dean didn’t seem to be judging him in the least – but he couldn’t tell why he was asking him.

“Did you go to school here, before you got a desk job?” He asked, uncertainly, trying to turn a bit of the focus off of him and his clear craziness.

[Dean Rexford]

Dean laughed and nodded. "Fair warning though, my paperwork comes first. But my phone is always switched on so you can call me any time." It was a big promise to make, but it wasn't one he ever backed out on. Even with Kateri and Meg at home, he would never abandon recruits.

Even if they weren't even his own.

He couldn't help but laugh at himself when the younger meta shot down Harry Potter. He was at that age, Dean supposed, so he let it slide. Then again, what was there to let slide? He was a twenty-six year old recruiter who still cried every time Hedwig's theme song started on screen.

"Oof...that's far. Too far to drive out I imagine." Dean blew out a huff, a lock of his hair flapped a little before dropping over his eye once more.

Grinning at the question, Dean shook his head. "I'm pretty sure you've insulted Dr. Neville by putting me in that category." He joked.

"Um, no. I wished though." He smiled, a little sad. "I mean, Kocher was amazing, don't get me wrong. But the language barrier was insane." He shook his head lightly, amused by the memories of the Swiss sister school he had attended. "Oh...you know about Hammel's sister schools, yeah?"

[Benton Barrett]

“If nothing else, you can use the paperwork as a shield. Nothing stops emotion-vomit like well-grounded paperwork.” He replied, simply, his crack of a smile spreading until he looked like he might have a normal smile hidden under that panic and craziness.

He nodded, sharply, at his assessment. It was. Otherwise, he would have taken off this morning to try and make his way out there. He might even try something like hitchhiking – it couldn’t be too dangerous, could it? After all, he was apparently some sort of heat vampire or something – that had to mean he wasn’t nearly as vulnerable as he might look.

Granted, he didn’t know how to make it work, so that was no guarantee to anything.

“I… have no idea who that is.” He said, softly, shaking his head a little bit. Was that a Harry Potter related joke he just wasn’t getting? Did Neville Longbottom grow up to be a therapist or something? He’d never read the last books, or seen the last movie. Whoops.

He looked at him, confusedly. “Nope. Not a clue. Honestly, I’m about as new to this as it gets.” It was an unfortunately reality, but it wasn’t anything he could change – not without time and a good teacher. Or a lot of reading that he, frankly, wasn’t too keen on.

“Mostly the, plan was just to come here, get rid of the weirdness, and go home. Sounds a lot easier than it actually is, based on everything I’ve figured out so far.” Which was a terrible, terrible way to look at life. But that’s where he was at this point.

“I’d just like to go home, now.”

[Dean Rexford]

Dean laughed, immediately appreciating the younger meta's sense of humour. This side of him was something Dean liked to see. It was definitely an improvement from the emotional upheaval from before. The trace of a smile was much appreciated by the recruiter. "I'll definitely keep that in mind." He winked at Benny with a grin.

Narrowing his eyes, he slapped his forehead and muttered Homer Simpson's famous line. "Of course. Dr. Sean Neville. He's the resident psychiatrist here at Hammel. He's intense but overall a good guy, I think." Dean nodded and smiled.

"Ah, well...there are actually a few different institutes around the world under different jurisdictions that deal with our kind. Some are research labs and some are schools, like Hammel. I was from London so I fell under Kocher's jurisdiction which is all of Europe. And Australia." Basic information found in the recruiters guidebook.

Smiling sympathetically at the boy, Dean nodded in understanding. "I would urge you to give this place a chance. It may not have a perfect system but it has helped a lot of metas go through life relatively unscathed."

Dean leaned against the counter and tilted his head lightly. "Listen, I'm off the clock. Would you like to go to the cafeteria and sit down? Chat some more?"

[Benton Barrett]

It was amusing – in all the right ways – to see the older guy laugh. It was a real laugh, not the kind designed to humor the teenager because he felt that’s what he needed to do. There were a lot of adults who didn’t seem to understand that just because he was young, didn’t mean he was stupid, or couldn’t see through certain things. That was why people who talked down to kids almost always got on their bad side, pretty damn quickly.

“Ah. Resident shrink. Got it. Not so much a fan of the whole shrinking process. The last guy I was with…” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a good fit, and I just never went back.” Besides, he didn’t need therapy – nothing truly bad had happened to him. Yes, he had separation anxiety and yes, he didn’t deal with that, but it wasn’t like that really applied—

Oh.

Well. That actually hit him like a sack of bricks. Benny swallowed those thoughts down, pushing them off to the side for further examination later, when he could curl up under the blankets and give it some real thought.

As far as giving the place a chance? “I don’t have much of a choice, do I? Until I’m able to not accidentally murder people, I’m kind of stuck here. Not that I don’t want to… not murder people. I do. I mean, I do want to learn to not murder people.” He was tongue tied, because honestly, how often did you have to explain that you didn’t want to kill people? Talk about your non-standard problems.

Dean caught him off guard with his next question, and Benny… found himself nodding.

“Yeah, I’d like that. You don’t have to, though – I mean, if you’re off the clock, don’t you have home to get to?” He asked, uncertainly. There wasn’t going to be any sudden panic attacks – at least, not that he could feel coming any more. His freak out was safely nestled somewhere in the back of his mind again. “I’m definitely starving, though.” Which seemed to be a near-constant state these days.