A Chill to Help You Feel (Lucas)

[Karalie Heise]

Karalie was used to the cool days now.  She never truly enjoyed the chillier weather, and even though she'd been living up north since she was eleven, she still layered up heavily once the smallest bite was present in the air.  What she disliked more than chillier weather, was the loud noises her roommate and her girlfriend were making.  Every weekend Karalie felt like she was being kicked out of the dorms by Penelope and Lucy.  Not directly, of course.  She was always welcome to stay and listen to them, but she didn't care to do that and loud music didn't seem to make things easier.  Going out and clearing her head was good for her anyway.  Since she and Luke had ended things she'd begun really using her ability.  It was time she learned some more control, and since Luke wasn't there to help her, she was doing it on her own.  The problem was that even though she was making great headway, she was still pulling more memories than her brain could comfortably hold.  She constantly got headaches and often forgot where she was going, or what she was doing.  It was like constantly being distracted by the TV that was on, these strange flashes of memories zipping through her mind, some making complete sense, others not so much.

The pond had become a new favorite place of hers these days.  It was generally peaceful, and didn't have a cool breeze sweeping off it like the lake sometimes did.  There were koi in the water and she could easily relax, if not shiver a bit.  Also, it was a more private area and she could talk to her mother without any real hassle.  Other than the typical hassle.. She was glad she hadn't mentioned Luke to her.  The conversations weren't weighed down with "How are you doing? Has he been bothering you?" and the like.  Plus she didn't have to hear it from her father when he answered the phone, not that he would probably bring it up anyway.  She knew her time with her parents being pleased with her were dwindling.  This Thanksgiving might be the last she was invited home for.  Karalie had every intention of telling her family, the extended family, about what she was.  Luke had told her she should and she'd basically said it wasn't an option.  Which was true.  If she wanted things to be peaceful it wouldn't be an option.  Part of her wanted to maybe wait until at least Christmas.  That way she could get her presents before her life as she knew it ended.  She still hadn't decided.  She wanted to get it over with.  She was tired of hiding who she was, but presents.. She was sure a designer handbag would be included in her loot this year, or better yet a new car! A car was a way to control her, though..  

These were the things that she thought about at the pond.  So many decisions to make! Karalie shivered as a breeze blew past, bringing a slew of leaves with it, and pulled her heavy sweater tighter around her body.  She pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on top as her arms wrapped around her bent legs.  She looked out at the water, catching the soft crunching of leaves a moment too late.  She turned her head and saw the one boy she'd been avoiding for a month.  She frowned at him and looked away.  With any luck he'd just keep walking.

[Lucas Blacke]

Time had passed and lots of things had happened. Some fun, some not so fun and the not so fun overshadowed the fun without even trying. While out and about for a walk he tried to pull himself out of his mood by thinking about other things, things that could pull his mind out of the dark place it was in. But whatever he thought of brought him back to what he had lost and desperately wanted. Karalie. His mind had gone to the one he met in the meantime, Anthy. But she just reminded him how he thought she was cute and made him feel bad about Karalie.. He wondered if he had offered up setting up a meeting between the two.. he forgot. Those two meeting up would be a good way to shoo Anthy away from him so he quickly dismissed it and hoped she wouldn't bring it up.

The more he walked the more he thought about things being different, about being able to see Karalie and saying he was going for his drivers license because, hey, you remember our first date right? No, doing that would reopen more wounds than he or she could handle. He'd say he was in a band, but even to him that sounded lame. Like she cared right now, like she would. And he didn't blame her, he was lost in the dark crevices of his mind too, lost to the point of doing irrational things.. like fucking some random girl he didn't even know and he regretted by now, he wouldn't tell Karalie that as it would only add fuel to the fire.

The wind swept past him and blew through his hair as he let out a sigh, lost in thought when he noticed someone sitting near the pond, the place he'd go to to clear his mind, even if things seemed grim. It didn't take him long to notice who was sitting there, with her signature sweater over her hands.. most likely to block out her ability. Though right now it could also be because of the cold, or he could be mistaken alltogether and just see what he wanted to see. Right now nothing was out of the question.

He felt a wave of uneasy go over him but persevered at the sight of her anyway. He wanted to know how she was doing, he needed to know if they were done for good. He needed to make the first step.

He swallowed his reasons not to step over and sat down next to her, ensuring there was plenty of space between them.

[Karalie Heise]

The more she tried to ignore him being there, the more aware she was that he was so close to her.  It made her heart pound in her chest, knowing he was there, so close.. and then he did the worst thing he could; he sat next to her.  Not directly next to her, obviously he had enough sense to keep some amount of distance, but he decided it was a good time to share a bench.

The problem with Hammel was that it wasn't an enormous school.  Yes, there were loads of kids who went there, but not so much that she could distance herself completely from the boy.  They ran into each other now and then, and rumors flew through the school quickly without much resistance.  She knew he'd probably slept around a bit and knew he was actively seeking others, while she wasn't.  She needed time and space, and honestly after spending so much time on her own and then finally having a boyfriend, she wasn't sure she wanted to trust anyone else yet.  Sure, she had a crush on a few guys and considered losing her V card to a few just because, but she hadn't made any major move to do so.  Not yet..  as much as she didn't want it to mean anything to her, it still did, and the promise ring still tightly wound around her finger was proof of it.

The air seemed chillier with him right there and she found herself tugging the over sized knit sweater tighter.  It wasn't the heaviest one she owned, but it was good enough to hopefully keep out most of the bitter winds.  The tension was building and she didn't want to be the first to speak, but she didn't want to get up and leave either.  He was toying with her, a game of cat and mouse.  She hated being the mouse.

"I don' remember invitin' yah tuh sit down." She suddenly said, needing it clear that she wasn't interested in his company now or ever.  Sure, it was a public bench, he was free to sit anywhere he wanted, but he could have picked any damn bench around the pond to do just that.  "Dontchu have anythin' better tuh do than to bother me? Like screw around with some easy girls?"

[Lucas Blacke]

She didn't need to hammer down like that, he felt punished enough simply looking at her as he wished that what had happened never happened. But she was right to scold him; they did happen. It was fact and he couldn't change it as much as he wanted to. But still, even if it wasn't as friendly as he'd hoped he knew he deserved it. At least she acknowledged him, showing that she didn't want to get up and leave, showing that she was the bigger person where Luke just sat down and waited for a response while drenched in the most terrible emotion he knew. There were moments he was glad for his ability for enabling him not to shake with fear, which he would be doing right now if left to his own devices. He was scared to death, what if he'd fuck up? What if? Were it anyone else he would have tried to see things positively, but not with her. No, she was still hurt, and so was he. If he wanted to do anything he would have to accept the hurt and stop acting out like he was.

They needed to hurt together, even if it meant completely opening up to her and potentially losing her a second time. What was the saying..? Let it go and if it loves you it'll come back? He wasn't ready to let go, he would hold on for as long as possible even if she was ready to let go. Besides, he had made the promise that he would help her with her power, and he owed it to her to have at least one unbroken promise.

He silently got up as she said she didn't invite him to sit down and slipped down on the ground with his back pressed against the edge of the bench. Now he didn't have to face her, and she wouldn't have to face him which he knew would only complicate things. He pulled his legs up a bit and placed his hands on them, he wasn't uncomfortable, he was nervous. She was talking to him, asked him a question. And even if hurtful it was contact.

''No.'' He replied sternly at her question if he didn't have some easy girls to sleep around with instead of bothering her. ''I don't..- No.'' He added as he kept facing the pond. He sighed lightly, looking for things to say, make sure she wasn't the only one who said something. She had been too good for him to let go. Too good for him to choke up.

He clenched his fist tightly and softly bumped it on the ground as he looked around his mind for words, something he could say to make it easier. But he found nothing. For a moment he wanted to say he would never have anything better to do than to bother her, but that could be interpreted wrong.

He finally found something to say.
''I'd rather get yelled at by someone with depth than spend one more second sulkin' in my own flaws.''

[Karalie Heise]

She was glad he wasn't arguing with her.  If anything he was sulking.  Maybe he'd finally realized how badly he screwed up.  Maybe he just didn't have anyone left to willingly allow him into bed.  Either way she was still angry with him, and probably always would be.  She'd trusted him so deeply and he'd destroyed that trust, not just for himself, but for all the men that entered her life after.  She knew this hurt far before Luke cheated on her, though.  Stealing memories from most of the people you meet will do that.

She was glad when he got up, hoping he would just leave her alone, but no such luck as he settled on the ground, allowing her to still keep an eye on him, but shielding himself from her dirty looks.  Finally he explained he'd rather be yelled at by her than sulking because he was basically a giant idiot.  Well, she wasn't going to try and make him feel better, and she didn't feel much like yelling.  Swinging? Yeah, the thought of smacking him hard a few times sounded reeeal good.  Or she could just get up and go.

"Well, I'm not exactly in th'mood for yer company.  Yer not very high on my listuh people to be around at the moment." She grumbled, suddenly not feeling as cold as her body heated with her frustration.  She could feel the warmth in her cheeks as she glared at the back of his head, trying hard not to kick it.  "Is there somethin' ya'll want, other then to just annoy me with yer presence?"

[Lucas Blacke]

''Sometimes..-'' He started silently as he kept looking out over the pond, fully expecting a whack on the head or something like he deserved. He had turned his back to her to allow her to, to keep his ability from jumping in and forcing him to avoid it or something. He hurt her, she was now allowed to hurt him, though whatever a kick or punch could do would only pale in comparison to what he had done to her, he had gotten her trust and allowed himself to be seduced. He often told himself he couldn't help it even if he tried, but when facing what he was running from he realized he was doing nothing short of lying to himself, he was able to change it, he had the opportunity to say no, and yet he didn't. He knew what the rammifications were going to be and still went on with it.

Face it Luke, she's stronger than you.

She was, he knew that, he didn't need some kind of voice in his head telling him that as he sighed silently. ''..sometimes we need ta do things we don't like..'' He used those words before, but with who? ''Like facing the facts and not running from yer problems.''

He was talking about himself, he had been avoiding her for a good while new and had no intention of facing her. He knew deep down that it'd only make her hatred for him stronger even with him accepting everything she did to him at the time. Maybe she needed someone to argue with, not against. Maybe he needed to stop being so timid and give her a window to vent herself.

''I know yer not in the mood fer my company, but I'm in the need for yers. I..'' He turned his head slightly and looked at the girl out of the corner of his eye. ''I'm done runnin' from ya. I wanna talk things out.''

[Karalie Heise]

Now he wanted to talk? Karalie scoffed and turned away, glowering out to the sparce trees littering the area around the pond, desperately trying to keep her tears at bay.  Could she do that? Not cry in front of him? How many tears had she already wasted on Lucas Blacke?  She'd been proud that so few were visible to him, but once alone, behind the safety of her locked bedroom door, she let loose.  Usually several times a day, though in recent days it had been less and less.  She only got teary now and then rather than constantly throughout the day.  God, she hated him.

And yet she still loved him so much.  Ugh.

"I don't know whatchu wanna talk about exactly.  Your actions have spoken plenty loudly.  After a month you wanna finally talk?  Tell me what the hell was goin' through yer brain that day? Now that ya'll hadda chance tuh really mess around and get it all outta yer system? Now you wanna talk?!"  She wasn't being fair to him, but she was an angry teenager and a hurt one at that.  She couldn't completely blame Luke for what he'd done.  She'd told him he had to wait for several more years to have sex.  He'd gone and done it anyway and now he wanted to make amends.  She didn't even know what he wanted; to clear his conscience or get her back.

"Go ahead, Luke, I'm all ears.  It's all about what you want anyway, isn't it?" She snarled, glaring down at him, forcing her leg from striking out at him.

[Lucas Blacke]

After all her questions, after all of them had been mentally answered he paused for a moment. He started gathering the nerve for what he was about to do; argue with the girl he loved. The realization of it hurt him more than he let on, he still loved her. He had his flaws, she had hers. He had his crushes, she had hers. He had cheated on her.. he wouldn't like her doing anything of that sort to him, but he couldn't keep her. He couldn't throw what God would think about it in her face, she knew he wasn't religious. And even if he did, she was her own person with her own will.

Somewhere he hoped they didn't have to talk about it, that they could steer past it and just make up. Luke scoffed mentally. Maybe for small sidesteps that could be done, but not for this.

He got up when she said she was all ears. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and turned around to face her. Taking a small step back to create some more distance between the two he looked at her, and no matter what she'd be thinking of it he nodded. ''Yeah.'' He replied silently.

''Right now, anyway.'' He continued. Saying what was on his mind wasn't easy, things would be easier for him if he could just touch her hands to make her see, but he didn't want to risk forcing the bad on her. Last thing she needed was his own regret to pile on top of hers. There'd been plenty of days where he had locked himself in his room and let go like a little baby.

''This is 'bout what I want, yeah. I know ya have any and all reason to hate me, and I won't stop ya, but I don't want to end things like this.. or ever.. Even if we just end up bein' friends it'll be a win to me.'' Unlike with Marnie. ''I know I fucked up, and no amount of hate yer having fer me can measure up to the hate I have fer myself.. not a day goes by I don't think of it and only remember what I lost.''

''Be angry if ya must, I just know what I need. And what I need is you.''

[Karalie Heise]

She knew she should be pleased with what he was offering her.  She should be glad he wanted to try and fix things, that he wanted her, that he missed her, that he knew how badly he screwed up.  She felt powerful and so..right.  But she wasn't originally worth it to him to stay put, to not stray.  He could give her a thousand excuses, a million little reasons why she should give him another chance, but at the end of the day she would at some point be reminded of his infidelity.  she would catch a glimpse of him with another girl.  She'd kiss him and see him with not just Marnie, but other women.  She couldn't handle that.. not yet.

"So what's tuh stop you from hurting me again, huh? Even if we stayed friends I could never touch yah, you know that? Yer off limits now! Yer filthy and tainted and.." She choked on the tears that were threatening to fall.  Why couldn't he just disappear? t was so much harder facing him, telling him all these things to his face.  All she wanted was for him to hold her and tell her it would be alright, but not this Luke.. She hated this Luke.  The old Luke.. the Luke that hadn't strayed, that hadn't fooled around with someone else.  She missed that Luke more than anything in the world.  She missed the stability she had before things went so very wrong.

Her face screwed up and she buried it in her knees, not wanting him to see her cry.  "Just leave me alone, alright?" She didn't sound very convincing, she sounded sad and lost.  Truth was Karalie didn't know how to act in this sort of position because she'd never been there.  She wished he could just take it all back.

[Lucas Blacke]

''I.. No.'' He said as he let his arms drop to his sides when he took place next to her. He wasn't sure what it'd accomplish, but for once this wasn't about them, this was about him. What he wanted. She wanted him to leave her alone, and as hard as it was to say out loud, he wouldn't. He didn't want it to start with, so why would he start now? He wasn't going to leave a second time. And even if it took multiple years he'd be there for her. She might not have realized at that point, but he would. He wanted her, and if he couldn't get her in the way he wanted it'd just have to be on her terms; but not without trying. Not without some part of a struggle from him, he'd been docile for way too long and he was done playing the victim. He had reached the point pretending started to hurt, even if he didn't show it.

''I'm not gonna leave ya alone. Not again.'' Some things just needed to be said. ''I am filthy.'' He agreed. ''I am tainted.'' He added as he leaned forward and put his forearms on his knees for supports. ''I fucked up. I took yer trust and broke it, and I know what it means ta finally trust.. but..-'' He hesitated a moment as he looked for the right words to form the sentence he wanted.

When it finally did it hit him like a brick, he was going to say what he thought, but hearing his thoughts out loud was a nasty wake up call. Perhaps that was just what he needed to finally go on changing. Maybe he needed to let the negative out to start anew. ''But ya never left my mind.'' And he wasn't lying. Even when he was with other girls he was stuck thinking about her, the moments he thought he could have fun, the moments where he thought he wasn't tied down he failed to realize one simple thing, that he was keeping himself down by refusing to accept what had been ailing him.

''And I know I haven't left yer mind, even if only for the bad. But I don't want it to be that way, I need ya to know I- I still care.''

[Karalie Heise]

She felt her body tense as he told her he wasn't going to leave her alone.  Why couldn't he just do that? It would be easier to heal without him around. But he didn't deny that he was tainted or filthy or any of those things.  He was awful and he knew it. he was admitting it.  She wanted to push his arms off of her but she didn't move, frozen there.  If she was mean would he leave her alone? Was that what she wanted? She knew it would just be a fight, one she would readily have but one she didn't think she was strong enough to have.

Somehow her not leaving his mind while he was messing around with other girls wasn't exactly reassuring.  It was nice that he still cared but that's what made it hurt that much more.  Why couldn't he just not care? Of course she still cared, but it was different.  She was angry and hurt and that got in the way of feeling anything real for him anymore.  This new, dirty version of Luke..

"Then why'd yah do it?" Her voice was teeming with question.  She needed to know why he did that if he still cared so much.  "An' dontchu say you don't know, I wanna real answer this time.  If you wanna fix this at all you owe me that much!" She insisted firmly, her eyes now on his sternly.  She would know if he was lying.  She wanted answers and she wanted the truth.

[Lucas Blacke]

Why did he do it was indeed the question, and it was one he wasn't sure he had the answer to. She was right though, if he wanted to have even a small shot at fixing this whole thing he would need to be honest, even if it meant thinking about what he wanted to forget. The answer to her question would have to wait a bit though, but he wouldn't say anything else until he got her answer ready to go. But he'd have to think of it first, something he didn't want to do in the first place.

Normally he'd fill up the silence with something witty, or random grunts to make known he was thinking about something. But not this time, this time was about being serious and trying to right his wrongs. After about twenty seconds he had an answer ready, he turned his head to look into her eyes, her deep and hypnotizing eyes and took a breath.

''The rush of a first time.'' He finally said. ''That's what made me do it. I know that's the wrong thing to think or do, and it'll forever break yer image of me, but I'd heard so much of it.. the seduction.. the..- I could have said no, I know that. But it turns out I'm not as strong as you are..''

She wanted the truth and she got the truth. Whether she liked it or not was up for grabs now.

[Karalie Heise]

Silence. She was met with nothing but silence and it only served to infuriate her.  Did he really not know? Was he weighing his answer to make his decision seem less terrible than it was? Make him maybe seem less at fault? She had no idea, but she was getting more upset by the second.  She watched him the entire time he was thinking, her eyes piercing his as he looked away, trying to figure out the best way to answer.  At least he wasn't sitting there spouting out bullshit, she was grateful for that.

Finally he answered, and his answer was, well, sort of what she had expected it to be.  It seemed honest, odd coming from a boy who could be so deceitful. It was a rush, he said.  The rush of the first time.  He knew it was wrong and did it anywhere because he wasn't as strong as her.  She knew in some ways he was complimenting her, but it was a backhanded one.  So because he thought he was weak, he couldn't keep his dick in his pants?

She sat quietly for a moment herself, processing his answer, and then processing her own.  Was she really that strong? Longing for a boy who couldn't be faithful?  "Well, I'm not sure what ya'll even want from me then.  I'm not about tuh put out for yah, an' now yer probably expectin' tuh get laid more often.  I can't trust that ya'll will wait now, and being friends with you now, when this is all so fresh, watchin' yah go around an' hittin' on other girls.. I can't."  She shook her head, the tears choking her up again.  "I can't an' I won't.  So.. my options are real limited here.  I can accept that yer gonna run off on me again, go an' get laid an' break every promise I ever made t'myself, or turn a blind eye an' be yer friend while you run around screwin' anything with two legs wide open."  Her breathing was quickened now that she was agitated, but she kept her hands tight in her sweater, a habit she couldn't quite break.  "No matter which way I lose here. I don't know what tuh do, I really don't, an' lord help yah if you hurt me so bad again.."  She gulped, not knowing what to do.  "What do you expect me to do here, Luke?"

[Lucas Blacke]

It was clear she was holding back tears, but it was okay because so was Luke at this point. He wasn't sure anymore which response was best for which situation, and he had to really focus to take in what she said as she listed what she could do. What she told him sounded normal though he didn't like it. It sounded to him like irrational and hurt thoughts and ways to get back at him. It'd hurt him but he also realized she'd needed to get it out of her system somehow, if that meant her doing the same thing he had done he would find a way to accept it. Only problem was was that she would also break the promise to herself, and that was something Luke didn't want happening ever.

Breaking her promise to him he could live with, it would sting but he'd deal. Breaking a promise to herself would be something he wouldn't approve of. ''Hittin' on other girls.. No.. I've already hit on the one that matters.'' It wasn't really the time for sweet talk, but he couldn't find any other words for what she said, not unless he wanted more sadness in his life. ''And I'm done runnin', and whether ya like it or not I'm here ta stay.'' He told her in a slightly defensive manner when she told him what she could do.

Then the question came what he expected her to do. He had his answer ready almost instantly this time and tried to flash her a smile, albeit a sad one. ''I don't expect ya to do the right thing, I don't expect ya to do the wrong thing. I don't expect ya to come running back to me or accept my apologies right away.. I don't..''

''I expect ya to do what makes ya happy. If that means stayin' angry at me, so be it. I might not like what ya choose, but as long as it is yer choice I'll live with it. I just know that.. I love ya. An' I know that probably ain't whatcha wanna hear right now, but it's the truth. Never stopped lovin' ya either. I'm pretty sure yer findin' it hard to love or even accept me right now but that's okay because No matter how ya feel, I know how I feel. And part of lovin' someone is being able to accept decisions..''

[Karalie Heise]

His sweet talk was doing nothing for her.  Once upon a time she enjoyed his cheesy lines, but not now.  Not today.  Maybe not ever again.  He insisted he was there to stay but she was skeptical.  She hated that he'd run around on her.  What was to stop him from doing it anymore? How could she ever trust him? What happened if she got a glimpse of him with someone else while they were making out? The thought made her stomach twist.  She didn't want those intimate moments with him to be tainted by what he'd done with someone else.  No matter how she twisted it in her mind, she couldn't figure out what was the best thing, what was the right thing to do.

And what would make her happy? Karalie had no idea what would make her happy anymore.  She was constantly down, halfway to tears all the time, confused and angry and bitter..  She didn't like being this way, didn't like being so angry with Lucas all the time but she couldn't quite forgive him yet, either.  Even if she still loved him, too.

She was silent for a moment, the tears brimming in her eyelids, heavy pools waiting to spill down her cheeks.  "Prove tuh me that yer gonna stay." She finally told him, her eyes still hard on his.  "Not right now.. right now I don't really wanna look atchoo, but prove tuh me that I can trust yah, that you're worth giving another shot to.  Don't ask me how yer supposed tuh do that, just do it.  Then.. we can talk."  She stood up, refusing to look at him now, but instead at her fingers which were no threading with one another.  She wasn't sure she could hang out with him anymore right now.  She needed to let it all sink in.