Time Warp: A Smokey Screen [sean]

[Anjali Kedar]

July 13, 2010



Anjali had toyed with the idea for days following the Talk with Sean.  She hadn't asked a single question while she was there, neither in her mind or out loud, not that she would.  Though eager to answer questions in class, and ask plenty of questions, she couldn't bring herself to bring up the one thing on her mind.  It wasn't something she wanted to talk about, which was strange coming from the young woman who had no qualms about sitting and chit chatting for hours about whatever, but when it came to preferences in attraction.. well that was another story.

Up until recently she'd accepted that maybe she just wasn't interested in boys because she was too young.  Her mother had introduced her to her friends son, a boy who was on track to become a doctor having just gotten accepted to Princeton.  He wasn't a bad looking guy and sure he was nice enough, but Anjali felt nothing.  Maybe, she thought, he just wasn't her type, but when she craved Liza's touch while studying with her on the bed, well.. that's when things started to become more clear.

She was confused and nervous, knowing what her parents would think.  She could never be with a woman.  It would crush them.. Surely she could learn to like men.  They weren't really so bad.  She was even friends with some.

Anjali paced outside Sean's office for a good ten minutes before finally building the courage to knock.  She wouldn't bring up the real reason she was there.  She needed some help with her Aerokinesis anyway and her trainer was.. well her trainer was fine but she could say maybe she didn't know what Anjali needed to learn.  Anjali wanted to work on generating air pressure which was something her trainer said she wasn't ready for, but Anjali begged to differ.  Using wind to create air pressure was something all aerokinetics should learn! And she was good at what she did so it shouldn't be a problem.

Finally she took a deep breath and knocked on the door, hoping that he was actually in.  Surely psyching herself without knowing if he was in was a bad idea.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

This year’s sexual education seminar had gone well. Better than last year, when Emma had decided that she wanted to go out on a high note by releasing vibrators in the auditorium, and when Vincent had stripped off all his clothing to go streaking.

It helped that Emma had graduated and moved on to higher education in another state. It helped that they had trapped Vincent like an animal or Elmer Fudd in a Warner Brothers cartoon in the library with Eli.

Still, aside from the rude questions and the attempts to goad him into losing his calm – all of which had failed – the seminar had gone well. Many of the questions had been thoughtful and valuable, and the psychiatrist considered this to be successful.

Moreover, it was over until the next summer. Except for anyone who had follow-up questions.

He preferred the follow-up questions, as he preferred speaking to students in a private environment, one-on-one to answer their questions and address their concerns.

So the knock at his office door did not surprise him. It could be someone with a follow-up question. It could be nerves for the beginning of the school year, since Hammel was a year-round school that began in the summer rather than in autumn.

Whoever it was, he had the time to devote to them.

“Come in!” He called from behind his desk.

[Anjali Kedar]

A part of her had hoped that Dr. Neville wasn't in.  She wasn't foolish enough to think that he wouldn't see right through her, but damn if she wasn't about to try!  She was good at beating around the bush.  In fact, she could talk circles around a subject better than anyone else she knew, probably because she had mastered flawlessly seguing from one topic to the next without so much as needed to take a breath.

When she heard the familiar voice her heart jumped into her throat.  Anjali took a deep breath and let herself in, smiling brightly at the older gentleman as she made her way into the office, gently closing the door behind her.  "Hello Dr. Neville." She greeted politely, a bright smile on her youthful, dark face.  She made her way to a chair and took a seat, setting her bag down beside her.  

"I was hoping you had a few minutes to talk about.." She licked her lips, faltering for a moment.  She hadn't thought so far ahead.  She knew what she wanted to talk about, but how should she introduce it?  "Uh, my training?" She gulped and looked down at her bag wishing she had prepared a presentation of some sort to talk about her training.  Wouldn't that have been far more convincing? She loved graphs.. 

"You see, my trainer doesn't think I'm ready to move on to generating.."  Her brows furrowed as she watched the man across from her.  Smarts was something she had plenty of, and if she thought for a moment that he didn't already know what she was there for, then she didn't deserve to be in the advanced classes she was.  She let out a long slow sigh through her nose.  She didn't need to beat around the bush with him.  She couldn't  even if she wanted to.

Anjali's gaze fell back to her lap, no idea what she wanted from her meeting with Dr. Neville.  In the hallway it seemed to make more sense, but now that she was sitting across from the man.. "I don't think I like boys." She admitted, her voice gentler and softer than before, devoid of the enthusiasm it often had.  She wished she knew how to continue that conversation, but she didn't.  She felt the heat in her cheeks at the simple admittance, and that was enough for her to want to just get up and leave, something she wouldn't do, but it certainly crossed her mind.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean knew a cover story when he heard one. Without the telepath, he could see through most vague lies, since the years of experience as a psychiatrist granted him that insight. With the telepathy, lying to him because, at best, an exercise in futility, and, at worst, an insult to all involved. Here, he needed neither telepathy nor psychiatric experience to see through her poor attempt at an excuse. However, he also could see how nervous she was, and, as he had no desire to worsen that, he chose to play along. They could move at her pace, and if that involved a check in about training to grease the wheel, then so be it. “I have as much time as you need.”

He waited for her to elaborate about her training concerns, nodding along as though he believed what she had to say. To her credit, she abandoned the farcical conversation far earlier than most would. Some of the students would keep it up for an entire afternoon before finally admitting their rouse, as though they believed they were a Batman villain confessing their brilliant scheme.

He appreciated Anjali’s candor. He also empathized with her plight. He had struggled with his sexual orientation as well, when he had finally realized his attraction to Josh. That had occurred far later, comparatively, when he had been twenty-one rather than sixteen, and he had had the benefit of secure knowledge in his attraction to women as well. Not that anyone he knew had considered themselves bisexual, and the lack of the binary had been difficult in its own right. Still, he empathized.

To show that he did not judge her for this, he led with a bit of humor, replying gently, “Neither did I, when I was your age.”

[Anjali Kedar]

Anjali raised her brows at his reply, letting it sink in before the gentle smile touched her lips.  Her body relaxed some as something resembling a chuckle sounded in her throat.  She supposed this didn't need to be the most serious conversation, which helped relieve some of the tension she'd built up to have it.  Especially with a grown man.  At least they could agree on what was considered attractive.  Or so she thought

"But you weren't expected to." She reminded gently, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth slightly as her grin remained, but only momentarily.  "I don't really know what I like." She admitted, her nervous chattering having come to an end now that she was somewhat more comfortable in her skin.  "I mean.. ugh, this is such a weird conversation." She cupped her face in her hands, glad for her dark skin.  How red would she be if she were a white girl? Not that she didn't blush, it just wasn't as prominent on her darker skin.  Still, the heat in her cheeks grew.  

"How am I supposed to know?" She asked, the heat creeping down her neck as she dared to look at the teacher in front of her again, doing her best not to feel completely mortified.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean returned the smile with a small one of his own. His opening gambit had been successful, it seemed, in that she had relaxed a bit. That had been the goal. He did not want her to be nervous while having this discussion, and he wanted her to know that he stood in solidarity, and also that he would pass no judgment for any confusion or for what her orientation proved to be. His office was a safe space; that was why he kept the rainbow sticker on the outer door.

The psychiatrist nodded slowly and spread his hands, conceding that point. “No, I wasn’t expected to, but, at the same time, I was one.” He might not have been expected to like boys at her age, but, unlike Anjali, he knew what it was to be a teenage boy, and to live amongst teenage boys, and to know their inner-most thoughts at any given moment. He could not recommend that experience and faulted nobody for refraining from interacting with them, whether they were attracted to boys or not.

“Just try your best,” he encouraged. He knew it could be peculiar to discuss this at all, certainly to discuss it with a fifty-three year old psychiatrist tasked with teaching about the facts of life the week before.

He met her eyes when she looked over at him, and he spread his hands again, a gesture intended to substitute for a shrug. He had no easy answer to that question, because it differed for everyone. “The short answer is, you base it on who you find attractive and keep a mental count. If the answer is all genders, is that less scary to you than not boys?”

[Anjali Kedar]

Anjali wasn't entirely sure what it mattered that he was a teenage boy. Was he trying to relate? Because teenage boys were just unappealing in general? Which they were.  Well, some of them.  She supposed some were alright, but that didn't mean she liked the idea of pressing her lips to theirs.  Their scruffy faces, jagged features.. There was something so soft and appealing about girls.  Everything about them was more gentle, beautiful, like art. It was strange to think that way, though.  She liked the way women held themselves, how they smelled, their long soft hair and soft, moisturized skin.  Even a well groomed man just didn't appeal to her the same way.  She supposed in a sense she did know what she liked, but was too afraid to embrace it completely.

"The scary part I think is my parents."  She admitted, shifting in her seat slightly.  Her parents and the judgments she feared from other students.  She'd met several students, male and female, who were happily "out of the closet" but thrusting herself out there like that seemed odd.  She may talk a lot, but she was a private person most of the time.  At least when it came to intimate details about her life.  Except for in this very moment as she opened up to a trusted teacher.  Somehow she knew Sean wouldn't judge her, and after the talk yesterday she trusted he would steer her in the right direction.  This was what brought her to him in particular in the first place, not that this was at all easy.  This was probably one of the hardest conversations she'd ever had.

"They already have boys lined up for me." She snorted, rolling her eyes as a smile touched her lips, though she wasn't as amused as she let on, because sadly it was true.  "Not arranged marriages or anything, just.. when I'm home they like to introduce me to their friends sons and stuff.  I'm their only daughter.. I don't know."  She didn't ever want to let them down. "It's probably a phase, right? Isn't that what people say? It's just a phase?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean’s expression grew sympathetic, as he understood the impulse to explain away, to downplay, one’s sexual orientation. He understood family pressure, religious beliefs and heritage, and cultural expectations. So many QUILTBAG youth he had met over the years, through his volunteering at the LGBT Youth Center, through his work at Hammel, through his private practice, and through college and medical school when he had been an MSM living in Manhattan in the 1970s and then at the height of the HIV/AIDS Crisis. He understood all of that and more, due to growing up Catholic in a time of low information.

After all, he had discovered his attraction to other men only five years after homosexual had been removed from the DSM-II. Only nine years after the Stonewall riots. Two years before homosexual contact had been decriminalized in New York State, so his relationship with Josh had been illegal. Three years before the first recorded and reported case of AIDS, back when it was known as GRIP.

He knew how difficult it was.

But he couldn’t allow her to fall into mental traps brought on by bad information.

Maintaining eye contact, he spoke gently and said, “People say that, but they usually mean that they don’t accept the person in question’s relationship or sexual orientation and would prefer that the person change.”

He needed to get that on the table so she wouldn’t cling desperately at straws. “For some people, their sexuality is fluid and changes as they grow as individuals and gain life experience. But even then, it isn’t a phase;their past orientations were as real and valid as their current one, even if they differ.”

With that said, he asked, “What do you imagine your parents would say if they were here?” He had no intention of involving them, but to understand her fears, he had to ask.

[Anjali Kedar]

She was afraid of her parents wanting her to change.  She already knew they would, and she was willing to do it.  It wasn't just for them, though.  Anjali liked some of the ideas of being married to a man and having children.  She didn't desire the husband part exactly, but being pregnant and having children, being surrounded by her family, her culture, those were important things to her and anything that compromised it seemed wrong.  It was all really very confusing, to want something and to not want it at the same time.  She kept hoping maybe she would find herself attracted to at least one guy, but it just didn't happen.  Not romantically, at least.  Then again she was young.  

Sean made valid points which eased her further.  It wasn't simply a phase, even if tomorrow she met a boy she liked in the way her parents would want, because she would still likely have those yearnings for something different.  Something more familiar..  Maybe her sexuality would be fluid, float in on the breeze.  Anything was possible, right?

When asked about her parents, her large ebony eyes widened and she sat a little straighter.  Would he tell her parents? By reading his body language she decided that he was asking more out of curiosity, and Anjali shook her head from side to side.  "I don't know, and I'm not really interested in finding out." She countered, a hint of humor in her voice.  She looked at her lap and sighed, rolling her shoulders.  "First they'd tell me I'm too young to date.  Then they'd tell me I'd grow out of it. Then they'd tell me I better grow out of it.. that they want to be an Awa and Tata, so I better look into boarding that baby train."  She bit her lip and rolled her shoulders again before shaking her head.  "I don't know.. I put a lot of value on what they want.  I mean, I'm their only daughter, and their baby, and I live so far away. I haven't been there for them the way my brother has, and let's face it, Nik's kind of a dingbat, I love him, but he definitely left all the brains for me to inherit."  She was rambling again and felt the heat in her cheeks once more.  "I don't want to disappoint them, not when they're so proud of me.."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Occasionally, Sean felt a swell of sympathy for his sister, although that never manifested as more than that or as his attempts to support her, before she had cut him out of her life six and a half years ago. It wasn’t easy to live up to parental expectations; it never had been, and the more traditional one’s parents were at a time of rapidly changing culture, the more Sisyphean that task became.

“I do understand.” He did, and some of his dynamic with his parents and his sister mirrored what Anjali had described, although there were cultural, gender, and age differences, as well as the fact that neither he nor his sister could be described as a dingbat.

“The imperative to have children is one of the hardest to cope with, but the world is different from how it used to be.” Far different from when he was her age, or when he was five years older and coming to terms with his own emerging bisexuality. “There are so many different ways to have children or to become grandparents now.” Not that it mattered in the here and now, given that Anjali was only sixteen, and, if she had paid even the slightest bit of attention during his recent seminar, would do nothing to find herself with children at this age, even if she found herself sexually attracted to boys or anyone assigned male at birth who still possessed any degree of virility.

Meeting her eyes, he asked, “Would you like to hear a story about when I worried about all this?” He wouldn’t bore her with details otherwise, but, if she was interested, he had plenty of personal experience in this area.

[Anjali Kedar]

She knew she would be able to have children no matter who she was with, but there was a new level of difficulty involved.  Adoption could be expensive, and not necessarily her top option, as she actually wanted to be pregnant one day.  She could go to a sperm bank, but if she ended up with a woman, she would want their child to be a product of their love together, which simply wasn't possible.  Still, she supposed it was a viable option.  There was a lot involved with all of that, though, and surely there were more options that neither had discussed.  At her age she wasn't really looking into it.  Children were so far in her future there was no sense really worrying just yet, but it was certainly a factor.  But it was still worth thinking about since family was important to her, she wanted one of her own and she wanted her family to be a part of it.

When he offered to tell her his story her brows raised slightly.  His story about when he worried about this? That meant that Sean.. She hadn't picked up on it, but somehow knowing he'd had this same struggle made her warm to him some.  She was genuinely interested now, her heart racing a little.  Slowly she nodded, wide, deep eyes intent on the man in front of her like a child awaiting a much anticipated bed time story.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had not had the exact same struggle, or even the same struggle when corrected for their genders, but he had experience a struggle of his own, which had been the cause of his remark at the beginning of this conversation. That at his age, he had not been attracted to teenage boys. Eventually, he had found men attractive, although not exclusively.

When he had her attention, he met her eyes, keeping his blue ones trained on her face, and he quirked his lips in a self-deprecating smile. “You must keep in mind that I have about thirty-five years on you in terms of age.” A couple of more than that, in fact, but he saw no reason to split hairs. “I was in college when I had my first relationship with another man. I come from an Irish Catholic family, albeit Americanized. That brings with it similar cultural baggage and expectations. I was supposed to marry an Irish Catholic woman and have a dozen Irish Catholic children. Instead, I was in college and then medical school and in love with another man.”

Unfortunately, his relationship with Josh had ended. Fortunately, they had remained friends. The psychiatrist continued to look for love with other people, women and men alike, but nobody had fit with him enough to settle down and start a family.

[Anjali Kedar]

Was Dr. Neville really that old? She supposed he was, he had crows feet and everything.  To a girl her age, 50+ seemed ancient, like it was an eternity away.  

She listened intently as he spoke about having met his first boyfriend in college and how his family, though not Indian, placed a lot of value on building a family.  She could relate to that, which was likely why he was telling her his story.  Though he left her hanging and she found herself sitting there waiting for more of his story.

"So.. what happened? Did you tell them?" She asked, unsure where he was going just yet.  "Are you still.." She licked her lips, feeling bashful about finishing that sentence.  "Are you seeing someone?" It was none of her business and again her cheeks flared up, but she decided that he wasn;t so much a teach as he was a confidant at this point, a guide really.  "Did it work you?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Fifty-three was not an age Sean had considered when he had been sixteen. Instead, his entire life had been ahead of him, and he had focused on the typical concerns: learning to drive, focusing in school to get good grades, going to church, spending time with his girlfriend, training his powers. Perhaps training his powers did not count as a typical concern elsewhere, but it came standard at Hammel. He had envisioned college and then medical school, marriage and children, hopefully with Maggie but with anyone who would agree to marry him.

Now, as a middle-aged man, he looked back on that fondly, and thirty-five years in the future would bring retirement and advanced age. He hoped to live that long, but he did not spend too much time focusing then, either, because of the high potential of passing on by then.

He said none of that. Instead, he continued to focus on her, and his smile became a touch rueful. Spreading his hands, he said, “I’m single now.” And he had been for a few years. None of his relationships ever worked out. “But he and I are still the best of friends, and I had some of my happiest years with him.”

His expression became fond as he reflected on those years spent with Josh in their apartment in the Village.

Then his attention snapped back to the present and her other question. He nodded a single time. “I did tell them. I gathered my courage and told them everything. I won’t lie and say that they expected it, or that they weren’t disappointed. They were. But I was – am – the oldest, and their only son.”

[Anjali Kedar]

Anjali found herself frowning a little when he mentioned he was single.  Not because he was single, but because of the look he offered.  She may have touched a nerve, which hadn't been her intention.  It wasn't her business what happened, but Sean kindly explained that they were still friends.  Anjali got the feeling that perhaps Sean longed to be with him again but something stood in the way.  Or maybe not.  She wouldn't press.  He was aiding her, not the other way around and it was obvious she had no idea about relationships anyway.  She wouldn't be sitting across from him if she did.

Disappointment.  Her shoulders sunk a little at the word.  In so many families, parents being disappointed in you seemed either par for the course or something children didn't care about.  Or maybe many parents were just okay with whatever their child do, but disappointment was a heavy word to Anjali.  Her parents were proud of her.  They respected her, they trusted her.  She feared losing that, and not only from coming home and bursting their dreams about her future.  Everything she did, every move she made on the chessboard of life, she considered what her parents would think.  It was how she was raised, but also it had to do a lot with her natural personality.  Anjali was a people pleaser.  She was good and gentle, honest and forgiving.  She didn't like conflict and avoided it all costs, especially with those who were dearest to her.  Even if they accepted it, accepted her and her choices, they wouldn't necessarily embrace it, and therefor no longer embrace her. She feared the emotional distance it would create more than the physical.  At least now she was welcomed home so lovingly, her presence something to look forward to. How could she risk that?

"Did it change anything?" She asked, wanting the truth.  His family was not her own, she knew that, and their situations were different but she wanted reassurance, she wanted hope that maybe it could work out.  Because one day she might choose to follow this road, or she might not. But she wanted to be mentally ready for either.